Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 07:48 PM
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I haven't read all of the comments yet. However, I seriously think something else triggered this. Porn addiction or using it to replace an intimate relationship with your wife is one thing. But, the I have no problem with the occasional looking at it. It's practically everywhere anyways. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you are able to get to the bottom of it. I just can't believe it was this one isolated event.

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post #62 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 07:56 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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But we have to ignore the elephant in the room that his wife is a cokehead?
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I missed that. What post # mentions her coke habit?

I aggree with most here that he is responsible for ignoring his wife in favor of porn.
an inexcuseable and possibly deal breaker. But if so, then so is hers.
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post #63 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 05:15 AM Thread Starter
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She told me that she fell out of love with me when I was struggling to get on wuth my eldest daughter 7. I would argue and I smacked her bottom a few times. I ended up getting a charity to help me connect with her. Then I found out that she was being bullied at school and that was why she was acting up. My wife said the porn was a secondary yet final nail ib the marriage. She said that she respects for getting help and taking ownership for my problem but says that even if I become the man she fell in love with again, she can't risk anymore hurt. Sgw saud that if I had loved and shown interest in the kids like I do now, it could have carried us through all this. She acknowledges that I am a much better father now. I got my divorce papers the other day. Crushing but I'm wondering if I can take any positives from what she said. Could her heart soften over time? If I finally deal with myself, could there be a chance?
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post #64 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 05:34 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Anything is possible. And the best chance is by you being the best example of the man she fell in love with.

However, her reactions seem so over the top, that I suspect this is only part of the story. The posts above about coke aren't answered, but I don't know where they come from. Even if it isn't coke, is she doing something else, hiding something, planning something? Or are there a handful of other major issues between you two that have not been mentioned. Divorce for porn on the phone and troubles relating to a child, is over the top.

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post #65 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 06:57 AM Thread Starter
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The coke was occasional use and is not an issue anymore as far as I know. She does smoke pot regularly though in the evenings. I thought her reaction was extreme. No separation or agreeing to counselling. She reacted emotionally but says she doesn't want to be guilt tripped into staying. I have done all I can under the circumstances. She is distant and not the woman I used to know. She said that she tried real hard last year but I don't remember her talking to me about issues. We went on 5 foreign holidays last year. She planned all of them and we had a great time but maybe she was trying to escape reality. It is over the top. I explained everything to our priest and even he can't understand her stance. She filed 2 days after she discovered the porn. It has been a rollercoaster since. She left me once before for 8 months and slept with other guys, parties drugs. Then calmed down when I dated someone and had done a 180. Maybe a 180 would work again? It was bever this extreme before though. How can I get through to her?
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post #66 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 09:04 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

You can't.
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post #67 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 11:17 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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The coke was occasional use and is not an issue anymore as far as I know. She does smoke pot regularly though in the evenings. I thought her reaction was extreme. No separation or agreeing to counselling. She reacted emotionally but says she doesn't want to be guilt tripped into staying. I have done all I can under the circumstances. She is distant and not the woman I used to know. She said that she tried real hard last year but I don't remember her talking to me about issues. We went on 5 foreign holidays last year. She planned all of them and we had a great time but maybe she was trying to escape reality. It is over the top. I explained everything to our priest and even he can't understand her stance. She filed 2 days after she discovered the porn. It has been a rollercoaster since. She left me once before for 8 months and slept with other guys, parties drugs. Then calmed down when I dated someone and had done a 180. Maybe a 180 would work again? It was bever this extreme before though. How can I get through to her?
So the missing piece drops into place! Earlier I wanted to ask is she having an affair. But I couldn't remember the thread details, and it seemed a little rude. So, she has done it before, and I bet she is doing it now. This isn't so much an over the top reaction, it is cheaters bias. She planned 5 foreign trips to spend while she was in the marriage and perhaps to decide did if she want to stay. Then she was just waiting for an excuse to get righteous and leave with you painted as the bad guy.

So your best option to save the marriage is a 180 again. But I doubt this will stop the divorce. You need legal advice, especially about timing. How long till a divorce is finalised? How late can she change her mind?

And what will happen about custody? What does your wife think will happen with custody? Do you have documentation about the 8 months of partying and drugs? Who looked after your daughter during this time? etc.

Your last question, "How can I get through to her?" is probably more important. I think the best option is finding, documenting and busting her current affair.

The more important question though is do you want to stay married to a serial cheater? To answer that you probably need to think about what brought on those 8 months. Because if you can't answer that you can't prevent further affairs or ONS.

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but take heart, parts of it can be delightful."
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post #68 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-24-2016, 12:11 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Hi Andy!

I think the #1 priority is for you to re-gain more happiness in your life.
So while this turmoil is going on (i.e. you have a high maintenance, domineering wife who likes to yell/marriage is up in the air) -- while this turmoil is going on, take ideal care of yourself. Pursue good friendships, keep your other family members close, join a church, get a counselor -- you need allies and supporters. #2 priority is growing your relationship with your children. Like another poster said, maybe the one child yelled at you as she sees her mother being disrespectful/yelling, and is mimicking her mother?

Perhaps talking with a trusted friend or counselor can help uncover ways to strengthen your relationship with the children. It may be your wife's fault that the kids run to her - they may be intimidated by her.

#3 I am very conservative and old-fashioned and it does not bother me that my husband looks at porn -- I don't think you should be too hard on yourself about that. The difference between your wife and myself is I'm on my second marriage. When my 1st husband looked at porn I was a bit shocked, but now that I've been remarried for 9 years, I know that ALL guys look at porn...it's in guys genetics. If you explain to your wife that you guys were not having much of a sex life, and men have needs....she needs to loosen up a bit.

