Don't even know where to start, but here I go.
Me and my wife met on Eharmony, we both had a reasons to be searching for people on an online dating sites. We both run successful businesses and we were able to connect through Eharmony. We actually have a crap load in common.
We got married in 2007 and everything was picture perfect. I sold my house and moved in with her at her house. We had our ups and downs, a lot of downs. One of the major problems in our relationship was her child that was 11 and now he is 17. We had major parenting conflicts and have gotten into may fights because of this. For instance I like people to earn something rather than it just being handed to you. Like a car, cell phone, she even gives him her CC to go shopping with and he'll drop $900 in clothes. Our finances are separate and she pays her own CC payments, so some of you out there are saying, "Dude what's your problem, your lucky she pays her own CC". My response is he is over indulged and talks about dropping out of school, he just got fired from his job for 3 no call no shows. ect. No drive to earn anything and over indulging a child is dangerous behavior. Unless you want to live with your step child when hes 30 years old. This is just one of out tension points.
Two years ago her dad past away, and he was only 59. Complications with heart surgery. He was in ICU for 8 months and that was emotionally draining and she hasn't been the same since. She tells me she's over it as best as she can be, but I know she's not. Her dad was definitely #1 in her life. He ran the business that she took over after the fact. She tells me I wasn't there for her during that hard time in her life and there is no talking her out of her feelings. She discounts the 100's of hours I spent at the hospital, because I wasn't there as much as she needed me apparently. The ICU only allowed 2 people to go in to see him at a time and it was always her mom and her in there, I spent countless hours in a waiting room.
In the downturn of the economy her business has been suffering and I know that is a huge amount of added stress on her. Some weeks she has a hard time meeting payroll.
We have had our fights where she has said "I want a divorce" in the past, and those words cut deep. We have separated before in the past, she says 'I left her" 3 times and really she forgets that she told me to leave.
Long story short, 2 days ago she said she needed to talk to me. When ever she says that I know there is a serious problem. She told me that she has noticed that I have been trying really hard for our relationship for the past 3 month, but she said she has already checked out. She has never said those words to me before, and then the conversation moved to who keeps the house. So I knew she was serious. She told me she had talked to her mom and she could move in with her mom or with her brother. Or I could move in with my brother, and that might be easier. In all practical reasons moving in with my brother would make more since, since I got rid of everything to before we got married to be with her.
We do have serious communication issues, she is the type of person that has to be right on everything and sometimes it's embarrassing, especially when she doesn't know what she's talking about. She was arguing with some furniture movers 5 days ago that our bed was not a California King, and they were installing the bed in our bedroom, and they set the bed to a regular king, and the bed didn't fit. Then she was arguing with the professional furniture movers that she has never bought one before and they didn't know what to say. They just set the bed to a California King size and guess what???? The bed fits! The only reason I'm telling you something so petty is that is I have a problem with our relationship and need to talk to her I have to put kid gloves on, even if I know I'm right.
Maybe she's just so unhappy that anything just pisses her off.
She told me 2 days ago that for the rest of my life I would settle for a "Mediocre" Marriage and she can't. So she's not saying the marriage is bad just mediocre. I see no signs of cheating or anything like that, but how do women just turn off a switch like that? Is it that her business is failing, her dad died, her son is driving her up a wall, and her marriage isn't what she wants, and I'm the only thing she can throw away?
I have taken my wife all over the world, Twice! Mediocre? For example, Rome 2 times, Venice, Switzerland, Monte Carlo, Canada skiing 2 times, France, Costa Rica 2 times, Cozumel 3 times, Cancun 4 times, and pretty much every island in the Caribbean. I guess those places are pretty "mediocre"
I told her that if she wanted to leave then I would appreciate if she was the one who moved out, since it was her idea to separate, and it would be better for me if she did it sooner than later. It is really hard to try to get over someone if they are in your same living environment. We don't have kids. She was a little offended that I just wouldn't go to my brothers, which I may anyway.
I hope you guys read this, I know it's hard to put 5-7 years on one post. I love her, don't want it to end. But if the grass is greener maybe she needs to find out. She if incredibly good looking so she won't have a hard time finding anyone to find out. I'm not ugly either. (I Think)
Please if you can give me advise, any advise, something. If you think my story sucks let me know that too! I don't know what to do.
Your wife may be depressed. Why does she say mediocre,when it sounds very exciting? When people make drastic changes there is usually a motivating factor, and remember people do lie. If the love can be rekindled I would work on it, but don't give her all the power to make all the decisions. You state what you want and move forward to put in place.
Sorry to hear your story PM...thats a tough spot. It is hard to get 5-7 yrs in a post to help explain everything. I tried writing my story countless times just to delete it due to the length......
Have you had a chance to sit down and really talk with her ? Some of the things she gets upset about rings true to me...My stbxw did the same...
Turns out alot of the time she wasn't really upset about what I did so much as to other things going on in her life...work ,friends,etc....Things that didn't even include me...I used to wonder why she would be so upset about something so small ...I finally figured out that I wasn't tuned in or hearing to what she was really saying..
When those type of situations did come up I took a breathe let her vent and asked her if that was what was really bothering her or if there was something else...Surprisingly enough she would tell me about something else hat had happened and after that she would be back to her normal self...Does that make sense?
There has been so much change lately with her maybe just pick a good time and sit and talk with her ...find a good MC and set up an appointment...
Lots of issues with your wife - she seems to be a high maintenance, entitled, daddies girl. I wont say she does not appreciates what she has, it is more like what she has cannot ever match what she thinks she is entitled to.
