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Old 09-20-2011, 06:55 PM   #301 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

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This sounds very 'eager to please' to me. That is what I mean about jumping. Dogs - sure - no don't want them - sure - want me to come for real estate agent days notice - yep and I'll bring the dogs you say you don't want either. From outsider point of view, you're jumping.
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Makes sense, thanks.
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:17 PM   #302 (permalink)
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Folks...I'm itching, I'm dying here. Sooooo many ways to send that one over the fence. But for now I'll refrain and let her think about it.

She is off her rocker to ask me that.
Indeed, she is off her rocker, so why don't you send one over the fence???? I don't think you will be less of a man if you zing her now and then.

Honestly, I don't think your restraint causes her to think...
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:20 PM   #303 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Or maybe you can just ask her to clarify what she means by: "Don't know why you wanted to do this."
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:32 PM   #304 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Reply " which thing? Having you cheat? Or my divorcing you for cheating?"
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:40 PM   #305 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

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Reply " which thing? Having you cheat? Or my divorcing you for cheating?"
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If you replied at all, I would go with something along these lines. Short and to the cutting point.
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:44 PM   #306 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

I would tell her exactly why. I'm angry, hurt, and don't trust you.
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:24 PM   #307 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Sham, I'm really sorry. I was afraid this would happen.

I don't know your STBXW; she may be a great lady. But, I do know this behavior.

As I've said before, she is cronically and critically manipulative. She keeps throwing stuff up against the wall to see what you will respond to. "the dogs", "why did u hurt the OMW", "i'm broke", "need a car", "come meet the realtor", "don't drop off the dogs". And, of course all the other texts that you haven't responded to and that we don't even know about.

There is a reason people need to go dark, and it's to avoid this crap. She blasts you, she tweaks your emotions, she plays on the supposed mutual love for the dogs, all to get you to respond in a way she wants you to.

The details don't matter. Everything is a prop. You're shocked she said "nevermind" about the dogs? I'm not. They were just a convenient trump card she knew she could play to get a response.

Look at where you were emotionally yesterday. Because of her missives you were ready to put off the attorney and go through mediation. Why? What's in it for you? Not a damn thing other than having to sit there and listen while she explains why it is all your damn fault that she was spreading her legs for another guy.

I don't mean to be harsh, I really don't. But, like I said, I've seen this behavior in my family and I know it well. People with these traits are generally unhappy regardless of how perfect their circumstances are. They hold powerful grudges but know how to conceal them to gain advantage. They can be the nicest person in the world when it works for them. And they learn all the buttons they need to push to get what they want.

You've been so effective up until now because you've deprived her of this control and it eats at her. Now, as another poster pointed out, she has you "agreeing" about everything from dogs to a meeting with a realtor.

BTW, do NOT sign anything listing the house.

And she's close to getting you to agree to mediation. She's beginning to get what she wants from you again and you're rewarded with a bunch of BS texts about money, why, etc.

Take a step back and see that, even in this, you are being played.

Tell her the estate is simple enough to split, and your attorney will handle it. If she wants to use an attorney to review or suggest changes then fine, but it is what it is. If she doesn't, it's all simple enough she can just sign on the dotted line when it's presented to her and save herself the money. Reiterate you're just trying to end the marriage, not screw her and that the only one that has mentioned "war" is her.

That's it. Then just tell the att to get it done as quick as possible.

But, don't fall prey to these manipulations. She might have been a great gal, but she isn't now. Think...she still, this far down the road, has not said one apologetic or conciliatory thing to you. All she's done is either ask for something or lash out.

Good luck. Sincerely, I don't mean to sound hard or harsh, but since you're "in the arena" of this emotional mess, I thought a sober view from outside the lines would help.

Last edited by piqued; 09-20-2011 at 09:28 PM.
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:38 PM   #308 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

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Alright, one last zinger for now. The texts have been flying at me, finally replied to one. Good response from me, clear, concise. Pissed her off.

More incoming. Each point she starts to make, she cuts herself off before finishing, with "ugh, nevermind" or "forget it, whatever, we'll just pay them forever".

The zinger? She caps it off with: "Don't know why you wanted to do this."

Folks...I'm itching, I'm dying here. Sooooo many ways to send that one over the fence. But for now I'll refrain and let her think about it.

She is off her rocker to ask me that.
Your answer......Do what?

She sounds drunk.

