I gave her one actual concession, that I'd drop the dogs at day care tomorrow and she can go pick them up later. Since earlier today she had wavered on the face to face drop off, figured that was an easy way to play the civil card. And let's be honest, if she really can't face me right now, why would I want to force that?
In response to her mediation/lawyer question I basically said (to paraphrase) of course the cost is a concern, and that I do want to deal with this as easily as possible, but hearing "it's go time", "it's war", "let's go there" kinda tells me we're not any closer to rational communication about what's gone down here.
She said she just wasn't ready for anything like that yet.
I agreed and said clearly I've needed my own time, she should too, makes sense.
But then said as far as mediation goes, it's pretty hard for me to be confident to work out the details ourselves when we can't communicate in person, even over a dog drop off. That because of the position our marriage was put in by this mess, I'm looking out for myself here, and that's why I think having lawyers is really the best idea.
She said some friend of hers mentioned it cost like 20 grand to get divorce. I said there's no way that'll be our case, and it would be done right. She said well how much will it be then? I said my lawyer estimated 7-10 hours of work total. She asked how much that was (clearly she was making it up 2 weeks ago when she said she had a lawyer already), I just said depends on your lawyer, but it ain't gonna break the bank.
I told her she should go ahead and meet with her guy in the morning and see what he has to say and we'll move forward. And that I wouldn't close the door to considering a mediation route down the road, but we gotta be able to communicate to make that even doable, otherwise we'd end up saving a hell of a lot of time, and maybe even money (time is money) letting the lawyers handle the details anyway.
Asked her if that made sense...she said yeah. Cool, good night. Click.
I feel good about it, to be honest. Maybe not perfect, but felt like the right way to handle it right now, gave her a concession on the dog thing, then stood my ground on the lawyers to not give up control (because let's face it, when someone else's attorney is watching you on the record, you're not in control), but also very clearly left the door cracked for if she really wants to try to do this the easy way. Because I sure would, if I had my choice. That and by calling her to talk about it (instead of emailing or staying dark to her questions), that reinforces my point about needing to be able to communicate if we're gonna keep this as simple as possible.
And if she continues to make it a bumpy road? No mediation. She will have had a chance. Feel like I have a carrot dangled in front of her at the moment. And she said okay.
I gave her one actual concession, that I'd drop the dogs at day care tomorrow and she can go pick them up later. Since earlier today she had wavered on the face to face drop off, figured that was an easy way to play the civil card. And let's be honest, if she really can't face me right now, why would I want to force that?
In response to her mediation/lawyer question I basically said (to paraphrase) of course the cost is a concern, and that I do want to deal with this as easily as possible, but hearing "it's go time", "it's war", "let's go there" kinda tells me we're not any closer to rational communication about what's gone down here.
She said she just wasn't ready for anything like that yet.
I agreed and said clearly I've needed my own time, she should too, makes sense.
But then said as far as mediation goes, it's pretty hard for me to be confident to work out the details ourselves when we can't communicate in person, even over a dog drop off. That because of the position our marriage was put in by this mess, I'm looking out for myself here, and that's why I think having lawyers is really the best idea.
She said some friend of hers mentioned it cost like 20 grand to get divorce. I said there's no way that'll be our case, and it would be done right. She said well how much will it be then? I said my lawyer estimated 7-10 hours of work total. She asked how much that was (clearly she was making it up 2 weeks ago when she said she had a lawyer already), I just said depends on your lawyer, but it ain't gonna break the bank.
I told her she should go ahead and meet with her guy in the morning and see what he has to say and we'll move forward. And that I wouldn't close the door to considering a mediation route down the road, but we gotta be able to communicate to make that even doable, otherwise we'd end up saving a hell of a lot of time, and maybe even money (time is money) letting the lawyers handle the details anyway.
Asked her if that made sense...she said yeah. Cool, good night. Click.
I feel good about it, to be honest. Maybe not perfect, but felt like the right way to handle it right now, gave her a concession on the dog thing, then stood my ground on the lawyers to not give up control (because let's face it, when someone else's attorney is watching you on the record, you're not in control), but also very clearly left the door cracked for if she really wants to try to do this the easy way. Because I sure would, if I had my choice. That and by calling her to talk about it (instead of emailing or staying dark to her questions), that reinforces my point about needing to be able to communicate if we're gonna keep this as simple as possible.
