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Old 10-06-2011, 09:35 PM   #586 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

You had to let it out, it happens.
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Old 10-06-2011, 09:43 PM   #587 (permalink)
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With Golfer Girl I went through the same thing with my ex. Your ex ...was....baiting you my friend. She was getting you to feel sorry for her then(In her mind hopefully get back together and she hasn't learned her lesson.)

I think in your case Sham, she not only did not learn her lesson for the reason why you left her, but also because I feel and I could be wrong, but I get the feeling that she thinks that YOU WILL NOT GO THROUGH WITH THE DIVORCE. She doesn't take what your doing and how you feel seriously. She felt if she said the right things pulled the right strings you would come running back to her. But Sham do not feel bad for what you did I mean she still has no idea what you now know. It makes sense as to why she kept saying "It doesn't matter were getting divorced".

My friend you can't be surprised because if she truly feels that the marriage is over and you yourself already feel that way, then you have to let her go, look at this as closure that you made the right decision, it could have been worse, you could have forgiven her then got back with her then find this out. (I did that before and trust me that hurt more than the first time, because I thought we were "past" it.) It is normal to feel that way because when you spoke to your wife you probably felt and saw signs of the old her coming back. If you can try not to see her again in your old home because it all plays a part on your mind, all the memories, the love, good times and bad. You are a good man Sham, go dark but also put you first. And when you have doubt just go back to WHY you left her to begin with. You miss the way she used to be, not the person she is NOW, a lot of times we get caught up in the person we want to fall in love with VS THE REALITY of the situation. If I may make a suggestion? Can you get away for a week maybe a few days? Just to get away change a location just take off and reflect. Maybe that will do you some good. Take Care Sham -KRIS
Curious why she would think I wouldn't go through with the D, after playing such a hard game when I left...maybe because she hasn't seen Mk II in action (face to face) until almost 2 weeks ago?
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Old 10-06-2011, 09:48 PM   #588 (permalink)
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I get the feeling your wife really doesn't like being alone.

For whatever reason (midlife, unhappiness, self-esteem, etc.) she found the great sexual adventure of the internet and like so many millions, wanted to turn the fantasy into reality.

She did, and she got burned. Now she's left all alone. When she feels alone what does she do? She shows Sham a glimpse of the old W, get's that heart to ache once again, and - if she plays her cards right - gets Sham back so she doesn't feel so alone. However, nothing, absolutely nothing that she has said or done so far would make me believe for a second she wouldn't cheat on you again.

Just as the old HS friend was a warm male to flirt with, you must recognize Sham that so are you! And, as you've admitted before through this episode, she does know how to push your buttons.

She saw Sham 2.0 and she knew that she was conquered and alone. Show a little contrition, shed a tear, flirt it up with Sham and she just might melt that 2.0 and get Sham back to being a beta.

I feel for you, bro. I do. Somewhere in her brain she probably has real love and real respect for you. But that place is small and very removed. What fills most of her brain is HER sense of need. And right now she NEEDS you, that it why she WANTS you. Sadly, once that need dissipates, the want will as well. And then, whether you're sitting on the couch watching TV with her or she's on a plane on the road, you can be rest assured she'll be sexting with the next great thing that tickles her excitement bone.

You're right. Where she has gone and what she has done to herself is almost beyond recognition. It is not your cross to carry, nor is it healthy for you to want to carry it.

It's time to let go. You guys (her especially) are so far removed from any pragmatic and sincere R that to even contemplate that now is only f**king with your own emotions.

She has a long way to go to fix herself before either of you should think about fixing your marriage.

BTW, to answer your own question, she doesn't think you'll go through with it because she senses her "tactics" are working on you, and melting your hard (Sham 2.0) edges into an again maleable substrate.
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Old 10-06-2011, 09:57 PM   #589 (permalink)
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Nobody says "it doesn't matter now, we're getting divorced" three times and means it. Translation: "I'd like it to matter, and I'd be willing to talk about it if only we can dispense with this whole ugly idea of divorce."

Fact of the matter is it DOES matter because it DID matter when the two of you were (still are) married. She effed up as a person and as a wife, and just because you're leaving doesn't mean she should shy away from cutting to the chase. If she had any respect and/or love for you it WOULD STILL MATTER TO HER to tell you the things to which she alludes.

Saying "it doesn't matter now" is a cop out and an childish attempt at training a dog. She's waiting for YOU to say "c'mon honey, really, tell me, it might make a difference."

I know you know this already, but after the events of the last couple of days I thought the loving need to pound you over the head with this so you can realize she is still trying to manipulate and operate from a position of power even though she has none.

