Dont give up on yourself
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:56 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Dont give up on yourself

Hi there-
I used to post a lot on this board but stopped, mostly because a lot of the posts on here were so depressing. It breaks my heart to see so many of us in so much pain.

However, I feel the need to remind all of you to NOT give up on yourselves. Just because your marriage may or may not be ending, I promise you that it will not feel like this forever.

My H & I have been apart for 7 months now, and to say it's been hard is an understatement. 2011 has not been a very good year for me in some ways, but in others it has been an amazing year.
I won't lie, I miss my H every single day and wish we could have worked through everything but I realized that the only person I had power over is me.
I could love my H until the cows come home but if he doesn't feel the same then it's pointless. I would want my H to try because he wants to try, not because I begged and pleaded for him to come home.

Take this time to find out what makes YOU happy. Not you as a mother, father, wife, husband, etc. But you as a person. You were someone before your spouse and you'll be someone after them as well.
If your not in counseling, I suggest going. If you are in counseling and not having much progress, then find a different counselor.
I've been seeing a therapist for 9 months now and it has changed my life. I have become a much better woman, mom, friend, etc. By going and really taking this time to work on me.

You owe it to yourselves to be happy. So do whatever it takes to get you there and don't give up because you ARE worth it.
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Old 09-18-2011, 03:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont give up on yourself

Bravo, bravo...applause, applause. Well written and so true. I feel better just reading this, but because I know it is true I feel good about everything that has happened, even if I didn't want it to.
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Old 09-18-2011, 03:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont give up on yourself

Exactly.
I remember when you first started posting here, you were so devastated. We all were in the beginning, I think.
But ...time does heal all wounds.
It may be a long time before I enter into another relationship, but in the mean time I am happy just being by myself.
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Old 09-18-2011, 05:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont give up on yourself

Thank you for the post. A positive post helps. Like a dark cloud's silver lining. I'm not even sure what makes me happy. I am seeing a counselor. Twice now. Not sure how it's supposed to go but it's mostly me talking and him listening. I hope it gets better.
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Old 09-18-2011, 05:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont give up on yourself

If he makes you feel better to have him listen then you are on the right track. Too many times people quit counseling all together if they don't like their counselor and don't try to find a different one.

It will get better. Just take things one day at a time.
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont give up on yourself

I too appreciate your kind words. Even though it's been a fairly short separation period for me (we've been separated since July 22nd) I have noticed a big difference in how I am functioning. We lived together for a month from the time he dropped the D bomb until he moved out and seeing the difference in how I feel now compared to then I'm 85% percent better. I still wish he'd come back and work on us, but like you said, I want him to come back because he wants to, not because it will make me feel better. Heck, I don't even know that it would make me feel better, I just know that I'd like to see if we were to put forth the effort to improve our marriage if it would work. I hate the thought of throwing away the 26 years that we've been together. I can't seem myself with anyone else, I can't see myself alone.

My counseling has been put on hold for insurance reasons, but when that gets all straight I will be back on the couch in no time. I loved my therapist and I think she has some good stuff in store for me. Right now I'm concentrating on making a normal life for my 15 year old son...and I think he's trying to do the same for me. We've really bonded since his dad left and though we were close before, we've become even closer since.

anyway, sorry for the long post just to say thank you for your thoughts and words for all of us here. We can use as much positiveness (is that a word?) that we can get.
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont give up on yourself

Very true words. I am also experiencing a more positive outlook and have noticed when re-rereading my threads I can see how far I have come. In no way do I think I am done but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and no longer think its a train
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I would also like to say thank you for your post. This has been a very hard thing to endure and although its better, some day just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel but one day at a time.
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I will thank you and agree. I stopped posting because it was keeping me in the sad place all the time. I am not doing well, D is progressing but I continue to work in therapy, am developing the relationships in my life, like friends and family. But miss my H every minute of every day.
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Old 09-18-2011, 11:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I too would like to thank you for the post.....I am getting stronger but still have moments....like today..I slowed my postings and reading..... but I have found that I was getting strength here too...
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Old 09-19-2011, 01:51 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thank you for this post. Its been a tough 14 months of marriage and we've been separated more of the time than not. I AM going to counseling, and it is making a huge difference. You are right. I AM an individual and I've somehow lost that. But now, I'm slowly regaining that. I once believed in the sanctity of marriage, I put a lot of stock into what that meant to me. I accepted my husband and I was going to be there for him, to be his everything, and be the stronghold in his life. And the reality is I can't, if he doesn't want me to. And a part of me hopes that one day he truly realizws what he's lost, because the way I see it, is I'm worth so much more, and I'm learning that its HIS lost not mine. He was the world to me, and I was but a burnt out star in the back of his fading memory. And I must learn to stay positive and remember that there was a different world that existed before he took its place. A beautiful world full of life, love, friends, and family. A world of adventure and excitement.
Thank you for this post, it will help me keep searching for that love that existed before my husband, love for myself and my well being!
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
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My wife left me abruptly and filed for divorce after she had an EA (no probably a PA) I am a shell of my former self. On 2 AD's I can't stop thinking about her. The 13 years we slept next to each other. Why or why must I suffer with love for someon who has rejected me?
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Old 09-19-2011, 02:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Anewlife View Post
My wife left me abruptly and filed for divorce after she had an EA (no probably a PA) I am a shell of my former self. On 2 AD's I can't stop thinking about her. The 13 years we slept next to each other. Why or why must I suffer with love for someon who has rejected me?
Because your human. Because it hurts. Because you truly loved your wife.
So tell me, what are you doing for you???
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Old 09-19-2011, 02:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sadand View Post
I will thank you and agree. I stopped posting because it was keeping me in the sad place all the time. I am not doing well, D is progressing but I continue to work in therapy, am developing the relationships in my life, like friends and family. But miss my H every minute of every day.
And I do as well. It is hard, but I can't die over this. I've got too much going for me to give up. I remind myself that I will one day be ok.
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Old 09-19-2011, 03:08 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dont give up on yourself

Firstly - thanks for the thread, helped pick me up a bit.

It's been exactly one month for me today - and boy was it weird earlier. Was watching tv and a romantic scene came on - and i just sat there paralysed - i couldn't move except for crying - this went on for a while but I'm semi-pleased I can get some of these emotions out.

I can see I am a little better than I was 2 weeks ago and more so than when it happened, but this is flipping hard going!

To read about people on the other side of all this helps me tremendously.

thanks
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