I agree with piqued.
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:44 PM   #309 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

I agree with pique, it's as if she is desperate for attention and like a child will even look for negative attention. Her new plaything left her so now she is acting out against you and will push buttons and do anything to get a response from you.
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:59 PM   #310 (permalink)
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Sham the great thing about changes you have made are that it now doesn't matter what you do as long as you keep your frame of mind. You dont want to stay dark then don't. Sham 2 doesn't care. You want to stop by and see your wife then go and it wont matter what happens you need to be happy because new sham don't care. She starts getting crazy simply smile and say " I thought you realized things were different now but I was wrong" and then leave. Nothing bothers you, your confidence can't be shaken. You will make mistakes but it wont matter if you don't care because you will learn and grow. It is all attitude. You lacked it, found it and now she is chipping away at it. Roll with the punches, feel as though your life will rock no matter what you decide. Fate is in your hands.
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Last edited by skip76; 09-20-2011 at 10:05 PM.
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Old 09-20-2011, 11:35 PM   #311 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

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Originally Posted by Shamwow View Post
Alright, one last zinger for now. The texts have been flying at me, finally replied to one. Good response from me, clear, concise. Pissed her off.

More incoming. Each point she starts to make, she cuts herself off before finishing, with "ugh, nevermind" or "forget it, whatever, we'll just pay them forever".

The zinger? She caps it off with: "Don't know why you wanted to do this."

Folks...I'm itching, I'm dying here. Sooooo many ways to send that one over the fence. But for now I'll refrain and let her think about it.

She is off her rocker to ask me that.
Seeking Sanity - one of those emotional day traders? I RESEMBLE that statement! LOL.

Either way - Sham - That statement above thats Bolded - I'm telling u through all the crap she's said (and you really can't believe it) - is VERY telling.

Its more about her wanting to R. Serious. When the analysis is all said and done, I think ur wife is a narcissist. To even ask / say that is so totally self-centered thinking, its NOT even funny to the extreme (although I do find her behavior amusing)

Maybe your next (just a suggestion) txt to her needs to be along the lines of: you really need some professional psychiatric help - you aren't getting it! what part of YOU CHEATED and LIED to me did u misunderstand?

Back to my day / night emotion trading....Keep your chin up, Sham!
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Old 09-20-2011, 11:36 PM   #312 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

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Indeed, she is off her rocker, so why don't you send one over the fence???? I don't think you will be less of a man if you zing her now and then.

Honestly, I don't think your restraint causes her to think...


couldn't have said it better. I didn't see this post, before my previous reply.
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Old 09-20-2011, 11:59 PM   #313 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

The comments about you getting the "most expensive lawyer" are probably just another way that she is desperately trying to lay the guilt trip on you.

I agree on others' views on her trying to get you to show up for that meeting with the realtor-she's desperate for an excuse to see you face to face, trying to force your hand. (And, overactive, paranoid me still suspects that she is trying to ambush you-trying to get a mad, emotionally driven response that you will regret and she can use against you).

But that last "Don't know why you wanted to do this" message. That says that she is still lashing out emotionally, and not totally thinking things thru before she acts (Gee, ain't that what started this all in the first place? If there's one thing she's proven over the last few months, it's that she makes decisions on emotional impulse, while totally disregarding the long term consequences-and she's STILL using those weapons even after they blew up in her face). It's like she has that old cartoon angel and devil on her shoulders. She listens to the wise angel and proposes a way to communicate/work with you effectively, and you, quite understandably, think that maybe you can at last work on this whole divorce with minimal damage. But then the devil takes over, and she comes right back at you with venom, putting you right back at square one.

No, you are NOT being childish-you are being very wise and covering your bases. Yes, there will be times when you will doubt your resolve, times when you want to chuck it all and give up, times when you will question your wisdom in your decisions and actions. But please, stay the course, you are indeed handling this magnificently!
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Old 09-21-2011, 02:16 AM   #314 (permalink)
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I too think you are handling well.
It's like she's manic. Doesn't know if she's coming or going from one outburst to the next.
The only reason I commented before (and I fear I insulted you) was because to me, it sounded like you were reacting to her every outburst. Not being emotionally invested in her, I find her scrambling amusing. From outside looking in, she doesn't know if she's coming or going and I feared you were getting caught up in following her friggen insane, out of left field crap and reacting to her instead of sticking to your cooL, steady path.
Hope I didn't offend.
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Old 09-21-2011, 03:07 AM   #315 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

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I too think you are handling well.
It's like she's manic. Doesn't know if she's coming or going from one outburst to the next.
The only reason I commented before (and I fear I insulted you) was because to me, it sounded like you were reacting to her every outburst. Not being emotionally invested in her, I find her scrambling amusing. From outside looking in, she doesn't know if she's coming or going and I feared you were getting caught up in following her friggen insane, out of left field crap and reacting to her instead of sticking to your cooL, steady path.
Hope I didn't offend.
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No offense, you've been very supportive throughout...clearly I didn't want to hear that angle, but there was truth to it. (and for what it's worth, I'm still going from 0 to 60 on the sensitivity scale these days, just less often than before...don't mean to push back too hard)

I so want this to just go civil...but you wouldn't believe the bs I've gotten tonight. Went out with a buddy to see some live jazz, and being incommunicato for a few hours after a brief text exchange unleashed the kraken again (believe me, it was brief). Again. She needs to lay off the wine and think about life.

Therapy would be a good idea.

Last edited by Shamwow; 09-21-2011 at 03:14 AM.
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