The Toolkit of the Confident Man - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 10:09 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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100000% thats fair to say.

To be clear I am not currently in any R but I would absolutely have this fear if I was in one.
Fear of what?


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post #92 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 10:18 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Fear of what?
Honestly fear that If I voiced my opinion in something I didn't agree with then I would lose her...

If its something I believe is a deal breaker than yes I would but for something like RTZ outlined, I personally wouldn't feel that was that big of a deal and I would just brush it off.

If I was in something that was more long term then the spectrum opens up a bit but it doesn't fully open up to all things I dont agree with.

Again, this is me talking in the present. I am hoping that with my continued work on myself this will change. However if this were to happen today, this is how I would act.

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #93 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Honestly fear that If I voiced my opinion in something I didn't agree with then I would lose her...

If its something I believe is a deal breaker than yes I would but for something like RTZ outlined, I personally wouldn't feel that was that big of a deal and I would just brush it off.

If I was in something that was more long term then the spectrum opens up a bit but it doesn't fully open up to all things I dont agree with.

Again, this is me talking in the present. I am hoping that with my continued work on myself this will change. However if this were to happen today, this is how I would act.
Mavash. would love this.

We already know what you've written above to be true.

Your fear is not losing some fictional future person.

It's rooted in your past.

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post #94 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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For a long time I considered myself a magnet for dysfunctional people. And then I got it.

Those things I once considered subtle are now glaringly obvious.

Another thing is the story of bricks.

All relationships have conflict. Every time someone does something that bothers you it's a brick between you. Could be something small like showing up late for a date or hateful words said in an argument.

Most people to avoid conflict let these things go not realizing there is now a brick between you. Every instance adds another brick until now you have a wall and you wonder what happened to the intimacy.

Deal with the bricks each and every one. Don't let them pile up. Learn to deal with conflict effectively. Communicate your hurts and your needs. Stand up for yourself. Speak up. Don't let fear stop you. Tell that person you're upset that they are late. Tell them it's not okay to talk to you that way.

Make this a habit in all your relationships and you will avoid years of misery.
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post #95 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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100000% thats fair to say.

To be clear I am not currently in any R but I would absolutely have this fear if I was in one.
And, unbe... I am telling you that I was a bigger wreck than any of the guys I lambaste here.

I preach with the fire of the converted.

MEM and others brought me to heel.

It's now second nature.

It can be for you. But, you HAVE to want it.

Do you want me to tell you how that night (following the motorcycle ride) went?

How about the next night? Who do you think asked for it?
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post #96 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Honestly fear that If I voiced my opinion in something I didn't agree with then I would lose her...
There it is!

The Weeds of Codependence

Fitness Tests
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post #97 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

C'mon Unbe.... get to that light bulb moment.
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post #98 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:31 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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C'mon Unbe.... get to that light bulb moment.


I don't think he knows what the light bulb moment looks like.




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post #99 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I don't think he knows what the light bulb moment looks like.




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He keeps jumping ship into the dating pool and switching subforums.

Running doesn't help.

Working through this is the only way out.

There are no shortcuts. None. Mavi knows.
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post #100 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Honestly fear that If I voiced my opinion in something I didn't agree with then I would lose her...
I'm going to quote someone else here - tell me how you read it:

Indeed many many problems are really only one problem. (UNBE- this is the key)

The "spark", the only way to have a spark is friction.

The friction between a man and woman, this is the spark of sexual attraction.

Any man or woman who never fight, never tangle, never conflict, there is nothing to ignite a spark.

But what can we say about "make up sex"? Where is this roaring fire from, than a spark of conflict leading to it?

And indeed, to begin passing fitness tests, this is not a months or weeks or even days process, it is right here, right now, the opportunity to turn around the resentment filled sexless relationship is immediate!

And exactly right, to not be afraid to "lose" your woman, when the good man realizes this in his actions, behavior, and most important, his attitude, what this potential can lead to emotionally and sexually between him and his woman, I cannot type out on this family forum!

Conflict and confrontation, to the good man, become a master of these.

Then fitness tests, they are not longer any dreaded stumbling blocks, they then are the opportunities and gateways to unleashing passion and sexual experiences between the good man and woman unbelievable, sensual erotic dark and explosive!

******************

Unbe... do you want the above?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Go for it.

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post #101 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

In short, Unbe, the things you shirk from are the very things that ignite sexual tension.

You want to learn how to handle these situations?

Stick around.


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post #102 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-26-2016, 09:19 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by Ceegee View Post
I don't think he knows what the light bulb moment looks like.




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Aint that the truth....

I can tell you I am working towards something, I can feel it. I also have an idea that once I reach it, I will know.

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #103 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-26-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
I'm going to quote someone else here - tell me how you read it:

Indeed many many problems are really only one problem. (UNBE- this is the key)

The "spark", the only way to have a spark is friction.

The friction between a man and woman, this is the spark of sexual attraction.

Any man or woman who never fight, never tangle, never conflict, there is nothing to ignite a spark.

But what can we say about "make up sex"? Where is this roaring fire from, than a spark of conflict leading to it?

And indeed, to begin passing fitness tests, this is not a months or weeks or even days process, it is right here, right now, the opportunity to turn around the resentment filled sexless relationship is immediate!

And exactly right, to not be afraid to "lose" your woman, when the good man realizes this in his actions, behavior, and most important, his attitude, what this potential can lead to emotionally and sexually between him and his woman, I cannot type out on this family forum!

Conflict and confrontation, to the good man, become a master of these.

Then fitness tests, they are not longer any dreaded stumbling blocks, they then are the opportunities and gateways to unleashing passion and sexual experiences between the good man and woman unbelievable, sensual erotic dark and explosive!

******************

Unbe... do you want the above?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Go for it.
This makes perfect logical sense...I apply logic to almost everything I do in life, with the exception of my love life. Ive always let my heart lead. Look where thats got me.....

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #104 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-26-2016, 09:23 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by Ceegee View Post
In short, Unbe, the things you shirk from are the very things that ignite sexual tension.

You want to learn how to handle these situations?

Stick around.


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Im not going anywhere...I not only want to learn, I NEED to learn

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #105 of 188 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

When you connect with the fact that your spouse struggles with emotional issues, you must develop coping strategies. No, you don't explain. You actually "expect" a certain level of nagging. That doesn't mean you engage in it or tolerate it.

Case in point....

In the last week, my wife announced she was moving to the guest bedroom. I quickly countered that would result in divorce.

When we peeled back the onion, she's bothered by my laundry (that she won't do) and a general "laissez faire" attitude about our living space that she doesn't like.

Ok... we get to the bottom of that. I clean up my "side" of the room (easily cleaner than hers) and use a new hamper, etc.

Tonight, she starts in about something at work... the number of hours, etc. I don't agree with her whatsoever. Her perfectionist tendencies render her unable to delegate and she resents my cool with regards to all the things "she thinks need to be done"

I gently mention (via text) all the things I saw today (and everyday) that I'm doing to make the business hum. If I were mopping a floor, I'd be unable to manage the flashpoints associated with superior customer service.

I also gently mention she doesn't wish to discuss "these" things. What she wishes to discuss are her grievances.

Standing your ground is a life effort
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