Happy Meds!!!
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:06 PM   #590 (permalink)
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Curious why she would think I wouldn't go through with the D, after playing such a hard game when I left...maybe because she hasn't seen Mk II in action (face to face) until almost 2 weeks ago?
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You left tough. Past week and a half she makes a request, you provide it. She cancels, you feel sad. I honestly would have been surprised if you wouldn't have R'd in the next week had you not foud new texts. Even now you're looking for a glimmer of hope when what excited you as a warm exchange and her opening up was sad and self-serving. I hope for your sake she goes back on the road and leaves you alone.
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:30 PM   #591 (permalink)
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Frankly I think you are seeing the real person that your stbx has always been. You just have your rose colored glasses removed. I am betting she has always had a piece on the side. I expect that in the past she fueled her hornyness for you with them. She might have contained it for a while but then you were no longer new and thrilling. She has always had her cake and eaten it too, until now. She was hoping to have a life like they write about in Penthouse letters, you showed her that those lifestyles don't work for you. She wants to be a swinger, but without the trust and communication she is just a cheater. I would stay away from her, she is toxic. She is using sex like a drug, and she is an addict.
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:52 PM   #592 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

No matter the path you chose for the future you should text her and tell her you've heard a rumor from two (or more) people that Dirt Bag 2 is showing pictures of her off to his friends.

I'm also thinking that a message be sent to Dirt Bag 2.

She's been scammed again. Maybe this time she will wake up.
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Old 10-06-2011, 11:39 PM   #593 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

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Originally Posted by chapparal View Post
No matter the path you chose for the future you should text her and tell her you've heard a rumor from two (or more) people that Dirt Bag 2 is showing pictures of her off to his friends.

I'm also thinking that a message be sent to Dirt Bag 2.

She's been scammed again. Maybe this time she will wake up.


There's some sense here. She needs to know that you know that she is a SERIAL CHEATER. Games over. No more chances. From this point, it should be easier to ignore her and get that divorce done, move on with your life.

You should only consider an R, when she is continually doing the heavy lifting of the relationship. You know what that means. We've beat it into your head already. The only person lifting at all right now, is you. This is sad. Maybe its time for you to start dating - not courting for marriage, but enough to know there is other women out there who'd not betray you like this.

You are almost there Sham. We are pulling for ya.
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Old 10-06-2011, 11:58 PM   #594 (permalink)
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No matter the path you chose for the future you should text her and tell her you've heard a rumor from two (or more) people that Dirt Bag 2 is showing pictures of her off to his friends.

I'm also thinking that a message be sent to Dirt Bag 2.

She's been scammed again. Maybe this time she will wake up.
I think this is stellar idea. Re-confirms that you know when she does ****ty things but does so in way where you're looking out for her reputation/welfare. Leaves options open.

I'm not as outraged as you or others are by her behavior with d-bag. You were out of the picture. She was - for all intents and purposes - a true free agent. Certainly shows no remorse for destroying the relationship you had with her, I agree.

I thought dialogue with her would be good to obtain closure. I would remain guarded in thinking long-term R. If she's still on the road for work, how could you trust her?

Last edited by MarriedTex; 10-07-2011 at 12:00 AM. Reason: Eliminated Stupid Idea
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Old 10-07-2011, 12:28 AM   #595 (permalink)
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There's some sense here. She needs to know that you know that she is a SERIAL CHEATER. Games over. No more chances. From this point, it should be easier to ignore her and get that divorce done, move on with your life.

You should only consider an R, when she is continually doing the heavy lifting of the relationship. You know what that means. We've beat it into your head already. The only person lifting at all right now, is you. This is sad. Maybe its time for you to start dating - not courting for marriage, but enough to know there is other women out there who'd not betray you like this.

You are almost there Sham. We are pulling for ya.
I agree, at the moment in my head, and what I'm posting here, I'm doing the lifting. What she knows is entirely different (unless my 180 has been a complete failure, which I would dispute).

I somehow put myself into a position of convincing her it's okay to tell me what's on her mind, with one or two statements a week ago...she has just now started trying. Certainly not "heavy" lifting, but lifting nonetheless. It's at least *something* from her, hence it got my attention, and it came from her, she started the conversation. I haven't been begging her for this (I've been ranting here and to my therapist, but she gets Danny Ocean from me), I told her once last week that of course the last few months have been totally ***ed, and if she wants to talk about what happened, she has my number.

So she called my number...and wanted to talk. I let her talk because that's what I'd told her I would do. I was surprised. Guess the momentary satisfaction dug into me more than I expected, and while I showed her a relaxing evening by paying attention to what she was saying, I didn't go any where stupid and start talking about the old days or what we can do to fix this. I just assured her I wanted to hear what she had to say.

