Go time...and time to go. Sucks... - Page 10
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

Like Tree94Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-16-2011, 09:43 AM   #136 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by scione View Post
She also has a personal financial adviser on the side. Wonder what happen to that? Did she actually hide some money while she was with the OM?
I really don't know yet...I just looked up a number that she called the night I left, and I didn't recognize the name, but google turned up a fin advisor nearby. Speculating it was to either check on plans already made, or just to inquire about options, maybe a credit line or something? She does seem to have been broke since I left though (until she got a check earlier this week).
Posted via Mobile Device
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-16-2011, 10:11 AM   #137 (permalink)
Member
 
Almostrecovered's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: SEPA
Posts: 8,514
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamwow View Post
in order to come out looking like the tragic victim of a "marriage gone bad", prob dust in a lot of stuff like she said about her first H, like neglect, emotional abuse, making her feel unattractive and unloved, etc. [/size]

let me guess she magnified the problems or flat out lied to make herself look like a victim- typical blameshifting
Almostrecovered is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 11:39 AM   #138 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
let me guess she magnified the problems or flat out lied to make herself look like a victim- typical blameshifting
Guaranteed...magnified anything bad, made anything good into something bad (being nice, dependable, etc...married beta behavior becomes "weak" and "boring" behavior). I saw that progression in their texts, where something good about me was now being construed as a bad thing...

I would love to get the full scoop of what she talked to her best gf about the week after 10-week trip. We all went camping, and they spent lots of time talking apart from us husbands (as did we, apart from them). It was like a therapy weekend, looking back.

I do know that her gf sided with me. That pissed my W off, as I saw in a text..."Come on! second night in a row where friend sided with Sham on me leaving..."
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 11:44 AM   #139 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,250
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamwow View Post

I did beat her to the punch...But when I first mentioned attorney and me leaving if she didn't open up and tell me her side of what she was doing, I also told her D was not something I "wanted", but I would have no choice. She knows I didn't just leave her to get "one up on her". I left because she had broken our vows, disrespected me and our marriage, and wouldn't stop lying to me about it or own up, even when I laid all the cards on the table.
Posted via Mobile Device
Oh don`t misunderstand me.
I fully realize you only "beat her to the punch" because that`s the way it worked out.

In fact I was worried about you after you posted the very first episode (after Vegas) but actually the way it went down in it`s entirety (Including that "after Vegas" confrontation) left you to pursue your own needs with a completely free moral center.

It showed you really wanted it to work and the sole reason it didn`t was entirely her fault.

Sadly her communications with you from that point on led me to believe that it was her stupid sense of self-centered pride that made it impossible to R with her.
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 11:47 AM   #140 (permalink)
Member
 
Almostrecovered's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: SEPA
Posts: 8,514
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamwow View Post

I would love to get the full scoop of what she talked to her best gf about the week after 10-week trip. We all went camping, and they spent lots of time talking apart from us husbands (as did we, apart from them). It was like a therapy weekend, looking back.

Then why don't you?

You say you want answers from the wife but realize it's not a good idea to talk to her that way. Could the mutual friend be the proxy to get this? I only caution you because what you hear may cause you to put blame on yourself. (but I think you know better than this) You say she sided with you as far as not leaving and you're friends with the husband, how much does she know of what truly happened? If she heard more of your side she might be willing to pony up the info.

I guess it's a matter of what you're afraid might get back to the stbx
Almostrecovered is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 11:54 AM   #141 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
Then why don't you?

You say you want answers from the wife but realize it's not a good idea to talk to her that way. Could the mutual friend be the proxy to get this? I only caution you because what you hear may cause you to put blame on yourself. (but I think you know better than this) You say she sided with you as far as not leaving and you're friends with the husband, how much does she know of what truly happened? If she heard more of your side she might be willing to pony up the info.

I guess it's a matter of what you're afraid might get back to the stbx
Basically yeah, don't want it to get back to STBXW. Her gf and her H claim to have agreed not to be "go-betweens" for us, and talks I had with her H and talks my W had with her gf are supposedly kept separate. But...I've been married for 6 1/2 years...I know the score. We would always share info like that between us, I'm sure they did too.

And two days after I left, her gf sent me that nice email saying she respects me for how I'm handling this, so she had to know about the A, whether from my W, or from her H after I talked with him.

Tempting, but just don't want to show weakness to the one person most likely to tell my W.
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 11:57 AM   #142 (permalink)
Member
 
Almostrecovered's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: SEPA
Posts: 8,514
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

I guess I don't view getting answers as a weakness. You're not asking her to go to the wife and ask for R, you're not asking how the friend thinks it best that you go about R. You just want some perspective to learn from so you don't make the same mistake of character assessment in a future relationship.

