Stepping into a new stage in the process.
I came to this forum in January. I had been married 15.5 years, D7 and D12. I was immensely unhappy in my marriage. Made many attempts to ask for change, didn't get heard.
I told him I wanted a divorce in February. It was a devastating blow to him. At his request, I went to 1 session of MC, but when the counselor didn't invite us back to another session, I really took that as a sign that maybe I was doing the right thing.
He started IC and soon afterwards I started seeing the IC as well. It was a bit like living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. One moment, he was kind and open and recognized the way we both screwed things up, the next he was cruel and hurt and lashing out at me. He asked me to stay, he asked me to work on things. I was just so exhausted.
He drank excessively. Passed out on the couch frequently. Involved our children behind my back with things that children don't need to be exposed to. Having a rational discussion with this man was near impossible.
We worked through our initial separation agreement and I moved out, bought my own house, went to the closest edge of debt I felt I could get and made a good home for my children when they are here.
I worked on me, gaining peace and tranquility and balance. I continued to work with the counselor. As did he.
He bought a motorcycle. He took the girls for a ride on it without helmets. To this day, he continues to carry them as passengers (while they are dressed in flipflops and shorts) even though his permit restricts it and yet claims to be 100% interested in keeping them safe.
Over the course of the last 6 mos, I received hundreds of emails from him. He told me one day how disappointed my deceased father would have been in my decision not to honor my vows. I filed for divorce 12 hours later. My father loved me immensely. And he was divorced twice himself. He would never have wanted his daughter to be so unhappy.
And I have never been happier in years as I have been in my new space, away from the constant negativity and the constant barage of his verbal attacks have made it difficult for me to keep an open mind that in time we could one day reconcile, but I always did.
The IC couched me, told me when his behavior was just a trigger from his past and how to deal with him. I didn't always heed his advice. I got pulled into the email arguments myself quite often.
Despite all the pain and hurt and anger we both have felt over the last six months, I truly believed that with counseling and some time apart to become whole people again, there was a chance in the future we might find each other again.
Then last week he rebuffed my request to meet for coffee. He took down his 'todo' to take me for a motorcylce ride and he resumed his rants of attacking me in ways that left me wondering if he didn't have a split personality.
Our 16th wedding anniversary came and went, we both kept busy, him apparently more busy than I.
Two days ago, the IC suggested I move on. That was what I wanted to hear, but also it so wasn't what I wanted to.
Tonight, I learned he has met someone. She's there with him in fact right now.
According to him, I am, the STBXW who left a dagger in his back and ruined our children's lives. Something he had no qualms about posting in a public forum for our own daughter to read.
According to him, I am filled with anger that's misdirected on him and I am 100% responsible for the every problem we've had and until I chase him down and placate myself to him, we will never reconcile.
I am sad. I am sad that the idea that he's laying with another woman right now only brings me relief and I feel so little jealousy. I am sad that the idea that he's found someone else only makes me breathe a sigh of relief that he will stop attacking me daily with emails. I am sad that my children will never know a whole family again.
I know that I am independent of his opinion. I know that I am a good mother and our daughters will now know what its like to live in a peaceful home. I know I am beautiful and even moreso since I have lost over 80lbs in the last year. I know I am a happier person because people compliment me all the time how much more I smile, how more upbeat I seem to be.
I know I have oppurtunities to befriend people who have a very stable personality and a positive outlook on life.
I know I am as better off without him today as I was the day I decided to leave.
So why am I sad?
Why can I not sleep?
This forum is mostly filled with people who have been left. And from reading your posts, it helped me let go of a lot of anger and recognize the pain and hurt in him and try to work all the more harder at leaving the option open to reconcilation.
There isn't a single person, even my DH who recommends I bother keeping that door open at this point.
So its really over.
That's why I'm sad.