Serial cheater? Yeah, her recent behavior is off the rails and it blows my mind. Whether she's done this for years, I just can't speculate. All I know is how our marriage *felt* until June. And if it hadn't been for gut feelings, I'd never have found this forum and figured out what was going on. So I'm just going with my gut that this is primarily a recent thing, at least as far as behavior...can't say what was going on in her mind earlier though. Maybe my gut isn't always right in the end, but so far by the odds, I'd say worth following.

Yesterday it said "Hey, she might be coming around"...today it says "Who the h*ll is this woman really?". Wonder about tomorrow.

Last edited by Shamwow; 10-07-2011 at 12:32 AM.
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Old 10-07-2011, 05:28 AM   #596 (permalink)
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You remind me so much of my brother. A long time ago he found his wife cheating blatantly on him. She would throw him a crumb and he'd get his hopes up. This went back and forth for some time until he met another lady. Well until he met this polar opposite really decent lady, he thought what he had with his ex was decent and just needed work. It's like the boiled frog analogy. If you throw the frog in boiling water, it's such a shock it hops out. If you put the frog in and slowly boil the water, it slowly gets used to the tempurature and stays til it's boiled. You're used to the boiling water. That's why these totally self-serving pathetic attempts from her are a big deal for you. You've learned to not expect better from her (slowly getting adjusted to the boiling water). From the outside, some of us are shocked and outraged (we hopped in the boiling water), because you are conditioned to her crap.
I know it's your life and you not me must live with the outcome, but I haven't seen anything from her that shows she's thinking of anyone but herself.
My wish for you is that you end up like my brother. Away from the toxic woman and meet someone new (eventually) that is like a breath of fresh air. Recently in total happiness my brother has said to me that until this relationship, he hadn't realized that being with someone didn't have to be so f'en hard.

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Old 10-07-2011, 05:53 AM   #597 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

Don't be too hard on yourself Sham. You have played this better than anyone I have ever seen. Even the best pros don't always bring their A game. You had a small fumble but you recovered the ball. Start moving the ball down the field again. Look forward not back. You da man, keep doing what your doing just learn from your mistake you'll be fine bro!
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:30 AM   #598 (permalink)
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I think she does feel the divorce is a fore gone conclusion. And reaching out to the other man is a woman acting out of desperation. Fortunately he has played her for a fool. The reason I suggested you tell her it was a rumor was so she might save a little self respect.

I also believe she would like to reconcile,realizing what she has done, but sees no hope because of the 180. You may have to throw her a bone to get her to admit it.

How you would ever acertain her validity however is all on you. Keep spying? Tricky
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Old 10-07-2011, 08:59 AM   #599 (permalink)
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Default Re: Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

But all speculations to the side, it is what you decide and you want to do. And to answer your question regarding my post, I think she thought she could do whatever she wanted without you there, and her true colors are coming through. So here is a tough question, What do you really want? Think of the pros and cons and be honest with yourself.
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Old 10-07-2011, 09:14 AM   #600 (permalink)
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You remind me so much of my brother. A long time ago he found his wife cheating blatantly on him. She would throw him a crumb and he'd get his hopes up. This went back and forth for some time until he met another lady. Well until he met this polar opposite really decent lady, he thought what he had with his ex was decent and just needed work. It's like the boiled frog analogy. If you throw the frog in boiling water, it's such a shock it hops out. If you put the frog in and slowly boil the water, it slowly gets used to the tempurature and stays til it's boiled. You're used to the boiling water. That's why these totally self-serving pathetic attempts from her are a big deal for you. You've learned to not expect better from her (slowly getting adjusted to the boiling water). From the outside, some of us are shocked and outraged (we hopped in the boiling water), because you are conditioned to her crap.
I know it's your life and you not me must live with the outcome, but I haven't seen anything from her that shows she's thinking of anyone but herself.
My wish for you is that you end up like my brother. Away from the toxic woman and meet someone new (eventually) that is like a breath of fresh air. Recently in total happiness my brother has said to me that until this relationship, he hadn't realized that being with someone didn't have to be so f'en hard.

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This is similar to my own story. I spent 2 years trying to R with my ex wife before I finally had enough. I have now been remarried for 16 years to someone who takes her vows seriously. I look at my ex now and wonder what I ever saw in her. She is much older now and has nothing to show for her entire life but broken promises and regrets. At the time though I was in a slow boil.
You have talked about trusting your gut. When you started to post about warming up to your STBXW my gut was screaming, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! DON"T DO IT SHAM!!!!!!! I've learned to trust my gut the hard way and it rarely lets me down. I think you know in your gut what you have to do, but I know it sucks. You have an incredible character and unfortunately she does'nt deserve to be the recipient of it. Go with your gut and I assure you that someday you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in her. F*** her, you deserve better! Stand strong Sham.

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