And if she continues to make it a bumpy road? No mediation. She will have had a chance. Feel like I have a carrot dangled in front of her at the moment. And she said okay.
Whew. 2 beers, then bed.
Well done, Sham. Well done. Nighty night. Posted via Mobile Device
Again, sounds like my situation, starting to wonder if I have a split personality disorder and you are in fact me!!!
Its interesting that she isn't full on screaming about war anymore. It sounds like for all intents and purposes, she is now finally broken. A combination of you keeping your strength, I would assume the breakdown of the affair with the OM and the realisation of what she has had and lost have now hit home.
Sham, I had to register as i have been following your posts since accidentally stumbling over them the other day, and wanted to tell you that I know what your going through, as your experience is scarily identical to what happened to me nearly two years ago, just replace 2 puppies with 2 kids and other than that its the same.
For what its worth, and its only my opinion, it sounds like your wife is starting to make a play to getting you back. Once reality sunk it with my other half, and leading up to us eventually talking like civilised human beings, she was still attacking me and extending a olive branch in equal measures.
It was almost like she desperately wanted to talk and make it work, but at the same time was still on the offensive in case she needed to cut and run again.
I think you need to be prepared to meet both of your wife's personalities as she probably doesn't know herself how to handle the situation, and I honestly believe that if you just keep quiet and listen, let her talk, you will now get the answers you have been looking for.
Also I would suggest that maybe the not having a lawyer email could be for 2 reasons. 1, she is broke. 2, and I think this the more likely, she doesn't want a divorce. This is her way of stalling while she tries to find out if there can be a reconciliation.
Ultimately the choice is yours, and it doesn't matter what people say "i would dump her right away", "divorce and never look back", lets face it who doesn't say that, but most people are lucky enough never to have to experience making that decision.
For the record I did make that decision, I choose to give my wife another chance, because people do f*** up, no one is perfect. Do I regret it, yes somedays I wonder if i made the right decision, but I know the person my wife became temporarily wasn't the woman I married, and it came down to wanting the wife back that I know and love. Granted it hasn't been easy, but what is??
Sorry to go on, its 3am here so easy to ramble away. I wish you the best of luck however it goes, only you can decide what is right for you.
Stick with lawyer for now if for no other reason to stay into control. Tell her you may consider mediation, implying if she behaves. Especially since the tax papers remark. What did that mean anyway? Just don't give anything away for nothing.
Most importantly, only agree to bring the dogs over if she meets face to face. No guts no glory. Could very well be an eye opener. If she is trying to hide from you make her man up.
And remember stay cool above all else. If she gets ugly show her your backside.
Stick with lawyer for now if for no other reason to stay into control. Tell her you may consider mediation, implying if she behaves. Especially since the tax papers remark. What did that mean anyway? Just don't give anything away for nothing.
Most importantly, only agree to bring the dogs over if she meets face to face. No guts no glory. Could very well be an eye opener. If she is trying to hide from you make her man up.
And remember stay cool above all else. If she gets ugly show her your backside.
Agree with this, don't ditch the lawyer especially if they are good, you don't know when/if you might need them (mine were c*** and as it turned out a waste of money but good insurance none the less, shows you mean business).
I still think she wants the dogs bought round, the face to face meeting is the setup for potential R.
Most importantly, only agree to bring the dogs over if she meets face to face. No guts no glory. Could very well be an eye opener. If she is trying to hide from you make her man up.
And remember stay cool above all else. If she gets ugly show her your backside.
Decided to not make the dogs a bargaining chip...just seemed like it would be wrong as I didn't make that a condition when I agreed to drop them for a few days. I know I missed em those 2 weeks when I first left, she has to now...thought it would be a good act to put forward in the humane department.
Decided to not make the dogs a bargaining chip...just seemed like it would be wrong as I didn't make that a condition when I agreed to drop them for a few days. I know I missed em those 2 weeks when I first left, she has to now...thought it would be a good act to put forward in the humane department.
Not bad at all. Props
Why do you think she doesn't want a face to face? Embarrassed? I didn't realize she was avoiding you. Don't know how I missed that.
Agree with this, don't ditch the lawyer especially if they are good, you don't know when/if you might need them (mine were c*** and as it turned out a waste of money but good insurance none the less, shows you mean business).
