Trying to move forward - Advice Needed - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-08-2011, 03:23 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 27
Question Trying to move forward - Advice Needed

My STBXH filed for divorce back in May while I was pregnant and now our daughter is almost a month old. Recently I have come to terms that the marriage is over and I am ready to move forward but I am having a difficult time emotionally moving forward. There are still days that I wish he was still in love with me and we still had what we once did; then there are other days where I am thinking why he did not truly try to make things work. I realized the other day during our co-parenting through divorce class we had to attend that I have not emotionally moved forward yet because I do not want him to be happy in any romatic relationship unless it is with me, I'd rather him be miserable I guess. He is hanging out with another woman he says he is friends with (who I know and DO NOT like) and I'm really jealous of it and I know I should not be. So what do I do? I hang out with a single guy for support for which he works with and has gone through divorce secretly hoping he (my ex) will be jealous.

So here is where I'd like some advice. Has anyone here begun to move forward, if so, how? Also, is it wrong of me to try to make him jealous because deep down I'd like him to suffer (but not at the expense of our daughter)?

kristen11 is offline  
Sponsored Links
post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-08-2011, 06:17 PM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 284
Re: Trying to move forward - Advice Needed

Give yourself a break, it's only been a few months. You still have months of recovery ahead of you. I think it's natural to feel jealous, you didn't want the divorce and now he's hanging out with another woman, what are you to expect? We didn't ask to be put in this position, so for anyone, including ourselves, to expect us to not have anything but negative feelings, be it anger, jealousy, etc., toward the situation and/or the other person is just ridiculous. As for trying to make him jealous with another person, I don't think it's a great idea. If you want the other person around for support that's one thing, but to use him as a pawn in your divorce is wrong. You run the risk of losing his friendship and/or becoming attached to him emotionally and getting yourself hurt again.
justabovewater is offline  
post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-09-2011, 07:53 AM
Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Re: Trying to move forward - Advice Needed

I feel for you darling, that must be hard for you especially with a new baby. Without knowing the reason for the separation, I would guess that there was probably someone else already on the scene be it the girl he is currently 'friends' with or not.

My ex had an affair for one year during and after we had our first child, he told me when my son was 6 months old about the affair. I trusted him totally and never in my worst nightmares would have thought or suspected that he would have cheated on me, especially at such a precious time in our lives. But it happened and I am better for it now. I'm not dumbing down that it is a tough slog to reach the other side.

I would suggest you do whatever fulfills your needs at this time, within reason of course. If your ex has moved on though, trying to make him jealous is probably just going to create you more emotional distress and won't make a big impact on his thinking or behaviour. I suppose you need to think of the I did in a similar situation...what will it achieve?

Sure you probably want to make him suffer or feel at least half of what you are feeling, but it isn't going to achieve anything in the short or long run. If anything it will probably just keep you living with the pain, anger and hurt longer.

Sounds cliched but it is true, you will experience all the typical emotions that go with the death of a loved one. My advice would be, make yourself aware of these changes in your emotional feelings, acknowledge them and don't try to hide them. If you can, share them with your ex (in a constructive way)....but I caveat that need to reach a point where you have expressed all your emotions and then for the sake of your daughter draw the line and move on to an amicable relationship. This may seem all very pie in the sky for you at the moment, so if I were to give you some key takeaway points I would suggest:

1) listen to your emotions and share them with others, you will soon realize that there are many other people that are or have been in a similar position
2) don't do anything now that you will regret in the future.
3) look at the positives, you have a baby girl that needs yours and her fathers love and devotion.
4) think about what your actions will achieve in the long-term

Sorry, I feel like I have written war and peace here, but my last departing comment would be whatever you do, don't use your daughter as a way of getting back at him....the only person that suffers in that situation is the child (talking from experience). You sound sensible enough not to do that.

Anyway, hope that helps....take it or leave it.
sleepalot is offline  
Sponsored Links

Quick Reply

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Help needed on possible cheating and ways to move forward disneyparentsoftwo Coping with Infidelity 28 08-29-2012 10:13 AM
Separated and pregnant! Advice needed on how to move on nursemama Going Through Divorce or Separation 0 05-27-2012 12:19 PM
The rubber has met the road...need real solid advice to move forward... Mama2bestkidsever General Relationship Discussion 4 02-16-2012 09:09 AM
advice needed-from the outside. Great relationship but issues with a move merkymerk General Relationship Discussion 0 01-12-2012 04:44 PM
Is it time to move on??? Advice needed. Lonelygal Coping with Infidelity 3 10-26-2010 03:30 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome