Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Separated wife only wants to be friends

124K views 521 replies 69 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Hi all.

If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.

Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?

She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
 
See less See more
#370 ·
You are your own worst problem. If you can't fix that and take control of your own life this is all you get.

You've been around here long enough to know what you have to do.

Stop talking/thinking and start doing.

Listening to the same broken record play the same sad song over and over.
 
#371 ·
Yeah I know....I am trying to put things into perspective. I have been NC for a week now. I haven't seen the kids but I needed this time to really take stock. She hasn't contacted me anymore...she is very likely flirting on whatsapp instead to get attention...I know her...it's just been easier to bury my head in the sand and think that things will work out in the end...she can't change who she is..I suppose I am finally coming out of the denial stage and seeing it all for what it is. That however is more painful than the actual break up. I'm in a lonely place. Feel like a bit of a looser being on my own most if the time but it does make me think.
My job now is to totally detach myself from her and feel nothing.. which is not easy. I guess the money thing woke me up and made me realise that I mean nothing to her apart from the occasional ego boost.

What now? What's the next step? Been so long since I have been truly single..
 
#372 ·
What now? What's the next step? Been so long since I have been truly single..
You breathe, and you take one step, then the next step, and another... Keep walking and keep breathing.

You let go and move on. There is no sense in tying your self worth to someone who has no feeling or respect for you.

You are going to be okay Andy. We have had many torch bearers like you come through TAM...guys who have difficulty letting go. Some people see it as a weakness. Personally, I see it as a strength. You have loyalty, and loyalty is a rare commodity in a culture that has traded values and integrity for selfishness and one-upsmanship. Don't be ashamed of that. But codependency is as another animal altogether, and I think that is your biggest problem.

Get thee into counseling if you can and deal with your codependency...your need for other people to define and validate you. That is where the core of all your issues lie I believe, and once you get a handle on that then detachment from you ex will get easier.

Don't even think about dating or getting into another relationship. You are not ready for one. You need to become a whole, self-actualized man with a purpose and a self-steered destiny before you can be any use to any woman, or before you will be able to choose a healthy, decent woman to be with.
 
#374 ·
Work on creating good boundaries for yourself. Start by learning to say no.

Work on building a new relationship with your daughters. To start if they need money for something THEY ask you not your ex.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Openminded
#375 ·
Work on creating good boundaries for yourself. Start by learning to say no.



Work on building a new relationship with your daughters. To start if they need money for something THEY ask you not your ex.


That's a great point.

Now, if the kids need something exW asks Andy for money, he gives it and mom buys the thing. The kids only see mom giving them the thing. They don't see Andy paying. Mom gets credit for what Andy pays for.

The kids should ask Dad and Dad provides it when he sees the kids.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#376 ·
It's funny that my brother suggested the same thing. I will have to let the girls know in future where the money is being spent....

Predictably, conversations with the ex have been minimal. She doesn't text like she did before the divorce. I will see the kids for the first time in a week tomorrow. I don't expect much interaction with her. Her mind is else where...I sense it and in a way, I wish she would move on so to free me of the guilt that I have felt for so long.

I don't expect things to improve now and I won't encourage anything...it's damn lonely though...it's easy to be grateful for even the smallest interactions with her to feel wanted I guess. I felt useful and appreciated in some way. A delusion I know but better than nothing other than the silence I experience every night. It's shxt.. I feel worthless and unwanted. My best was never enough and my confidence is low. I've thought about internet dating. It may help connect me with someone nice. It may even shake up the narsissist I married to see what she let go. Not sure what to do..there's only so much self inprovement I can stomach...
 
#377 ·
Dude,
You are still in love with your wife. You're going to hurt some feelings if you internet date and make a woman think you're serious about a relationship. But, you definitely need to spend some time with other women. Let them know you're not ready for anything but friendship and get some female company. It is no doubt what you need. Few decent women will want to date you if they know your mind is on your ex, but try to be honest. They'll likely know anyway, given enough time.

Put the ex in your rearview mirror. You are letting her in the center of your road right now, and it's killing you. IT will take some time, but you'll get better.

Honestly, meeting some other women helped me. But I probably hurt a couple of women in the process.
 
#378 ·
Andy,

I svcks but your ex wife has already moved on.

Join some social groups, jogging club etc. Anything where you will meet people and make friends.

If possible, YOU buy what the kids need and give it to them. They will remember that more that you telling them you paid for something.

Stay strong my friend.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#379 ·
Your wife successfully isolated you for years from friends and family. During this time she preyed on your self-doubt and flaws, always magnifying them. She held your hostage to them allowing her to never address her own flaws. Now she is raising your daughters to be the same.

If you do not assert yourself in your daughters life she will turn them against you. Use IC ad family to address this issue.
 
#380 ·
Andy also I think you have been plan B since before the original separation. Your the guy she could control, so she settled for you. You ave no idea how quickly you will forget about her when you are with someone who makes you plan A
 
#381 ·
Andy, you're going to be your own worst enemy if you don't learn to detach and make your happiness a.) a priority and b.) your own responsibility instead of so dependent upon what SHE may or may not do/act like.

It won't happen overnight, it'll be gradual, but it's got to start with small, independent steps.

Learn to take control of your own destiny. Find your own identity, one that is wholly defined and owned by YOU. Not by how a woman feels about you or acts toward you... Especially then it's cr@ppy.
 
#382 ·
Yes your right. I have been plan B for years. Even now I am a plan B if nobody suitable comes along..she never flirts/dates descent men either..might be her taste but they usually have a dysfunctional history or are cheaters themselves! I have always felt that there was other guys in the back ground since we met online. Always someone to flirt with..she never flirted with me for some reason. I have always been the dependable good natured man that picks up the pieces when it all turns to sxxt. Can't do that anymore but I do still love her which makes this whole letting go process very hard.
 
#383 ·
It will be a whole lot easier when you get your mind on ANOTHER WOMAN.

Not a solution to all your problems. But certainly a solution to dwelling on this internet attention junky you married. John and others are right. You have probably never been at the top of her list.
Put her at the bottom of yours.

It really is not that difficult to get her out of your head. Like I said, just let someone else occupy that space in your mind that craves another person's attention. Your ex will evaporate like a spring mist.
Really, there are so many women out there that want a man. You are doing yourself a horrible disservice in not moving forward. You don't have to grovel for her attention, especially when there are others out there that are dying to give it to you.

Stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future. There are over 150 MILLION women in this country. Can you not find one better than the one you had? It may sound too easy to be true, but it really isn't. You found your ex online. How many others are online looking for YOU?????
Just choose wisely.........this time...
 
#384 ·
Stick tight with your brother and his wife. Do not talk about your ex with them. Instead discuss just simple life plans and to do list. What's on sale at the super market, what are you making for dinner. Go to a movie with them. In short live your life.
 
#385 ·
Andy I don't want to be mean, but these issues you are having are your issues not hers. You are not abandoning her, you are divorced....period. You have a schedule to see your girls and do so on a regular bases. If she flirts, dates other men, it is no an issue as long as they are kind to your daughters. You should consider counseling to help you move on in life, you need to start taking care of you. I know this chapter in your life has not ended as you had hoped. However, you have taken too much credit for its demise and waited for a woman that is only interested in controlling you. This chapter is over cowboy, time to ride off into the sunset.
 
#386 ·
Well I didn't go looking for anything but I have a 19 year old girl with a massive crush on me at work! Remember I am 44! She is nice, funny and very attractive. We have been messaging alot and she likes the idea of going on a date with me.. This is all too surreal..I don't know if this is right but after the emotional beating I have had it's welcome attention and could be fun. Not sure what to do here. It has thrown me out of my comfort zone and feel guilty for it for I feel I am betraying my family and also have issues with the age gap but she has brightened up my life even if temporarily..what do you all think?
 
