 Re: Trying to move on
Well, and then you actually "get" divorced.
In my circumstances, it was final without a hitch, and everything was signed.
Now I am out and about, looking at houses for sale, my "new" place, that is supposed to stand for my "freedom" from the "betrayer". But it doesnt really feel that free at all. It is and remains awash with a sense of extreme loss, fear of lonliness, replaying the "whys" and what-ifs as if you are still in your very first week after discovery day. I can only hope it starts to feel better, as even some of the most beautiful homes feel more "empty" than I expected.
One would think I would be excited or looking forward to it.
It is in a way its own little crazy limbo-land, until you get accustomed to it, and are able to remember what it was like to be single and on your own and not obligated to anyone else and completely totally self -reliant after NOT having been for sixteen years.
I certainly of course dont want to stay with the ex in the old house.
But something initially feels missing in the "happiness" department, while locating and finding houses to make an offer on and move into. Walking around the rooms, looking at the backyard, looking at the kitchen. You see, all the dreams of family and raising children and traditions and watching the kids go from crawling around on the floor in diapers into their first day of fourth grade,,,, were supposed to happen at that OLD house. goddammit that was the house this was all supposed to happen in, together, growing old together, watching our child get bigger and turn into an adult, IT was supposed to officially be the "safe-Home-Front" to come home to whenever. Now its a shell of a broken family, destroyed by what-the-hell-ever you can come up with happened on my side an on hers. I cant replace that dream, can i?
And the emptiness of the new house feels like a cheap bondo patch job over a rusting fender.
Maybe its the whole reason for it all, that sort of clouds what goodness could be felt about moving on and getting my own place.
It certainly feels like being given the boot all over again. Here, you found a great house, want to move in, have to move in, have to move quickly, being at the old marital home with the ex is driving you nuts and revealing new ways to hurt you deeply.
As if a piece of paper signed by a judge would suddenly remove the film from the windows and reveal a bright day outside.
But it doesnt.
The little frustrations with moving out are compounded and inflamed. "Problems" that hinder your ability to obtain a house means that you must stay in the old place even longer, suffer more, but then again, the thought of being "on your own" out there brings with it a whole slew of worries and removal of all comfort.
You have to get out of your comfort zone, to go find a place that has no comfort zone established, so you end up feeling like youre on a road somewhere lost.
And it sux.
I'm sorry, I was doing a lot better yesterday.
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His delay, is not a denial.
Last edited by Shooboomafoo; 09-07-2011 at 11:05 AM.
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