The Toolkit of the Confident Man - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 136Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 655
The Toolkit of the Confident Man

You guys have likely figured out I'm married to a disordered spouse. People have asked me if I can ever have the "relationship I want" married to this person.

The answer is simple. We go into any endeavor with our vision of "how it will be". Then, we find out "how it is". We find out what our partner is capable of doing. Then we can make an informed decision.

Last night was a perfect example. My son was over to play darts (a weekly thing). I was out tossing the ball with my pit bull/lab hybrid. 57 pounds of pure muscle and (oftentimes) my only friend at home.

Our next door neighbor came over with his dogs. They spent the night running in the yard - having a blast. We cranked some tunes on my outdoor speakers. It lasted hours. The dog hasn't even made a sound this morning. A wonderful "guy's night". His wife was at the movies. My wife was running errands, but came home in the middle of it.

Instead of asking me to turn down the music, she started playing with the remote (pausing, turning it off). I eventually asked her for it. I also asked HER to set the volume so it wouldn't disturb her. She was intent on escalating the conflict. So she slept in the guest bedroom and left me a ridiculous note about how I don't care about her and she didn't feel we needed to sleep in the same bed.

Suffice it to say, I issued one (and only one) apology for not being sensitive to the difficulty she was having. I listened. When she started dumping her anger, I started walking away. She followed me to clarify. We eventually ended up having dynamite sex.

If you love them anyway, this is what you do. Do not be afraid of your wife's emotions. Friction is the root of attraction. She feels safe when you stand up to her.

Did I think it would be like this? LOL But, I've got the playbook. So, we adjust expectations and realize it ain't all bad

ReturntoZero is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:09 PM
Member
 
NotEasy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 542
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Is there a question you want us to answer or discuss here?

Anyway...

Couples form interesting dynamics. Sometimes one or both of them realise some or all of the dynamic. Sometimes people look from the outside and don't understand how or why they stay together. You seem to have a little of both.

I guess your wife might not see the dynamic the same way you do. It might help her if you described the dynamic to her and described what pisses you off and what how you would prefer it to be.

Or maybe she understands exactly what she is doing and likes stirring things up for the inevitable dynamic sex.

"Life wasn't meant to be easy;
but take heart, parts of it can be delightful."
Malcolm Fraser
NotEasy is offline  
post #3 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 655
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by NotEasy View Post
Is there a question you want us to answer or discuss here?

Anyway...

Couples form interesting dynamics. Sometimes one or both of them realise some or all of the dynamic. Sometimes people look from the outside and don't understand how or why they stay together. You seem to have a little of both.

I guess your wife might not see the dynamic the same way you do. It might help her if you described the dynamic to her and described what pisses you off and what how you would prefer it to be.

Or maybe she understands exactly what she is doing and likes stirring things up for the inevitable dynamic sex.
You really don't understand why I wrote that.

Ok.
ReturntoZero is offline  
 
post #4 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,953
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
You really don't understand why I wrote that.

Ok.
Neither do I, you posted in the Going Thru Divorce and Separation sub-forum for one. Then about the only thing I saw about confidence was that you issued one (and only one) apology, walked away when she got angry and then had sex. Sounds more like you know how to play your wife's game than anything else. So please go on...

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #5 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:58 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 655
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
Neither do I, you posted in the Going Thru Divorce and Separation sub-forum for one. Then about the only thing I saw about confidence was that you issued one (and only one) apology, walked away when she got angry and then had sex. Sounds more like you know how to play your wife's game than anything else. So please go on...
This is where people listen.

Most everywhere else, they're simply looking for sympathy. Everyone benefits from realizing where they're expectations may need to be set to get through it - and how not be end up a doormat for life.
ReturntoZero is offline  
post #6 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 07:20 PM
Member
 
ScrambledEggs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 822
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

I have no idea where you are going with this either.

Forum sub boards exist for a reason and the topics you are touching have been well tread in the other section in great detail--this topic gets good traction in the men's women's, reconciliation boards.

I am sure you have something to contribute along this vein tis just not really very clear what you are getting at.

SE

Learning Stuff on TAM I should have picked up in High School
ScrambledEggs is offline  
post #7 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 07:27 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Thundarr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Carolinas
Posts: 4,979
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
We eventually ended up having dynamite sex.

If you love them anyway, this is what you do. Do not be afraid of your wife's emotions. Friction is the root of attraction. She feels safe when you stand up to her.

Did I think it would be like this? LOL But, I've got the playbook. So, we adjust expectations and realize it ain't all bad
You've just illustrated codependency wrapped around hysterical bonding (makeup sex) perfectly. No it's not all bad. It's either REALLY BAD or REALLY GOOD. That's why it's a hard cycle to get out of.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
Thundarr is offline  
post #8 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 07:49 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 655
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thundarr View Post
You've just illustrated codependency wrapped around hysterical bonding (makeup sex) perfectly. No it's not all bad. It's either REALLY BAD or REALLY GOOD. That's why it's a hard cycle to get out of.
The reason I'm talking about this is we have no real control over who we fall in love with. I mean, my wife simply does it for me. She's 48 now and I'm 53. We've been at this for nearly 10 years.

We have a choice. Take her bait, start to explain yourself, and take the escalation elevator to the top floor where screaming happens and you end up apologizing for what she did.

OR

Stand your ground and refuse to engage. Eventually, when she feels safe, she'll soften and tell you what's really going on. You get a chance to comfort her and she comforts you at the same time.

