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Hes asking me to reconsider.

5K views 71 replies 22 participants last post by  Orange_Pekoe 
#1 ·
My soon to be ex and I were separated for 10 months, got back together for 3 and again separated. It's been 5 months now. A week ago I told him we need to discuss details of our separation agreement and finalize our divorce.

Yesterday when he dropped off our daughter he hugged me and said he misses me. Today he asked me to reconsider and not rush any decisions. Honestly i'd love nothing more than to be together as a family, have more kids and enjoy more financial stability. But I've been so traumatized that I told him it's simply too late. He's telling me to think about our daughters happiness...why wasn't he thinking about her happiness when I kept asking him to move in with me?

Also he's become more religious and very close minded which is part of the reason for our split.

Just when I get to a place of acceptance he drops this on me. I'm so scared. I know our marriage was emotionally destructive...but Im also afraid that as my daughter grows up she will feel lonely with me. I worry for her. I grew up with lots of siblings and I wish she had siblings too.
 
#3 ·
Why does he want to get back together? Because he says our daughter tells him she wants us to be together and she's sad.

For us to be together without resolving serious issues first would be much tougher on our daughter as she'd have to see us argue often. There's no easy way out of this.
 
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#5 ·
You could find a new spouse and give her siblings with someone who loves and respects you. You haven't rushed this decision and he hasn't change his ways.
 
#6 ·
He's never given up the idea that he can convince you to return and continue to live with his family. He's very likely manipulating your daughter when he has her.

Reconciling for your child is not a good idea (I know because I did that). When you reconciled the last time, your daughter was exposed to arguments she shouldn't have been exposed to -- and his constant leaving and returning -- because the two of you hold very different views (especially as he's become more religious). Don't make the mistake of reconciling with him a second time. He's not changing his very restrictive views regarding females and that will include your daughter.

You need to file. As long as you don't, he'll continue trying to convince you to return. Maybe if he sees you moving on with your life he'll give up but you need to be prepared he may not ever give up. He sees you as a possession. That probably will never change. So you need to minimize your interactions with him. And keep your physical distance. Allowing him to hug you is not productive.

I was one of the posters who thought it was a bad idea to reconcile with him the last time and I still think that. You would have a very tough life with his narrow views if you allowed him to come back again.
 
#8 ·
OP, do not let your heart overrule your head in this matter. Think back to all the stuff that has gone on between you, he has never put you before his family and his own wants. Has he gone to counselling or tried in any way to be a better person, I think the answer is 'no'. Therefore what makes you think it would better the third time?

Your daughter is now in a stable environment, let it be, and move on with your life. He did nothing to change or win you back, let him go and get that divorce.
 
#62 ·
Yeah. What @aine said.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And losing control over you makes him think he wants you more. But absolutely nothing has changed other than his views on women may have changed for the worse where you're concerned. If you are back together you will have the exact same situation as before and he will know he can separate and have you back any time with a hug and a sob story so he'll most likely be an even worse husband, not better.
 
#9 ·
Orange... PLEASE do not go down this road again. You've tried this route several times and it always ends up the same, with you sad and alone. Look, even when you're WITH this man you're sad and alone. He simply isn't marriage material right now (if ever).

Proceed with divorce for your own sanity. And your daughter is quite young, far too young to know what's best for her parents whose relationship is so dysfunctional. I'm guessing your husband is the one "planting the seed of sadness" in her by telling her how much he misses the family. And that is just plain wrong for him to drag her into your very adult problems.

Your husband needs years of intense counseling (as well as putting about 1000 miles between him and his family). Barring that, he simply is toxic to you.
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#10 ·
Wow, I didn't take that away from this but then again I haven't been here that long and am a little wrapped up in my problems... You are brilliant.
 
#11 ·
Oh Orange, he throws out a little kernel of hope and there's nothing behind it. He does love to manipulate you, doesn't he. Of course your young child wants Mom & Dad together. You two kept most of the problems surrounding your marriage away from her (kuddos). She is a child. She doesn't understand what is really happening with her father, or his family.

You must be the adult and do what is best for both of you. You say he's become more religious and this is undoubtedly his reason for putting more pressure on you. His religion would prefer the marriage stay together-for him-regardless of the way he treats you, regardless of his clearly unhealthy connection with his side of the family.

Do you have any reasonable hope that ANY of the problems you've endured will change? Has he gone to counseling, has he attended MC with you? Anything?

Be strong. You are a good mother and a kind and caring person. You deserve to be truly loved in return.
 
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#14 ·
No sweety, nothing has changed. :( I didn't expect it to.

