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post #136 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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I get what everyone is saying. All I have to go on is what happened in the past. She thought the grass was greener...and then found out it wasn't...I was a wreck but I remained her friend and she came back to me. We have two children in common and we have history so there is always hope.

My problem today is her sending me photos if her and the kids and MIL sitting in first class on their way to DL. Really pissed me off. Her mum has gone out if her way to out do my efforts last year. As if to say....we don't need you....

I feel like I am the last person of importance and feel completely outcast by my own family. I have always needed a woman in my life and function best when my life is complete in that way. It's just me. This limbo is killing me. I can't date because I am married and no woman would come near me...I cannot be with my ex because she doesn't want me. Her heart may soften....but when if ever...I'm in a bad place and can't figure a way out.

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post #137 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 09:24 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I get what everyone is saying. All I have to go on is what happened in the past. She thought the grass was greener...and then found out it wasn't...I was a wreck but I remained her friend and she came back to me. We have two children in common and we have history so there is always hope.

My problem today is her sending me photos if her and the kids and MIL sitting in first class on their way to DL. Really pissed me off. Her mum has gone out if her way to out do my efforts last year. As if to say....we don't need you....

I feel like I am the last person of importance and feel completely outcast by my own family. I have always needed a woman in my life and function best when my life is complete in that way. It's just me. This limbo is killing me. I can't date because I am married and no woman would come near me...I cannot be with my ex because she doesn't want me. Her heart may soften....but when if ever...I'm in a bad place and can't figure a way out.
file for D, don't look back and start dating.
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post #138 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 06:35 PM Thread Starter
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Well she has really shown me her true colours today. After she left for Disney, she was her normal chatty self on whatsapp., sendibg me photos of them all on the train, which pissed me off.. I later went to the house to spend the weekend there....and she left her key in the front door and lkcked the back door, taking the keys with her!!!

I was so shocked. I couldn't believe how calculated she is. She had no right to lock me out of my home. I called the cops abd they told me to get a locksmith.

So I called a locksmith and he showed me how to lock up afterwards so she won't notice I was there. I don't know what to say to her. I just can't believe she would plan this. She basically thinks it's HER house and the kids are mainly HER kids. She manipulates and controls me..it has been a real eye opener....not sure what to do next..
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post #139 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 06:43 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Don't you have house keys, front and back door? It is your house.

Andy, when is the divorce finalized? She will control you during the separation.
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post #140 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 06:54 PM
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Start dating if you are ready. I started dating two weeks after moving out and am in a serious relationship 4 months later. I'll be divorced in a couple more months.
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post #141 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 07:01 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Well she has really shown me her true colours today. After she left for Disney, she was her normal chatty self on whatsapp., sendibg me photos of them all on the train, which pissed me off.. I later went to the house to spend the weekend there....and she left her key in the front door and lkcked the back door, taking the keys with her!!!

I was so shocked. I couldn't believe how calculated she is. She had no right to lock me out of my home. I called the cops abd they told me to get a locksmith.

So I called a locksmith and he showed me how to lock up afterwards so she won't notice I was there. I don't know what to say to her. I just can't believe she would plan this. She basically thinks it's HER house and the kids are mainly HER kids. She manipulates and controls me..it has been a real eye opener....not sure what to do next..
Why were you shocked? All you ever do is enable her to do as she pleases. She owns you man.

You don't count. Do you not get that???? You don't respect yourself enough so why wouldn't she rub your nose in it.

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post #142 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 07:04 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Quote:
So I called a locksmith and he showed me how to lock up afterwards so she won't notice I was there. I don't know what to say to her. I just can't believe she would plan this. She basically thinks it's HER house and the kids are mainly HER kids. She manipulates and controls me..it has been a real eye opener....not sure what to do next.
God forbid you make her mad at finding out you went in YOUR home!!!!!

Your helplessness is painfull to read. This is all on you.
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post #143 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 07:07 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy, are you going to the gym?
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post #144 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 07:44 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

I fear by the time you catch on, she will have full custody, all your money, and you will be just a fly on her radar to toy with when she feels like being a b to someone.
You've got to detach. There is no hope here for reconciliation. You have for to move on and break her spell.
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post #145 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 12:37 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Hello Andy and sorry to read about your situation. I don't know your whole story.

You say 5 years ago you two had separated. What was the agreement then ? Did you both agree to see other people ? You said she dressed provocatively (hunting for men) and then found and slept with other guys back then - more than one guy I take it. Did she do this alone or with friends who helped her ? How long did this go on for ? Was this something you knew about at the time ? Were you sleeping with other women too ? Was the thinking back then that the separation was a precursor to divorce ? You say she did a "180" and wanted you back when you found someone. Was this the first person you found ? If so, you made a colossal mistake back then. She had gone out, tested the grass on the other side, had her fun, got her rocks off and then made sure you didn't go anywhere else. AND YOU THINK (SOMEHOW) THAT SHE LOVED YOU ?!?!?!?!?

I am trying to understand what was so different back then to now.

Now, five years on, she has asked you to leave and YOU JUST COMPLIED ?!?!?!?!? Unbelievable! You that is, not her. She is acting true to form - you, on the other hand, do not appear to be learning anything and have your head firmly buried in the ground!

