Feeling abandoned and severely hurt
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Old 09-22-2011, 05:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Feeling abandoned and severely hurt

I know this is really long, but please understand I need to get this out...
My wife and I have been together for nearly ten years. We have always been best friends and lovers and all our family would comment on how well we got along. We always talked about how it was because we communicate so well. We've never been voilent, only had a couple shouting matches, but always made up almost immediately.
My wife came home Monday morning from her "girl" doctor bi annual check up as I was getting ready to head out to work in my shop. She said we needed to talk.
My immediate thought was that she was pregnant and we would be welcoming a child into our lives. But the words that came out of her mouth were "I'm leaving." Naturally, I was stunned and asked "what?" She said she wasn't happy, needed some space and couldn't be with me. She told me she has been thinking of this for a long time (I was never told) and said she wasn't attracted to me any more, yet we have always had sex on a regular basis (at least once or twice a week), and were always trying new things to spice things up.
I was at a loss and all I could say was that I don't understand. Finally I said let's talk about it, but she said she didn't want to and was going to stay with some friends until she found an apartment. After I went to the garage for a minute to let it sink in, I went back and asked if it was another man. She said no, and she just wanted space. WHen asked, I was told she had made a decision and there was nothing I could do. She packed a small bag and said she would call in a few days, but she would answer if I called her. Then she said, "Ilove you, but I'm sorry." and left.
I spent the rest of the day in complete shock, wandering the house like a car crash victim. When night came, it finally hit me and I sobbed harder than I thought possible. I've never felt pain like this even after my mom and dad died. I was writhing on the floor in pain.
The next morning I called her and asked if she would come home so we could talk about it. All she said was "I'm sorry. I cant." I reminded her that when we married we made a promise to ourselves and each other to work through whatever life threw at us together. No matter what I said, her response was the same. A complete brick wall. I asked what I did. "nothing" I asked what I could do "nothing" and then the panic set in and I started begging and pleading for her to try. I just couldn't understand why she wouldn't even try. I degenerated into a pathetic mess and she hung up. Her voice was so cold. I have never heard that tone from her before.
I thought the first night was bad, but now I thought I was dying. I knew I was going to die. This is what true hell is. It's supernatural pain.
A while later, a couple mutual friends came over. One of them said his wife sent him to check on me (he and his wife are where she is staying). They told me I shouldn't call her and I need to move on. They obviously knew more than I did, but wouldn't say or tell me anything when I asked what was going on and told them I don't even know the reason. They stayed for about ten minutes telling me I need to move on and trying to get me to come out with them. I guess one day is enough to grieve in their eyes.
The rest of the day was more of the same. Later that night I had taken an anti anxiety pill once I finally realised I was having a full two day panic attack. It calmed me down just enough to start thinking a little more logically...at least I thought. I sent her a short email, taking two hours to write it. I apologised for the panicked phone call earlier, acknowledged that she wanted space and as much as it hurt me, I will give it to her. I told her that I see she is unhappy and reiterate that I still don't understand the seperation. I suggest marriage counseling. I ask her to call when she is ready so we can talk and state I will only listen and won't be pushy. And then I tell her I love her and will be here for her.
I felt much better after that. I woke up after two hours sleep and felt strangely not in as much pain. I decided to make a list of things about my self and life that I want to change because I want to. Not because it's what I think she wants. I figure if she's taking space and shutting me out, then I'm taking space and working on me. My day was feeling better and I was instantly feeling confident, though in the back of my mind I fear it may be due to sleep and food deprivation. I have slept 4 1/2 hours since she left and ate nothing since the night before she left. I'm utterly exhausted, but can't sleep.. I'm just not hungry. I guess I'll eat eventually. My survival insticts should kick in sometime and then I might get something down into my stomach.
I'm on a rollercoaster of hope and utter despair.

