The Toolkit of the Confident Man - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by EnigmaGirl View Post
lol, I think this guy is trying to suggest that he's some kind of alpha dog who can handle an irrational woman.

I think a more sane approach would be simply to treat adults with adult behavior and have a conversation.
And that conversation will accomplish exactly what - that the previous 9800 conversations didn't?

As far as respect goes, it starts with yourself.

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post #17 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:29 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Here's the rub, in my opinion. I think the whole personality disorder thing is thrown around a little loose on the TAM boards. If there is a professional diagnosis in place, I'm on board if not, it's just a subjective opinion. (To me anyways)

If I were to assign negative intentions to the OP, I would say it sounds like,"hey guys, I got my crazy wife secret decoder ring in the mail, and not only do we not fight, but I get laid more too!!"

If I were to assign positive intentions, I would say it sounds like you are saying establishing healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self has improved my relationship. I'm all in there. Preaching to the choir on that one!! I'm guessing the second one is true.

I would hate to think my spouse just thinks I'm crazy and dismisses my concerns as craziness or a sh"* test. I think all humans, male and female just want to feel heard.
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This is an excellent post and response to the OP. Seems to me, however, he's more interested in Teaching than Learning.

Personally, I find your approach rather passive-aggressive, OP. But if it works for you and your marriage, kudos to you. I agree with the others, however, that you should probably refrain from calling your spouse names on the internet. Not only might she read it someday and be hurt by it, but it's simply a classless thing for you to do to a woman I hope you love.
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post #18 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by sapientia View Post
This is an excellent post and response to the OP. Seems to me, however, he's more interested in Teaching than Learning.

Personally, I find your approach rather passive-aggressive, OP. But if it works for you and your marriage, kudos to you. I agree with the others, however, that you should probably refrain from calling your spouse names on the internet. Not only might she read it someday and be hurt by it, but it's simply a classless thing for you to do to a woman I hope you love.
Not certain what sort of names I'm calling.

When someone has been married several times and their childhood pollutes every adult relationship they've ever had, deep down, they know. Their defensiveness is often a front to keep from dealing with their own issues.
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post #19 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:38 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

So, you feel the need to kick her further, even though you do it passive-aggressively? That's not something to be applauded or proud of.

Have you seen your own counsellor about this? In a very real way, your own actions can border on abuse if you aren't careful. Here, this article is something you may find helpful to start with:

http://marriagecounselingblog.com/ma...ve-aggressive/
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post #20 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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So, you feel the need to kick her further, even though you do it passive-aggressively? That's not something to be applauded or proud of.
Kick her how?

Taking care of oneself isn't kicking the other person.

Neither is acknowledging the issues that exist in the relationship. That's simply being honest with people who need honesty.
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post #21 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

And, first and foremost being honest with myself.

If you don't get a grip on what's happening in your relationship and why, you end up bitter, frustrated, and angry.
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post #22 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:55 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Kick her how?

Taking care of oneself isn't kicking the other person.

Neither is acknowledging the issues that exist in the relationship. That's simply being honest with people who need honesty.
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Instead of asking me to turn down the music, she started playing with the remote (pausing, turning it off). I eventually asked her for it. I also asked HER to set the volume so it wouldn't disturb her. She was intent on escalating the conflict. So she slept in the guest bedroom and left me a ridiculous note about how I don't care about her and she didn't feel we needed to sleep in the same bed.
You were passive aggressive in stating your needs^. You made HER take responsibility instead of addressing the conflict by stating your own needs clearly and then negotiating with her, calmly.

She certainly didn't state her needs, but then you claim she is one from the abused background and you are more enlightened, so you shouldn't expect her to state her needs clearly at this point. She needs to learn how. From you. If you really care. Do you? I'm sure you think you are a good guy, but that last comment makes you sound like a tool. No marriage is ever one-sided in its issues and yours are becoming quite clear.

Her note was her way of trying to communicate with you; it is her method because she clearly doesn't trust you to discuss verbally and you just ridiculed it. Or perhaps its her way to stay more controlled if she gets agitated verbally. I don't know your wife and she isn't here to comment so I'm only addressing YOUR issues at this time.
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post #23 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 01:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

I gave up mind reading the day I decided to love myself.

