The Toolkit of the Confident Man - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 10:01 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Sneaks to back of the room.... little hungover, bit stoned.


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #122 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 10:06 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Lol

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post #123 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 10:57 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Names Spicoli...... is RTZ Mr. Hand?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #124 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 11:27 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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post #125 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 08:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I don't know if I could drop that one, brother.

I can't function with my guard up 24/7/365.
Let me be a bit more specific.

When she's around her kids, all bets are off. She sees her kids as an extension of her. I used to resent how she catered to them and kissed their asses- expecting nothing from them.

But, really... that's their problem, not mine.

It's not about me in the slightest. So, you crack that particular code and you come to "enjoy" the alone time when her kids are in the picture.

Hey - no one expects any money or help from me? No college tuition. No insurance payments. No gas money. Nothing.

Could be much much worse.

When she throws a party for one of them, they all leave without doing a single dish. Once a week passes by, I'll slip my daughter 15 bucks and she'll clean up the place.

Also, being able to see through all this (after years of beating your head against the wall) is quite liberating.

Do I really need to waste my time learning about the blind spots of someone else?
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post #126 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 08:59 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Let me be a bit more specific.

When she's around her kids, all bets are off. She sees her kids as an extension of her. I used to resent how she catered to them and kissed their asses- expecting nothing from them.

But, really... that's their problem, not mine.

It's not about me in the slightest. So, you crack that particular code and you come to "enjoy" the alone time when her kids are in the picture.

Hey - no one expects any money or help from me? No college tuition. No insurance payments. No gas money. Nothing.

Could be much much worse.

When she throws a party for one of them, they all leave without doing a single dish. Once a week passes by, I'll slip my daughter 15 bucks and she'll clean up the place.

Also, being able to see through all this (after years of beating your head against the wall) is quite liberating.

Do I really need to waste my time learning about the blind spots of someone else?
Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I get it. I really do. It is clear you have accepted this from her, and that is healthy.

I have not dispensed with expectations from my partner quite like you have. Based on who she says she is (and actually is 80% of the time), I won't look the other way when she decides to not have the courage of her convictions.

I will calmly point out to her that her actions do not match her values. Sometimes that pisses her off. Now that is certainly not my circus, but I do feel not only an obligation to remind her to be who she says, but I also feel an obligation to look out for her blind spots, because most of the time it is not intentional on her part. I also appreciate it when she is looking our for my blind spots, and it occasionally pisses me off too. But that is stubborn pride speaking.

In your case, it sounds like you have been down that road and decided against it due to her resistance. I suppose that is okay, as long as the impact on your life is minimal.

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post #127 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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You could caption this:

"Let me attempt one more time to explain why teaching your children that their time is more important than anyone else's is a bad thing - not just for them, but for everyone around them - forever"
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post #128 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 03:53 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Let me be a bit more specific.

When she's around her kids, all bets are off. She sees her kids as an extension of her. I used to resent how she catered to them and kissed their asses- expecting nothing from them.

But, really... that's their problem, not mine.

It's not about me in the slightest. So, you crack that particular code and you come to "enjoy" the alone time when her kids are in the picture.

Hey - no one expects any money or help from me? No college tuition. No insurance payments. No gas money. Nothing.

Could be much much worse.

When she throws a party for one of them, they all leave without doing a single dish. Once a week passes by, I'll slip my daughter 15 bucks and she'll clean up the place.

Also, being able to see through all this (after years of beating your head against the wall) is quite liberating.

Do I really need to waste my time learning about the blind spots of someone else?
Same situation with WC. After she kicked him (son) out in 2011..... he was rarely around the year prior

being he laid up with his drugs and thugs friends..... his "friends" ditched him. He lost his job and

could not afford to give THEM HIS money or chauffer their arses.

WC was already crying over.... does he have a coat (it was cold), is he hungry... things ALL moms worry about.

I never said one thing about it.... I knew it was hard to kick him out. If she hadn't, I was going to.

I also knew he would eventually "poor mouth" her. That took about.... 3-4 months. He would stop by

about once a week (I would leave the room...WC did have a right to see him) and I knew she was giving him $.

That led to twice a week and WC starting the "he has no place to go" routine. WC knew fast, he was not coming

back home UNLESS every stolen item was recovered or I was told who stole it and file a police report.

The kid stood up for them even after they started throwing him under the bus. All I asked for was a sit-down with him.

At first, WC was in full agreement. That waned as time passed and he got in her head.

It virtually came down to "me or him," and I knew what her choice would be. I didn't want her to

make that choice but I knew she would. This wasn't the only catalyst in DDay but it was a major one.

I do not regret holding firm the least bit. I'd do it again if I had a do-over. If I can't feel safe in my own

home, there's a fvcking problem.

Today.... almost four years later, he can't hold a job, sells hot guns, stolen items, pills, you name it.

The one brother she had I thought the world of, keeps me posted on him. Do I still worry about him.....

a bit... he was my son for 15 years. But TBH... I want to see him crash and burn like I told WC he would.

Near DDay, we had a huge fight over money, WC was paying his car payment. But the money she used were

bill money. I came with it once, next month I said no. "It's my business if I want to pay his car payment."

"No.... if I have to cover your bills you let go to pay his car payment, I am in essence... paying his car payment."

She acted like she was confused.... truth told she was mad as hell being called out.

DDay was a month after that lovely chat.

Had I caved and let him move back in... his respect for me would have been zero.... as would WCs.

It's like how some women cry an ocean if you're honest with them about the fact, they are fat.

If... the guy refuses to tell her and says she looks pretty.... eventually she will realize she is fat

and blame him for not being "connected" enough to tell her.

