Right there with you Sod.
This is definitely a very difficult time in our lives.
STBXW and I have mediation scheduled for this Friday, and I just have a feeling its going to be war. In the end the lawyers will win, and we all lose, especially my daughter.. sigh..
In the end the lawyers will win, and we all lose, especially my daughter.. sigh..
That's perhaps the biggest thing I don't understand in this process. Why can't they see that they have already hurt everyone enough with their affair? Why can't they see that fighting over all of this only hurts their kids and makes the lawyers rich?
Hang in there. We will all get through this soon enough. Even though the amount will not be large for a while, when this is said and done, you will have YOUR money and YOUR time. It's been so long for me that everything I made was OUR money that any little dime that survives the alimony gauntlet will be appreciated. If I get $100 per month of MY money, that will be an improvement over the past 13 years. Maybe you can look at it that way.
Well, and then you actually "get" divorced.
In my circumstances, it was final without a hitch, and everything was signed.
Now I am out and about, looking at houses for sale, my "new" place, that is supposed to stand for my "freedom" from the "betrayer". But it doesnt really feel that free at all. It is and remains awash with a sense of extreme loss, fear of lonliness, replaying the "whys" and what-ifs as if you are still in your very first week after discovery day. I can only hope it starts to feel better, as even some of the most beautiful homes feel more "empty" than I expected.
One would think I would be excited or looking forward to it.
It is in a way its own little crazy limbo-land, until you get accustomed to it, and are able to remember what it was like to be single and on your own and not obligated to anyone else and completely totally self -reliant after NOT having been for sixteen years.
I certainly of course dont want to stay with the ex in the old house.
But something initially feels missing in the "happiness" department, while locating and finding houses to make an offer on and move into. Walking around the rooms, looking at the backyard, looking at the kitchen. You see, all the dreams of family and raising children and traditions and watching the kids go from crawling around on the floor in diapers into their first day of fourth grade,,,, were supposed to happen at that OLD house. goddammit that was the house this was all supposed to happen in, together, growing old together, watching our child get bigger and turn into an adult, IT was supposed to officially be the "safe-Home-Front" to come home to whenever. Now its a shell of a broken family, destroyed by what-the-hell-ever you can come up with happened on my side an on hers. I cant replace that dream, can i?
And the emptiness of the new house feels like a cheap bondo patch job over a rusting fender.
Maybe its the whole reason for it all, that sort of clouds what goodness could be felt about moving on and getting my own place.
It certainly feels like being given the boot all over again. Here, you found a great house, want to move in, have to move in, have to move quickly, being at the old marital home with the ex is driving you nuts and revealing new ways to hurt you deeply.
As if a piece of paper signed by a judge would suddenly remove the film from the windows and reveal a bright day outside.
But it doesnt.
The little frustrations with moving out are compounded and inflamed. "Problems" that hinder your ability to obtain a house means that you must stay in the old place even longer, suffer more, but then again, the thought of being "on your own" out there brings with it a whole slew of worries and removal of all comfort.
You have to get out of your comfort zone, to go find a place that has no comfort zone established, so you end up feeling like youre on a road somewhere lost.
It's been so long for me that everything I made was OUR money that any little dime that survives the alimony gauntlet will be appreciated. If I get $100 per month of MY money, that will be an improvement over the past 13 years. Maybe you can look at it that way.
Thats so true. When I look back at how much money my stbxw wasted on stuff we didnt need its mindblowing. Last year alone she spent $30,000 at department stores so either way this will shock her system. I truly wish I could waive the 60 day waiting period and just get this over with already.
Shoo - Hang in there. I am not as far along as you but I am out of the house already heading down the D-Train. I can imagine what you are going through but keep your head up. You will find a place where you wont get exposed to toxic influences and build yourself up again.
Another day forward and still hanging in there. My anger is slowly subsiding since I have spoken with attorney and finally gotten some straight answers about the impacts. I need to send some docs to her attorney to acknowledge receipt of petition for divorce to avoid being served. He told me I had until today to return it and have been holding it until late today to send just because I can (its all done as of last week).
Got several calls tonight as apparently my wife is shocked that I am not just rolling over and taking whatever she throws at me. I tried to reason with her before that the filing she put into the court system has me paying temporary support (kid and alimony) which I now need to comply with. I explained that this would replace any arrangement we had when we separated but she failed to connect the dots.
She is not happy now that my lawyer had to reach out to hers and get this fixed and explain to her that she is now responsible for her bills and I wont cover everything for her anymore as the court agreement should take care of it all.
She apparently doesnt agree and is pretty ticked off. Well, next round of reality check for you STBXW as you are the one who gave up on us and filed without trying anything. I am not being unfair but she disagrees. Oh well
One more item I neglected to mention. After hanging up the phone from her latest barrage, she calls me back to tell me that my daughter (6) spontaneously said without being prompted that my sister is mean to her, lies to her and make the kids feel uncomfortable. She had 4 other adults in the house that heard it so she is not making it up.
I moved into an apartment with my sister to ensure the kids could have a bedroom when I moved out and she is always nice to them and they love her. Wife of course said that if thats the case, would I be opposed to her keeping the kids more often to which I replied absolutely not. I will not use the kids as weapons and I will talk with my daughter tonight about her "concerns" but I will not do less than 50/50 with my kids.
Not even an hour later, phone rings again and this time its both my kids crying that they miss me and want to be with me. I try to keep a brave face and calm them down over the phone promising them that they will see me on Friday and we will have some fun this weekend. I encouraged them to enjoy their time with Mommy and I would see them soon. After the kids hand the phone back to Mom, I asked if the kids were ok now and she just says to me "I'm F%$^ing great, my kids dont want to be with me". OK.......not what I asked but fine.
Its killing me what these kids are going through because our marriage has been destroyed by this woman. As much as we try to protect them it doesnt change the fact that because my wife wants a divorce (and payday apparently) that no matter what happens to our relationship, our kids will suffer. This SUCKS!!!!!
Got the paperwork today from the payment processing center that requires me to pay the temp orders effective the 15th of this month. Seeing as I am working to correct what my wifes idiot lawyer entered and make it right, I didnt really appreciate the court letter that stated if I didnt pay then I could go to jail. NICE!!
I know that feeling all too well mine deleted all our photos also. It bothered me as well but hey we can get through it. They are always doing anything they can to get a little jab in and it does not make sense.
They are always doing anything they can to get a little jab in and it does not make sense.
Dont really understand why. I was willing to work on the marriage but she was the one who gave up on us without a fight. Why would she continue to try to jab? Its probably more her "cleansing" her past so that her new friends dont see our history.