Theres nothing wrong with being nice to her. Just don't be a Nice Guy. Your not an uncaring monster, and helping her when she needed it is not wrong in my books.
Hell, I went over and spoon fed my WW during our separation when she was immensely sick. Didn't mean I was looking for R.
Remember, she WAS your wife at one point. And as messed up in the head as she is are, you do have a history that wasn't so dark at one point in your lives together. Posted via Mobile Device
Wouldn't the 180 mean having her parents or other friends care for her? She does have other options. I am scared if this help keeps up, there will be rug-sweeping and the relationship will continue.
There is a difference in going to help in a life or death situation and playing Florence Nightingale when she does have other options.
You're making things too easy for her. Remember, she chose to no longer have the benefit of a loving, caring husband when she chose the affair.
Giving her implied hope so the divorce will go smooth will just backfire. She wants R and when she realizes D is coming, she'll flip her nut.
Your call all the way but she doesn't deserve your nurse maid role. Posted via Mobile Device
You are right that she gave up the right to a loving husband around the house...and I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. Usually pretty easy, considering her unapologetic firebombing of our marriage.
180 says not to "sit around waiting on your spouse". I've been referencing the list almost daily. I understand the worry that I may backslide due to her sudden smiley/thankful persona, and empathy for her injury. But I'm certainly doing nothing of the Florence Nightengale sort, except for the day she was injured and I helped her get situated on the couch and cleaned the wound on her head. That was Saturday. Since then I've been over once, last night. I had to pick up a drive that I needed for work, was there for about 10 minutes or so. While there I did a few trivial things to help out, checked out the basement to see the new paint, there was some idle/pleasant chit chat from her to which I was polite but not really engaged. She said thanks. I said "take care of yourself" and then left. Of course she misses a man around the house. GOOD. She should.
I didn't go grocery shopping for her, ask to take a look at the wound again, chop broccoli, cook dinner, change the oil on her car, etc.
I totally get the trepidation about maybe getting tricked into being her beta puppy again. Believe me, my eyes are wide open here. I've been posting some of my weaker feelings here for perspective, but I'm consciously playing a strong game when I'm face to face with her. She's not prostrate on the couch anymore, seems to be getting around okay now, just a little slow moving. So can't foresee needing to continue offering help.
You are right that she gave up the right to a loving husband around the house...and I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. Usually pretty easy, considering her unapologetic firebombing of our marriage.
180 says not to "sit around waiting on your spouse". I've been referencing the list almost daily. I understand the worry that I may backslide due to her sudden smiley/thankful persona, and empathy for her injury. But I'm certainly doing nothing of the Florence Nightengale sort, except for the day she was injured and I helped her get situated on the couch and cleaned the wound on her head. That was Saturday. Since then I've been over once, last night. I had to pick up a drive that I needed for work, was there for about 10 minutes or so. While there I did a few trivial things to help out, checked out the basement to see the new paint, there was some idle/pleasant chit chat from her to which I was polite but not really engaged. She said thanks. I said "take care of yourself" and then left. Of course she misses a man around the house. GOOD. She should.
I didn't go grocery shopping for her, ask to take a look at the wound again, chop broccoli, cook dinner, change the oil on her car, etc.
I totally get the trepidation about maybe getting tricked into being her beta puppy again. Believe me, my eyes are wide open here. I've been posting some of my weaker feelings here for perspective, but I'm consciously playing a strong game when I'm face to face with her. And she seems to be getting around fine now, just a little slow moving. So can't foresee needing to continue offering help in this situation.
I'm glad and I believe in you (as in you know what you're doing and being cautious). If you were an unfeeling jerk, I don't think everyone here would be so invested in your story. Take care of yourself, you're a good man and someday you'll find a great, deserving woman and have a little Shamwow or two running around. Posted via Mobile Device
Still, Sham can't say that he hasn't tried... and he's much more magnanamous than I might be.
Just keep both eyes open, Sham (but it sounds like you've got it under control). And, you know, if things do get uncomfortable (i.e. if she asks for too much help, or it's something you don't feel appropriate doing), you are perfectly within your rights to say "I'm not comfortable with doing that" or "I don't think that'd be appropriate, under the circumstances."
(i.e. if she asks for too much help, or it's something you don't feel appropriate doing), you are perfectly within your rights to say "I'm not comfortable with doing that" or "I don't think that'd be appropriate, under the circumstances."
Totally. She mentioned some haunted house thing that's sold out every year. She mentioned they still had tix available. (??). I said, "Nice...you gonna go?". Her: "Dunno". Me: "Cool."
She wasn't really fishing for a date, was she? This from the girl who hasn't even said "oops, sorry I did what I did." Either way, I wasn't a d*ck about it, just indifferent. Posted via Mobile Device
You need to cut off all commo with her. Your beta instincts are too overpowering right now and until you get that under control she's going to suck you right back in. You have no kids and no ties to her just get the divorce done and don't look back.
Not sure if it's beta being too strong or just being thrown a hefty curveball with the injury, reintroducing a little empathy for her into my mindset. Know I need to be careful, with you on that 100%. Just can't imagine her wanting to "suck me back in". She was planning to leave me for months before I discovered her game. I think she's happy as hell to have me gone, just not happy with the financial stress of doing this "my way". That and she was hoping for me to keep the house while she moved out and got to live the free life. Oops. She's being nice right now, I'm not calling her, she's calling/texting me. While I miss my wife (the original wife), I'm looking at this as making use of the lack of vitriol to make some headway on communication on the divorce. Posted via Mobile Device
Just can't imagine her wanting to "suck me back in". She was planning to leave me for months before I discovered her game. Posted via Mobile Device
I think that is the mindset of many WW while the A is in full swing. They think the OM is going to save them from their mediocre life and all will be roses. Then reality hits and ....... Maybe you have mentioned it before ( a lot of posts in this thread hard to keep up ) but was sorry a word that always hard for her to say? Did you find yourself apologizing even when she was in the wrong before the A?
was sorry a word that always hard for her to say? Did you find yourself apologizing even when she was in the wrong before the A?
Pretty much nailed it there. She would apologize after an argument, but with big things she's always preferred to ignore it and take a hard stance. And yes, I often found myself apologizing to diffuse situations where she should have been apologizing. Once she even said "why are you apologizing?". SMH, I have a lot to learn. As much as all this sucks hard, I'm learning tons of stuff that'll make life so much better going forward. Took a nuke to start over fresh and do things right maybe... Posted via Mobile Device
Pretty much nailed it there. She would apologize after an argument, but with big things she's always preferred to ignore it and take a hard stance. And yes, I often found myself apologizing to diffuse situations where she should have been apologizing. Once she even said "why are you apologizing?". SMH, I had a lot to learn. As much as all this sucks hard, I'm learning tons of stuff that'll make life so much better going forward. Took a nuke to start over fresh and do things right maybe... Posted via Mobile Device
With what she knows you know and what she imagines you know, she is just to embarassed to apologize. I mean, what she has done to you is so horrible, I doubt that she is that close to wrapping her mind around the pain you have suffered.
She is totally avoiding facing up to all that has happened. I believe she feels an apology would be equivalent to putting a band aid on a broken leg.
Its going to take awhile for her to accept this situation for what it really is, assuming she will ever be able to.
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Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks... 
