Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 11:04 AM Thread Starter
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Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Hi all.
I am writing this whilst still in shock from my wife wanting a divorce.
She has been threatening me with seperation for months due to me not being able to relate to my eldest daughter of 7 years. I decided to get a home visiting counsellor involved and things are now great between us. My wife and I became closer and everything was good. We went to Lapland for Christmas with both our young daughters and had a great time. When we returned, we put the kids to bed sat down to watch tv and my wife asked to birrow my phone as her battery had died. After a few munutes, she got up and went to bed. I went to see her to ask what was wrong and she said she had found porn searches and was disgusted with me. Next day, she said that she had made a bag up for me to go to a hotel as she wants me out of the house. I refused and said I was ming home. She then made the spare bed up. The next day after the kids went to bed, she demanded an explanation but befire I could explain, she started screaming at me to leave that she didn't love me and wants a divorce. She called me a monster and said I had to go. I have never seen her so angry. She went on to say that she wanted me to stop torturing her by staying and that I would just manipulate her into staying with me in a few days. She was going to get legal advice today and took the kids with her.
I have appologised for the porn and admitted that it was wrong of me and told her that I will go to therapy to deal with looking at that stuff. I have agreed to be more focused on the family and get rid of ant distractions that she would not like but she is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say.
I can't believe that one day we were so happy together and the next I am facing divorce! Does anybody know what I should do here? I do not want to loose my family over this.

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post #2 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 11:13 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

If you have an addiction to porn, that's one thing. If you don't have to look at it (how often are you looking at porn??), and you can stop for good, that's another.
Either way, it is your home and she can't kick you out.
If your wife is that adamant she wants to divorce you, you had better get your own legal counsel before you make any decisions at all.
If you want good advice here, you need to explain what has been going on for the last few years. How your wife has been acting toward you. It sounds like she may have been looking for an excuse to divorce. However, the porn thing is a big deal and needs to be discussed. Sounds like your wife has her mind made up. If she's thinking you are going to "manipulate her into staying", exactly what CAN you do? Anything you say or do would be construed as manipulation.
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post #3 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 11:23 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

There's got to be more to this story.

What problems have you had in the marriage prior to this?

What issues do you have with her?

And what issues does she have with you?
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post #4 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 11:25 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

I personally don't see any problem with porn as long as it doesn't interfere with the sexual energy that should be given to the marriage.

I think your wife is unreasonable. But her lack of reason is what must be dealt with, on an emotional level, not on a logical level.

To your wife, she feels she has been betrayed because you've looked at other women and become sexually aroused by it. She feels she has become sexually inadequate becUse she cannot compare to those women or to the kind of one sided sex typically shown in porn. This is what you must respond to.

Reassure her that viewing porn does not make you wish your wife was more like those women. That seeing those women is not at all like seeing her, that they cannot hold a candle to how you feel about her. As you explain that men are visual creatures who enjoy watching porn, women also can become aroused by watching porn. Ask her who her favorite male movie star is. Does she sometimes think about him? It is just as unreasonable for you to be jealous of xyz celebrity hot male as it is for her to be jealous of the women seen in porn.

Promise her you will not watch porn unless she is sitting with you and enjoying it too.

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post #5 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 11:31 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

What kind of porn did she find?

Quick, go out now, right now! Get a VAR, if she wants you out this bad she may provide false allegations to throw you out. Record all interactions with her. You are legally entitled to stay in your house in most places, you should be checking with a lawyer about your rights too. Next time she goes crazy screaming at you just walk away, don't engage.

Also, if I haven't stressed this enough....GET A VAR NOW!!!

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post #6 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 11:40 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Does she have some extreme/fundamentalist views? A little porn is hardly a justification for such an extreme response, unless it is an excuse to dump you for other reasons. It could even be that she's cheating and this is her way to exit and move on easily - but, that's pure speculation. All I do know is that her reaction is way out of proportion to the supposed infraction. You may be better off without her, even though you probably don't feel that way at the moment. Time will tell.

Do protect yourself. Record all interactions, and get yourself a lawyer ASAP.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #7 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 11:49 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Originally Posted by Tron View Post
There's got to be more to this story.

What problems have you had in the marriage prior to this?

What issues do you have with her?

And what issues does she have with you?
B-I-N-G-O!!!!!