The last time we split, it was really hard for me because we had spent good moments together as a family (him, me, daughter) and for a while there I felt like we made a mistake, like he should come back. But then I had a chat with him and realized his increased religiousness has become a major issue because he's become close-minded. On top of all the problems we had, that was just one more. As time passed, and I settled into the "new norm", I realized that this was the best decision because it's much more peaceful. Less stress.

He says we should make compromises for our daughter, that anger is not worth causing her pain. I'm not really angry at him...in fact I've forgiven him and want him to lead a happy productive life. But it won't be with me. It's much too late. What I know for sure now, is that he's not capable of having a life apart from his mom and siblings...sure, we'd live in a separate house, but his life is completely enmeshed and intertwined with theirs to a super unhealthy level. And to be honest, I don't have the patience for it any more. It's better for them to live how they see fit and for me to live how I see fit.

I hope I can be strong enough to continue facing the stigma, and not be bogged down by negative things people say and think about me.
 
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#13 · (Edited)
Thank you for very constructive feedback, everyone. I wish I could reply to each post. Of course, I do agree with the overwhelming response which is "don't do it".

I spent all day yesterday (and I can feel today as well) in anxiety. Not because I am going to get back together with him (I'm not)...but because he asked, and that means scratching at wounds that haven't even healed yet. So the next few months are going to be really difficult. I still care about him so seeing him sad is painful for me. Also, I worry SO MUCH about my daughter. She had fever for a week and now that she's better, she's constantly telling me that she wants Mommy and Daddy together. It really breaks my heart and makes me worry. She tells me she misses Daddy, even though she sees him 3 days a week. It's not that she misses HIM, it's that she wants us together.

But absolutely, I know that this child of mine has a delicate heart, and when we did live together the last 3 months, we were constantly arguing. He packed up and left so many times, it gave her separation anxiety. Not to mention how traumatic it was for me, and humiliating (that he'd run to his Mom and siblings every time we argued).

I'm not ready to go back to that life. Nothing has changed.

I could try to change myself and simply "take what I can get", meaning - we stay married and he lives with us but I have absolutely no expectations of him, he spends as much time as he wants with his biological family, I don't rely or depend on him or try to control him in any way. I guess "true love" means not trying to control the other person but simply love them for who they are and accept them. But what about his religiosity? He's always trying to impose that on me and he will do the same to our daughter...he simply won't let me be. I believe in God and my faith is strong but that's not good enough for him. If he could walk his path and I could walk my path but we could still be together, maybe it would work. But for us to not have expectations of each other, has proven too difficult thus far. Also my whole life I think I'd feel kind of cheated...like "I had to settle for this, because of the kids, and because I was too afraid of the unknown."

Someone else in another thread put it really well when they said divorce is like death stigmatized. Not only is it super painful but people are so judgmental, and gossip a lot. When I was married, it felt like a "protective cloak" from people's talk...but now I have no protective cloak, and people can be really cruel. My own "best" friend told me, "You'll never be able to get married again." WHY NOT? Not that I plan to - but if love finds me again, why not? Why condemn me to a life of what you see fit? People tell me "nobody else can be a father to your daughter" and that feeds on my fears even more. I dislike people. People suck.
 
#15 ·
I totally understand the struggles of keeping the family together. Totally. I am all for keeping the family together in the right conditions with two willing participants.

Two years is a lot of time for this scenario to work itself out. Many people, once the divorce is looming start to doubt their decision. It's a huge one with a child to think about.

Someone told me this and it makes sense. It doesn't matter if the divorce happens or not. If it does, it gives you more freedom. However, if he decides to prove himself, after the divorce....you will know by his actions. You can still get back together. You can still get remarried if the miracle occurs.

It makes sense. As a Christian, I believe in trying to save marriages. I couldn't by myself. My husband was "sick" and couldn't attempt through his actions. I am now divorced. He texts every once in awhile, expressing sadness and apology. He never once showed action. Same ole same ole!
 
#22 ·
This makes sense.
It's true that we can get married one day if he (by miracle) changes...but that would mean he completely changes his entire outlook on life. And then, he wouldn't be himself...and that's just sad isn't it? He's entitled to be himself and have a life partner who is supportive of it. A wife who doesn't mind being so involved with his family, or them interfering so much.
 
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#18 ·
My guess, from your previous threads, is that your culture doesn't generally support women who divorce. It can be very hard to move forward when family and friends don't agree with what you need to do.

He obviously doesn't want a divorce. How difficult can he make it if you file against his wishes?
 
#19 ·
I'm not sure - he could fight for custody which would be emotionally and psychologically very difficult. We'd both lose a lot of money. I'm hoping that doesn't happen and we can be mature and amicable.
 
#23 ·
He sent me an email pleading with me to reconsider. He says I have to stop disrespecting his family, and we have to try to mend fences.