I still think she wants the dogs bought round, the face to face meeting is the setup for potential R.
And always stay cool
Won't be ditching the lawyer...will proceed to whatever the next steps are and if I decide otherwise, he can wait in the wings as long as I need. He is good...founding partner of one of the largest firms in town, been kicking a** for 40 years. Wonder if my W knows that...she probably will when she mentions his name to her guy tomorrow. That's assuming she actually has a meeting with a lawyer in the morning...she may have just been throwing a hail mary to avoid having to come up with a retainer (even a small one, if she goes with JimBob's Family Law).
Why do you think she doesn't want a face to face? Embarrassed? I didn't realize she was avoiding you. Don't know how I missed that.
She lost her confidence - may even look like hell - if she's been living in near poverty for two weeks.
She maybe afraid of loosing her own composure, after all - Sham's been in charge and she's probably lost everything except that little stash that she's set aside with the financial planner.
The OM is probably blocking her calls now, or ignoring her. Her friends maybe shunning her a bit as Sham's put up a classy act.
Why do you think she doesn't want a face to face? Embarrassed? I didn't realize she was avoiding you. Don't know how I missed that.
Yeah...seems like it. Embarrassment is my main suspect. 10 days ago when I went back for the rest of my stuff she was elsewhere while I moved, later claiming it was because she was "not able to look at me after what I did to that poor girl(OMW)". (uh huh..)
This is the next time a face to face would have been expected since then, and she even initiated it on Sun by asking if she could have the pups for a few days...I told her I'd drop them off on Tues and she said okay. Then today she said she needed to figure out a "transfer" for the drop off. And she did say tonight on the phone that she's not ready for anything like that yet (actual conversation, perhaps having to talk about what went down, etc).
She lost her confidence - may even look like hell - if she's been living in near poverty for two weeks.
She maybe afraid of loosing her own composure, after all - Sham's been in charge and she's probably lost everything except that little stash that she's set aside with the financial planner.
The OM is probably blocking her calls now, or ignoring her. Her friends maybe shunning her a bit as Sham's put up a classy act.
World is crashing down. So sad. So sad.
I did see on her email the other day (I checked after a week of not caring, and she hadn't changed the pw yet, oops) that she's been ordering pizza almost every night. Kinda makes me sad actually, because that was a habit we both broke a few months ago when I/we started working out all the time. It's always a shame to see physical progress like we made get snuffed out in a few weeks...I've done that to myself dozens of times over the years. But...then I wouldn't know. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to meet to my face...an extra 5-10 lbs she's socked on? Who knows...I'm looking great though.
She lost her confidence - may even look like hell - if she's been living in near poverty for two weeks.
She maybe afraid of loosing her own composure, after all - Sham's been in charge and she's probably lost everything except that little stash that she's set aside with the financial planner.
The OM is probably blocking her calls now, or ignoring her. Her friends maybe shunning her a bit as Sham's put up a classy act.
World is crashing down. So sad. So sad.
Sounds like the world HAS crashed down. Again, probably why she cant face Sham now, nothing to do with what he did to that poor OMW more to do with her not being able to look Sham in the eyes now she has realised what she has done to him! Hindsight is such a cruel thing
I like the positive thinking, where you are now i was an emotional wreck. Great for losing weight though, if I could bottle the "Divorce Diet" i'd be a millionaire!!!
I did see on her email the other day (I checked after a week of not caring, and she hadn't changed the pw yet, oops) that she's been ordering pizza almost every night. Kinda makes me sad actually, because that was a habit we both broke a few months ago when I/we started working out all the time. It's always a shame to see physical progress like we made get snuffed out in a few weeks...I've done that to myself dozens of times over the years. But...then I wouldn't know. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to meet to my face...an extra 5-10 lbs she's socked on? Who knows...I'm looking great though.
I have a feeling that this is intentional. Think of a Trojan horse. She knows you know the password - AND - it hasn't changed at ALL. If there was any way to bait u into getting what she wanted (even an R) - this would be the way she would do it.
Its almost like feigned transparency. Tread carefully!
I wonder if any of her married female friends who may now know that she was having an affair with a married man, are keeping her at arms length. A pariah.
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Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks... 
