Stepping into a new stage in the process.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » Stepping into a new stage in the process.

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 09-08-2011, 12:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Post Stepping into a new stage in the process.

I came to this forum in January. I had been married 15.5 years, D7 and D12. I was immensely unhappy in my marriage. Made many attempts to ask for change, didn't get heard.

I told him I wanted a divorce in February. It was a devastating blow to him. At his request, I went to 1 session of MC, but when the counselor didn't invite us back to another session, I really took that as a sign that maybe I was doing the right thing.

He started IC and soon afterwards I started seeing the IC as well. It was a bit like living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. One moment, he was kind and open and recognized the way we both screwed things up, the next he was cruel and hurt and lashing out at me. He asked me to stay, he asked me to work on things. I was just so exhausted.

He drank excessively. Passed out on the couch frequently. Involved our children behind my back with things that children don't need to be exposed to. Having a rational discussion with this man was near impossible.

We worked through our initial separation agreement and I moved out, bought my own house, went to the closest edge of debt I felt I could get and made a good home for my children when they are here.

I worked on me, gaining peace and tranquility and balance. I continued to work with the counselor. As did he.

He bought a motorcycle. He took the girls for a ride on it without helmets. To this day, he continues to carry them as passengers (while they are dressed in flipflops and shorts) even though his permit restricts it and yet claims to be 100% interested in keeping them safe.

Over the course of the last 6 mos, I received hundreds of emails from him. He told me one day how disappointed my deceased father would have been in my decision not to honor my vows. I filed for divorce 12 hours later. My father loved me immensely. And he was divorced twice himself. He would never have wanted his daughter to be so unhappy.

And I have never been happier in years as I have been in my new space, away from the constant negativity and the constant barage of his verbal attacks have made it difficult for me to keep an open mind that in time we could one day reconcile, but I always did.

The IC couched me, told me when his behavior was just a trigger from his past and how to deal with him. I didn't always heed his advice. I got pulled into the email arguments myself quite often.

Despite all the pain and hurt and anger we both have felt over the last six months, I truly believed that with counseling and some time apart to become whole people again, there was a chance in the future we might find each other again.

Then last week he rebuffed my request to meet for coffee. He took down his 'todo' to take me for a motorcylce ride and he resumed his rants of attacking me in ways that left me wondering if he didn't have a split personality.

Our 16th wedding anniversary came and went, we both kept busy, him apparently more busy than I.

Two days ago, the IC suggested I move on. That was what I wanted to hear, but also it so wasn't what I wanted to.

Tonight, I learned he has met someone. She's there with him in fact right now.

According to him, I am, the STBXW who left a dagger in his back and ruined our children's lives. Something he had no qualms about posting in a public forum for our own daughter to read.

According to him, I am filled with anger that's misdirected on him and I am 100% responsible for the every problem we've had and until I chase him down and placate myself to him, we will never reconcile.

I am sad. I am sad that the idea that he's laying with another woman right now only brings me relief and I feel so little jealousy. I am sad that the idea that he's found someone else only makes me breathe a sigh of relief that he will stop attacking me daily with emails. I am sad that my children will never know a whole family again.

I know that I am independent of his opinion. I know that I am a good mother and our daughters will now know what its like to live in a peaceful home. I know I am beautiful and even moreso since I have lost over 80lbs in the last year. I know I am a happier person because people compliment me all the time how much more I smile, how more upbeat I seem to be.

I know I have oppurtunities to befriend people who have a very stable personality and a positive outlook on life.

I know I am as better off without him today as I was the day I decided to leave.

So why am I sad?

Why can I not sleep?

This forum is mostly filled with people who have been left. And from reading your posts, it helped me let go of a lot of anger and recognize the pain and hurt in him and try to work all the more harder at leaving the option open to reconcilation.

There isn't a single person, even my DH who recommends I bother keeping that door open at this point.

So its really over.

That's why I'm sad.
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Old 09-08-2011, 01:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping into a new stage in the process.

