The Toolkit of the Confident Man - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 06:41 PM
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Mexican beach. Margaritas.

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post #77 of 188 (permalink) Old 03-08-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Has this been booked yet?

Marlin fishing for Marlin off the coast of Cabo sounds pretty good.


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post #78 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-23-2016, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

While we await the "Mules in Mexico" world tour, I thought I'd provide a short update.

Many of us hear the same lament about "no connection". It's often used to "explain" many things. Lack of romance, etc.

When serial codependent losers hear such a phrase, the tendency is to panic. Start explaining. Start with the probing questions about "what can I do to fix this," etc.

I heard that phrase the other night. We're running a business and my wife is now finding out what I've known for 30 years. Working every day is difficult. Some days, you simply drop dead of being tired. You encounter the personal issues of your employees and try to move the ball forward. There's a high degree of stress involved.

To maintain a romantic connection, you need quality time.

So, I suggested a motorcycle ride on Sunday (our day off). I start hearing about how one of her kids needs her and they do things on Sunday. I suggest we go early - she starts talking about sleeping in.

Me now:

"So, when we do try to schedule time, we're going to have to fight through bull**** excuses. I'm not ok with that"

I went downstairs.

Within 20 minutes, the text floated in:

"I'll be ready to ride at 11am"
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post #79 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-23-2016, 04:54 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
While we await the "Mules in Mexico" world tour, I thought I'd provide a short update.

Many of us hear the same lament about "no connection". It's often used to "explain" many things. Lack of romance, etc.

When serial codependent losers hear such a phrase, the tendency is to panic. Start explaining. Start with the probing questions about "what can I do to fix this," etc.

I heard that phrase the other night. We're running a business and my wife is now finding out what I've known for 30 years. Working every day is difficult. Some days, you simply drop dead of being tired. You encounter the personal issues of your employees and try to move the ball forward. There's a high degree of stress involved.

To maintain a romantic connection, you need quality time.

So, I suggested a motorcycle ride on Sunday (our day off). I start hearing about how one of her kids needs her and they do things on Sunday. I suggest we go early - she starts talking about sleeping in.

Me now:

"So, when we do try to schedule time, we're going to have to fight through bull**** excuses. I'm not ok with that"

I went downstairs.

Within 20 minutes, the text floated in:

"I'll be ready to ride at 11am"


Fear v. Confidence




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post #80 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 05:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

The biggest challenge for serial codependents is to call out bull**** excuses when they start getting them.

Without rancor... without drama... without neediness

Stand your ground.
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post #81 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 05:58 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Of course it is.

It requires you acknowledge the gut feeling that you know you are being b.s.'d, then overcoming the anxiety of confrontation to say something about it, and lastly avoiding the anger that comes with listening to your gut while actually saying the right thing rather than any old thing that comes to mind.

Two years after recognizing my codependency I still struggle with it.

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post #82 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 06:37 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Selecting the right partner matters. I haven't had to listen to a bull**** excuse in 3 years.

My first two LTRs were women I chose because of FOO issues.

Now, at 46, those issues have been addressed....and the codependent traits and behaviors have magically faded away.

Imagine that.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #83 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 08:53 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
While we await the "Mules in Mexico" world tour, I thought I'd provide a short update.

Many of us hear the same lament about "no connection". It's often used to "explain" many things. Lack of romance, etc.

When serial codependent losers hear such a phrase, the tendency is to panic. Start explaining. Start with the probing questions about "what can I do to fix this," etc.

I heard that phrase the other night. We're running a business and my wife is now finding out what I've known for 30 years. Working every day is difficult. Some days, you simply drop dead of being tired. You encounter the personal issues of your employees and try to move the ball forward. There's a high degree of stress involved.

To maintain a romantic connection, you need quality time.

So, I suggested a motorcycle ride on Sunday (our day off). I start hearing about how one of her kids needs her and they do things on Sunday. I suggest we go early - she starts talking about sleeping in.

Me now:

"So, when we do try to schedule time, we're going to have to fight through bull**** excuses. I'm not ok with that"

I went downstairs.

Within 20 minutes, the text floated in:

"I'll be ready to ride at 11am"
This is tough to tackle as a codep....it requires you to have supreme confidence in yourself and what you bring to the table. A trait that many codep lack in abundance.

I feel this may be easier for someone who is in a LTR and has a baseline. For someone who may be in a new R, it is much more difficult to stand your ground. The fear is too overwhelming IMO- This is where many mistakes and poor decisions are made as well

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #84 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbe View Post
This is tough to tackle as a codep....it requires you to have supreme confidence in yourself and what you bring to the table. A trait that many codep lack in abundance.

I feel this may be easier for someone who is in a LTR and has a baseline. For someone who may be in a new R, it is much more difficult to stand your ground. The fear is too overwhelming IMO- This is where many mistakes and poor decisions are made as well
When you stop speaking in generalities, and start speaking specifically towards yourself, you may actually begin to face those fears.

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post #85 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:16 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbe View Post
This is tough to tackle as a codep....it requires you to have supreme confidence in yourself and what you bring to the table. A trait that many codep lack in abundance.

I feel this may be easier for someone who is in a LTR and has a baseline. For someone who may be in a new R, it is much more difficult to stand your ground. The fear is too overwhelming IMO- This is where many mistakes and poor decisions are made as well
It seems tough now; where you are.

It's really quite simple.

Keep it about yourself.

Let others worry about themselves. Don't take on their emotional load.

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post #86 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:19 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
When you stop speaking in generalities, and start speaking specifically towards yourself, you may actually begin to face those fears.

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I am clearly speaking from personal experiences

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post #87 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:29 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I am clearly speaking from personal experiences
And yet you are clearly speaking about "someone" when addressing fears. This is a symptom of dissociation.

So why are you doing it? Every person in this thread knows you are fearful. Yet you try to speak as if it happens to others, but not you.

And then to come back and say you actually meant you? If you did, you would have spoken of yourself in the first person given you had just done it in the previous sentence.

I call b.s.

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post #88 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:35 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
And yet you are clearly speaking about "someone" when addressing fears. This is a symptom of dissociation.

So why are you doing it? Every person in this thread knows you are fearful. Yet you try to speak as if it happens to others, but not you.

And then to come back and say you actually meant you? If you did, you would have spoken of yourself in the first person given you had just done it in the previous sentence.

I call b.s.

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I was making an observation based on my personal experience. When I respond I try to do so without ALWAYS making it about me. Especially when its not in MY thread. I dont see anything wrong with that...

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #89 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbe View Post
This is tough to tackle as a codep....it requires you to have supreme confidence in yourself and what you bring to the table. A trait that many codep lack in abundance.

I feel this may be easier for someone who is in a LTR and has a baseline. For someone who may be in a new R, it is much more difficult to stand your ground. The fear is too overwhelming IMO- This is where many mistakes and poor decisions are made as well
@unbe, is it fair to say that YOU would find it harder to "stand your ground" in a new R?
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post #90 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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@unbe, is it fair to say that YOU would find it harder to "stand your ground" in a new R?
100000% thats fair to say.

To be clear I am not currently in any R but I would absolutely have this fear if I was in one.

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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