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Separated wife only wants to be friends

124K views 521 replies 69 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Hi all.

If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.

Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?

She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
 
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#498 ·
Yes you guys are right. When you pull up old replies, I can see I was being played all along. I just thought by being nice to her and improving myself she would come round. I even bought her a £400 coat for Christmas because she was cold. Now she wears it to go out with the guy..what a sucker!

Last night I went to pick the kids up and she I asked what she was going to see as she had told me she tickets for something...she didn't have tickets...just more lies. She didn't go out at all it was all a nasty game. Her concern is that I was only having the girls on a saturday night for the past year and she now wants me to have them for the full weekend. As I intially refused out of principle as she kept saying that WE had agreed to this..we hadn't...she dictated what she wanted and I have to roll with it. I don't mind them staying..just not on her terms as like blue said, its just for her sexual endeavours.

She wants me to take all my stuff from the attic..which I will do as I need to slowly remove any bargaining tools. I will leave the house til last as it will no doubt send her in a frenzy. The guy and his kids have been to the house already, he is a divorced Italian with three young kids of his own.

She has reverted back to her "midlife crisis" state but that was probably a permenaent feature, I just didn't want to see it. I buried my head in the sand for the entire marriage. I didn't want to loose her at any cost but was never good enough for her and she made me feel I was always in the wrong..even my mom said my self esteem was damaged.

I am limiting contact now. There is no point in getting into discussions. She messaged me last night to see how the girls were. I tried to be civil but just get one word replies of "thanks". She seems to not be able to separate being friendly to me and having a love interest. Just like before. It will take her relationship to bomb before she turns to me again....I hope I'll be long down the road by then.
 
#504 ·
HTML:
Yes you guys are right. When you pull up old replies, I can see I was being played all along. I just thought by being nice to her and improving myself she would come round. I even bought her a £400 coat for Christmas because she was cold. Now she wears it to go out with the guy..what a sucker!

All you ever done is try and nice her back. You've been told this never works many times for as long as you've been here but you never listen or reason

Last night I went to pick the kids up and she I asked what she was going to see as she had told me she tickets for something...she didn't have tickets...just more lies. She didn't go out at all it was all a nasty game. Her concern is that I was only having the girls on a saturday night for the past year and she now wants me to have them for the full weekend. As I intially refused out of principle as she kept saying that WE had agreed to this..we hadn't...she dictated what she wanted and I have to roll with it. I don't mind them staying..just not on her terms as like blue said, its just for her sexual

Doesn't sound like no contact to me. You can't stop

She wants me to take all my stuff from the attic..which I will do as I need to slowly remove any bargaining tools. I will leave the house til last as it will no doubt send her in a frenzy. The guy and his kids have been to the house already, he is a divorced Italian with three young kids of his own.

She has reverted back to her "midlife crisis" state but that was probably a permenaent feature, I just didn't want to see it. I buried my head in the sand for the entire marriage. I didn't want to loose her at any cost but was never good enough for her and she made me feel I was always in the wrong..even my mom said my self esteem was damaged.

You still are.

I am limiting contact now. There is no point in getting into discussions. She messaged me last night to see how the girls were. I tried to be civil but just get one word replies of "thanks". She seems to not be able to separate being friendly to me and having a love interest. Just like before. It will take her relationship to bomb before she turns to me again....I hope I'll be long down the road by then.

Really? For what the 32nd time?
You've been coming here whining for what two years now? You never do anything to move on or help yourself.

Go back and Reread all your posts. Nothing has changed or is any different than when you first started.

Your wife maybe a bad person but you are your worst problem.

You can't/don't fix that you'll just continue to be the victim. Your wife gets a perverse pleasure out of kicking whipped puppys. You just keep rolling over for her.

What is it you want? People to feel sorry for you? Upfront maybe but after this long I think more disgust than anything else.
 
#499 · (Edited)
After all this, all that you wrote, why would you want HER back? Really?

Sadly, you are still hoping for this and still think it might happen. Until you realize it won't happen, you will NEVER be free of her control.

It's not that you weren't good enough for her, she was never good enough for you.

Get your stuff out of the house. Sell the house. In my opinion you are stalling on this because you think she will want you back and you can go home again.

Stop calling it a MLC. It's not.

Keep posting Andy.
 
#501 ·
I guess at the back of my mind I always held some hope that things would change. That she would change. The house is an issue but I have to be careful right now and cut off all her other tactics. She knows that her sleeping with the guy will get to me. And on here I can admit that it does. Afterall, she was my wife and I was very attached to her.

My daughter told me today that the ex met this guy on Tinder. Which explains the timeline from the day the divorce was made final. Too much of a coincidence..she had planned this for a long time. I just didn't realise any of it. Feel so darn stupid now.
 
#505 ·
Marc878...you are correct. I haven't listened. I thought the advice was harsh and that my ex couldn't possibly be that bad. Now I see her prove me wrong on a daily basis. I just loved her..I did everything I could to please her and she repays me like this. I've been such a dxxk.

The divorce is done so I guess I owe her nothing. The kids are the only thing left in common. I still thought as parents we should have been friendly but she now doesn't even want that. The kids have told me that mom doesn't play with them anymore and is always messaging that guy. Feel bad for them as she always put them first but now she is engrossed in her new interest..I just make sure that I make up for it the best I can.
 
#506 ·
Marc878...you are correct. I haven't listened. I thought the advice was harsh and that my ex couldn't possibly be that bad. Now I see her prove me wrong on a daily basis. I just loved her..I did everything I could to please her and she repays me like this. I've been such a dxxk.

Take her off the damn pedestal you've had her on. Write good and bad points down on paper and finally wake up to who she is. Being Mr Nice Guy has just gotten you walked on. She treats you as you let her. Wake up to reality for once in your life.

The divorce is done so I guess I owe her nothing. The kids are the only thing left in common. I still thought as parents we should have been friendly but she now doesn't even want that. The kids have told me that mom doesn't play with them anymore and is always messaging that guy. Feel bad for them as she always put them first but now she is engrossed in her new interest..I just make sure that I make up for it the best I can.

You can not control what she does. You can only control/fix your end.
You've fought against what everyone else is seeing and the truth for too long. Wake up!!!
It's very disturbing to see you continue to wallow in this ****.

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

Do you really want your kids growing up see their dad treated like crap and taking it? Make no mistake your actions affect them. They are smart and see this crap. What in the hell do you think they are thinking?
 
#508 ·
Andy, you could do this. Many have.

If you want to have a meaningful and enjoyable life you have to purge the X from it.

Don't use the excuse of having kids together to not have a good 180. It's doable.

Never answer her phone calls direct, any calls, texts, emails not about the kids ignore and delete.

One day at a time. Pickups and drop offs keep to 5 minutes
 
#510 ·
Keep in mind as long as YOU keep the X in your life in any capacity she'll adversely affect it. Any future relationships will be affected from your distraction and/or her interference. No other woman will want that in a relationship.

Better get moving. Unless you like where you've been and want to linger in it.
 
#511 ·
She has reverted
No, she didn't. She showed you her true colors and like they say once the genie is out......

Yeah it is your marriage, but lets be honest with each other now. She had every RIGHT to be angry with your porn use. She had every right to divorce you over the issue when you were warned. Let's make one thing absolutely clear SHE is the only one who has held fast to EVERY boundary you have related to us in this thread. Here's the thing, you have noted MULTIPLE partners in her cheating. This is where my problem lies in you saying she reverted back.

If your child brings home a failing grade, you don't beat them, move them to a new school and hold them back a grade. You work with them.
Yes, your porn use was awful to her, but the response isn't to go out and have sex with every guy you meet because your husband made you feel inadequate. You work with him or leave.

Mid life was a way to keep you around and it worked.
 
#513 · (Edited)
why are you not going back to your house to live. Tell your wife you have a right and you want to be with your kids. Show wife you have guts which she think you do not have. I think she is seeing someone (confirmed did not read every thing). her accusing you of porn is a lame excuse to end the marriage

I need to consult a lawyer first. I will collect the rest of my stuff from the attic and change my address. I need a clean break. All this feels so surreal. Never thought I would actually seriously start doing this. NO DO THE OPPOSITE MOVE IN SAY YOU DO NOT LIKE MEN AROUND YOUR KIDS. This will irritate as well. You were a fool to move out in the first place
 
#514 ·
It still drives me crazy though. She xame to pick the kids up and looked hot. I didn't say anything, just handed over their weekend bag. She asked if they had a good weekend. I said yes fine thanks. Later I wanted to know if they had settled ok for the night. She text saying that they had a good weekend and that I am doing a good job....but it was worded in a way that isn't her normal way if writing...I left it at that as she was online to the other guy. Why can I not just stop thinking about her? Its not healthy anymore.
 
#515 ·
Andy,

I have been a follower of you since the beginning. We joined TAM same day, in same professional, and both were addicted to women we cannot have. I won't insult you by comparing my story to yours, but I do somewhat understand what you are doing through.

The other posters are right. You will be able to move on once you find another woman. (For me it helped to go no contact or greatly reduced contact since we still work in same place.) You cannot go no contact because of the girls. But you can move on. One day at a time.

Now that you KNOW, KNOW, KNOW she is playing a game with you, that has got to help, at least logically. You can choose to play, or not. You are not a dog that needs a "good boy" from your ex. Unlike many of the others, I think you need a date or two. Someone over 35 yo.

You never did tell us your weight and height. We know you lost 4 stone a while back and got slimmer. Are you very fit? Why not? Get fit for YOU. She will notice, but that is not your motive.

I might be wrong here, so I apologize in advance if I am, since I have no kids, but are you using the kids as an excuse to text your ex? Asking if they are "settled ok for the night"? What kind of reply did you expect? Asking if the kids had a good weekend is ok, as you are asking if they are any problems. Asking if they are in bed is a stretch, unless there is some issue (insomnia, nightmares, etc) that would warrant this question.

Texting is torture when trying to forget someone. Every text, even from the ***** of an ex wife that you have, gives you a rush. Text ONLY WHEN NECESSARY. Can you do that?

Trying listing what is good about you. This is what I see:

1) Prime age - sought after by woman
2) Physically fit (maybe can do a little better by hitting the gym more)
3) Great profession/career
4) Financially stable
5) Very caring, loving father
6) Great friend

Update and change your hair style and appearance. Ditch the same old cut, ask your barber for something more modern. It boosts confidence. Get some better clothes. Dress sharp, at work, at home, when you pick up the girls. (But don't do it for ex). It made a big difference to how I felt and helped me through my issue.

And your question isn't "Why can I not just stop thinking about her?" It is "Why WON'T I just stop thinking about her?"

I think you know the answer so your friends here will ask the ultimate question:

"Do you want to get back with her or do you hope to get back with her?" If the answer to either of those is Yes or maybe, that is why you won't or can't stop thinking about her.
 
#517 ·
Even if he doesn't realize it the whole texting about the kids was just an excuse to make contact with her.

While a date or two would give him an ego boost and a temporary boost in self confidence he hasn't even accepted the fact he's divorced yet. He's got to figure out and fix why he's so stuck and get himself confident in himself otherwise he's just going to pick another that will walk all over him.
 
#516 ·
I have not read the last few replies but from what I can see you have tried to buy her love

when you should have been commanding her respect. You must unlearn what you have learned.

She is NOT your W, your partner, your friend, your comrade, she is you ADVERSARY.

NOTHING will change until YOU decide it to. Now I will be cold blooded....

She jokes about you with her b/f, they spend your kid's money on their needs, desires,

If she tried to do to POSOM what she did to you, he would tell her to "kiss off"

This is a pattern you MUST break.... you should want respect more than anything.

Her disagreeing but respecting is a boatload better than her using you as a puppet for her amusement.

Like a drunk admitting s/he is a drunk, that is the first step AND half the battle.

Grow back your balls and start dictating. She don't like it, awww po baybee, see you in court.

Even if you lose on every front, you go down fighting....... BTW that never happens....
 
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