Separated wife only wants to be friends - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 09:38 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

She is done with you Andy. You've got to accept it.
She may say she wants to be friends one day, and tell you she only wants you to be involved with the kids and not speak to you the next.
When you move on and she sees it in your eyes, she may want back in, but doubtful. I assure you she isn't done with men.

I say this strictly for YOUR benefit: detach and move on before you have to see her with another man.
Please, give up. Accept this.
Because there's nothing you can do about it. Only she can stop this, and women don't change their minds back to loving a guy very soon, if ever. It takes years, if it's even possible.
You have got to accept this divorce, or stay miserable. Great job on the porn and IC. But do it for you, not her.
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post #17 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 07:16 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Why do you want your wife so badly, now? When you were living with her you evidently preferred porn and took her for granted. Is it the fact that she doesn't want you?

What your wife is proposing is ridiculous. She's scared that she won't find another mate so she'll just keep the old one around for her enjoyment but she won't have to worry about what he's up to because you're divorced.

She wants to develop a friendship with you. That's saying that she doesn't consider you a friend, now. Don't play these games. She either wants a divorce with all its bells and whistles or she wants to be married to you.
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post #18 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 07:48 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
The other 'I want to be friends' mantra is given out by narcissists who don't mean it at all, and wish to keep the person on a string, yanking them to their every whim when it suits, and the person who is being yanked will oblige, because after all...they're ''friends.''
Andy,

I have been a guy who (willingly) was kept on a string and yanked. I fell for my friend, and I still refuse to believe she did this intentionally but everyone else tells me otherwise. I still care for the person, just like you love your wife. I put myself in my situation and I am owning up. I own where I am.

The others are right. She has not and will not give up men. I hated to listen to about my "friend"'s dates and I had fallen for her, one sided. Do you really think you can stomach hearing about your wife being with another man? She might tell you that she just "went on a date" or they are "just friends" when you know what they are doing. That will just kill you.

Do the 180 for yourself and your kids. Become a better man for yourself and your kids. Then you can go from there and see what happens.

Thanks to the TAMers I now know I have dishonored my wife. I will fix that. I am not there yet, but I know if I can get better, then you certainly can as you have shown more strength than I have.

Good luck Buddy.
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post #19 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

I have spent the last few days seeing the kids and getting on well with my wife. She seemed happy that I was around and felt that I was happier and the kids were happier too which pleased her. Problem is, I was trying to do a 180 but she now thinks that we are better as a family being apart and just meeting up for short periods! She feels that this is obviously the way forward for us. She thinks I have improved as a person and have worked on my issues and that it would not have happened whilst we were together! Now what? What have I done wrong to make her feel that this is the best option?

Tonight though, as I was sitting with her, she said that she feels suffocated with me being around so much even though she had no problem with me going to the house! I thought things were "ok". I got up and left. She wants me to go and pick up our youngest tomorrow because she has to work. Felt like crap. I just can't get anywhere. She wants to be friends but keeps changing the rules. when previously she suggested we have film nights together...now she says it's too soon. Please help me figure out this limbo I am in.
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post #20 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 03:20 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy,

time to put your foot down, since you haven't since this has begun. your not her freaking lapdog, so stop acting like that...for god sake stop being at her every whine, tell her tomorrow won't work because you have things to do...you not her maid, her babysitter, her handyman, her butler...so stop acting like a freaking doormat and grow up.
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post #21 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 03:45 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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I have spent the last few days seeing the kids and getting on well with my wife. She seemed happy that I was around and felt that I was happier and the kids were happier too which pleased her. Problem is, I was trying to do a 180 but she now thinks that we are better as a family being apart and just meeting up for short periods! She feels that this is obviously the way forward for us. She thinks I have improved as a person and have worked on my issues and that it would not have happened whilst we were together! Now what? What have I done wrong to make her feel that this is the best option?
Andy, you will never get anywhere with the approach you are taking. Stop trying to do the 180 and just DO IT. You are doing this for yourself, not to get your wife back. NEVER tell her you are working on your issues. That actually lowers her opinion of you and reminds her that your are defective. Just do it.

You not only want your wife you NEED your wife. And as long as you NEED her you will never get her back. You need to 180 to help you get to the point that you no longer NEED her. And once you no longer need her, your head will be clear enough to decide if you really want her. Probably not at that point. If she comes back to you later, then you can decide what to do.