If you keep your wife on a pedestal and refuse to acknowledge what she so clearly is, you're fearful of destabiliizing the relationship - which is the only path you have to respect.
ReturntoZero is offline  
post #9 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 08:06 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 551
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Speaking of respect, does your wife know that you call her "disordered" on internet forums? I'm guessing not!! Lol
Posted via Mobile Device
Ms. GP is offline  
post #10 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 07:54 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,953
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
The reason I'm talking about this is we have no real control over who we fall in love with. I mean, my wife simply does it for me. She's 48 now and I'm 53. We've been at this for nearly 10 years.

We have a choice. Take her bait, start to explain yourself, and take the escalation elevator to the top floor where screaming happens and you end up apologizing for what she did.

OR

Stand your ground and refuse to engage. Eventually, when she feels safe, she'll soften and tell you what's really going on. You get a chance to comfort her and she comforts you at the same time.

If you keep your wife on a pedestal and refuse to acknowledge what she so clearly is, you're fearful of destabiliizing the relationship - which is the only path you have to respect.
Actually, we do have a choice over who we fall in love with. We always have a choice in any situation. I would recommend that you read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" if you want to truly understand this idea.
In regards to your situation, yes it appears that you have figured out how to make your situation work for you. A person with confidence will do that. If you are happy playing that game, good for you.
But I still don't understand why you posted in the GTDoS subforum. Are you going thru a divorce or separation? What value would your post have to someone who is or did go thru it? Generally speaking people on this subforum haven't been able to make their situation work for them, so change is either being forced on them or they are forced to make a change themselves.


At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #11 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 655
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
Actually, we do have a choice over who we fall in love with. We always have a choice in any situation. I would recommend that you read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" if you want to truly understand this idea.
In regards to your situation, yes it appears that you have figured out how to make your situation work for you. A person with confidence will do that. If you are happy playing that game, good for you.
But I still don't understand why you posted in the GTDoS subforum. Are you going thru a divorce or separation? What value would your post have to someone who is or did go thru it? Generally speaking people on this subforum haven't been able to make their situation work for them, so change is either being forced on them or they are forced to make a change themselves.
Those that are interested in making their situation work understand why I posted.

And, this is a forum where a large majority of posters get second chances and have decisions to make.

If one views their second chance as "vindication" from the blow-up, it rarely works.

Thanks for asking.
ReturntoZero is offline  
post #12 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 11:01 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 803
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
If you love them anyway, this is what you do. Do not be afraid of your wife's emotions. Friction is the root of attraction. She feels safe when you stand up to her.
lol, I think this guy is trying to suggest that he's some kind of alpha dog who can handle an irrational woman.

I think a more sane approach would be simply to treat adults with adult behavior and have a conversation. Unless you're married to an idiot who needs to be dealt with like an unruly animal.

My husband treats me like a partner and respects me and I do exactly the same for him. I talk to him with the deference he deserves and put his needs before my own because he's important to me.

He doesn't need to "manage" me and doesn't need to dominate me so that I think he's important and want to have sex with him.

Weak people have weak relationships based on manipulation and control rather than mutual admiration and respect. Sad.
EnigmaGirl is offline  
post #13 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 11:23 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 551
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Here's the rub, in my opinion. I think the whole personality disorder thing is thrown around a little loose on the TAM boards. If there is a professional diagnosis in place, I'm on board if not, it's just a subjective opinion. (To me anyways)

If I were to assign negative intentions to the OP, I would say it sounds like,"hey guys, I got my crazy wife secret decoder ring in the mail, and not only do we not fight, but I get laid more too!!"

If I were to assign positive intentions, I would say it sounds like you are saying establishing healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self has improved my relationship. I'm all in there. Preaching to the choir on that one!! I'm guessing the second one is true.

I would hate to think my spouse just thinks I'm crazy and dismisses my concerns as craziness or a sh"* test. I think all humans, male and female just want to feel heard.
Posted via Mobile Device
Ms. GP is offline  
post #14 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 07:57 PM
Member
 
Red Sonja's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 709
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
We have a choice. Take her bait, start to explain yourself, and take the escalation elevator to the top floor where screaming happens and you end up apologizing for what she did.

OR

Stand your ground and refuse to engage. Eventually, when she feels safe, she'll soften and tell you what's really going on. You get a chance to comfort her and she comforts you at the same time.
This is what I understood from your original post and I agree, that it takes self-confidence/control to not be reactive in these type of situations.

I would also add that this did not work in my case (with the genders reversed). My H could escalate all by himself, so I usually had to leave the house.
Red Sonja is online now  
post #15 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:19 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 655
Re: The Toolkit of the Confident Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. GP View Post
Here's the rub, in my opinion. I think the whole personality disorder thing is thrown around a little loose on the TAM boards. If there is a professional diagnosis in place, I'm on board if not, it's just a subjective opinion. (To me anyways)

If I were to assign negative intentions to the OP, I would say it sounds like,"hey guys, I got my crazy wife secret decoder ring in the mail, and not only do we not fight, but I get laid more too!!"

If I were to assign positive intentions, I would say it sounds like you are saying establishing healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self has improved my relationship. I'm all in there. Preaching to the choir on that one!! I'm guessing the second one is true.

I would hate to think my spouse just thinks I'm crazy and dismisses my concerns as craziness or a sh"* test. I think all humans, male and female just want to feel heard.
Posted via Mobile Device
My wife is a physical sex abuse victim up to age 3.

I'm not throwing anything around.
ReturntoZero is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
does a deadbeat ex husband scares a man from being interested in me ? tripad General Relationship Discussion 54 01-07-2016 07:18 AM
If a man lies about money..... wishiwereaman The Men's Clubhouse 40 12-29-2015 12:14 PM
I need closure; My husband doesn't: Is this a Man thing? NextTimeAround The Men's Clubhouse 17 12-21-2015 07:10 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome