Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

Hi everyone,

I am new to this group - so Hello to all!!

Here is my current situation in a nutshell:

Met husband roughly 10 years ago, dated for 7 - married 2 years ago. We've had many ups and downs throughout the entire relationship. We fight (more so bicker\argue) a LOT. Recently my husband had (what was diagnosed as) a panic attack and was prescribed anxiety medication.

I had been dealing with my own "baggage" - depression, and just general unhappiness as well.

About 2 months ago - my husband J mentioned divorce, he was unhappy and uncomfortable around me, and was sick of fighting. Intamacey was also a HUGE issue -- it wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, it was that I was uncomfortable with myself, if that makes sense.

After he metioned this I cried - first came the reverse blame - I was unhappy because he didn't ______ (insert any random comment here)....which I am sure only fueled his fire.

A few more weeks went by, we went out, talked, but it seemed forced some days, and he seemed happy other days.

Mid August - things went down hill - he was back to seemingly hating me -- I had left out home to stay with my mom - we met 2 nights later and he (through his sibling, and yes you read that correctly) informed me he didn't want to work on things, things were hopeless to him -- in other words every sentence was prompted by his sibling. (weird, no?)

It was at this point my enitre being was rocked, and FINALLY took a close look at myself -- did a lot of soul searching, which sounds corney - but it's true. I caused a lot of issues in the relationship - I was beyond selfish, and controlling, and just really didn't listen\support my husband. I freaked out over little things, and instead of discussing issues with him I asked everyone else. These are only a FEW of the issues

J and I had met about 2 weeks ago - alone, and we talked some - I asked if we could separate (which I now agreed we needed) - NOT run to file for divorce, or him sign a year lease at an apt, but to just take some time to let the dust settle and think about things. We had a long chat, which I mentioned some of the above paragraph to him. He seemed to really be surprised, and taking it all in....and he mentioned also that he also hasn't done things right by me either.....He asked how my mom felt about it - and I said that it's no trouble, I've been trying to keep busy, and they have more than enough room. He stated that he really never thought about separation as an option because everyone was telling him the **** or get off the pot (pardon the expression) - myself included - and I said yes, because emotions were running really high, and that's what happens - but stepping back and thinking about things gives more perspective. He said he'd think about it. We haven't really talked at all except for something iniatied by me regarding bills. I felt very hopeful after that chat. And for the few weeks after....he had sent me a warm response to an email - and said sounds good (to talking again towards the end of this month to see where things are at).

Well - since then I've been feeling less hopeful for us working things out, and I don't know why. I needed to email him regarding financial stuff the other day, and he was back to being very standoffish, to the point he didn't "figure out the talking stuff" yet.

I miss my home and my husband - and being very honest - I truly feel that if he will just give us a chance, we can work things out beautifully. It may sound niave - but I believe it with all my heart - I've come to terms with a lot of things about myself in the last couple months as to the terrible partner I was (both to him and my own friends).....

So -- fellow board members, after all of that - where do I go from here....mainly how can I "get my foot in the door" with him again...is there a shot? I just cannot give up on 10 years, intertwined families, friends, a home.

Side notes, main issues for us were financial based, other than that intamacey (sex for him, romance for me).

Thanks all for taking the time to read this lengthy post!!
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Old 09-14-2011, 12:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

So you're separated now...move back home.
Go back. Try to work things out.
Be advised: If you do end up in divorce it can be considered "abandonment" that you left the home.
And--hopef for the best, prepare for the worst. If he decides ultimately that hewants out, unfortunately there is nothing you will be able to do but concede.
Start exercising, get a new haircut and surround yourself with a new support system.
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

No worries there with the home - law here is very black and white as far as that stuff.

Here's the thing - I can't just go back home -- can I?? I agreed to leave for awhile - initially to allow him time to find an apt...then after or last face to face chat, to allow time for us both to think about things before rash decisions are made.

Right now is sort of limbo land. And I was wondering if there is anyway to start working on getting him to let me back into his world...he told me that he just feels hopeless about us - (truth be told, I was a rotten person to live with) - but I now (through therapy, and other support) I've climbed out of depresion back to the great person I was.

So now do I play the waiting game....or is there some way to get him to see things can be reconsiled.....
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

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Originally Posted by JennaLynne View Post
No worries there with the home - law here is very black and white as far as that stuff.

Here's the thing - I can't just go back home -- can I?? I agreed to leave for awhile - initially to allow him time to find an apt...then after or last face to face chat, to allow time for us both to think about things before rash decisions are made.

Right now is sort of limbo land. And I was wondering if there is anyway to start working on getting him to let me back into his world...he told me that he just feels hopeless about us - (truth be told, I was a rotten person to live with) - but I now (through therapy, and other support) I've climbed out of depresion back to the great person I was.

So now do I play the waiting game....or is there some way to get him to see things can be reconsiled.....
Does he know you've been in therapy working on your depression? If not, that may be a foot in the door as far as letting him know you're owning up to some personal failings...and that you've realized as things have become more clear, that your marriage is so important to you that you want to continue your self-improvement and work with him to do the same and try to set the marriage right. (at least that's what I'd love to hear as a guy)

He might see it as too little too late, in which case, I'm sorry...that's each person's call to make. You said he was lacking in many areas of the marriage too...romance, etc..you have a right to feel let down too, so don't take this all on yourself.

