I think you should send your WW an email and tell her your thoughts. I am one that thinks a response is required on some issues. I know a lot do not think the wayward will take it into account but unless they have a low IQ or are psychotic they do get the message and your wife is neither of these. She may try to minimize but will remember what you have said.
Wow, re-reading my last post it's becoming pretty clear to me what my position is here. Sad as it sounds, it seems I may just be holding out for an apology before I play nice.
That seems a little childish, especially considering I may never get one. When I left I didn't "take my toys and go home", that was totally justified. But now that the point has been made, and made hard...and as much as I don't want to give her the satisfaction of running any of this on her terms, wondering if someday looking back I'll be able to respect myself for sticking to my guns...when I guess I'm just trying to end the marriage too. Where do I draw the line here? Really waffling, but I am not the "stick it to her guy", I'm the guy in charge right now. Can't I be alpha, be in charge, and still soften the financial blow on both of us? Isn't the high road just as painful to her as the hard road now, considering her affair has been exposed to family and some friends, her work colleagues, and her now (presumably) ex-bf's wife? Seems the only thing left is financial punishment, and I'm starting to feel that's not somewhere I want to go if I can't even think of a way to respond to her about that without hovering around the truth on how I feel about it.
Just so tired of keeping my dukes at the ready. Like my lawyer told me on our initial consultation, given our situation (no kids, easily split assets, etc) she can't really do anything to me, and I can't really do anything to her, so it will be very easy. All she could do is maybe have me arrested, or put a restraining order on me. She can't do anything substantial. So what am I fighting this point for still? The point has been made.
Would love to remind her of these things, but at the moment worry that I couldn't do it without anger in my voice, as all of it is still really painful for me to deal with. Perhaps an email? Perhaps ignore? Perhaps a short text saying "There are many things that weren't necessary. Right now this is the only way to handle it."? It's true lawyers aren't "necessary", as the division of assets should be simple. No kids, no trust funds, no property besides the house, etc. I WANT to be able to do mediation and keep costs down for myself (and her, by extension). If I say: "Okay honey, you showed me complete disrespect for the last 4 months, you created this entire situation by your own selfish actions, you were going to string me along for as long as you needed while digging a hole under me and our marriage, so you could eventually slip out the back door and blame the whole thing on me...sure, I'll roll over like your ex-H did and give you the gift of a home-remedy divorce."...then I give up most of the self-respect I've gained through this process, because she'll have it the way she planned anyway (well, plus some exposure, guilt and shame). Seriously, is it vindictive, if the main reason I don't want to give on lawyers is because I don't want to give her the pleasure? Maybe. Can't think of another way to explain it to her than the way I did last night though. This sucks.
I think an email expressing your thoughts is fine and doesn't show any weakness. I don't think she "heard" your words last night - she's too volatile, but the written word may sink in.
And yet another brick wall. Thought we were good after talking last night.
Today I get texted: "This is going to cost a whole lot of money. Skip the dogs. I can't afford an hour of daycare."
Then: "Heard you have the most costly lawyer in town, yet the least responsive. Is all this necessary?"
So she talked to a lawyer, he knows mine, and passed his rep on to her. (he's been very responsive, btw. If he's not available, I can always get a secondary attorney or his assistant on the phone.) And no he's not the most expensive, but he isn't cheap. What does she care? It's not her money, right? Since it's all so "simple" to work the details out, she can hire a $50/hr lawyer and we'll probably get the same result. She can say I wasted my money. I could even argue the same, tbh. Ummm...so? Is it "all necessary"? NO. I told her that on the phone last night. Also told her her that I would consider mediation if we were able to talk about things rationally, but in the meantime I have no better option than to let a professional handle things. I warned her that I would divorce her if she went on this Vegas trip, and/or if she went ahead and cheated. She denied everything and went anyway. When she came back I told her I'd seen an attorney and had papers drawn up, but gave her a chance to tell me her story from the beginning and I would at least listen. She denied everything. Then I found the texts and I pulled the trigger. She knew the consequences, she didn't care then. Now she's worried about a couple thousand dollars after blowing a few times that prepping and paying for her affair week.
Would love to remind her of these things, but at the moment worry that I couldn't do it without anger in my voice, as all of it is still really painful for me to deal with. Perhaps an email? Perhaps ignore? Perhaps a short text saying "There are many things that weren't necessary. Right now this is the only way to handle it."? It's true lawyers aren't "necessary", as the division of assets should be simple. No kids, no trust funds, no property besides the house, etc. I WANT to be able to do mediation and keep costs down for myself (and her, by extension). If I say: "Okay honey, you showed me complete disrespect for the last 4 months, you created this entire situation by your own selfish actions, you were going to string me along for as long as you needed while digging a hole under me and our marriage, so you could eventually slip out the back door and blame the whole thing on me...sure, I'll roll over like your ex-H did and give you the gift of a home-remedy divorce."...then I give up most of the self-respect I've gained through this process, because she'll have it the way she planned anyway (well, plus some exposure, guilt and shame). Seriously, is it vindictive, if the main reason I don't want to give on lawyers is because I don't want to give her the pleasure? Maybe. Can't think of another way to explain it to her than the way I did last night though. This sucks.
I got a lawyer to follow through on the consequences I laid out and show her I was serious. She knows I'm serious, but she thinks I'm just trying to hurt her financially and "get her back" by sticking on this. In truth...Am I? Hard to think straight.
As for the dogs, come on. She can order $27 in pizza every day and buy a used car, but can't pay 10 bucks for an hour of daycare so she can pick them up without seeing me?
Sigh.
Sham,
You already wrote the content of your reply to her text. Pull the trigger via text - theres not anger, just truth. Time to let her know how callous her actions really are and that she is living in fantasy land.
She can txt u all she wants - you have control over what you txt back - and there is nothing weak or unalpha like with a logical, yet rebuking response.
She's flailing in the wind, waiting to see if she can goad u into an emotional response, one that might give her some leverage for an R (she has no better bets right now, she's looking to take her rebuking so the forgiveness she is expecting can follow shortly. )
She clearly doesn't want to be doing this (the D), despite the stuff she says. I don't know about you, but I have found that some ladies do and say stuff when they are in the wrong that doesn't make sense and isn't what they really mean. They are grasping for a way back to the way things used to be.
That seems a little childish, doesn't it? When I left I didn't "take my toys and go home", that was totally justified. But now that the point has been made, and made hard...and as much as I don't want to give her the satisfaction of running any of this on her terms, wondering if someday looking back I'll be able to respect myself for sticking to my guns...when I guess I'm just trying to end the marriage too. Where do I draw the line here? Really waffling, but I am not the "stick it to her guy", I'm the guy in charge right now. Can't I be alpha, be in charge, and still soften the financial blow on both of us?
I don't think it's childish. You've been put through hell. You're doing an outstanding job. You've been a gentlemen and not many in your situation would be able to handle it the way you have (myself included, I'm afraid). If you're waffling, give yourself more time.
You can agree to attempt mediation, with the stipulation that you'll engage your lawyer if she doesn't act like a rational, civilized lady (which I don't think she's capable of right now).
Dont send an email yet, think about it and give some time to let it sink in. If you do happen to end up in court, ALL written communication is evidence (Texts and email) and can be used against the other person. Normally temp orders exist in a divorce filing that require the parties to not provoke or threaten harm. Last thing you need is lose it and have it in writing and lo and behold, an abuse claim and restraining order comes your way.
You're not being childish. I think lawyers are completely necessary. As for the dogs, it's probably better like this anyways. You wouldn't want to risk not being able to get them back.
Right now she is just angry, not remorseful, that you blew the lid off her whole operation. I told my friends about my ONS and it was humiliating. Did they still love me? Yes. Did they look at me differently than before? You bet they did. She is lashing out at you right now and I wouldn't trust anything she said, does, or suggests.
She is being very manipulative in her texts. I would almost say to her in an email that you will be "going dark" until she can decide to be civilized. These interactions are just a big mind f*ck and they have to be tiring. You don't need to hold her hand through this divorce, but she is expecting you to.
Also, I would ONLY agree to mediation if (and that's a BIG if) she agreed to take on all the debt that she accrued starting at her 10wk trip. I would venture to say that she is probably not happy about being stuck with that and will fight to not be solely responsible. She most likely is hoping to split everything right down the middle. Remember she did "steal" that money you put in the joint account for your insurance premiums. The fact is, she is probably going to get stuck with more debt than you. As she should.
Angel nailed it. And, I love the idea about her taking on her affair-prep debt.
You are obviously an intelligent, strong, capable, man.
Your emotions are running high because if the content of the contact with her.
Take some time to get those under control and make a decision.
Your instincts and intelligence haven`t failed you yet I don`t believe they will if you take it slow.
"If you want to see the dogs, I want you to see them. I offered to drop them off, you suggested daycare. If you don’t want to see them over $10, then I’ll respect that and keep them with me. Your call.
You don’t have to hire a lawyer. Right now I simply think professional advice is/has been necessary. He can write up the agreement, with input from you through me, and if it’s agreeable it’s all good. Like you said, there are no kids, trust funds, etc to be considered, but certainly details.
If we are able to agree to mediation though, I would keep him retained and if things went south or weren’t handled in a reasonable manner, he would be recalled to step in. I would have some things that would need to be agreed upon before considering mediation, as you may too. I’ll think about it and get back to you."
Sitting on this for a while, feel the need to respond before too long though.
There's really no point in you being a nice guy to her. Remain civil, but that's it. You've already engaged the lawyer's services. I'd say use 'em.
Don't let her be with the dogs (remember when you first offered to split custody- she was like "Take them both."). She doesn't care about them. They are a tool to her, nothing more.
Don't let her confuse you. Don't let her get under your skin (easier said than done, I know).
You've come all of this way. Just because she's now realizing the grim reality that she's brought upon herself doesn't mean that you have to go out of your way to comfort her or even make things any easier for her. What matters is YOU.
And yet another brick wall. Thought we were good after talking last night.
Today I get texted: "This is going to cost a whole lot of money. Skip the dogs. I can't afford an hour of daycare."
Then: "Heard you have the most costly lawyer in town, yet the least responsive. Is all this necessary?"
Let me translate this for you.
" HOLY COW, I am never going to be in control of Sham again! He is DEAD serious about this. Where is the waek, beta Sham that I could manipulate so easily in the past? Who is this Alpha dude who's kicking my a**? My life is going to suck!"
Sham, I second the notion that you could write a book on awesome. Stand your ground. You seem to have an uncanny ability to discern the proper action.
"Don't let her be with the dogs (remember when you first offered to split custody- she was like "Take them both."). She doesn't care about them. They are a tool to her, nothing more."
I knew from get-go the dogs were an excuse to open communication. If you both use your lawyer she must pay some too. She wants to mediate to have opportunity to get to you again - it's forced communication. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks... 
