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Separated wife only wants to be friends

124K views 521 replies 69 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Hi all.

If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.

Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?

She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
 
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#454 · (Edited)
Andy,

"Not sure what else to do." ? You are very good at what you do professionally. Do you tell your clients that you are not sure what else to do? I think not. You KNOW what you need to do. You just are having trouble doing it. Do it one step at a time.

Rather than make this into an impossible task of "moving on", do what a Project Manager would do. Break the project down into individual achieveable tasks.

1) Put the house up for sale. Just do it. Stop procrastinating.
2) Any money for extras gets handed by you to the girls, not to your wife.
3) Any assets in the house that are still yours get removed.
4) Any pictures of ex in your current home get removed. Not thrown out, just put into a box.
5) Purge your belongings of anything that reminds you of ex.
6) Sign up for dating sites.
7) Hang out with co-workers. They have sisters, female friends, wives that have friends that can help match you up.
8) You need dates. Not so much a relationship but dates.
9) Join a group with activity you like that has women so that you can get used to being around them.
10) Read books on building confidence.
11) Are you in therapy? You love an image of your wife. You CAN'T love the woman that we read about in these 400+ posts. She is a controlling, manipulate *****.

Make you own list.

It will kill you to think another guy is in your house with your wife.

Get rid of the fracking house now.

So your next assignment is to make you project task list (not mine above but there will be some overlaps) and post it into this thread by Monday.

And we want to hear about what you are doing socially, even if it is drinking a pint at the pub with your mates. Me, I'm going to the bar tonight with some coworkers and some friends. It's better than sitting home sulking. And no drunk texting your ex. Turn off your phone when you enter the pub.

Blue

BTW, you don't "STILL have so much invested." You co-parent. That is it.
 
#455 ·
Many of us still love the person we know doesn't work for us. But we move on anyway -- no matter how much we would rather not have to.

Your wife isn't interested in you and hasn't been for awhile now. Don't use love for her as a reason to not fully commit to a new life. Time to let that part of your life go.
 
#456 ·
Many of us still love the person we know doesn't work for us. But we move on anyway -- no matter how much we would rather not have to.



Your wife isn't interested in you and hasn't been for awhile now. Don't use love for her as a reason to not fully commit to a new life. Time to let that part of your life go.


Easier said than done.

How do you move on when you have to keep seeing the person?
 
#457 ·
Hi,

No buddy thing, and no friends with benefits. Ask to move back in, commit to working on the relationship, sex, romance, communication, therapy by a trained therapist by John Gottman, Ph.D. If you both decide to give it a go do this too. Go to a Dr. John Gottman Ph.D's marriage seminars, listed to Dr. Gottmans Audio CD book called. "what makes love last." Six Audio CD's and appendixes that you both complete to understand your relationship, communication style, trust and betrayal levels that if you do not attune to will ultimately lead to divorce. He can tell up to 75% accuracy who will divorce. This relationship scientist knows beyond scientific fact how to fix marriages to the pre-marital bliss state for the most part for most couples. Read and do all the book work and self and together practice to bet back that spark, or feeling to begin a new in a trust and safe place together.

In Recap
Give a dealine for her to choose to comeback and start loving.
Listen and be supportive, No you did statements to her, If she does them to you stay neutral, say I hear you, then say is there anything else that I need to hear that I had not asked or in-tune to understand. You just opened a door for a pleasing discussion or peace that she feels heard.
See a therapist
Do read, listen, practice the stuff from the book i mentioned above. It will list everything you both to learn that you had no clue what both of you were doing wrong. Once you start this book you are not going to believe how you both have been sabotaging real intimacy to love where you leave, separate or divorce from the relationship. I am not talking sex her. That is later in the book.

Work on the tips and master them. Your marriage should become what hoped for and dreamed of.
If you are at a point that you feel that there is no chance. It's o.k. Read, listen, and do the exercises because it will only make you wise, relate better, and understand why we treat a stranger better than our spouses.

Good Luck.

David
 
#458 · (Edited)
Hi,



No buddy thing, and no friends with benefits. Ask to move back in, commit to working on the relationship, sex, romance, communication, therapy by a trained therapist by John Gottman, Ph.D. If you both decide to give it a go do this too. Go to a Dr. John Gottman Ph.D's marriage seminars, listed to Dr. Gottmans Audio CD book called. "what makes love last." Six Audio CD's and appendixes that you both complete to understand your relationship, communication style, trust and betrayal levels that if you do not attune to will ultimately lead to divorce. He can tell up to 75% accuracy who will divorce. This relationship scientist knows beyond scientific fact how to fix marriages to the pre-marital bliss state for the most part for most couples. Read and do all the book work and self and together practice to bet back that spark, or feeling to begin a new in a trust and safe place together.



In Recap

Give a dealine for her to choose to comeback and start loving.

Listen and be supportive, No you did statements to her, If she does them to you stay neutral, say I hear you, then say is there anything else that I need to hear that I had not asked or in-tune to understand. You just opened a door for a pleasing discussion or peace that she feels heard.

See a therapist

Do read, listen, practice the stuff from the book i mentioned above. It will list everything you both to learn that you had no clue what both of you were doing wrong. Once you start this book you are not going to believe how you both have been sabotaging real intimacy to love where you leave, separate or divorce from the relationship. I am not talking sex her. That is later in the book.



Work on the tips and master them. Your marriage should become what hoped for and dreamed of.

If you are at a point that you feel that there is no chance. It's o.k. Read, listen, and do the exercises because it will only make you wise, relate better, and understand why we treat a stranger better than our spouses.



Good Luck.



David


Stop posting this spam garbage all over this site.

Same cut and paste infomercial you posted several times already?

How did that advice work for you?
 
#461 ·
Yes I have to admit that the new man has been a wake up call. It brings back all the bad memories from the past but I can't stick around for another beating. She understands that I don't want to see her or speak to her even though deep down I want to. She has become like a drug to me . But I realise that I probably never really had her. At least not for last 4 years. Men were always in the back ground trying their luck. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other. Its as if we have just split up again as looking back, I have been in denial for this past year. Blue wants me to make a list and that will come but right now I am remembering when I first met her and at the same time, I feel a bit anxious as to what to do first. So much time wasted over a pipe dream. The business with the house will take time. I need to consult a lawyer first. I will collect the rest of my stuff from the attic and change my address. I need a clean break. All this feels so surreal. Never thought I would actually seriously start doing this.
 
#462 ·
Your wife is broken and will never have a real marriage. You seem very co-dependent and until that is correct neither will you. Stop the pity party focus on your strengths and work on your weakness.
 
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#463 ·
I was drugged on Friday night so I know a little what you are going through.

You dont need a big list to start. Three items in the next 7 days

1) start changing your address on all your papers
2) get your stuff out of the attic
3). Add one more

Going to the gym is always at the top. Number 0. Are you going to the gym?
 
#467 ·
No medication for anxiety. I'm not really anxious as such, just in shock. I've had a bad weekend, my car was broken into, I found out the 19 yr old just plays games with older men, but I knew that really, and my ex has a new guy...alot for three days.

I spoke to my ex w tonight to discuss our arrangements and I wanted to know why she had shut me out. She said that she was worried that I would get angry about the new guy and want to stop all communication. She said that we can still be friends and carry on as before and both have an input in the girls lives together regardless of what she does in her private life. She is aware that the house will have to be sold and accepts that I have to do what I think is right.

Thats fine. I will just carry on with my own plans and dig myself out of this hole and move forward. I've been a fool for long enough. I'll deal with the house and give her notice.

Just have to deal with the reality check that I've been avoiding this past year.
 
#469 ·
Went to the gym today as a first step..my ex was in there too! She looked amazing, she's lost weight and looks hot..I told her she did..and I think thats one of my biggest problems...I idolise her body, I can't imagine anyone being like her..she talks to me like dirt and I don't seem to mind...now she's getting herself fit for the other guy...How do I get her looks out of my head and see her for who she is? Its a small town, I can't avoid her.
 
#473 ·
The treating me like dirt has stopped. I had enough her bs. The final straw came when she told me not to contact her anymore as she would tell me if there was a problem. She became hostile because I wasn't happy about this guy being around the girls so soon.

I called her on all her flirting and game playing with other men over the years I finally told her what I think she is..it was liberating...she seems to think that I wasn't man enough to confront her and stop her looking else where. She believes that I buried my head in the sand when the marriage needed saving.

She can't excuse or deny what she did to me and it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I call her to task from this day forward as maybe I should have done instead of being weak mr nice guy.

She needs attention like I've never known. The new guy will get it all soon..noy my problem....what I need is closure on this nightmare...that would the best thing now but how do people get closure? How can I clear my mind of all the regrets and failures of the last 10 years? I do see the future finally. Just took a 2x4 to the head to get there.
 
#475 ·
My wife and I split 3 months ago, after I lost her trust when once again I smoked weed when I promised I wouldn't. I'd only have a toke every 3 months but the fact I kept doing it was grounds for her
to leave me. I was with her for 17 years and have 2 great kids together.
She is my soul and best friend but at the same time she was very controlive to the point I didn't even know how much I had become molded by her. Funny thing is I was still never good enough. My whole family could see I wasn't me anymore. But over such a long period of time I didn't see it.
I was her first and only so she has no one to compare me to. But although I made mistakes I was always there for her and the kids and put myself last in many ways to show her how important she was.
Problem is I have know idea who I am now. My wife and best friend, just gone! She is being so dame nice durring all this, it screws me up because it's like we are the same but without the relationship if that makes any sense? I understand I lost her trust! A big deal breaker, but with all my other great qualities I feel she should have worked with me to stop my issues,rather then throw it all away! Am I wrong here? Is what I've done worth where I am? I feel we were worth fighting for, she had done worse and I looked past it (not cheated). Do I just move on? Or will her gaining more expirance show her that we were actually pretty sepecial?
 
