Separated and needing advice

confused_husband · 09-21-2011, 10:46 PM

Hi all,

So i have been married 8 years and wife separated from me a few months ago. We have children together as well and splitting time with them. We see each other a couple times a week for dinner and TV when she has the kids and have been texting and IM'ing frequently while at work. Our relationship at the moment is actually very good. My wife has only recently said that she is willing to try again but somewhat reluctantly as she says she is not 100% sure and doesn't like seeing how much pain i'm in. She also wants to go forward VERY slowly and take things day by day with no expectations. For these few months, i have been very insecure about things, constantly asking about the status of our relationship, pushing the issue, getting too close at times. She has shown great patience with me over the years and also during the separation, but now i think i'm starting to push her away with my insecure nonsense. She has asked me to stop talking about the relationship and to stop pressuring her but i have had trouble with this. All of my friends and family tell me to back off but i have not been able to.

Now I am seeing that this is getting me nowhere and that if i don't stop i am going to lose her forever. I have been reading about the 180 and even my mother-in-law thinks it would work with my wife. But most importantly i think i need to do it for me so that i can learn to be happy with myself again. I need to get back that confidence that my wife was attracted to when we first met. I was larger than life then and now i'm just a shadow of my former self. I'm on medication and doing therapy which is helping greatly, but i'm still not doing all that i should.

I know i can't follow the 180 guidelines exactly, since my situation still seems to have a lot of hope. And my wife does enjoy us spending time together and talking...when it suits her of course. LOL.

Today at work i was very busy but also tried to keep busy as to not IM with her very much. She said she would call or text me later but she didn't (she does this to me frequently and it drives me nuts). Why tell me she will call or text me and then not do it? Is it a test or a game to see what i will do? I am using every ounce of willpower to not text her. And a part of me feels like being spiteful and not logging in to chat at work tomorrow like i usually do. I'm always online with my phone so that would definitely get her attention but i don't want her to get mad at me for it either. I don't want to play games, but i feel like i'm constantly being tested. Maybe i'm just paranoid or maybe my wife is just as confused as i am. She's definitely on the fence about which direction this is headed still.

Anyone have similar experiences that they could share? What things could i do in my situation to make this work more in my favor? I am fighting some depression with this as well and every time i get my hopes up too much i wind up hearing something i don't like and crash back down again. It's become a roller-coaster. I need help getting myself to a good place and becoming a man again. I feel like such a whipped dog right now.

Thanks for listening everyone!

morituri · 09-22-2011, 12:25 AM

Unless you have been an emotional iceberg who showed her no affection and attention other than when you wanted sex and she has reached the end of her rope, is there another man in the background?

Riverside MFT · 09-22-2011, 12:47 AM

It kind of sounds like ou are smothering her. You sound insecure about the relationship. Her wanting the separation was probably mostly about wanting some room to breathe. I would work on backing off a little bit. Limit the number of times you say "I love you" to one or two during the day (if you are still saying it). Don't send more than 2-4 texts to her in a day.
With you smothering her, she probably does not feel like you trust her. That is something you are going to have to work on.

Shamwow · 09-22-2011, 03:39 PM

Sorry to hear your situation...think you're 100% right that 180 is very important right now, and for the foreseeable future. To get yourself more on your feet. I would definitely stop logging into IM, as you're making yourself available to her whenever she wants, but not vice versa. If she doesn't give something to you, don't give it to her. She knows you'll "always be there", and as counterintuitive as it sounds, that's not a good thing, especially right now.

She wanted to separate, well, give her a taste of what that means...life without you. Don't mean you should be a d*ck to her, but she wanted to live apart from you...if you let her truly do that, then she can realize what she'll be giving up. She may decide it's what she wants and she's happier giving you up...or she might realize she's lost a great guy and come around.

If she asks why you haven't been logging in, just say "Didn't cross my mind today..." she knows she can always call or text if she wants to talk. Wait a while before texting her back, and no need to reply to everything.

It's really hard, I know (I'm doing the same with my W right now, though I'm the one who left and filed...doing it for different reasons, but my lack of availability has affected her noticeably, and she realizes I'm not at her beck and call as we go through this process). Try the best you can, take care of yourself first, and when you get down about it, just let it happen...