I happen to think this is a great place for this discussion. Most of the men on this board were in this situation and never even knew it.
OP saying his wife is PD is not name calling if it is fact. Based on her history and the couples history in therapy I think we have to take him at his word. No different if a woman came here and called her husband an alcoholic. It is what it is.
My question to the OP is if this is a sustainable relationship? I know you love her but you really need to be on your toes 24/7.
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I wouldn't call it being on my toes 24/7.
When you love yourself sufficiently, you no longer look to others to supply that which you are missing. It empowers you to appreciate them for what they are and - in my case - that is her loving me "in her way".
Will she ever be what an outsider would conclude is a "considerate" partner? Absolutely not. They would consider her selfish. She sees her children as an extension of herself and they can - literally - do no wrong. If they're called to account, this activates her PTSD and the result is vigorous defensiveness.
If you're at 50k, you can observe all of this - while enforcing your boundaries. It really has nothing to do with me - it has everything to do with her.
Now, before the catcalls begin - I'm certainly not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But, I certainly won't be doing the laundry for people that won't speak to me and I would never clean up their overflowing bathroom wastebaskets full of feminine hygiene products that they can't be bothered to throw away.
I know the result of bringing these sorts of things up. So, I don't. But, I also AVOID the #3's associated with gritting my teeth and engaging in doormat behavior.
When it's time to stand up, I do it without emotion. We have the relationship we currently have. We just had our anniversary on New Year's Eve and it was the absolute hottest we've had in our entire marriage. There were no expectations about what "should" happen. We just went with what did.
Living down 8 or so years of screwed up occasions is part of this confidence. Just because you've blown it in the past doesn't mean you can't talk less and do more this time.