OP, the porn was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You mentioned "she's been threatening you with separation for months". What were the issues leading up to the threats?
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post #8 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:18 PM Thread Starter
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The problems have been around for many years. My wife has always been a capable but controlling woman. She is very hot and I just fell for her and married her after a year. After our honeymoon. She found a lad magazine in my workshop and accused me if getting off on other women. She wanted to call it a day then and we nearly anulled the marriage. She soon took me back when the place I found was sharing with another woman. She has always been very jelous even though I have never given her cause. After 5 years of marriage, 1 daughter and friction between us as she didn't feel wanted as I played guitar in a band, she wanted a separation. I moved out reluctantly and hoped we could work things out. She then decided to date different men, do cocaine and treat me like a servant and baby sitter when she wanted to go out. After loosing 4 stone and suffering the most difficult 9 months, I met a woman and decided to go on a date. My wife was not happy and the day after wanted to reconcile the marriage as I had become trim and more attractive to her. She then wanted to complete our family with a second child. Everything was ok except our sex life was dead. I started watching porn of all kinds on these sites, from latina babes to grandpa with teenagers. ( this is that has sickened her the most). I just went through the menu and looked at everything. She didn't find out and our sexual needs were met as she masturbated too. We had replaced each other by going solo because we were both too tired with two young children. We have had our ups and downs like most couples but she doesn't like me havung any hobbies or destractions from the family and this has caused problems as I have always written music.
The problems with my daughter were that her behaviour was getting out of control. She would shout at me. Run to her mother if I refused to let her have something. The crux came when she was hysterical and I smacked her bum. She was holding a pen next to her side and it stabbed me in the hand. At this point my wife couldn't deal with us both and wanted me out. It blew over. I then pulled my daughters arm one day when she was being rude to me and told her off. She went to her mother and told her I had hit her. Again, I was told to leave. It blew over as I agreed counselling in the home. It worked great and we discovered that my daughtet was being bullied at school. This brought us all closer as a family as we dealt with the problem. Then we went to lapland......
My wife has always been a very sexual woman in her head but never shared it. I found that she too had been looking at photos of naked women online recently but she never told me. She has secrets I eould never know. A few months ago I found that she had been flirting with a family friend on messenger! I think he started it byt she went along with it. When we had seperated before, she would send bikini snaps of herself to other guys to feel wanted. I on the other hand am quite shy and like a quiet life. I have never cheated taken drugs, flirted with other women. I just looked at porn.
Please ask if I missed anything
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post #9 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:34 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Andy,
Your marriage sounds completely dysfunctional.
It sounds like you messed up in the poem thing, but if your wife actually cared, she could easily straighten things out.
She must be quite a fox to have bullied you into this all these years. You have a hot wife, but can't have sex with her?
I don't understand the way your kids deal with you at all. Why is it that your kids don't seem connected to you, or your wife? Are you away on trips a lot?
Honestly, it sounds like porn is the least of your worries. Looks like you married the wrong person.
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post #10 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:37 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Andy101, I don't know what you should do here- it's your life and as Tron noted, there is a lot more going on than you have written so far.

However, based on what you have written, I do have some suggestions.

1) What always_hopeful said- GET A VAR NOW and start using it whenever you talk to her. This is the single most important thing you can do to protect yourself, right now.

2) What always_hopeful said- go see a lawyer. Free first visit. Understand your legal options and responsibilities.

3) Stop apologizing. Women loathe weak men who beg and plead. Apologizing over and over again for something is weak behavior and will make your wife loathe you even more. It doesn't convey sincerity. It doesn't impress her that you're "REALLY SORRY." So just stop. In fact, stop apologizing for anything at all.

4) Pay attention to what you wife SAYS.

5) Pay more attention to what your wife DOES. Actions speak louder than words. Don't give her the benefit of the doubt, or explain things away to yourself in the most positive light. Don't engage in wishful thinking. Examine her actions as if she were a stranger. If she were someone else, acting thus, what conclusions would you draw?

For instance, if you two were "so happy together and the next I am facing divorce!" there is a great chance that your wife wasn't actually happy the day before, and you totally missed it. You need to get better, fast.

6) If your wife threatens you with divorce during arguments, you may have screwed up badly long ago and chosen a poor life partner. Or you may have become one yourself over time. But either way, you don't want to be with someone who threatens your happiness constantly. The facts that you are looking at porn and then apologizing for it suggest that your marriage isn't having much physical intimacy, either.

Without knowing a whole lot more, it seems to me like you'll be better off without her. Tell me why you feel that this woman is so awesome.

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post #11 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:48 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Well, damn, Andy. I ended my first response with asking you to tell me why you thought this woman is awesome and you ended up explaining how you married Baba Yaga.

Here's the deal. You are a weak man. If you were Samson, you wife would have your head shaved bare.