Wake up - you should not have moved out. You should not put yourself under any unnecessary financial stress (or any other unnecessary stress). You should iron out legally a custody agreement. You should understand that your marriage is over (has been for some time now) and you need to start behaving like an adult who is going through divorce - protect yourself and your custody/kids. This includes who can be around your kids etc.

Stop wallowing in your misery, and start taking positive steps. What would happen if you moved back into the house ? Don't tell me about living in misery, because that is what you are doing living outside of your house.

Wake up man, before it is too late.


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post #146 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 03:20 AM Thread Starter
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I keep trying to keep her sweet as she could make access to the kids difficult and would turn the kids against me. This 'friendliness' just looks like a way of keeping the status quo while I don't have a suitable place to live until July.

When we separated before, she didn't want me in the house but she allowed me to stay there when I was baby sitting our daughter. She put me through hell back then with her seeing other guys..I did not see anyone. I only went on one date but I just wanted her back.

What she has done by locking me out, is showing her true intensions. All nice on the surface but calculated underneath. I will get onto the lawyer in 4 weeks when I get payed as I now see problems ahead.

Yes, I accept this is not a woman who has any intention of reconciling. She likes me being around to suit her. I will date again but not until I am settled. I also worry that women will not want a separated man until he is divorced.

The divorce is on hold until I sign the financial agreement. I have held onto the papers until I can afford a lawyer. I am now glad that I did not sign straight away. In a way, divorce would be a welcome release.
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post #147 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 04:41 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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I keep trying to keep her sweet as she could make access to the kids difficult and would turn the kids against me. This 'friendliness' just looks like a way of keeping the status quo while I don't have a suitable place to live until July.

This is why you need a custody agreement tied down legally asap. So that you are not at her beck and call and she cannot threaten you by denying access to your kids.

When we separated before, she didn't want me in the house but she allowed me to stay there when I was baby sitting our daughter. She put me through hell back then with her seeing other guys..I did not see anyone. I only went on one date but I just wanted her back.

Was this the agreement/understanding at the time ? That you could both see other people ? Or did you separate on the understanding that you would get some space but remain faithful while you worked out your issues ?

What she has done by locking me out, is showing her true intensions. All nice on the surface but calculated underneath. I will get onto the lawyer in 4 weeks when I get payed as I now see problems ahead.

Yes, I accept this is not a woman who has any intention of reconciling. She likes me being around to suit her. I will date again but not until I am settled. I also worry that women will not want a separated man until he is divorced.

The divorce is on hold until I sign the financial agreement. I have held onto the papers until I can afford a lawyer. I am now glad that I did not sign straight away. In a way, divorce would be a welcome release.
What about you moving back into the house ? Will save on rent and may free up funds for you to proceed with the divorce full speed.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #148 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
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One problem I have is that I never expected to end up going through a divorce and having to plan ahead for a different future. I had the girl, the house kids and career. My parents never divorced and I don't know many people that have. I realise that there were problems but nothing major that we couldn't work out. Her emotions changed towards me...the porn hit her hard and now I am trying to figure out how to get her out of my head regardless of the guilt about my actions and the affect all this will have on the kids. She looks after them very well, they never go without but if I can't be part if their lives how can I move forward. I have to recover but need some pointers in getting her off the pedastal. If I can do that, everything may fall into place easier
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post #149 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 08:32 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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One problem I have is that I never expected to end up going through a divorce and having to plan ahead for a different future. I had the girl, the house kids and career. My parents never divorced and I don't know many people that have. I realise that there were problems but nothing major that we couldn't work out. Her emotions changed towards me...the porn hit her hard and now I am trying to figure out how to get her out of my head regardless of the guilt about my actions and the affect all this will have on the kids. She looks after them very well, they never go without but if I can't be part if their lives how can I move forward. I have to recover but need some pointers in getting her off the pedastal. If I can do that, everything may fall into place easier
I get you Andy. This is not the life you planned but it now is the life you have. You can make it great, when you are READY.

You must put your guilt aside. You are looking at this emotionally. MANY of us here can and do see your ex as you described and believe me she is no angel. She has brought as much baggage to the marriage as you. She just detached first. I could have been your first.

What was that crappy sentence in bold about?? You are of course involved in your kids lives 50%. Just not involved in your ex's life.

And I get the pedestal part. I put a woman on one. Her relationship resume was dismal and on paper a person I should not have fallen for. Once you put them on the pedestal, it is hard to get them off. I know that as do you. But what has been working for me the last 4 weeks is to cut contact with the woman. You need to discuss only the kids with her. NOTHING ELSE. I don't think you are ready yet to fully do that, but that is what you need to do and that is the MUST DO to get her off the pedestal. After 4 weeks of basically no contact, I am thinking about "my" woman about a third of what I had been. A drastic improvement for me. You can do this.
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post #150 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 04:46 PM Thread Starter
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I wish I could go no contact but that is not going to happen with 2 young children. It would be irresponsible when so much needs to be discussed about their day to day care. We dont really discuss anything other than the kids except when my ex asks me how I am....I then have a stock answer...I'm fine thanks...... I never elaborate further even though I am a wreck inside. I have plans where I need to be and possibly start looking for someone new but it's not what I would want. I feel I need to give my ex more time to come to her senses but it's frustrating after her behaviour dictates otherwise.

I have read that sometimes pulling away emotionally can make the other spouse start chasing. It sounds odd but I wonder if anyone has successfully achieved this?
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