My offer to her was sincere. The passive aggressive person was the one hijacking the remote and turning off the music without speaking to me.

The good news is, I have plenty of experience with this.

So, back to my original point. Does this look and feel like the relationship I was expecting? Have I been vindicated? Does she love me?

I'm certain she loves me in her way. And, that's good enough - as long as I'm able to care for myself. All too often, that last part is what gets lost. Looking for someone else to be "reasonable" and make you happy is a fool's errand. Every morning, you have to look in the mirror. If you decide to be a doormat, you'll see a doormat staring back at you.

The good news is... there's no reason to be a doormat, even though it "feels" like there is and so many people will insist that you should be one

I could explain her note to you. It was an effort to vindicate herself on an issue where she's been clearly wrong. So wrong that she's been unable to even concoct enough excuses to keep up the facade.
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post #24 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 08:27 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

I'm truly sorry to hear she is CSA survivor. Have either or both of you received any sort of professional help?

I agree about people taking care of themselves. You can't pour from an empty cup.
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post #25 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 08:34 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Looking for someone else to be "reasonable" and make you happy is a fool's errand. Every morning, you have to look in the mirror. If you decide to be a doormat, you'll see a doormat staring back at you.
Its actually not if you marry the right person.

There's a lot of couples that treat each other with respect and talk to each other in honesty and deference. A lot of people don't want to play silly, goofy games AFTER they get married.

Its sad that instead of being able to reach a mature partnership with your wife that you have to resort to game playing to get your needs met that you have to trick and train her like a dog on how to treat you respectfully.

I wouldn't advise this behavior to anyone.

There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and requiring a standard of treatment but their is something seriously wrong with your dishonest and underhanded methodology to achieve it.

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post #26 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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You guys have likely figured out I'm married to a disordered spouse. People have asked me if I can ever have the "relationship I want" married to this person.

The answer is simple. We go into any endeavor with our vision of "how it will be". Then, we find out "how it is". We find out what our partner is capable of doing. Then we can make an informed decision.

Last night was a perfect example. My son was over to play darts (a weekly thing). I was out tossing the ball with my pit bull/lab hybrid. 57 pounds of pure muscle and (oftentimes) my only friend at home.

Our next door neighbor came over with his dogs. They spent the night running in the yard - having a blast. We cranked some tunes on my outdoor speakers. It lasted hours. The dog hasn't even made a sound this morning. A wonderful "guy's night". His wife was at the movies. My wife was running errands, but came home in the middle of it.

Instead of asking me to turn down the music, she started playing with the remote (pausing, turning it off). I eventually asked her for it. I also asked HER to set the volume so it wouldn't disturb her. She was intent on escalating the conflict. So she slept in the guest bedroom and left me a ridiculous note about how I don't care about her and she didn't feel we needed to sleep in the same bed.

Suffice it to say, I issued one (and only one) apology for not being sensitive to the difficulty she was having. I listened. When she started dumping her anger, I started walking away. She followed me to clarify. We eventually ended up having dynamite sex.

If you love them anyway, this is what you do. Do not be afraid of your wife's emotions. Friction is the root of attraction. She feels safe when you stand up to her.

Did I think it would be like this? LOL But, I've got the playbook. So, we adjust expectations and realize it ain't all bad
a) where it the 'toolkit' you reference in the title
b) are you jld's husband?
c) cool story bro
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post #27 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 09:22 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by Ms. GP View Post
"hey guys, I got my crazy wife secret decoder ring in the mail, and not only do we not fight, but I get laid more too!!"
Can you get those through Amazon?




OP, sounds like you might have read "Hold on to your N.U.T.s". Or achieved the same results by your own work. Either way, congrats.

Also, you seem to be fortunate in that approach working for you. It's not always successful.
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post #28 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 09:37 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post

When someone has been married several times and their childhood pollutes every adult relationship they've ever had, deep down, they know. Their defensiveness is often a front to keep from dealing with their own issues.
I agree. These are unhealthy behaviors, but so are ignoring red flags and marrying someone who displays these behaviors. Sick people attract sick people.
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post #29 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Can you get those through Amazon?
l.
Not anymore. My hubby bought the last one!
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post #30 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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b) are you jld's husband?
lmfao
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