I agree with other posters that the marriage is dysfunctional, and unless therapy makes your wife more respectful and more loving toward you, you'd likely be better off without her. So do all you can to increase your peace and happiness, with or without her. Finally, if she were a good mother, she'd know that it is better for children to have an intact family.....she AT LEAST could have tried to talk to you more calmly and considered therapy....instead she yells at you and makes threats....she is a bit selfish in my opinion......for the sake of the children she could have tried to attempt to work on things before running to a lawyer
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post #69 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-24-2016, 12:25 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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She left me once before for 8 months and slept with other guys, parties drugs. Then calmed down when I dated someone and had done a 180.
The missing piece.

Protect yourself.

~Please Fight for 50/50 custody!

Are the kids spending time with you 50% of the time?
What is the parent sharing like?

As the Father you should never leave the primary residence!
check with your attorneys!

Remember your goal is to get at least 50/50 custody.

Who has the higher income you or your wife?
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post #70 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-24-2016, 07:00 AM Thread Starter
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We had a good day together as a family yesterday and I spoke to my wife and she said that I have started to change for the better but its early days wether that is temporary or a permanent change. She said the dynamics of the family are going to be different and she still wants to go ahead with the divorce as although we can be friends, the relationship could not continue after all the recent events. She says that if I had left the house when she asked, she would have agreed to separate and postponed the divorce but that it may have been in evitable anyway. My wife is acting happier around me but wants me to sign the paper work. I thought last night that I may have made a break through but she is adamant on divorce. I'n confused now more than ever and wonder if I keep the positive changes going she may see me differently. I am going to have to leave in 4 weeks as I don't see what good its doing being here apart from seeing the kids. I can't change her mind about the divorce and do not have the money to contest it.

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post #71 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-25-2016, 05:54 AM Thread Starter
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I think regarding my daughter mimiking my wife, I have to agree that that was happening and the reason I went for help ad I felt last in the pecking order. My wife has always controlled the marriage and me. She takes care if the finances, the kids and household chores. If I try and cook a meal, she takes over. She always finds a better solution to a problem and talks the talk which is what she is good at being a saleswoman. She is insecure about her looks and insecure. Her parents split when she was 10 and she was forced to live with her dad for two weeks at a time which she hated. I don't think any of her relationships lasted long and I think if I had not pursued her or been as easy going as I am, I would have been ditched a long time ago. She thinks that she will be happier without the thought if me hanging over her. But, as when we separated before, the grass was not greener and when another woman took an interest in me after a 180, she wanted me to come home. I could do the same thing but this time the d papers are here. It has only been a week since she filed but it has made me loose hope. She wants a friendly relationship with me and no lawyers will be involved with our finances or child support or custody. I have to have a strategy other than a basic 180. I also need to hault the divorce finalising in July.
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post #72 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 08:02 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

She has serious control issues and is unstable.

She needs a spanking in my humble opinion.
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post #73 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 08:06 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Serial cheating, slvt drughead.

Why are you attracted to this thing?

She is an unfit mother.

Are you a typical " nice guy" "doormat"?
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post #74 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
She told me that she fell out of love with me when I was struggling to get on wuth my eldest daughter 7. I would argue and I smacked her bottom a few times. I ended up getting a charity to help me connect with her. Then I found out that she was being bullied at school and that was why she was acting up. My wife said the porn was a secondary yet final nail ib the marriage. She said that she respects for getting help and taking ownership for my problem but says that even if I become the man she fell in love with again, she can't risk anymore hurt. Sgw saud that if I had loved and shown interest in the kids like I do now, it could have carried us through all this. She acknowledges that I am a much better father now. I got my divorce papers the other day. Crushing but I'm wondering if I can take any positives from what she said. Could her heart soften over time? If I finally deal with myself, could there be a chance?
You're in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. That's what I can tell from your post. Get yourself a good lawyer, get yourself into therapy to figure out why you're attracted to this unstable woman, and find a way to live a better life without her.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #75 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Hi all.
I am writing this whilst still in shock from my wife wanting a divorce.
She has been threatening me with seperation for months due to me not being able to relate to my eldest daughter of 7 years. I decided to get a home visiting counsellor involved and things are now great between us. My wife and I became closer and everything was good. We went to Lapland for Christmas with both our young daughters and had a great time. When we returned, we put the kids to bed sat down to watch tv and my wife asked to birrow my phone as her battery had died. After a few munutes, she got up and went to bed. I went to see her to ask what was wrong and she said she had found porn searches and was disgusted with me. Next day, she said that she had made a bag up for me to go to a hotel as she wants me out of the house. I refused and said I was ming home. She then made the spare bed up. The next day after the kids went to bed, she demanded an explanation but befire I could explain, she started screaming at me to leave that she didn't love me and wants a divorce. She called me a monster and said I had to go. I have never seen her so angry. She went on to say that she wanted me to stop torturing her by staying and that I would just manipulate her into staying with me in a few days. She was going to get legal advice today and took the kids with her.
I have appologised for the porn and admitted that it was wrong of me and told her that I will go to therapy to deal with looking at that stuff. I have agreed to be more focused on the family and get rid of ant distractions that she would not like but she is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say.
I can't believe that one day we were so happy together and the next I am facing divorce! Does anybody know what I should do here? I do not want to loose my family over this.
And you cannot see that you did anything wrong, can you?? Why in the world would you wife take offense to you viewing porn? It's just another women.....besides your wife that you vowed to be committed to. How would you feel if your wife were to take up interested with another man? How would that feel and it is not not the same? My reaction would ahve been the same as your wife. It is a betrayal. Good luck digging yourself out of this one. This is one of the reasons I left my husband.
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