Getting a divorce would be the best thing that could happen to you, but if your wife whistled, you'd come running back, because you're weak.

Don't be weak.

I will stand by all my recommendations, and add a couple.

7) The proper response when your wife threatens you with divorce is a profanity-laced tirade with emphasis on what kind of woman sends bikini pictures to other men.

8) Find hobbies. Take music back up, Make some new friends. All of these activities will make you feel more self confident and likeable. (That is to say, they'll make you feel more like a man).

9) A partner that won't have sex with you is not a suitable partner to be married to. You really should go find a woman who loves you so much that she'll have sex with you, at least occasionally.

None of this is relationship rocket-science. You're over 16. You should know this stuff. Go find happiness somewhere else- you're not going to find it with your current wife.
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post #12 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:49 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

this sounds more and more like a train wreck. might be best to separate.
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post #13 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 02:15 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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In view of the fact that he views porn quite regularly; him complaining about his wife appearing in a still photograph while wearing a bikini, kinda falls into the "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" category.
I call bs on that. He's not engaging in any behavior with any contact between individuals. He's not getting "emotionally attached "with porn. Just visual stuff.
If you can't see the difference between texting men pictures, and him looking at a little porn, I'm doubting your advice.
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post #14 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 02:41 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Well. We are getting somewhere now. The porn thing is really just a small manifestation of all the other issues going on. Focus on the big picture.

You've got a pretty messed up dynamic going with a high maintenance spouse. I won't say just yet that there is nothing to salvage here, but it certainly needs at least a complete reset. If you are willing to set aside all of her past transgressions then that will have to start with you. Perhaps she will come around.

1st thing, since you guys are not overly religious it would seem that, despite her "hotness", your W is insecure and has low self esteem. The way she copes with this is by seeking male attention outside the M, being jealous, throwing her weight around, pushing and pulling you every which way, and otherwise "controlling" everything in the M...including the sex.

You are going to have to grow a pair, because by allowing her to do this to you, you are reducing your status in the M, placing her on a pedestal and becoming a much less attractive mate. Get your balls back.

I would start by read the following 2 books:

No More Mister Nice Guy, by Robert Glover. Free download at https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

and then move to

Married Man Sex Life Primer, by Athol Kay

They are both a pretty quick read.

There is a wealth of information in the books that will hopefully explain a lot of the dysfunctional aspects of your marriage. Get going with them and then come back and tell us what you've found out about yourself, your wife and your marriage.

As a general assessment, I would say these are the things you have going for you:

(1) You have a pretty high sex rank job that gets you lots of female attention

(2) Because of (1) you have other options and she intuitively knows it

(3) You are the father of her kids and that counts for a lot

(4) There are a lot of things that you can do to change the dynamic

Where is Conrad when you need him.

A couple of other threads you might read when you have some time:
Fitness Tests
Submitting to the Truth
The Weeds of Codependence
One Transaction At a Time

Last edited by Tron; 12-29-2015 at 02:56 PM.
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post #15 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 02:58 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Wow, so looking at film of people sucking and fcking in God knows how many positions and conditions. Filmed prostitution, when they are paid. Extreme sexual exhibitionism and voyeurism when they aren't.

That's not as bad as a woman posing in a bikini, in a still photograph. No sexual activity. No nudity.

Her intent was bad. I agree.

What's his intent viewing Grandpa/teen porn? To strengthen the relationship with his wife?

You can call b.s. all you want. I get it, you watch porn; which you think is okay.

Can you consider the possibility that she posted the bikini pics because she needed some positive affirmation from other men that she was still attractive? Since OP has been a porn user throughout their entire relationship.

I know, I know. Women are just supposed to accept porn; and never speak out against their husbands using it.

But, by Christ, if she posts a picture of herself in swimwear. . . .
You are incorrect, I don't watch porn. I have before. Very seldom and have stopped it. She wasn't posting a picture, I'll bet. She was on c0caine and even though I've never done that before, I've heard it makes you want sex. I got the impression she was sending bikini pics to individuals.

The guy hasn't had any sex from his wife and watched some porn. You're equating that with doing cocaine and sending out bikini pics? Yes, we will have to disagree.
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Btw, I got the idea that he just happened in the gramps-teen crap. Not specifically liking that stuff. It's all bad; bad is bad. We agree on that.
I didn't get the idea he was a pirn user their entire marriage and agree wholeheartedly it's wrong. You say she was looking for affirmation from other men. To me, communication with other men of that type is far worse than watching porn. But yes, it appears out thinking is different on that.

Last edited by Evinrude58; 12-29-2015 at 03:02 PM.
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