#481 ·
Hi all.
I would like some hard advice. My ex crossed the line tonight. I couldn't believe my ears.
I am on a course a few hundred miles away. I was due to pick up the kids on Friday night but will be delayed. My ex told me that if I didn't pick them up, her new boyfriend would be putting them to bed and reading them their story and then he would replace me as their dad. She continued that she would then pursue me for child maintenance additional to what I am paying...All becuase she had plans with him that night.

I don't really know what to do. The house will be sold now without question but I didn't want to put the kids in that position. I also didn't want to force her and the kids to move away if they lost their home.

I told her how disgusting she is and thanked her for showing me the person she really is and to keep this guy out of our daughters room.

Any advice?
 
#483 ·
My goodness, Andy, this is just a trainwreck. I'm so sorry she's this kind of person, but you're right, at least she's showed you fully now.

He can't replace you as their father by simply being there for a bedtime story. Gus is right, stand your ground.

This reeks of a jaded lover that still has feelings for you and now is just trying to hurt you because you didn't give her what she wanted. I'm not at all saying you should have at this point; clearly someone that makes that kind of threat doesn't deserve your forgiveness.

The really crappy thing about this is the relationship with this guy isn't going to last. If it was healthy it could actually help you move on to a better life that's free of her but if she's using him as leverage against you already, f#$k man. As soon as it ends don't be surprised if she pivots back to wanting forgiveness or another chance.

I don't even know what advice to give other than to get your lawyer involved and start documenting this kind of stuff because it'll likely get worse until the new BF realizes she's completely unstable. I truly feel for you.
 
#484 ·
Communicate only through text and email. In that way you have a paper trail to show any judge if needed.

Concerning " I didn't want to put the kids in that position. I also didn't want to force her and the kids to move away if they lost their home", your EX WIFE put the kids in that position. SHE made that choice, not you.

You didn't FORCE her to break up the family.
 
#487 ·
The best way to win the game is to not play.

Her response is emotional threatening at its finest and you fell for it.

You need to learn to stop fearing her and be proactive about protecting yourself and your kids. Get the ball rolling behind the scenes. Document everything and keep it safe in 2 places.
 
#488 ·
Popism..... You can't lose a game if you take it away before you can lose it
 
#491 ·
Another vile torrent followed last night. I was told that if I didn't get back in time to collect the kids, she would have no choice but to invite her guy to the house and take the relationship to the next level, sooner than she had hoped. She continued by saying that she wanted to keep her dating on a casual basis but I left her no choice!

I did make it back and get the girls out of there. I have no idea if that was her plan anyway tonight and she was just emotionally blackmailing me.

This is a woman I trusted and loved for over a decade. I am struggling to believe that someone could be so cruel to another human being let alone the father of her kids.

I will contact my accountant and solicitor on Monday regarding protecting my assets. I am worried that if try and sell the house right now, she may go for my money. In a way she exposed her hand so it will give me some time to get my house in order.

My mental state is my main concern now. She is barely recognisable since the new guy..she looks at me like she wants to kill me...how can she just switch like this?
Is this a normal pattern of behaviour when someone has a new love interest after divorce?

She hates me ignoring her and just makes her more demanding and vindictive. I'm not being mr nice guy. I'm just being careful of her games as she really is dangerous.
 
#494 ·
Another vile torrent followed last night. I was told that if I didn't get back in time to collect the kids, she would have no choice but to invite her guy to the house and take the relationship to the next level, sooner than she had hoped. She continued by saying that she wanted to keep her dating on a casual basis but I left her no choice!

I did make it back and get the girls out of there. I have no idea if that was her plan anyway tonight and she was just emotionally blackmailing me.

This is a woman I trusted and loved for over a decade. I am struggling to believe that someone could be so cruel to another human being let alone the father of her kids.

Why can't you believe? This maybe worse but certainly isn't new.

I will contact my accountant and solicitor on Monday regarding protecting my assets. I am worried that if try and sell the house right now, she may go for my money. In a way she exposed her hand so it will give me some time to get my house in order.

My mental state is my main concern now. She is barely recognisable since the new guy..she looks at me like she wants to kill me...how can she just switch like this?
Is this a normal pattern of behaviour when someone has a new love interest after divorce?

You've told her through your actions, etc that she can treat you as she pleases.

She hates me ignoring her and just makes her more demanding and vindictive. I'm not being mr nice guy. I'm just being careful of her games as she really is dangerous.

You were way past Mr Nice a Guy a long time ago.
People treat you like you let them. She has you under total control. Maybe you should try standing up for yourself. Nothing else worked.

It isn't as if she hasn't been jerking you around for a long, long time
 
#493 ·
Andy,

You got it right. She hates you ignoring her.

Now you know what she really is like. The love goggles are off you.

Eventually you will see she ALWAYS was like this. You just couldn't see it. We could. From the start. You wrote it but just couldn't see it. Now you do. Finally.

Next step. Protect your assets and parental rights. Play nice while you get that done. Until it's done.

She has no intention to keep it causal. She wants the kids gone so she can **** him at his place. She sees the kids as baggage and hindrance to her sexual fun.

Such an evil witch and mother.

You made progress here. Well done.

Knowledge is power. You are gaining the knowledge.
 
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