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Wife filed for divorce...

30K views 189 replies 25 participants last post by  Anewlife 
#1 ·
I am 40 I was with my wife 13 years. married 5. No kids. Joint mortgage for 10 years. We've had financial problems for years. I was verbally abusive towards here family. I had anger issues, punched walls etc. I went on medication and solved problems. But we grew apart. I didn't provide the atention she deserved. Recently she starting drinking and going out with friends. She was even drunk at my family outings. She has suffered from depression from her childhood because her father abandoned her and later on in life at age 17 her "dad" was murdered. I sensed distance. We were to go on a weekend trip with another couple but could afford to kennel dogs and I allowed her to go. When the other couple arrived there was a single man in the car. I let her go because I trusted her and the other couple. Unkown to me she had an emotional affair with 1000's of texts with the guy. 2 weeks later she left for a weekend and said she wasn"t coming home. He was there. She came back home and wrote and emotionaless 9 page letter give our marriage 6 months. Thats was Sunday. The following week was bliss. I took my mother out of state for high school reunion and she left. 2 days later filed for divorce. She has removed all belongings from house and moved in with her mother to find her "self worth." I started gym and I work full time and started school at night. 13 hours days. She lets the dogs out during day. She recently emailed and said she will let dogs out but wants no contact and NOTHING from the relationship but her "self worth." It's been a month, I am going to counseling and am on a couple antidepressants. I realized my problems and I am fixing them, I am fixing me. Should I even care about her and us? Should I just move on? Mutual friends have confirmed her EA never became physical....he's just a "nice guy" I miss her dearly....do I?....or just because I am alone in a house. Oh yeah, she ahs refused to pay 1/2 of mortgage. Help!!!
 
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#2 ·
Most of your questions will be answered for you in the near future. Maintain the mortgage. get a quit claim signed by her. Protect yourself. Counseling is good, if it's for YOU. You arent going to fix her passive aggressive nature. Nor her depression and whatever childhood event she decides to blame that on. She's doing what has been called "geographing" but in an inner sense. Gym, school, is she tanning or coloring her hair or changing her wardrobe, etc.?

One more thing: you have no obligation to "fix" yourself for her. Fix yourself for YOU. And Good luck and God bless you.
 
#5 ·
No he isn't and I am afraid you are right....I just couldn't see my dear sweet wife doing that and she denies it to this day...her brother said all she does is cry...it's the only thing that makes sense we you look at it. I am total mess...a shell of the man I was two months ago. She blames me not "trusting her" as 1/3 of the reason she left...the other 2; communication and things I've said about her family. We had a wonderful week together after the first weekend she left...could it be guilt because she screwed the guy and then came home and screwed me?
 
#7 ·
well cheaters will blame shift and attempt to validate their affair. The truth is that there is not one reason to cheat.

She could have approached you about the marriage and how unhappy she was

yet she chose to have an EA instead and you can be damn sure it's PA by now. Do damage control among your mutual friends and family and expose her affair for starters.
 
#9 ·
Mutual friends (I trust) have said there is no PA from the EA...it's all about me ignoring her emotional needs...she never sat me down and said "if things don't change....." I want to be angry....I don't want to miss her.....after she left it took me and my boss (a pillar of strength through this ordeal) 8 hours to clean the house? How did I not even realize the filth I was living in? I was 244 lbs....here 3 weeks later I weigh 217. Been in the gym...best shape of my life...back to college at night to finish degree...I am scared ****less on what to even say to another woman after 13 years....I am 40 and want at least one child..I have never been so lost in my life.
 
#15 ·
Mutual friends (I trust) have said there is no PA from the EA...it's all about me ignoring her emotional needs...she never sat me down and said "if things don't change....."
Because she is LYING to them so she can justify her actions to your friends
 
#10 ·
Here's her last communication from Monday September 12th....

Honestly, I picked up my last belongings, I probably have a few things in the kitchen......and I will walk the dogs during lunch time until you are done with school....I can no longer have any contact with you. Please respect my wishes and please know I want nothing but my self worth back from this relationship.
Thank you for listening.
 
#14 ·
You can bet this goes back for a while. This is usually how it goes. Just keep your head up and you will get through it. It feels like its going to kill you but it will only make you stronger. Its probably the worse thing most of us have been through but we are here for you. Don't let her see you hurting, do not beg or plead with her or none of that stuff just tell her ok I will sign the divorce papers and act like it dont phase you. I know its easier said than done but you can do this.
 
#16 ·
EA is worse than PA in my book. She probably did check out a long time ago. The woman I loved and married is dead. What else can she do to get through my head it's over. Oh yeah, I got the old, I love you but I'm not in love with you cowardly statement. Do snakes like this ever come slithering back?
 