It's good to hear it from the other side. I was crushed when my wife told me she was leaving. I think that the regret you feel is the regret we are all waiting for out X's to feel. I'm glad that even the ones who do the break ups still have feelings too. Your story really puts a different aspect on the whole thing. Your a strong person, and you had to leave I guess if you didn't want to try counseling together. Which is OK. Your story really puts a human aspect on the pain all of us are feeling right now. Since we all think our soon to be X's are cold hearted and uinconcerened about our feelings. Thanks for sharing,

BTW it's natural to be sad, and you may beat yourself up over doing the initial breakup, but it is probibally for the better anyways.

The grass is only greener near septic tanks, and that's who your husband is laying with now. Remember that.
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Old 09-08-2011, 02:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping into a new stage in the process.

Thank you for your reply, dhpoolman. Fact is, leaving was by far the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I wasn't physically abused, I wasn't even emotionally abused, and no, until recently I don't think he ever laid with another woman. But through counseling (and issues we both brought to the marriage that I won't go into here) I've come to recognize that I was exhausted, so exhausted that I just needed out. And I kept coming back here and reading the pain and emotions of people who had been left and I really did reach a point where I was ready to re-evaluate my choice. But he was stuck in his pain and still is. Stuck in the past and still is. Not just our past, and attempts to separate but overall in life.

Our IC tells me that the marriage was killing me. That the best choice I ever made in my life was to stop the bad cycle. That's very hard to hear. Because I believed that we had a chance to circle back. Until tonight.

And your last line, that's as priceless as my brother's milk quotation (see my other recent post). You should write gift cards
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Old 09-09-2011, 11:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping into a new stage in the process.

Ended up getting about three hours of sleep.

Next morning, I got 3-4 emails from the STBXH, and here I thought now that he found someone else to have 'fun' with he'd be less interested in constantly drawing me into battle.

The first was even opened with "Darling...."

It took everything I had to reply back "Oh, no, you don't have the right to call me darling anymore."

I didn't reply to a single one fo them. And unless its about the children, I don't intend to. I've tried the 'back and forth' for too long, it goes nowhere.
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Old 09-09-2011, 12:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping into a new stage in the process.

If you have made the break, keep it as best you can on the things you have to talk to him about. You will both go through a roller coaster of emotions "mourning" the end of the marriage and its perfectly normal. Dont rise to the bait, no one will win and inflicting short term emotional pain on the other will only make things worse. Sure it feels good to do it now but really what do you or he gain? It will get better, sleep will come.
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Old 11-12-2012, 01:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping into a new stage in the process.

Our minds are like computers and they store massive amounts of information. Prior to losing 80 pounds, your body had been programmed to live with your larger frame. This caused your body to be in a constant state of distress--in turn you and your body were unhappy--your personal circumstances compounded your unhappiness.

I'm suggesting that your sadness stems from your brain's programming of sadness throughout the years. Now that you've begun the process of reinventing you, pick up a hobby that keeps you active and helps you to release distress in exchange for eustress. You'll likely meet new exciting people that will aid your continual peace so that your brain may be reprogrammed for happy, peace, continuity, ebb and flow, etc. I hope this helps.

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Old 11-12-2012, 02:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping into a new stage in the process.

I am sorry to hear this. Most of us want to have our SO to be in your shoes. Feeling regret, wanting to return to a married life, etc. It is a shame that your stbxh can not see that. He is so stuck in his ways that he will, most likely, never change. I am sorry to hear that. You can no force him to change. If he does not want to change, that is on him. as you said, you are a better person now then you were when you left him. Give defiant people what they want. He wants a divorce, he wants to bad mouth you to your children, he wants to endanger his children, etc. Let him go.

I truly am very sorry for you. I actually had tears reading this, because I WISH that my wife would feel the same as you. You are a better person than he is and you need to find someone that will treat you as you (and your children) deserve.
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Old 11-13-2012, 10:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping into a new stage in the process.

Looks like we're kindred spirits. I just posted about my stbxh having a Jekyll & Hyde personality! I am the leaver as well, and can totally relate to what you've said. My stbxh is the passive-agressive type, so I'm waiting to see what he does. He's not the type to yell or spew venom in emails, but I can see him trying to turn the kids or other people against me, all while trying to look the victim/hero.
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