Trying to move forward - Advice Needed
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Old 09-08-2011, 04:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Trying to move forward - Advice Needed

My STBXH filed for divorce back in May while I was pregnant and now our daughter is almost a month old. Recently I have come to terms that the marriage is over and I am ready to move forward but I am having a difficult time emotionally moving forward. There are still days that I wish he was still in love with me and we still had what we once did; then there are other days where I am thinking why he did not truly try to make things work. I realized the other day during our co-parenting through divorce class we had to attend that I have not emotionally moved forward yet because I do not want him to be happy in any romatic relationship unless it is with me, I'd rather him be miserable I guess. He is hanging out with another woman he says he is friends with (who I know and DO NOT like) and I'm really jealous of it and I know I should not be. So what do I do? I hang out with a single guy for support for which he works with and has gone through divorce secretly hoping he (my ex) will be jealous.

So here is where I'd like some advice. Has anyone here begun to move forward, if so, how? Also, is it wrong of me to try to make him jealous because deep down I'd like him to suffer (but not at the expense of our daughter)?
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trying to move forward - Advice Needed

Give yourself a break, it's only been a few months. You still have months of recovery ahead of you. I think it's natural to feel jealous, you didn't want the divorce and now he's hanging out with another woman, what are you to expect? We didn't ask to be put in this position, so for anyone, including ourselves, to expect us to not have anything but negative feelings, be it anger, jealousy, etc., toward the situation and/or the other person is just ridiculous. As for trying to make him jealous with another person, I don't think it's a great idea. If you want the other person around for support that's one thing, but to use him as a pawn in your divorce is wrong. You run the risk of losing his friendship and/or becoming attached to him emotionally and getting yourself hurt again.
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Old 09-09-2011, 08:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trying to move forward - Advice Needed

I feel for you darling, that must be hard for you especially with a new baby. Without knowing the reason for the separation, I would guess that there was probably someone else already on the scene be it the girl he is currently 'friends' with or not.

My ex had an affair for one year during and after we had our first child, he told me when my son was 6 months old about the affair. I trusted him totally and never in my worst nightmares would have thought or suspected that he would have cheated on me, especially at such a precious time in our lives. But it happened and I am better for it now. I'm not dumbing down that it is a tough slog to reach the other side.

I would suggest you do whatever fulfills your needs at this time, within reason of course. If your ex has moved on though, trying to make him jealous is probably just going to create you more emotional distress and won't make a big impact on his thinking or behaviour. I suppose you need to think of the basics...as I did in a similar situation...what will it achieve?

Sure you probably want to make him suffer or feel at least half of what you are feeling, but it isn't going to achieve anything in the short or long run. If anything it will probably just keep you living with the pain, anger and hurt longer.

Sounds cliched but it is true, you will experience all the typical emotions that go with the death of a loved one. My advice would be, make yourself aware of these changes in your emotional feelings, acknowledge them and don't try to hide them. If you can, share them with your ex (in a constructive way)....but I caveat that with....you need to reach a point where you have expressed all your emotions and then for the sake of your daughter draw the line and move on to an amicable relationship. This may seem all very pie in the sky for you at the moment, so if I were to give you some key takeaway points I would suggest:

1) listen to your emotions and share them with others, you will soon realize that there are many other people that are or have been in a similar position
2) don't do anything now that you will regret in the future.
3) look at the positives, you have a baby girl that needs yours and her fathers love and devotion.
4) think about what your actions will achieve in the long-term

Sorry, I feel like I have written war and peace here, but my last departing comment would be whatever you do, don't use your daughter as a way of getting back at him....the only person that suffers in that situation is the child (talking from experience). You sound sensible enough not to do that.

Anyway, hope that helps....take it or leave it.
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