I'm fuming. I'm so mad! I can literally feel the anger in my chest and my hands. It makes me feel helpless...helpless that he and his family tell people I've disrespected them, without giving any thought to how much they disrespected me. Isn't respect a two way street? I swear, it makes me feel just utterly helpless.

"We're going to say horrible things to you, try to break up your marriage, exclude you from all family gatherings, talk badly about you, but hey you didn't visit us when we had a newborn child...that's disrespect!"
 
#24 ·
He sent me an email pleading with me to reconsider. He says I have to stop disrespecting his family, and we have to try to mend fences.



I'm fuming. I'm so mad! I can literally feel the anger in my chest and my hands. It makes me feel helpless...helpless that he and his family tell people I've disrespected them, without giving any thought to how much they disrespected me. Isn't respect a two way street? I swear, it makes me feel just utterly helpless.



"We're going to say horrible things to you, try to break up your marriage, exclude you from all family gatherings, talk badly about you, but hey you didn't visit us when we had a newborn child...that's disrespect!"


Why do you care about what other people think?
 
#29 ·
Durga, I don't know. It's a weakness. I'm trying to follow my own true path and ignore negative talk from people, but a part of me still cares a lot.

Honcho, he's told me so many times that I need to change and that I have issues, that I really believe I'm dysfunctional and that I'd be dysfunctional in any new relationship as well.

Tron...lol I'd LOVE to say that...but that'll just prove his point. They're not worth it. They're not worth me getting angry and upset over. I've been reading and watching material about "awareness" and "letting things go" so I feel better much more quickly than I used to.
 
#31 ·
Often the most dysfunctional are the ones proclaiming everyone else needs to change and never look at themselves. Your spouse is the poster child for that.
 
#30 ·
He does want to try again, on his terms. What could possibly make you think you'll get anything other than what you were getting?

His daughter apparently doesn't mean enough for him to cleave to his wife. His goal is to convince you he's right. Period.

If you want what you had then by all means go back.

Or shut him down and let him find a woman willing to put up with him. He might know that's unlikely which is why he uses your daughter to wear you down.
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#32 · (Edited)
So what's his plan for addressing all of the issues in your marriage?

What -- aside from offering whatever lip service he thinks will get you to halt the divorce -- is he prepared to do to win you back?
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#35 ·
Hi everyone,

He has done nothing to show he will change. And he does not expect to do anything, instead he's asking me to:
-"stop disrespecting my family" (Never any mention of how disrespectful they've been toward me.)
-"you're a good person, I know you will become more religious as time goes on, on your own terms" (This is after I asked him if he would accept me the way I am, if I told him I would never change and not become more religious than I am.)
-"nobody's expecting you to live with my family, but you can't expect me to stop seeing them" (I have never asked him to stop seeing them, only that he become more independant so we have a chance at a normal marriage.)

Anyway - I put my foot down yesterday and said I won't consider going back to a life of watching him pack up and leave every time we have an argument. So he's accepted that...at least for now. He'll bring it up again but I'll have to say no again.

I'm trying to get us to agree on financial details and custody etc. before I get my lawyer to draft a separation agreement. Which he can then review and consult with his lawyer on. But he sounds mixed up, he's getting legal advice from a priest for heaven's sake, and this process is overwhelming me. I feel so overwhelmed.
 
#37 ·
Orange, very often when men become super religious they go after the parts that preach their wife should be subservient and do what she's told. It's a part of many religions that appeal to a lot of men.

When you have God's blessing to control and bully your wife that's a huge gift for a guy that's a crappy hb.

Good hb's don't need religion to bully their wife..... they don't need to bully their wife.
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#38 ·
That's so true.
Am I being bullied?
 
#43 ·
It is also possible he is using the "our daughter wants this" line to try and manipulate you to toe the line. I am truly sorry he didn't change his ways during your reconciliation. You deserve more than this. Your daughter deserves more than this. But there is a reason you split twice. Remember the reason. You owe it to yourself AND your daughter to make a decision. I respect that you want your family together and that divorce is not an easy decision for you. That you love him. But he has not behaved as a loving husband - he hasn't given you the one thing you asked for during your reconciliation. Doesn't that tell you something about what his behaviour is likely to be in the future if you make the decision to reconcile AGAIN?
 
#44 ·
joanna, I agree, and no I'm not getting back together with him. For a day there I got weak, and told myself "maybe I should just accept what he has to offer, not expect anything else, and not complain either". But I know I wouldn't be able to do that. It's kind of sad that I thought that, really.

lifeistooshort, I should actually ask him that question. "How would you feel if our daughter was married to someone who expected her to respect him and his family unconditionally, no matter how much they disrespected her?" He'll probably come up with an answer but deep down, it'll resonate with him.

I'm not reasoning with him, or wanting to get back together with him. What I want is to begin healing and move on. I hope he realizes that now...it's much too late for anything else.
 
