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Separated wife only wants to be friends

124K views 521 replies 69 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Hi all.

If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.

Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?

She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
 
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#411 ·
Can't get that old Steely Dan song out of my head after reading this twist in your thread. Bonus points if you can work "make tonight a wonderful thing" or "please take me along when you slide on down" into your conversations with her.

I've browsed a bit of your thread and think you really deserve to enjoy this attention. As someone who has also been dealing with a very controlling wife, but who is earlier along in the separation process, this gives me hope for life after it is all over.

However, on a more serious note, I would urge caution as others have with the age and coworker status of this woman. Not everyone has the same maturity level at that age, so maybe it could work out, but I'd be more skeptical than open at the outset. She might make it seem like its casual and adult at first, but then quickly latch on much more than you can manage. Its up to you to judge that maturity from what you know of her. I am also 44 and have an 18yr old daughter, who I could not possibly see fit to be in such a relationship, but I know she doesn't have the life experiences to prepare her for something like that.
 
#413 ·
I'm just a couple of years older than you. My son is 19. The thought of dating someone this age is beyond ridiculous. She is a TEENAGER. Do you want to date a teenager? Stop now, this will not enhance your life, at all.

Also, for any future WOMAN you might become involved with for real... If she were to find out you were recently involved with a TEENAGER...Would probably run from you. I know I would. Total dealbreaker.
 
#415 ·
I know you want to get back in the saddle again, but would not recommend getting in an immediate relationship. Get comfortable in your skin again and usually when you are looking, something good comes along. I have no problem with adult fun, so you just have to be honest with her. She should not get introduced to your children. Just remember....no glove, no love.
 
#416 ·
Well I took her out last night. We went to a restaurant. I tried to just enjoy her company but I couldn't help feeling I was with a very immature girl with little to say apart from fishing for compliments about her body. She couldn't leave her cell phone alone, constantly taking photos and putting them on snapchat what ever that is! She was trying to impress me by telling me how expensive her shoes and hand bag were and I really tried to have an asult conversation but it was difficult at times...still she felt she wanted to kiss me and hold hands but I can't do this. It feels wrong The age/ generation/ cultural gap is too much. She is very keen but I need to let her down gently somehow not used to this after the ordeal I have been through. Don't want to break her heart but can't let this continue..I've learned my lesson and realised what is important to me..Oddly, I miss my ex wife in away..she was real and had the same values as me. Not sure what my next move should be now.
 
#422 ·
She sounds just like your wife when the two of you meet !! Turned out really well te last time, right?
 
#423 ·
She is similar in some ways to my ex..she did the same thing when she was 19...dating wealtier older men..flaunting herself...I've never experienced it as I didn't have any money and didn't hang out with girls like that. This chick messages me all day..she is a lot of fun..she told me she is a virgin but keeps sending me sexy snaps! Bit weird as I doubt she would let me touch her in that way..not that I would want to.

I probably needed this to help me come out of my shell a bit. Maybe now I could find someone genuine...not sure as dating at this point may be a bad idea all together.
 
#424 ·
No, not similar in someways, is your wife at 19, will marry someone like you and 15 years or so do the exact same-thing to her husband. You have a choices: use her and disgard when done like your WW FBs did, get invovled endure the same thing in 5 years just different dialogue, or stop it, explain what you have endured and challenge her to have a better life and provide references to do so.

Crossroads: chose who you are!
 
#425 ·
Perhaps @Uptown can provide some links to share with her. This is way out of his wheel house but he is well rounded and might have sone ideas.
 
#433 ·
I agree with blueinbr...This girl may be too young for me, too childish, but she lights me up! I needed this if nothing else to give me back the confidence and ability to see beyond the supressed tunnel visioned view of my life. She keeps me smiling all day. Today we met at head office..she looked incredible...but I see past her looks and know deep down that nothing would progress here apart from a friendship...I think I probably am ready to date again. This has been a kind of test to see if I can still flirt and charm a woman..call it a practice run for better things to come..be it my ex wife or someone else..I won't rush into anything though..I know I am damaged in some ways so will be careful not expose myself to a big fall. I've attached a clip of this girl..it reflects her personality and I hope you can see why I am attracted to her.
 
#435 ·
Andy, I suggest you remove her photo as you are endangering her privacy. She may go and post a million Instagrams or whatever, but that's her choice. It doesn't give you express permission to put her on a public forum.

And I'll be honest, I think she is pretty. But the duckface has got to go. Stop acting like a teen. Sheesh!
 
#438 ·
You played yourself.
Yes, it hurts. In this case, however, I think this pain is going to finally heal you and get you to move forward with your life. We've been begging you to do that all along.

It hurts.
Use it.
Focus on moving forward.
Find someone to get YOUR mind on. No need to get married for a long time. Just find someone to get your mind off your ex.
 
#440 ·
Bullsyht he is not new!! Nothing has changed. She is who she is and will always be so. The question is who will you be. I left your threads early on because you convinced me you where who you portrayed yourself. I happened to look at this thread abs started reading and wondering why is this guy so down on himself. So just stop the pitty party and get off your ass and get a real life. Get her out of the house, get at 50 percent custody and be the stable parent. Do not let your ex gaslight you snd hold the mirror up to her actions.
 
#447 ·
Andy, you have to man up, start doing things for yourself. You are obviously a very attractive 44 year old if a 19 year old girl finds you irresistible :D

Go back to the gym, join a dating website, start going on dates with women nearer to your age. There are plenty of good woman out there. You have nothing to lose.

Your XW has moved on, you have to move on, you have beautiful kids and will always have them in your life, you are still young, you could meet someone who will actually love you and treat you the way you want to be treated. You have your whole life ahead of you and it depends on what YOU decide to make of it.
Your new life begins TODAY!
 
#448 ·
I know..things have to change. I have to protect myself and the kids...I have seen her do this before even though now it's not my business to get involved. The feelings are the same and I am re living the nightmare from the past. The difference being, I cannot go through it again and need to move on. I am also considering my options regarding the house. She knows that I will likely want to sell the house as I need to cut my ties and detach..even though this is a really hard thing for me to do. Something I never imagined I would have to deal with. I don't want the kids loosing their home but equally don't want men making themselves comfortable in my house...I even stipulated this in the divorce papers. I'm just so lost right now, even though I have been living alone with no real hope of any reconcilliation.
 
#449 ·
Andy,

The kids need a healthy father. You won't be healthy until you sell the house.

You have some lingering hope of "going home", back to the house, back to your family, back to your wife.

It hurts my friend but you are divorced. Just like millions of others.

There is a better person out there than your ex. You will find her.

The kids will adapt to a different place to live. They need you to heal.

You are using the kids excuse to keep the house. But you really don't want to close the door on hope of going home.

Andy, sell the house. You know it needs to be done. For you. And for a better father to the kids.

No time is better than now.
 
#451 ·
@lifeistooshort wrote one year ago (Jan 2016)

The marriage can't work because your wife doesn't want to be married to you. You think it can work because you're not detached from her, she isn't the one who pushed you away
So of course your perspective is different. Time for you to accept that.

Keep in mind that whether she gets involved with men isn't your business, your marriage is over.

It would be nice if she waits until you're officially divorced but after that she can do what she wants, just like you.

Keep bettering yourself as a person, that's good for you.



If it was true one year ago, it remains true today. She has a right to be happy.
 
#452 ·
I know it's not my business but I still love her. We have so much still invested together. I know she doesn't want to be with me but I am struggling to let go. I am trying to deal with the news best I can and keep my distance. Not sure what else to do..
 
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