The Toolkit of the Confident Man - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 09:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

The key point here is that someone who has sufficient self love CAN stand their ground because they KNOW their efforts are worthwhile and vitally important.

I don't require her approval.

And, tonight... I really don't care about it.

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post #107 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 09:38 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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The key point here is that someone who has sufficient self love CAN stand their ground because they KNOW their efforts are worthwhile and vitally important.



I don't require her approval.



And, tonight... I really don't care about it.


Tenderly.

I understand your stance.

Situation to situation it is correct and healthy.

Long term I don't see what's in it for you.

I know. You love her. Possibly more than any of the rest of us saps who have been down the same path.

Maybe (a real maybe) even more than I loved the broken woman I gave my life to.

Whether it's sustainable is irrelevant.

Does it bring you joy?

Does the joy outweigh the frustration?

Not insinuating. Genuinely curious.





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post #108 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 10:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Brother Mule,

It's the most intensely interesting thing I've ever encountered. Let me give you a bit more of the 50,000 foot view.

I'm a kraut. My passion is battlefield strategy. Many will understand my motives from from that admission. I look for every opportunity to employ strategy to solve problems, motivate others, and "win" - however I define it.

I was horrified to discover that the woman who was going to "save me" (codependence in full bloom) was actually determined to get me into a power struggle.

Then, some close friends (here) gave me the information necessary to crack the code. I've had a marriage where my partner didn't pull her weight and had no idea what I was about. But, she doted on me like I was God Himself. I certainly wasn't. And, in retrospect, that was likely the "easy way" out for her.

This interests me. At times it's tiresome. But, if you remind yourself that the "parts" of her that rebel are very young and have never had anyone truly care for them, it makes it better.

You take the great and manage the bad.

And, you come out ok.
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post #109 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 10:59 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Tenderly.

I understand your stance.

Situation to situation it is correct and healthy.

Long term I don't see what's in it for you.

I know. You love her. Possibly more than any of the rest of us saps who have been down the same path.

Maybe (a real maybe) even more than I loved the broken woman I gave my life to.

Whether it's sustainable is irrelevant.

Does it bring you joy?

Does the joy outweigh the frustration?

Not insinuating. Genuinely curious.





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I have often wondered the same about it.

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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #110 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 11:02 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Brother Mule,

It's the most intensely interesting thing I've ever encountered. Let me give you a bit more of the 50,000 foot view.

I'm a kraut. My passion is battlefield strategy. Many will understand my motives from from that admission. I look for every opportunity to employ strategy to solve problems, motivate others, and "win" - however I define it.

I was horrified to discover that the woman who was going to "save me" (codependence in full bloom) was actually determined to get me into a power struggle.

Then, some close friends (here) gave me the information necessary to crack the code. I've had a marriage where my partner didn't pull her weight and had no idea what I was about. But, she doted on me like I was God Himself. I certainly wasn't. And, in retrospect, that was likely the "easy way" out for her.

This interests me. At times it's tiresome. But, if you remind yourself that the "parts" of her that rebel are very young and have never had anyone truly care for them, it makes it better.

You take the great and manage the bad.

And, you come out ok.
"Ok" is darn near 90 degrees from true north.

The mystery of attraction?



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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #111 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 11:23 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I have often wondered the same about it.

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I get RZ"s attraction.

It's commendable and, if I had the opportunity, I would be doing many of the same things.

It's just hard to reconcile on "the other side".

It's hard to be on this side (with someone who is, well let's just say, not like this) and be completely ok with what he has to go through

It's hard but he's keeping it together. Doing these things out of love and not selfishness.

Just want to keep checking the thermostat.




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post #112 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 12:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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"Ok" is darn near 90 degrees from true north.

The mystery of attraction?



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True north?

I have a role in supervising 20+ women at the salon.

LOL

Yeah, there's one that's not this way.
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post #113 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 12:32 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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True north?

I have a role in supervising 20+ women at the salon.

LOL

Yeah, there's one that's not this way.
No envy from me.

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"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #114 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 06:11 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I have a role in supervising 20+ women at the salon.

LOL

Yeah, there's one that's not this way.
Whoa! So tell us a little bit about that one.

You sounded a bit exasperated and a little discouraged. Dropping the D word again after such a long time and what you thought was progress on her part is tough.

As long is you haven't fallen back into those old patterns and as long as you are ok with the fact that she will seemingly always be this way...I guess it's good. Until you do, you aren't and it's not.

I trust you won't fall into the old patterns.

Will she always be this way? Are you ok with that? How about 10 or even 20 years from now when you don't have the same level of energy, or desire, or God forbid your health?

The Krauts lost both wars btw.

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post #115 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 07:33 AM
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Kabayashi Maru. Go get'em Captain RTZ.

The whole friction=attraction is true, I'm sure, for some. And is likely rooted in FOO.

But for me, friction repulses. I've done it. It's not worth it.

What excites me is that feeling of togetherness. Being of one mind. Sharing experiences. Having each other's backs.

The emphasis on this 'friction=spark' idea is that you'll have hot, unbelievable sex?

To some of us (not bragging) who can get that any where, any time.....who cares? It's just sex.

Is the endgame just hot sex and "winning"?

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post #116 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 08:15 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

I think if you can enjoy the game, the sex is hot, she amuses you and there's a lot of love, one can do a lot worse.
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post #117 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I think if you can enjoy the game, the sex is hot, she amuses you and there's a lot of love, one can do a lot worse.
I'm 54. We own a small business together.

Germans figure out where their troops need to be on the field to maximize impact.

And, to Mule Brother TS - it's not "only" that it's hot. It's that my junk works with her like it doesn't work anywhere else - without help.

Women may roll their eyes at such a statement - but imagine if you knew you were "that" woman.
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post #118 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 09:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Whoa! So tell us a little bit about that one.

You sounded a bit exasperated and a little discouraged. Dropping the D word again after such a long time and what you thought was progress on her part is tough.

As long is you haven't fallen back into those old patterns and as long as you are ok with the fact that she will seemingly always be this way...I guess it's good. Until you do, you aren't and it's not.

I trust you won't fall into the old patterns.

Will she always be this way? Are you ok with that? How about 10 or even 20 years from now when you don't have the same level of energy, or desire, or God forbid your health?

The Krauts lost both wars btw.
I'll be blunt.

The term "re-parenting" gets kicked around plenty when we speak of people with emotional FOO issues.

As Mavi once said, "We have to tell kids something 50k times before they even begin to think we're serious"

And, we are working with young emotional parts here. It's folly to think that it just "snaps perfect" one day. What likely happens is gradual improvement until we're too old to care.

I'm ok with that.

As for someone having your back? No one's ever had mine, except my parents. When I got involved with this one, I figured she would. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yet, in unexpected areas, she often does. In short, it's one of those expectations I dropped.
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post #119 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 09:52 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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As for someone having your back? No one's ever had mine, except my parents. When I got involved with this one, I figured she would. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yet, in unexpected areas, she often does. In short, it's one of those expectations I dropped.
I don't know if I could drop that one, brother.

I can't function with my guard up 24/7/365.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #120 of 196 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I don't know if I could drop that one, brother.

I can't function with my guard up 24/7/365.
That's not how it is. You just realize that the clouds come in cycles.
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