It is possible that she wants a daddy not a husband. Someone to give her unconditional love, tell her what a perfect girl she is and to make everything alright as if by magic.
I think you should take a real hard azzz attitude on this. There is no reason that this marriage should go south if both of you were willing to value what you have and come together as a team.
You are not her father, we get just one and if hers was good then she was more fortunate than most.
Your wife may need a dose of reality. She may need to see that life has ups and downs for us all. In the down times you dont shead people yu draw them closer. She needs some time alone to handle her stuff and to realize that she is the problem and that men are not going to make all of her problems go away like daddy.
My advice - be nice, polite and cool, not mean or angry but - make her do all of the work if she wants the separation; be hard nosed about it; don't be a push over; get all self-important and like your s**t don't stink type of attitude. Be as entitled as she is. She may begin to see herself for what she is.
Thanks for your comment, Depressed??? IDK, I know she's not happy. Sometimes when people get into a routine and you get used to going to really nice places that stuff too can get boring and Mediocre.
This isn't the first time she has told me that she wasn't happy. I don't know if I can make her happy, which is what kills me the most.
She told me she wanted to split now because I have some trips lined up in the next 4 months and she can't go on them cause she's too busy with work. She know they will be asking for names really soon on who's going on the trips.
See I buy alot of stuff from manufactures and they send me on alot of trips. The trips this year that are coming up is a cruise in October, A week long trip to Whistsler BC, A week in Cancun, another Cruise to Hawaii, and I didn't have time to do another trip that would have gone to Spain. All of this is lined up before March.
I am very fortunate to get these perks, but I work dam hard to get them too!
Is my wife depressed???? I don't think she's ever been the same since her dad died. But she'll be the first one to argue with me about that. Our biggest problem is communication. She can do it and I'm not allowed to. For instance, if something is on her mind, she says it. If something is on my mind, I can't just say it for repercussions of her giving me 10 reasons why I'm wrong.
I know I'm not perfect in the marriage, but I will definitely take your advise on making her go through all the work to do the "Separation". All of this go thrown on me 30 hours ago, so I really don't know what to think. But if she wants out then she can leave the house. I may just give her the house anyway, but I want her to go through the motions to move all her S**t out and see what it's like to sleep on couches and other places for a couple weeks. She told me if I stay in this house then I have to pay all of the mortgage ect. We split everything before. I can afford it, but I know she was mad when I told her I wanted her to leave, that's why she said it would be easier if I stayed at my brothers. But now since she said I have to pay it all, then maybe I'll just let her come back and she can pay it all and I can live with my brother for free. That'll save me about 4K a month. She can afford it too, so I might as well save the money in the mean time.
"Our biggest problem is communication. She can do it and I'm not allowed to. For instance, if something is on her mind, she says it. If something is on my mind, I can't just say it for repercussions of her giving me 10 reasons why I'm wrong."
I hear you loud and clear on this one....I tried to find away to communicate my thoughts with my wife...it always ended the same...me having to hear her but the moment I spoke she would blow it off and say I was wrong or shift blame and so on...
Its tough when things get there....
As far as the house goes....she probably didn't expect you to want to stay...Thats a personal call that only you.... can really know the answer too...If you are good going to your bro's that maybe good, you can have support and be close to people that really care for you...
With that being said though...If she wants out... she should leave...
The easier thing to do would be work 100% on the marriage not leave...The grass is not greener.
She must think the Grass if "Greener". Not sure why she thinks that unless she either has her eyes on someone else. Which I see no signs of that. She generally is a very smart person and would think things through logically before jumping, that's why I think this has been a long time in the doing.
She did mention something a few days ago that I thought was odd now after She told me she wanted a Divorce. She mentioned a "Mutual" friend of ours (Who recently got divorced) She was on her Facebook wall and told me "She looks like she's having the time of her life" Now we just know her and we don't really talk to her or hang out with her so I know she's not bending her ear. Basically she doesn't have "Man" Bashing friends.
And that's another thing, it's not like we have or she has friend that could talk to her about leaving me. All of her friends will think she's stupid, they all like me, but tell her that if she's not happy then they will support her. Which is understandable.
Hang in there brother...Its tough road we are on. I have been thinking about my wife constantly the past 24 hrs. I am not sure why or what triggered it...but I have this strong desire to call her and ask her to go to lunch or send her an email and ask her to come home...It just sucks....
It maybe that time, is one our closest friends for now...
So feeling really low right now. In an hour I have to head into work, and everyone is going to ask me "What Happened"? I will have to relive all of my broken hearted feelings over and over again. I have a wedding picture that has been up for 4 years right above my phone, and it's going to kill me to take it down. I don't even want to go to work. I don't know what I would do with out this forum, I am so lonely!
leave the picture for later, most people will respect your privacy out of fear of not knowing what to say. The others give them a look like you ain't for no shyt today and they should back off. Do not hide in this misery, you have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. More people than you know are in the same trouble. Have a wonderful day.
Suddenly your marriage is "mediocre". When you know it wasnt.
I think this is a ditch-effort to see if better could be had.
A very terrible and infantile method of coping with problems.
But my exwife did the same things, said the same things.
A year later, I am divorced, but I am alright.
Losing that obligatory nature I had towards her was the best thing for me, because she was by nature incapable of appreciating it.
BTW, I agree with you on raising that son of hers, it sounds like hes in for a lifetime of disappointment and struggle. Shes doing him no favors at all and that is not even remotely "parenting".