Yeah Chuck... yous crayzay. Wanna bet?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #129 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-23-2016, 04:08 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
You could caption this:

"Let me attempt one more time to explain why teaching your children that their time is more important than anyone else's is a bad thing - not just for them, but for everyone around them - forever"
When I was under the age of five.... anytime my parents wanted to get their freak on......

outside, back yard, crayons, box, cup of kool aid. Yard was fenced in, but I knew how to get out.

LOL that story is for another day. An hour later..... they'd have me come in. An hour.... un-100% supervised.

Wasn't a big deal back then. Schit.... try that now.... you'd have CPS at your door in 15 minutes.

I call that the "inmates running the asylum."

But....but we have to keep children occupied. With what... oh a phone or a video game. WTF ever happened to

a kid just using.... their imagination.

I'm in the George Carlin camp when it comes to catering to kids.

Everyone wins, no one loses.... teaches them NOTHING about the real world.

Helicopter parents.... a child who does not grow as a child will be stunted in their growth into adulthood.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #130 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 09:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

BTW - I hear the skepticism on this from some and I accept it.

Tonight, I get back from a 12-13 hour driving day to a locked and empty house.

I had placed a phone call to catch up around 3:30 or so.

No return call.

Someone should be here @10pm. Not ok with no notice of any empty house.

Of course, I let her know.

Remember, the only time to engage is on her treatment of ME.

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post #131 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 10:09 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Meet at the steak house (burp) strip club on 18th and Broad at 1130

Drinks are on CG LOL

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #132 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 11:52 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
BTW - I hear the skepticism on this from some and I accept it.

Tonight, I get back from a 12-13 hour driving day to a locked and empty house.

I had placed a phone call to catch up around 3:30 or so.

No return call.

Someone should be here @10pm. Not ok with no notice of any empty house.

Of course, I let her know.

Remember, the only time to engage is on her treatment of ME.
Brother, I don't get it.

Yes, there is skepticism on my end. Some of the time it really appears that you are trying to claim all is well, as you hold the tiger by the tail.

I know you are big on outcome independence and how that allows one to avoid controlling...but what is the consequence? Is there one?

How much will you tolerate?

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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #133 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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Brother, I don't get it.

Yes, there is skepticism on my end. Some of the time it really appears that you are trying to claim all is well, as you hold the tiger by the tail.

I know you are big on outcome independence and how that allows one to avoid controlling...but what is the consequence? Is there one?

How much will you tolerate?

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I had forgotten about a gathering (for her) to get stuff together for her brother's memorial service today. Suffice it to say, from 6am on, I'd been loading the car for a 4 hour drive to set up the booth - drop off the booth staff - and drive back. Got back about 9:15pm - had to crawl through the window. Very tired.

So, her absence wasn't something I "didn't" know about at one time. Yet, the unreturned calls from 3:30pm annoy a bit - especially when she said we'd catch up later.

She said she sometimes doesn't see missed calls on her phone.

No matter. I do realize she has outcome independence also - until she sees the consequences for herself

This AM, I was treated to her interjecting a jab at me during a rather deep discussion about people being unable to keep their mouths shut about someone after they're dead.

In short, she broke into a conversation about what an ass her sister-in-law was being at this gathering with a "You do that too"

The overall "reasoning" for this morning's jab was he contention that "You've been supportive of me during this time, BUT it was nice to be with people that didn't run shade against him or think poorly of him"

I could hear Mav's words ringing in my ear. "Some way, somehow, she'll try to get you to take her crap"

Me again:

I do feel that we can share those sorts of thoughts about someone else with our spouse. In short, neither her deceased mother or her recently deceased brother had one good word to say about me - ever. But, suddenly, she thinks it's justified to rip me for not being "as supportive" as her family group that her brother treated well.

And I firmly said, "I don't say things like that to you and I'm not ok with spouses running each other down"

So, I set out for a fine breakfast at Chick-Fil-A and a trip to the cleaners.

Yes, these are things her parents should have taught her.

They didn't.
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post #134 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 10:11 AM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I had forgotten about a gathering (for her) to get stuff together for her brother's memorial service today. Suffice it to say, from 6am on, I'd been loading the car for a 4 hour drive to set up the booth - drop off the booth staff - and drive back. Got back about 9:15pm - had to crawl through the window. Very tired.



So, her absence wasn't something I "didn't" know about at one time. Yet, the unreturned calls from 3:30pm annoy a bit - especially when she said we'd catch up later.



She said she sometimes doesn't see missed calls on her phone.



No matter. I do realize she has outcome independence also - until she sees the consequences for herself



This AM, I was treated to her interjecting a jab at me during a rather deep discussion about people being unable to keep their mouths shut about someone after they're dead.



In short, she broke into a conversation about what an ass her sister-in-law was being at this gathering with a "You do that too"



The overall "reasoning" for this morning's jab was he contention that "You've been supportive of me during this time, BUT it was nice to be with people that didn't run shade against him or think poorly of him"



I could hear Mav's words ringing in my ear. "Some way, somehow, she'll try to get you to take her crap"



Me again:



I do feel that we can share those sorts of thoughts about someone else with our spouse. In short, neither her deceased mother or her recently deceased brother had one good word to say about me - ever. But, suddenly, she thinks it's justified to rip me for not being "as supportive" as her family group that her brother treated well.



And I firmly said, "I don't say things like that to you and I'm not ok with spouses running each other down"



So, I set out for a fine breakfast at Chick-Fil-A and a trip to the cleaners.



Yes, these are things her parents should have taught her.



They didn't.


I like Chick-Fil-A


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post #135 of 188 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

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I like Chick-Fil-A


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LOL!
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