I wouldn't just move back without giving it some more time, but if I were you I might see if he was up for lunch, or coffee sometime next week, no big deal. If he meets you, keep it fairly short, try to keep the topics light and not based on how to fix things. When he asks how you're doing, feel free to mention you're feeling good, even that you've talked to someone about your depression, etc and are in a good place on that front. Then change the subject. Shows you are working hard on yourself, you care about him enough to include him in that thought process (ie, you miss him), but aren't going to dwell on problems and make it a miserable lunch. JMHO...good luck, feel for you...
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

[QUOTE=Shamwow;424073]Does he know you've been in therapy working on your depression? If not, that may be a foot in the door as far as letting him know you're owning up to some personal failings...and that you've realized as things have become more clear, that your marriage is so important to you that you want to continue your self-improvement and work with him to do the same and try to set the marriage right. (at least that's what I'd love to hear as a guy)QUOTE]

My answer is "sort of" - he knows I've been seeing a therapist - which started a few weeks before the initial I want a divorce chat back in July....then came the weeks of rollercoaster spouse behavior....which led to his brother coming in town and basically telling me J didn't want to work on things, he was done. J sort of took that stance, but it's been his brother who's been the catalyst per say. I have no doubt that J was frustrated with me to the point of something needed to be done - but it is very frustrating that his brother is taking all the initiave.

Things seemed hopeful when he and I talked face to face after that - about 2 weeks ago. Seemed to hear me when I offered some of what you said - but not sold on it...and agreed to THINK about just staying separated for now....

No word on where his head is at and I just have a bad bad feeling about his brother (brother is shady, basically takes advantage, and when I say that I mean he steals from family, now living in J & I's home FREE, etc etc.....). I don't know how to get through to J that this can work now that we've both come to terms what we each have done wrong. But maybe you are right - maybe is is just too late for J -- I guess I don't understand the fiddling around on his part then.....

When did life get so complicated???
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

YOu asked if you can "just move back--Can i?"

I dont know--can you?

If he wants the marriage, you both have to work at it together.
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

I don't know either -- our home is 1 bedrm...and I am not sure forcing myself back in is the right thing. That's why I am asking for opinions
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Old 09-14-2011, 03:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

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I don't know either -- our home is 1 bedrm...and I am not sure forcing myself back in is the right thing. That's why I am asking for opinions
Right as rain. What's he going to do? Throw you out? Move out himself? I doubt it. Forgive him in person for everything he has done. Apologize directly to him for everything you have done. Accept responsibility for your marriage. Ask him what he's holding against you and apologize again for what's left. Smile a lot, fix breakfast, do stuff for him and he'll see the value of having you around pretty quick. I am completely confident that you can figure out how to get back in with someone you've been with for 10 years
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Old 09-14-2011, 04:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

10YR --- We tried this in the interim few weeks between initial "I want a divorce" in July and again in mid August --- that was when some days were great, and others he was visably uncomfortable around me and at home.

Now granted - I hadn't realized yet all of the things that I did wrong on my part yet, which I now a light bulb went on and made me go - whoa - what a B I was....

Do you think that giving it a few more weeks would be to an advantage - since we initally agreed to do that.

Sorry this is so confusing BTW.

Points he made are: Feels like things won't stay good with me, feels hopeless about our future, and uncomfortable around me.

No one can see the future, but man, to me ****canning 10 years and a family he adores (mine) and mutual friends, etc seems so drastic.....for a couple that although we fought a lot, there was ZERO abuse of ANY kind, and no affairs. I dunno -- at a loss of what's going on with him.
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Old 10-29-2012, 12:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsure of what to do (husband ready to call it quits)

Wow I feel like I'm reading my own post. No cheating, no abuse, no money problem... it's absolutely all "me" who is not making him happy. I know it's a late post but how did it turn out for you guys? I'm going thorough this right now. If you guys did decide to work it out what did you start doing differently?
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Old 10-29-2012, 12:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Still Looking Up:

Wow - this was a blast from the past ---

Disclaimer: I am NOT a therapist...I can only tell you what I've experienced.

My EX husband and I have been formally divorced since last month. I filed in January. He had been cheating since the spring before he mentioned the initial "I think I want a divorce" -- it was a long process....he (still) believes he had the right to cheat, and that it was my "job" to keep him happy. Laughable looking back at it really.

It was a long journey for me to go through the grieving process....and at the end of it I realized it wasn't me at all. He chose to stop contributing to our marriage, and when he felt neglected he felt it was OK to cheat....and then shamelessly lie to my face about it.

Our marrige was beyond repair - it just took me too long to realize....wasted my own time really.

10 to 1 it's not you. it's your spouse not owning up to his\her own short comings....any relationship is a two way street, one has to give to receive and so one\so forth.

Best of luck to you!!
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Old 10-29-2012, 12:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
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oh I don't know if I should feel sorry or happy for you that the divorce is final, since you sound healthy now. I admire that. I felt so connected to your post I'd hoped to see a happy ending (reconciling) in it but yeah I didn't see that cheating coming. Like you said everyone's situation is different, idk what would happen to our case but I'm holding my hope high since I know my husband absolutely takes his part of the blame why we are in this. Thank you for the update and wish you all the best!
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Old 10-30-2012, 09:25 AM   #13 (permalink)
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BE HAPPY --- in 72 point font!! What I learned through my experience is that my "husband" never gave a d*** about me, or anyone but himself. I was blind to it for so long, and wasted nearly a 1/3 of my life hoping he'd change....well he is who he is, and I am thankful I came across those racy detailed emails. Funniest part -- the "girl" is married too. Still is to my knowledge....so much for him creating a life with her.

Yes, love can test people, but it should never make you feel unwanted, or neglected.

I wish you the best of luck in your situation!!
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