Shamwow

Ah, You didn't ask if I'd determined a desired outcome...if that's the question, no I hadn't. Probably why I still have a thread 6 1/2 weeks after leaving W with divorce papers.

Gabriel

Congrats on the closure. Looks like the road is clear now. Once this is done you can focus on something OTHER than your stbxw.

Dadof3

quite interesting, Sham, that in short-selling the house - she'll take the financial hit - declare bankruptcy to pass this burden on to the "rest of us" - all because she wondered if there could be something for DBag McGee. Talk about never having experienced REAL consequences! I truly hope she gets a hard nosed judge who can see through this BS!

Shamwow

True...true. Thanks.

krismimo

Ok sorry If I'm having a slow moment, so that means what now? Your going to sign off on the house? Or you are sigining off on the house but shes not going to like it? I don't know much about housing so sorry for being redundant. And thank you god you didn't sleep wiith her I say that only because I dont think you would have felt so hot after the fact. I think her Ve jay jay would have tried to eat you alive whole, like little shop of horrors Feed me seymore feed me!!!!!

Almostrecovered

if it's any consolation sham, I'd date you if I was gay and you were gay and I knew who you were in real life and if I wasn't married and you changed to being a Phillies fan

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My story

piqued

Sham, sorry 'bout this. I know you have residual feelings for your wife, but you need a 2x4 to your head some times.

As I've mentioned at different points in this thread, your wife is what she is. And what she is is a master manipulator. You are in her sights only when it benefits HER for you to be there. When anything else tickles her fancy (OM, hotel guy, HS dude, "sorting herself out", sexting, playing the victim, financial escape (house sale) she drops you like a hot potato. She's been doing this for quite some time. Keeping you around to pay the bills while she searches for an exit strategy. Withholds sex from you (her husband) because her libido is being satiated through sexting, pic sharing, and finally f**king someone else.

OK, here comes the 2x4...BANG...what the hell is it gonna take for you to recognize that you are not her lover, not the love of her life, not her life partner, and certainly not her friend? She uses you, hurts you, drops you....before the affair, during the affair, and now after the affair. To use your line "rinse and repeat". C'mon. Sure, you say you have closure now and oh now you know better, but that's what you said after the last frying pan made contact with your skull last week. Next thing you're over there holding hands and partaking in mind games. So, why is this gonna be different, Sham? And that is a question you have to answer to yourself for yourself. What's going to happen when she comes home next week (or next month) and she needs/wants you around for something? What's going to happen when you're invited over, or when she is playing nice and wetting your appetite again?

It's over, it's been over, and you keep allowing yourself to be used. If you are Sham 2.0 and want an R then own up to it, give her your conditions and MAKE NO PROMISES. Figuratively speaking, she has to lick the dirt off your feet to get you back, instead you are giving signals all she has to do is shoo a fly away from your shoulder.

If you want R, tell her the terms. 95% liklihood she won't agree; and even if she does after the first week she'd try and move the goalpost.

I'm sorry you love her; that is evident. I'm sorry this part of life hasn't been fair because you seem like a good, stand-up guy. But, you've been f&*ked, and you keep bending over for more. It is over, you just keep trying to convince yourself it might not be....sort of like in dumb and dumber where JC goes "so you're saying I've got a chance."

Damn, I like you Sham, and don't mean to be harsh. But you need that 2x4, even if you think this is all stuff you already know you still need it because your emotions keep playing tricks on you. Or, more succintly, your wife keeps playing tricks with your emotions.

Good luck, but GET OUT!

krismimo

Although I don't agree with everything PQ has said I do agree with a lot of it.....

Shamwow

Me too. When will I ever learn? Hopefully NOW, now that she has made it clear she just wants to sign and be done.

I guess this may be the point where I will just have to tell her not to contact me anymore. It's not about posturing anymore, it's about giving myself the divorce that I said I wanted, and as a result doing the same for her.

Can I promise anything to you guys when it comes to my heart? Clearly not. I could for her though...that's why I've had so much trouble letting go.

Yes, I've had some episodes with her recently, and it has messed with my head. But I know she's all screwed up too. The difference is I'm doing something about it for myself, as roundabout as it may seem from my updates here. I'm in the best shape I've been in since I was 19, I'm in therapy dealing with self-esteem and nice guy issues that clearly should have been addressed years ago, I'm standing up for myself by leaving and filing, and while I secretly pined for a Disney ending, it was not realistic. I've always known that. Doesn't make it any easier to ignore. I ignored her for 3 straight weeks when I left, it was liberating. And the hardest thing I've ever done (or probably will do in my lifetime again - geez I hope so). It physically pained me...I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about.

So we move forward as efficiently as possible with the divorce now. R be damned, it's not in the cards, at least not with a hard-headed stubborn ______ (you guys throw in whatever you want here) like her. She would go to her grave before owning her actions. And she very well may. Not to over-dramatize, but I suspect she will drink her way through what should be her recovery period, not solve anything for herself, be used and abused by a bunch of rejects who can talk their way into her pants over the next few years, and will never seek therapy until she hits bottom. And then it'll probably be court ordered. Then she'll start looking for a guy remarkably similar to me. I don't wish these things for her. I really don't. You know I don't.

My point is regardless of how many 2x4's I will require to the head in the future (thanks btw), I'm rally trying to take it on myself and deal with it, slipups and all. Yes she'll be back this weekend...for 6 days...I think I should be out of town for most of that. I have to try to get back to the place I was when I left her (minus the anger and insanity) and just know I'm doing the right things...

Unsure in Seattle

Yes. You need to begin the process of excising her from your life.

Shamwow

Hey Kris - she's referring to signing off on the divorce, not the house (though I'll have to sign off on that too). So that means fast track to D town.

And as much as I could've nailed her through the wall the other night...I agree with you...just imagine if I had, and it was good. And then she leaves town and emails 2 days later "Can we split assets and finalize this week? Thanks!". Wow, if that had happened this thread would go another hundred pages in a day, mostly from me.

Dadof3

Start by getting a new phone number and only giving it to your lawyer. New email addresses. Don't access the old email / phone numbers again. That will help you build up your fortifications.

Shamwow

And I still don't regret Friday night. May not have been smart, but it was one last hurrah to remember what having a good night with her felt like. Even if it was fake, so be it.
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chapparal

What was fake about it ? Can you explain? It just seems to me that she's going along with what you have been telling her you wanted all along. Reconcilling was never on the table. Realtor says this is what's in your best interest. What did you think she was going to do? You told her you wanted a divorce, never discussed anything else as far as I've read and shes going along with you.

She may have wanted something else but didn't have any hope or just didn't have the guts to approach you with it. It hasn't sounded like you have been approachable at all. Unless there are things you've left out.

krismimo

OHH ok thanks for clerifying Sham. And although I know it is easier said than done, I do respect what you said, this is your life and how you feel how you have to resolve what is going on between you andher so be it. I think the concern is having that door open too long and getting hurt all over again, but sometimes through hurt we learn weather if it is good or bad we learn something.