So, its official the OW is now living in my home. I moved out almost 2 months ago, but it still stings. This is the home my husband and I signed papers for on our honeymoon. Where we made plans for the future. Where we made two babies, and raised one. (I'm currently pregnant).
She's moved her stuff in, put her things on the walls, eventhough the house is on the market. It feels very much to me like staking claim.
My son goes there to visit his dad and now has a "mommy" replacement there too. Its so hard to stay strong and be the mom my son needs. But I know I have to, he doesn't have anyone else putting him first. I know I need to start thinking about me, but wouldn't that be selfish in a situation where my son and soon to be born baby need more more than ever?
The crazy thing is that my STBXH, calls me and tells me that the OW is causing lots of drama, fights with him more days than not, and acts childish about his contact with me. Yet, she is still living there.
I keep hearing from friends, that it isnt going to last much longer. He complains about her all the time (he never complained about me in 10 years). Somehow I keep hoping this is true. I dont really know if its because I want him to want me again, OR if I think this divorce will be more amiable without the additional conflict. I do know it would be much better for my son. He really needs his Daddy right now, and all he's getting is this poor excuse for a father that he has to share with some golddigger.
Like you mentioned, try to keep your focus on being there for your son. I certainly wouldn't worry about her being any kind of "mommy replacement."
Why is he talking to you about the OW? Geez, tell him you aren't interested in knowing about his affairs with her unless it concerns your kids. Or, you can shut him up by listening to it and then end it by saying to him that the guy you have been seeing for the last week has really been getting on your nerves too but that you don't want to talk about it with him; then say goodbye. That'll shut his a$$ up.
I am so sorry. I know that must hurt like hell knowing she is in the home you guys bought together and lived in.
It sounds like all isn't well in paradise for him. Tough luck. Any woan who can move into another woman's home 2 months after she leaves has a couple of screws loose, IMO. It seems unfathomable to me. Nutso!
Is the house still legally yours? Ever thought of inviting a few close girlfriends over for a movie night?
Really though, I'm sorry. A lot of OW are more interested in taking over the BW's life than actually sustaining a relationship with their married men. One day she'll realize she can't simply insert herself into someone else's life. If she's not miserable now she will be. Keep your head up. Posted via Mobile Device
A lot of OW are more interested in taking over the BW's life than actually sustaining a relationship with their married men. One day she'll realize she can't simply insert herself into someone else's life. If she's not miserable now she will be. Keep your head up.
I agree. It's very "Single White Female."
Also, I imagine she prob has a lot of issues with the fact you were the first and your ghost is still felt in the house. They probably row over this. I once read an article about a woman who moved in after the official wif eand she had MAJOR insecurities over living there after The Wife. It was clear how very insecure she was. She kept saying "But I wish i was here first... I hate thinking how she was here before. I feel like her presence is here and wonder where they had sex and etc." I will try to find the article for you. It made me smile
Yeah there is a lot messed up with the situation. I first started talking to him again because I had started to unthaw and felt its healthier for the kids if we are on friendly terms. But he was conflicted about talking with me because he knew it was going to piss off the OW. I mean, we are going to be in each othes lives for at least the next 19 years, its ridicuously to think that we won't talk except for child trade offs. How is that healthy for our kids?
She actually has a sonthe same age as mine, and doesn't have residential custody, nor does she attempt to see him that often. This was one of the first things I found out about her, while I was still trying to save our marriage. My STBXH said that not being a good mom was a deal breaker, but yet obviously not inthe short term.
I keep finding myself trying to understand why he's in this relationship, and why he's acting and puttingup with stuff that I know wouldn't have flown in our relationship. I don't know if its the trying to cope mechanism, or just my own need to understand. I really feel that we were happy, and was completely blind sided by his affair.
I have no doubt that the OW is a horrible person fromw hat I know. But I do feel that I probably should let go of all of this soon.
We have our parenting class for the divorce tomorrow, and I hope they discuss the unhealthiness of involving a significant other into our sons life this early in our separation/divorce. I mean, our son is only now starting to come to terms wiht us living apart. And to have this other situation to confuse him as well sickens me.
So, we had our court ordered parenting class today. I really think it helped me focus a bit on problem areas. Also I'm now sure that our son is regressing a bit from the stress of the situation. :-( Its supposed to be normal and to just see it for what it is, and try to avoid involving him in conflict. It still makes me feel like I could be doing something better, and I know that my STBX should be.
I was happy to hear the counselor express concern for introducing children to significant others while still in the "turmoil" period, and to try to hold off on dating until the divorce is through. I secretely hoped that my H would take this from the neutral party more seriously that he did from me. But I highly doubt that its going to change anything.
I must be a masochist, because after the class he aske dme if I wanted to go to lunch, which I half heartedly agreed to. It was awkward at first, then we did actually talk a bit about some of the assets division. We eventually did talk about the class and just as expected, he focused more on the serial dating aspect than the damage that he is causing.
He flowed more into information about the OW, more stuff I really didn't need to know or help me understand why he is still in the relationship. It did cement the feeling that I definately don't want him back. He's turned into someone else, and I don't really know when or how that happened.
I'm still focusing on my son and the new baby. I know now that the communcation I am giving him about the divorce is good, was also told not to bring up the OW unless my son does in a way that concerns me. Mostly it was recommended to not give to much response or place too much importance on her. When he starts to ask specific questions about the situation then I should address those specifically, honestly, but with only how it affects my son.
I did talk with the STBX about getting more things from the house. He informed me that I could come by, but it had to be when the OW was gone and she couldn't know he was letting me come to MY house. Its ridiculous. He says shes worried I'll damage her things. I definately want to be able to walk through and pick out the things I want to take, and not make a list of crap off my memory. I really don't know why he's so afraid of upsetting her. He used to be the guy that didn't take anything from people, but again not the man I married. He's turned into a frequent liar to avoid conflict, and someone who cares about someone who is everything he hates.
Its almost easier to think that he's died and this alien had replaced him. This is going to be so difficult to raise another child with.
The house is YOURS, right? Like your name is on the title/ded?
if so, you can go to YOUR house whenver you please, whether she is there or not. His request tha tyou only sto pby when she is gone is RIDICULOUS.
I am VERY GLAD you had that lunch with him so that you could see where his head is at...and so that it cemented for you you don't want him back as-is.
Get your things back. She is the one who should feel totally ashamed moving into another woman's house while the man she lives with is STILL MARRIED.
Like I said, it takes a very twisted person to move into someone else's home before any ink is dry. It's sick.
Have you ever seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman? If so, you must rent it STAT. There is a part in that movie where Madeo goes with her granddaughter (or niece) back to the marital home (he has since moved in OW) and they raise hell. Hehehe.
I keep finding myself trying to understand why he's in this relationship, and why he's acting and puttingup with stuff that I know wouldn't have flown in our relationship. I don't know if its the trying to cope mechanism, or just my own need to understand. I really feel that we were happy, and was completely blind sided by his affair. QUOTE]
I'm right there with you on this topic. I made significant changes in myself and sustained them over a period of years. My STBXW even acknowledges them. That over the past few years I became the loving husband and father to our girls she'd dreamed about. WTH!? So why did she continue to waste her time on the OM??? A guy who cheats on his wife and kids. A guy who cheats on my STBXW. A guy who pops in and out of her life with weeks and months in between contact. A guy who told her that he won't be serious with her until she looses weight and gets down to a size 4 or less. I guess I will never understand her attraction and total emotional bond with him.
JellyBeans - My name is on the house. The reason I'm being so civil about it currently is that we had an incident shortly after I moved out. I had told my H that I would let him know when I was coming by (why I have no clue, prob to settle an arguement). Then that weekend I came by to fdrop off mail and foundher car and stuff at my house. I (being pregnant, xtremely hormonal, and under the impression that we were still trying to work things out) reacted horribly and damaged her car a bit. I don't feel bad aout this at all.
However, the police were called and they told me that I shouldn't show up without communicating with my H first, mostly to ensure no additional drama. They also said if I wanted to go tot he house it would be best if I called the sheriffs dept to accompany me.
I already have to go to court for the damage to the vehicle so I don't want to cause any addtional riffs with law enforcement that could harm my case. Crappy that my H allowed her to call the cops in the first place.
My lawyer says as long as there isn't a court order to keep me from the house, they can't tell me I can't go there. Its just whter or not I want to have any additional drama.
maxter - what gets me is that he openly says that he isn't going to deal with her if its going to be that way. But yet, she still lives there. He doesn't have a clue if things will last, but has no problem having her around my son during the turmoil period. He says he wouldn't deal with all of this if he didn't care about her.
In our relationship his complaints were my procrastination, and that he felt I only did things with him to spend time with him, not cause I reallyliked the same things as him. How is it that those "flaws" were enough to warrant an affair and tossing away his family. But lying, tantrums, fights, manipulation, refusal to work, possesiveness are things he can deal with to be with this girl. How can caring feelings override that crap?