But far be it from me to say this is the best idea and I will yield to the more experienced people- I have never been through a divorce.
Almostrecovered is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 12:03 PM   #143 (permalink)
Member
 
Almostrecovered's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: SEPA
Posts: 8,514
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

and by "answers" I most certainly don't mean that the reasons that she gives for cheating are valid, because there are no excuses for it, but at least you could fill in some gaps of what happened. (But I have always been an information gatherer)
Almostrecovered is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 01:00 PM   #144 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
and by "answers" I most certainly don't mean that the reasons that she gives for cheating are valid, because there are no excuses for it, but at least you could fill in some gaps of what happened. (But I have always been an information gatherer)
Yeah, good point. I'll think about it. Maybe she (her gf) will invite me out for drinks sometime soon, we do that once in a while anyway. Probably let her take the lead on any talk about my W though. Guess would have to see how it goes...either way, no hurry I guess.

(and lord knows I've been quite an information gatherer lately myself...)
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 01:02 PM   #145 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Also, random thought.

Noticing how closely I stuck to the BS script, after reading so many other threads. Particularly the loss of weight. Between the time I got "that feeling" that things weren't right and the time I left, I lost 50 lbs. Some due to not being hungry and not sleeping well, but plenty due to 2 hrs a day at the gym going all out. It was like I had no choice, it was go time and I couldn't ignore it any longer. At first I think I was doing it for my W, hoping to effect a change in her view of me, but deep down I guess it was for me, and still is. Down 5 more pounds in the last 2 weeks. Granted, I had the 50+ to lose (6'2", was 250ish at my peak), but wondering what % of people in that situation automatically lose a bunch of weight? Just curious...

It seems to be one of the hidden benefits of going through that much stress, pain and confusion. Like your body knows "holy crap, you better get your a** in shape if you're gonna be able to handle what's coming!" Like it just knows what's best for you, even if the lack of sleep and appetite are hard to manage at the time. Just had dinner last night with a work colleague that I last saw 3 weeks ago...he had commented on my change at that time. Last night he walks into the restaurant, looks right at me and then keeps looking around. I had to flag him down. He said he didn't even recognize me...gotta like that. New body shape, haircut, glasses and clothes will do that I guess. He's got a pending divorce too, at 48 (and wow is his situation nuts...all kinds of mental illness going on with her, no As, just stuff that would make anyone crazy...several MCs have actually told them to separate, one even pulled him aside afterward and said he and his colleagues wouldn't protest if he called an ambulance out to their house and had her committed!). Anyway, it was interesting how the girls at the next table were very open to making conversation with us...and us with them.

That and the mental strength one gains...as much as I am the same person I was a few months ago, I now officially feel like an adult. At 34. Kinda wrong when I see it on paper, and I certainly took care of my general duties as a man over the years (income, keeping up the house, yard, trying to do right by my W, etc), but never felt as grown up as I do now. (guess I always figured if/when we had a child I'd be forced to man up anyway...) Hopefully this sets me up for being prepared to manage a VERY strong next relationship when the time comes.

Of course I'm roller coastering, and out of the blue tonight I might feel like a loser POS with no prospects...so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Tempting to hand my W a copy of the WS script and the BS script someday, show her how predictable she was, and how "easy" it was to navigate the s**tstorm with that information from you guys, even if I didn't want to believe it. Seems so counterintuitive, yet predictable.

Last edited by Shamwow; 09-16-2011 at 03:22 PM.
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 03:15 PM   #146 (permalink)
aug
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,056
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

I suppose the 'wow' in your name is appropriate.


Dont lose too much more weight.
aug is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 03:17 PM   #147 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by aug View Post
Dont lose too much more weight.
Ha! Just need to drop a few more and then tighten up some. Give me a couple months, Sham 2.01 beta will be released.

And the appetite is back, so no worries, I won't be getting sickly thin.
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 03:21 PM   #148 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Amplexor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,507
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamwow View Post
Give me a couple months, Sham 2.01 beta will be released.
I thought you went Alpha!!
__________________
Amp

Confidence Love Patience Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
Amplexor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 03:26 PM   #149 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amplexor View Post
I thought you went Alpha!!
Good point...we'll just call it 2.01 then.
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 03:39 PM   #150 (permalink)
Member
 
F-102's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Chicago 'burbs
Posts: 3,500
Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Or, sound like a British war machine-Sham Mk.II!
__________________
"I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools, I've watched all the dropouts, who make their own rules..."
F-102 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife cheats for second time, this time with a woman. Magik General Relationship Discussion 24 07-24-2012 07:14 PM
What time you expect your spouse to be home after social time LexusNexus General Relationship Discussion 63 11-17-2011 11:03 AM
2nd time-still sucks Smackdown Experiences in Counseling 7 07-21-2011 12:44 AM
Couple time vs. Extended Family time Pockets General Relationship Discussion 3 02-04-2011 10:10 AM
this sucks big time missb Going Through Divorce or Separation 3 11-22-2010 12:06 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:08 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage