You guys have likely figured out I'm married to a disordered spouse. People have asked me if I can ever have the "relationship I want" married to this person.
The answer is simple. We go into any endeavor with our vision of "how it will be". Then, we find out "how it is". We find out what our partner is capable of doing. Then we can make an informed decision.
Last night was a perfect example. My son was over to play darts (a weekly thing). I was out tossing the ball with my pit bull/lab hybrid. 57 pounds of pure muscle and (oftentimes) my only friend at home.
Our next door neighbor came over with his dogs. They spent the night running in the yard - having a blast. We cranked some tunes on my outdoor speakers. It lasted hours. The dog hasn't even made a sound this morning. A wonderful "guy's night". His wife was at the movies. My wife was running errands, but came home in the middle of it.
Instead of asking me to turn down the music, she started playing with the remote (pausing, turning it off). I eventually asked her for it. I also asked HER to set the volume so it wouldn't disturb her. She was intent on escalating the conflict. So she slept in the guest bedroom and left me a ridiculous note about how I don't care about her and she didn't feel we needed to sleep in the same bed.
Suffice it to say, I issued one (and only one) apology for not being sensitive to the difficulty she was having. I listened. When she started dumping her anger, I started walking away. She followed me to clarify. We eventually ended up having dynamite sex.
If you love them anyway, this is what you do. Do not be afraid of your wife's emotions. Friction is the root of attraction. She feels safe when you stand up to her.
Did I think it would be like this? LOL But, I've got the playbook. So, we adjust expectations and realize it ain't all bad