#45 ·
Orange
OMG I totally understand what you are struggling with. I have a 5 year old son and honestly that is the hardest part of going through this, that our family is breaking apart. This is all new to me, just started the process about 9 weeks ago and my stbx hasn't moved out yet but we are working on that (we need to get some financial things in place first). And as soon as he is ready to move we will tell our son. I have no idea how he will react or will continue to react in the future. I worry so much about him that I too have thought about staying just for him. But what kind of life is that for me? How would that affect me as a mom (i.e. not feeling loved/happy)? When our son turns 18 and goes off to college then what? This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done and regularly feel guilty about what this may or may not do to my son. However my stbx didn't even show change when we were trying to work things out, I am the one who has done everything in her power to keep my family together, he hasn't. Then he cheats in January and seems to change overnight into someone I don't even recognize. I have come to realize (most days anyway) that everything that I can do I have done. That I can't take responsibility for his choices and someday when my son is older I can help him to understand. That he is the one that has decided to go down this path and that all I can do now is protect my son, myself, and our future as much as I can so that we are both okay after all the dust settles. But I want you to know that I get that it is so hard and I am sorry that you have been on this roller coaster. Take care of yourself and your daughter the best you can.
 
#46 ·
I'm sorry you are going through this as well...thank you for your kind words. The most we can do is take care of ourselves and our kids as best possible, and also not expose them to the turmoil and drama of a marital split. I also hug her and listen to her whenever she tells me she's sad or misses her dad. I've noticed lately she's been telling ME how much she loves and misses me...so that makes me happy. To know she loves me that much.

Like I said before, there are times I get weak and think "maybe I should just take what I can get, accept what he offers and not complain about the rest". But I can only do that when I'm feeling really "aware" and patient...which isn't always the case! So it would be more resentment and arguments and we'd end up separated again. Just not a good scenario for any of us.
 
#47 ·
Update: I'm moving in June. Right now I'm renting a condo, but I have another property that I bought pre-marriage (with my sister) and we had been renting it out to tenants. Tenants told us they're leaving, so I'm moving in.

It's a big house, I didn't plan on moving at all and now I've made the decision to move in 2 months. Everything is happening so fast.

Yesterday my ex texted me saying "I miss you and our daughter". I told him I miss you too, but we aren't getting back together, I can't be who you want me to be, and I can't continue being marginalized.

On the one hand I should be excited about moving. On the other hand I'm devastated that my marriage really is over. It's like a loved one being terminally ill...you know they're going to die. But when they actually pass away, you're still so upset and sad. That's how I feel. I truly hope I'm making the right decision...to divorce, to move into the house, to raise my daughter on my own. I'm scared. Sometimes I don't recognize my own life.
 
#48 ·
I think your move is a great idea! It's the right thing for you and your daughter.

I know that feeling you're having. I had it when I was in the process of ending my 45 year marriage. I had never been on my own and wasn't sure what my life would be like going forward. And I wondered if I was making the right decision. It didn't take long to realize that I did make the right decision and I'm very happy I finally took charge of my life.

You'll get to that place of peace too.
 
#50 ·
Thank you, I hope I do as well.

I'm nervous and emotional about moving. I didn't plan to move so it seems all-of-a-sudden...but I have a couple months to prepare. I'm emotional because this condo (even though I'm renting it) really was my first place on my own, it has a lot of sentimental value to me. Of course I knew we wouldn't live here forever...but I'm still sad to leave.

I'm nervous because the house is not just mine, my sister and Dad are invested in it too. We had bought it years ago before I was engaged/married. And my Dad is really controlling (at least he tries to be) especially with finances and sometimes uncooperative...I have to repaint it and I'm not looking forward to all the comments about "you paid way too much for the paint job". In my condo I controlled all my finances without interference, in the house he's going to feel like he has more of a say, which I'm not too happy about. And no we aren't selling and I'm not buying him out, at least not any time soon. So basically I have to set up limits and boundaries with him. I had this looooong discussion with him a couple days ago, where I told him to not interfere with my life or my management of the home while I'm living in it and paying the mortgage. My Dad suffers from mental health issues that have been undiagnosed his whole life (he gets angry really quickly and feels like he's entitled to a lot of things, and holds grudges, narcissistic)...I tell myself to deal with any potential situation when it actually arises and not before hand. Unnecessary worrying. He might surprise me and help out a lot more than he criticizes. He was a huge help when I moved into my condo.

If there's any positive thing this whole separation and divorce process has taught me, it's that all the time I spent fretting, worrying, agonizing over everything was pointless...because that only made me super stressed out and sick and never helped the situation. So this is a good opportunity to put those "lessons learned" in to practice, and not stress.
 
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