Looking for scraps or hidden meaning in what your wife says or does at this point will kill you AND you will be WRONG most of the time. Your wife has told you point blank it is not going to happen now- you will not stay together as a family. The "friend" game will not happen. As long as you are her "friend" you will never ever again be her lover.

The short game will not work. Play the long game. Better yourself. At some later time R might be possible but it WILL NOT happen if you continue on your current path.
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post #22 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 03:58 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Ipreviously she suggested we have film nights together...now she says it's too soon. Please help me figure out this limbo I am in.
I think that others have already helped you to figure out your "limbo". You happiness currently depends on the whims of your soon to be ex. Take back control of your own life, improve yourself, gain self-confidence, then meet new people.
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post #23 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 04:25 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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The short game will not work. Play the long game. Better yourself. At some later time R might be possible but it WILL NOT happen if you continue on your current path.
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Take back control of your own life, improve yourself, gain self-confidence, then meet new people.
Andy, would you accept being apart from your wife for an entire year if it meant a chance to get her back? If yes, you need to mentally detach from her now. I will be extremely difficult, no doubt. But listen to @Steve1000. Take back control. As long as YOU LET your ex have the control you will never get her back and you will never emotionally move on.
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post #24 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 04:44 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Ask yourself this. Why are you letting her control your life?

You need to get out and do your own thing. You're not a helpless puppy eating on her beck and call.

Cmon man.
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post #25 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Yes you are all right. She messaged me to say sorry but that she felt uncomfortable with us sitting in front of the tv like old times....I didn't answer, little point. This situation could go on forever with her calling the shots. I just wanted to keep a relationship with her with the hope that she would see me differently but like Steve100 said, the short game will just keep the status quo as it is and will never change. In the end I will just feel like I am hanging around and not really wanted. I feel like a necessary inconvenience for the sake of the kids. Yesterday, nostalgically, she asked me why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring even though she removed hers months ago. She looks at me fondly but then feels like I am suffocating her...I need to back off or I will go insane playing these games.

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post #26 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:21 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Yes you are all right. She messaged me to say sorry but that she felt uncomfortable with us sitting in front of the tv like old times....I didn't answer, little point. This situation could go on forever with her calling the shots. I just wanted to keep a relationship with her with the hope that she would see me differently but like Steve100 said, the short game will just keep the status quo as it is and will never change. In the end I will just feel like I am hanging around and not really wanted. I feel like a necessary inconvenience for the sake of the kids. Yesterday, nostalgically, she asked me why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring even though she removed hers months ago. She looks at me fondly but then feels like I am suffocating her...I need to back off or I will go insane playing these games.
What was your response?

She wants a damn divorce. Give her one. She wanted space give it to her. Being a doormat has gotten you no respect. Can you not see this???????

You need to quit living in FEAR!!!!!! Of her. That's probably the single biggest reason she doesn't want you.

Go dark except for the kids. Find some things that you've always wanted to do. Start making a life for yourself. Yes it's gonna be hard but you gotta start somewhere.

I'd go out on a few dates. There is a world and another life out there.
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post #27 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:30 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

She took her ring off months ago and is stringing you along. She sounds done with you except for how you can make her life easier.

You're being played.

Have you read any of Athol Kay's books? If not, get started with Married Man Sex Life Primer. Don't wait.

Next time you get together, tell her it's time to set up standard visitation for the kids similar to what you guys would have in a divorce. Stop answering her texts except for those related to the kids. Stop doing things for her. Say no. Time to make it real.

Get out and use your free time like a single man. Cause that is what you are.
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post #28 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:30 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Lost's Story/Journal

Lots to learn.
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post #29 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:34 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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...I need to back off or I will go insane playing these games.

Your wife told you what she wants and you need to take her word for it. Accept that it hurts and will hurt for awhile. You will have many sleepless nights, but during these nights, think about what you will do with your future. Think of some adventures you can have that you never had time to dream of. The world is available to you.
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post #30 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:37 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Yesterday, nostalgically, she asked me why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring even though she removed hers months ago. She looks at me fondly but then feels like I am suffocating her..
Wow Andy. Just Wow. She is being a manipulative ***** and enjoying it. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing.
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