#387 · (Edited)
Andy
You need to date, and get back your life. You have been manipulated and I cannot help but think that the minute you are in a new relationship, suddenly her attitude will change. This, I have seen before. For some reason, be it punishment or screwed up personality, she is torturing you. A new relationship will do wonders for you, and frankly her reasons for ending the marriage hold very little water. I may be talking out my a## here, but she has been used to you as a dad and bank, suddenly she will have to compete. Suddenly there is someone younger and prettier. Suddenly you stop coming when she calls. Essentially, you have been her spouse when she wants without all that sex and cohabitation. This has sent many a woman without crystal clear reasons for divorce either back to the ex, or into therapy. One of my wife's girlfriends admitted that she sought the divorce to punish him for a number of perceived slights. She never considered that he'd go out and find someone new. She thought that they were tethered together. He as a whole new life, with his kids and without her. He is happy, her, bitter and angry with herself and anyone that she felt encouraged her to split.
 
#394 ·
Yeah it's a little crazy...she is really into me which is great I'll see how we get on and I know this would just be a lust filled encounter..we have very little in common but she is very sweet and sexy as hell..that is why my battered ego is taking over my brain...I don't know where any of this will lead if sexual at all.. It's exciting but I don't want to be in a worst place when it all ends....
 
#396 ·
If you know it will only be sex, is that a good idea to use a teenager in that way? Would you want your 19 year old daughter to be used that way by a 44 year old man? I wouldn't. Surely she is worth more than being seen as a sex object even if she seems keen? You are the older and hopefully more mature one here.
 
#406 ·
BAH - Im going to go the other way here.

First dont dip your pen in company ink. Thats a bad idea no matter what, especially if you actually have to work with her. Age doesn't matter. Thats not to say you cant go for coffee, flirt a little and have fun. but dont cross the line. too much to loose with work being involved.

Second - If a 19 y/o wants to bang you and you are completely honest that there is not going to be a relationship, by all means do it! why the h3ll wouldn't you as long as you are honest? A real relationship with a 19 y/o -i agree with others - no go zone.
 
#407 ·
What could you possibly have in common with a 19 year old? Sorry BUT. . . . you're just thinking with your d**k. So, I guess that's fine as long as your BOTH on the same page. It's still a f***ed up dynamic to me. And, it's just not a good idea since you work with her. I just don't see it ending well. . . .
 
#408 ·
Yes I get what everyone is saying..Its ludicrous...I was watching the film American Beauty tonight....saw myself a bit in Kevin Spacey..thing is..its not a fantasy here as such..she has been sending me raunchy photos of herself and can't wait to see me for lunch next week...she has been posted at another site and she doesn't actually work for me.. there are concerns though..
As you know from my threads, I haven't exactly had any positive attention for a long time..I've had the sxxt kicked out of me and although I am flattered, I am very cautious of this girl...She seems nice, very funny and comes from a good home..a religious family which makes me question her integrity but hey...when am I at my age going to get attention like this again? Will it result in a sexual relationship? Not sure..Is she after a good time and cash spent on her? Maybe..but she has to be careful too. I carry alot of weight in my job..she is still on probation..her behaviour has not been very professional by almost throwing herself at me and it being witnessed by other engineers who see the funny side but would watch my back as long as I am not reckless...It's difficult to tell at this stage what will happen..but although I am the mature one here..I'm also the most vulnerable since what happened wuth my wife..

Had the girls tonight..I kept looking at them and thinking 'what am I doing'...
 
#414 ·
Yes I get what everyone is saying..Its ludicrous...I was watching the film American Beauty tonight....saw myself a bit in Kevin Spacey..thing is..its not a fantasy here as such..she has been sending me raunchy photos of herself and can't wait to see me for lunch next week...she has been posted at another site and she doesn't actually work for me.. there are concerns though..
As you know from my threads, I haven't exactly had any positive attention for a long time..I've had the sxxt kicked out of me and although I am flattered, I am very cautious of this girl...She seems nice, very funny and comes from a good home..a religious family which makes me question her integrity but hey...when am I at my age going to get attention like this again? Will it result in a sexual relationship? Not sure..Is she after a good time and cash spent on her? Maybe..but she has to be careful too. I carry alot of weight in my job..she is still on probation..her behaviour has not been very professional by almost throwing herself at me and it being witnessed by other engineers who see the funny side but would watch my back as long as I am not reckless...It's difficult to tell at this stage what will happen..but although I am the mature one here..I'm also the most vulnerable since what happened wuth my wife..

Had the girls tonight..I kept looking at them and thinking 'what am I doing'...
Are you kidding us?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top