Thanks for putting up with my long post, and any comments or advice are welcome.
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Old 09-22-2011, 05:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling abandoned and severely hurt

Never having been through this, I can give you no advice, only my deepest sympathy. I am wondering though, what the heck did she find out at the doctor? That may have nothing to do with any of it, but the timing seems to suggest otherwise.
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Old 09-22-2011, 05:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I don't know. She didn't say. She did say that she didn't want to be on birth control anymore. I know she has been having problems with the way the previous kind was affecting her hormones. She said she wasn't pms-ing and so that wasn't the problem. Oh god. I hope there isn't a medical problem. Now I'm really conflicted and want to ask her if this is because of news she got from the doctor, but I don't think she wants me to contact her. What do I do???
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Old 09-22-2011, 05:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I hate to even bring it up, but STD ran through my mind. The fact that your mutual "friends" know what is going on suggest that it is probably not a serious medical condition. Then again, I have been reading this forum for quite awhile, so it tends to make one skeptical. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 09-22-2011, 08:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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She shut down emotionally. She probably did so quite some time ago. Check you cell phone records for texting/talking. I lost mine to a 1300 text emotional affair. Good luck. I feel your pain. I am still dealing with mine.
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Old 09-22-2011, 08:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling abandoned and severely hurt

Having been where you are and acted the way you have, I can say it is not you, and you have no control over whatever it is. You are not alone in this situation, and it does get better. You have it better than some, at least she told you she was leaving. She probably doesn't even know the real deal on why she is doing what she is doing. After 10 years she should know that you were there to provide her with what she needed in way of support, etc to get through any thing together. Don't spend your time on why...concentrate on what now? You have to still live and make a good life for yourself. Be strong and be wise and fair. Become selfish and protect your livlihood and your heart. And if by chance your goodbye ain't gone you will be in a good place to receive it. I will pray for your understanding and comfort, and you pray for mine. And build you a support group that can be there for you.
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Old 09-23-2011, 12:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Having been where you are and acted the way you have, I can say it is not you, and you have no control over whatever it is. You are not alone in this situation, and it does get better. You have it better than some, at least she told you she was leaving. She probably doesn't even know the real deal on why she is doing what she is doing. After 10 years she should know that you were there to provide her with what she needed in way of support, etc to get through any thing together. Don't spend your time on why...concentrate on what now? You have to still live and make a good life for yourself. Be strong and be wise and fair. Become selfish and protect your livlihood and your heart. And if by chance your goodbye ain't gone you will be in a good place to receive it. I will pray for your understanding and comfort, and you pray for mine. And build you a support group that can be there for you.

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your advice and support and I'm sending my best thoughts in your direction.

This morning was rough. Only a couple more hours sleep. I still haven't been hungry. Don't worry, I'm a big boy and know I need to eat. I will eventually.
Anyway, after much thinking(obviously) I realised that I'm not the same person she fell in love with. Then I realised -I- don't love who I've become either. I called the local community college and set up an appointment for a placement test to start my enrollment. I've been thinking about it for years, and it's time to take some classes and improve myself for me. I'm going to start small so I'm guaranteed to succeed and take it from there.
Then, I called my uncles and set up a party for myself, as I turn 31 this weekend.
After that, I decided I need help understanding what was going on and took a huge risk by calling her friend that she is staying with. She was very patient and I (somehow) was able to keep my cool. The friend assured me it was nothing to do with the doctor appointment, illness, or another man. She told me my wife really hadn't shared that much with her and thinks she just needs space to assess what she really wants in life. I decided that I love and respect her enough to allow her that. After a bit more talking I was able to start to feel a little better. I asked her to let my wife know that I love her, I accept she needs space, and if she would call me when she's ready. I felt such a sense of relief after that and felt I could be more patient as hard as it would be.
A couple hours later I was on the phone with a friend who called to check on me when I got a call on the other line. It was my wife.
We talked for over an hour nice and calm-like (though I had to choke back a tear or two). I asked how she was doing and at first she said fine, but after hearing how I was admitted she was feeling pretty bad. I told her that honestly, for good or bad, it made me feel a little better that she was feeling bad as well. We both laughed at that.
I told her that although I hate the way it feels, I accept that she needs to get her own place and that this may actually be a good thing for me as well. I let her know of my plans and asked if she had any. She said no, and I have to admit I got a fairly childish kick out of it since I feel I'm already working on improving me. I know it's petty, but it gave me at least a little sense of victory. Score: Wife-100 Me-02
I asked if she had any leads on apartments and she did. She said they were fairly close by and she wasn't running away. I even offered to let her use my truck when she's ready to move and she seemed a bit surprised. She offered to help me sort out the bills (as she usually took care of that) and pay the full amount on our cell and veterinary bills to lessen the load on me. We always shared costs of everything.
At the risk of being pushy, I offered couples counseling. It got really silent. Uh oh, right? Then she said we are communicating pretty well right now and I had to agree with that.
I reitterated that I accept this may turn out to be a good thing for us both, but that my long term goal was to mend our relationship. Whether it 's permanent or temporary, we don't know and either way we'll both be better people from it.I said I'm not ready to give up yet, won't be pushy and we'll take it one baby step at a time. Me-"Let's keep in contact, okay?" Her-"Okay" . We both said I love you.

I don't want to celebrate and light any fireworks, but at least I feel better for now. That could, and probably will change back and forth and I'm willing to accept that. It's not gonna be easy, but I feel I found a part of myself I lost. No matter what happens, at least I can say I did my best by following my heart.

Again, thanks for reading and thanks for the support. I'll keep you all updated.
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Old 09-23-2011, 12:44 AM   #8 (permalink)
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One more thought: this may have brought out the worst in me in so many pathetic ways, but it has also brought out the best in me that I forgot about...and I think I feel a little bit of the better than me coming soon.
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Old 09-23-2011, 12:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I hope everything works out the way you want it, I think you have a good chance. I'll be praying for you.
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Old 09-23-2011, 12:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I hope everything works out the way you want it, I think you have a good chance. I'll be praying for you.
Hey buddy, thanks. I'll be sending it right back at you. Let's all just "hang in there" together, right? I'm so glad I found this site. Whatever the outcome, it's a huge comfort to know you're not alone.
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Old 09-25-2011, 11:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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No. You're not alone. Keep on trucking mate. Hold your head up and know it does, and WILL, get better.
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Old 09-25-2011, 11:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling abandoned and severely hurt

1) get checked for STDs

2) get a lawyer

3) start working on yourself

4) I would not accept just this information. I would want to know WTF is going on. So I would definitely be checking her cell recors and so on. It is highly likley ther is an OM. If she has a mdicval issue she sould tell her husband.

Taking just what you have provided this is a very bizarre situation. I would demand that those friends who looked in on you come clean or go away. If they have a secret that they are unwilling to convey then you don't want them as your friends. In fact really they just came to send you a message to back off and go away. Strangeness.

No expert here, but if she had an STD would there not be a legal requirement to notifiy you?

What comes to my mind is that she is pregnant with another man's child.

Why the friends would just tell you to move on is weird. I have a vivid imagination so I can think of all sorts of crazy stuff. Surely she is not literally moving in and having a rerlationship with that couple? Maybe having his baby. Perhaps they know that she is comitted now to an OM. But I would think mutual friends would be marriage friendly and not support that. Just very odd. It seems a bit of a coincidence she would tell you right after seeing her gyno doctor.
Maybe she has agreed to be a surrogate mother for that couple. Does that couple have children? Yeah crazy thoughts, but this is messed up.

Also, to have invested ten years with someone and expect them to just with no further explanation, bye, I'm gone, don't ask, just move on is beyond crazy. If there was an issue the least anyone could do was to be transparent and work with the partner.

Why the urgency to leave you right then and there? Why would she go live with friends instead of setting up on her own?

She works? Do you have access to her email or facebook accounts? If she left you for an OM, then I guess she can avoid the confrontation just by leaving you and moving on with them. Never having to account for anything. What is her general routine? Does she go out much without you?

In no way does this sound like you guys have been communicating well.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-25-2011 at 12:21 PM.
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