#18 ·
Sometimes they do attempt to come back but by the time that happens you will not want her back. Don't be waiting for her to come back get this over and start living your life and if she comes back guess what the ball is in your court but me personally would you want to take a chance and go through this again? Me personally I cannot endure the hell Ive been through a second time so no thank you.
 
#19 ·
So how did he just happen to be in the car that picked her up? How is it he was known to thus mutual couple ?

You bet it's been going on a while and he is clearly working her to leave you and it's working.

So let him have her. As a wise poster said, let her go.

Shes already gone anyway, so don't chase her. Instead cut off contact and especially cut off any money see has access too. Expose to her family.

There is a chance btw that she has gotten pregnant by him. Her sudden urgency to ditch you is very suspicious, what is motivating her?

Also, hire a PI and find everything you can about the OM
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#21 ·
I hope she's not pregnant. I had unprotected sex with her the week she came back. She made me where condoms for a LONG time when we met. She is crazy and depressed..not stupid. Phone records show no activity with this clowns number prior to trip. I was invited to go on the trip. Just couldnt afford to kennel dogs.
 
#23 ·
She went out with him months ago to "hook" him up with her friend. I didn't feel like going out. He ended up sleeping in my basement. I should have known then. It was awkward driving him home the next day. I am a fool for trust a woman so much. I've known the other couple longer than my wife. Total betrayal all around.
 
#24 ·
I've learned something here. When she came home to work things out, I confronted here about the trip...the texting....she said what has she ever done to make me think she would do something like that. She said don't blame someone else for problems we've had for a long time. The classic deflect blame tactic. I printed out the phone bill showing all the texting. How do 2 36 year olds text over 1000 times. I'll bring that folder to court for sure.
 
#26 ·
Hey you were not a fool you done what you felt just as many of us have. Your suppose to be able to trust the person your married too but in a lot of cases its not a good thing no more. People dont take marriage as serious as they use too.

And yes bring all the evidence you can too court, also if she is pregnant get a paternity test if that ever came out that she was. I feel your pain and know exactly what your going through my wife done same thing moved out then a couple weeks later wanted a divorce. I did not argue at all and just went and filed. Im sorry but im the type if I have to fight to keep you or expose you and make you feel bad about something because you couldnt remain faithful in the first place then I dont need that kind of person in my life I will just cut my losses no matter how much it hurts.
 
#27 ·
#28 · (Edited)
Thanks Stonewall, just dealing with the reality that came my way, as Anew unfortunately is now.

I had the same thoughts reading this just now, so similar to my situation. Similar ages (within 4-5 yrs), no kids, 2 dogs, EA gone physical, complete denial from my STBXW that she did anything wrong (still denying, at least to me), deflecting her A that she wasn't admitting to any personal failings of mine she could come up with in the midst of confrontation (crying, saying how no one could love her or find her attractive - wtf I tried to b*ng her everyday for 2 months during this), weight loss and feeling like you're crazy, and on and on. Only difference is your W left first...which my W would've done if I hadn't caught on to her game. (for the record, I've since told her I won't pay half the mortgage as well, that's the way it goes)

So...she says she has self worth issues...heard the same from my W days after she finally slept with the D-Bag. Guessing the same happened to you my friend, sorry. She has no self worth because she knows she's acting horribly, NOT because of you or your marriage. Don't believe it for a second, as hard as it is.

I've only been moved out for a few weeks but I'm already getting used to not trusting anything she says, she's not the same girl. Treat her as such. You want to forgive her. DON'T. Would she forgive you if it were reversed? (thanks Jellybeans for that) Unless she does massive heavy lifting to regain your trust. If you ask her home or tell her it's okay what she did, you will lose more respect from her (and for yourself) and any reconciliation will be even harder. Treat her as if she's a doppelgänger in your wife's body. She is. She thinks she loves the OM. She may.

Get yourself tested for STDs immediately and don't even consider sleeping w your W, if she for some reason throws herself at you out of the blue. Tell her "after the other guy I wouldn't touch you with my ten foot pole."

She asked "what have I done to make you doubt me like this?" (paraphrasing) say, "ummm, THIS. Texting with, giving your emotional bond to, giving our intimate marital details to, and sleeping w another man." That's what she did to make you doubt.

You're lonely...I hear ya. I miss the s**t out of my wife, but she's not there anymore, the affair has changed her. Remember that, miss the great girl you married, but try not to miss her as she is now. Please, it's hard, but save yourself at least a little pain and remember that SHE caused this. We all can look back and see our own failings and things we'd like to have done better, but you didn't give up and cheat. She did. Give her the consequences that go with that. It's a world of s**t right now, but at least I know I'm doing the right thing and being the man in charge...not the OM. Did that with the advice I received here as well as from my therapist (are you seeing one yet?). Do the same, sounds like your instincts are serving you well so far, keep it up man.
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#29 · (Edited)
Oh, and sorry, but those "friends" that took her on a couples' weekend with the OM? They are not your friends. They are her friends. Don't have to be a dck to them or anything, just don't hang out with them anymore, if at all possible. If they call to ask how you're doing, just say "Fine, thanks for asking", and then ask them how work's going (or something).

I'm dealing with lots of mutual "couples friends" and it's like navigating a minefield. If you're really close with any of them, definitely don't shut them out, but don't try to open up to all of them, or tell them too much about the pain you're in, they know you're in pain. If you break down to them, that may get relayed to your W. And while part of you may want her to know how much you care (I have these thoughts all the time), it won't do you any good right now as long as she's in love with the d-bag.

Guys - any ideas on breaking up the affair? My wife's OM was married, so that was pretty easy to do by contacting the OMW. If he's not married, what can Anew do? Do they work together? Workplace rules being broken? Does he have a gf (besides your W)?

Do you know for sure that she has filed for D (as in you've been served)? If not, she may just be telling you that. If that's the case, YOU go ahead and file.
 
#30 ·
She definately filed I was served. She came with her family and got all her stuff last Sunday. Her family helped. They are quite upset. My stbxw acdted tough loading truck then started bawling before she left. I can't stomach the though of any of this. 2 months ago I was a happily married man.
 
#34 ·
No. It was a "loaner" until she was up for a free one. I went online and was shocked to see over 2000 texts in the last month. One number stood out for more than half of the, So I *67 the number at 6:00. Voicemail came on and said, "hello this is Bill..." She was texting him the week she came home BEFORE and AFTER we had sex....sometimes until 1:50am while I was sleeping. I am getting very angry right now rehashing this!
 
#36 ·
I don't think I would want to even know. It's been 5 weeks...I am slowly healing. Keeping the house...while she cries at mom's. She was closer to my mother than my 3 sisters. She walked out on that too. We had money problems but my father left behind a considerable estate. I can't can't get a handle on this. Yes I was far from perfect and didn't meet her "emotional" needs, probably played Black Ops too much....but it wasn't anything major that couldn"t be worked out. I shares 13 years...1/3 of my life with her!
 
#38 · (Edited)
Ride it out man, it's really really hard...I'm having a bad morning myself, you get more used to it, as much as that concept sucks.

Let her cry at her mom's...things will firm up in both of your heads eventually and hopefully she'll want to talk then, at least a little, as I guarantee she misses you too. My guess is she's crying over herself right now, or the OM - my W was a wreck for weeks after what I later found out was a huge spat with D-Bag. And after I left, I know she told a friend that she's been crying because she effed things up with the OM, and that soon she'll probably be devastated at losing ME. Not what I wanted to hear in terms of order, but puts the mindset into perspective.

I guess try not to dwell on all the little (and big) things you may have been able to do better. That's marriage, that's pretty much everyone, though I imagine many people make serious changes the next time around (I plan to). Who knows, maybe make a list of all the things you'd change about your behavior over the years, seeing it all in front of you might help to get it off your chest. Then put it in a drawer and watch some TV or go to the gym.

Keep posting here, helps with the sanity.
 
#39 ·
Also, I know what you mean about not wanting to see the actual texts...but it helped me for a while to remember why we were in this boat. When things get heavy I could just glance at that stuff (still can, though it's been a while), it would make me so angry that I didn't feel sad or guilty anymore. Remember, you weren't perfect, but she gave up on herself, you and your marriage by having an A. So if you could get that sim card, it might actually be therapeutic, at least for a little while. Remind you of the things she did to firebomb your marriage...not you.
 
#48 ·
Again Sham nails it. For everything there is a time. Now is the time for anger. As much as it hurts you need the anger to displace the sadness. Its easier for you to deal with anger than sadness plus it adds perspective. You can't just look at it as being sad she is gone you must remember why she is gone.
 
#40 ·
Thanks for all the support. I am enjoying this sense of "company" while in a world of loneliness. Ironically her brother called and said "give her some time...don't chase her now." I suppose the EA went PA but people I truly, truly, truly trust said now way, he was just there at the right time and place and took advantage of a depressed, emotional woman. There were tons of texts but zero phone calls (probably because he was WITH her) What's the differance anyway, and EA is an opening of heart, mind and soul...sex is 15 minutes of lust. She tells my friends wife (I 100% trust her) that she's sad and just "trying to be happy." Of what a tangled web they weave!
 
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