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post #31 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:38 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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I'd go out on a few dates. There is a world and another life out there.
Good advice, except I think he might still be a little too emotionally fragile to try to date right now. Rejection would be very devastating right now.

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post #32 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:42 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Have you read any of Athol Kay's books? If not, get started with Married Man Sex Life Primer. Don't wait.


His other great book is The Mindful Attraction Plan. Your wife is your energy vampire. Read the books in either order, but read them. (I would suggest read MAP first.) Step by step plan how to get rid of her from your life and take back control.
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post #33 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

She basically said that I had told her that I would keep it on because it was a sign of my commitment to her. After I moved out, I thought, it doesn't make any difference as she has not shown me anything positive. That is what I told her too.

She likes having me around and being a good dad to the kids but needs space to breathe but with her it's all about developing a friendship over time. That is not what I wanted when I met her and I don't want that now. She always seems to talk to me like a teacher would a pupil...she is very matter of fact, she is a sales woman, very rational and has all the right answers. She actually believes in a new family dynamic where I live in my house and she lives in hers and we co parent as buddies. All insane stuff.

If I met someone new, her bubble would burst like it did when we split up before. I met someone and she did a 180 in 24 hours....
This time there is a divorce in hand so I am not going to play games, just do the right thing by me and the kids.
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post #34 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:58 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Good advice, except I think he might still be a little too emotionally fragile to try to date right now. Rejection would be very devastating right now.
Nothing serious at this point. I agree. Just a friend etc for coffee or lunch.
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post #35 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 06:04 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy,

It is telling that she noticed the ring missing. She was still manipulating you or testing you with her comment.

Sales people manipulate. That is what they do. I was in marketing and working closely with sales for years with them under my guidance. Sales people know what to say to close the deal. She is trying to convince you to play by her rules for her benefit only. Make no mistake about that.

Your best way to burst her bubble is to not play her game. For starters, get your confidence up. Regardless of the current level you need it increased. Read Kay's books. You are not ready yet, but when you date, she will come around. She will try to manipulate you by throwing you some tidbits about being a family. Don't fall for that.
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post #36 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 06:07 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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She basically said that I had told her that I would keep it on because it was a sign of my commitment to her. After I moved out, I thought, it doesn't make any difference as she has not shown me anything positive. That is what I told her too.
Good answer!!! Do not put it back on.

She doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

She wants you as a pet at her discretion

Read up and change your life. You can do this.
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post #37 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 06:20 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

I dont recommend any female 'friends' for a while.

besides the fact you are still technically married, not fair to someone you might meet.

Spend lots of time healing instead.
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post #38 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 06:52 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Yeah, we will see how you feel when she has you where she wants, starts dating and you become the friendship babysitter.

Yes, I know, you do not babysit your own kids will be brought up. Well, if she calls him out of the blue and just happens to need her "friend" to watch them on an out of the ordinary day, he is babysitting for a date.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 04-09-2016 at 06:58 PM.
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post #39 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 08:21 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Is she changing the rules or working thru her own process? I recall when my husband and I divorced many years ago that there was a time when we were getting along as friends too but that did not last. I think it it the emotions were are experiencing that play out and this is what you are seeing in her.
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post #40 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 08:49 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

You have to detach. That's what the 180 is for. If you're watching tv and drinking wine together, you're not implementing the 180. You're providing the emotional benefits of male companionship without getting anything in return. That will suck you dry.

Right now you need to concentrate on being a stronger version of yourself. No more obsession over your STBXW. Get her off the pedestal. You need to connect with some male friends. Get out and do activities. (not clubbing or bar hopping) Something that will help you reconnect with your inner warrior. Because right now you seem REALLY weak.

Get your @ss in the gym. Maybe sign up for some martial arts training. In other words get in fighting shape. Also, make sure you're taking care of your appearance. Nothing will put a little bounce in your step, than liking what you see in the mirror. Get a flattering haircut. I'm not talking super cuts. Go to a good place and have the most flaming dude hook you up. Also make sure your hygiene is taken cared off. Women's sense of smell is more sensitive than a mans. And lastly make sure your gear is tight. Not talking metro sexual but don't be walking around like a people of Walmart poster child.

In other words work on you. When the time is right, God will bring a woman into your path. Who knows, it could be your STBXW that you win over.

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post #41 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
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Today I spent time with the kids. On my return to drop them home, my wife was a bit annoyed that I didn't reply to her appology last night. She said that she has only agreed to go out as a family in order to support me with the kids. She says it's not about 'us' right now. She feels uncomfortable atm for us to be spending time together alone. She also saud we need to restrict the amount of days I go to the house and see the kids....

That's ok with me. The pedastal is crumbling. I seem to treat her like she is the only woman that will ever have me. I haven't really dated or been involved with anyone else for 13 years. She is all I know and want.

Her perception seems to be that she is not intending to date anyone else but expects the same from me. It' s almost as if she is playing a long game with me to see if her feelings change and she can test me along the way. God forbid if another woman came on the scene....it wouldn't even be factored into her plans....who knows..she may be relieved but I very much doubt it. She is a control freak, a planner with a bit if ocd. She likes familiarity and consistency and the girls are her world. Men generally piss her off, her longest relationship before me lasted 2 years. I need to detach for sure as nothing will change. She likes to know everything that I am doing...she can't handle me as a lone wolf. It's probably my greatest weapon in all this....I just need to figure how to use it.
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post #42 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Has your wife always been controlling?

No more. Let your actions show she does not get to take from you without giving. No more, OP.

Let me acquaint you with three words that are powerful in get inn this situation corrected:

"No, thank you."

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"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #43 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 11:05 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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She also saud we need to restrict the amount of days I go to the house and see the kids....
Heck no. She is being manipulative again. Andy, are you not planning 50% custody?

Do not let her use the kids against you. She will "offer" you a few pity days to see the kids as a way to control you. If you start dating then - bam - suddenly your access is restricted.

The days you spend with the kids are for you and them, not your wife. They are not HER kids that she is allowing you to see. They are YOUR kids too and you have equal right to see them equal time.

Last edited by blueinbr; 04-10-2016 at 11:28 AM.
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post #44 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 11:26 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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The days you spend with the kids are for you and them, not your wife. They are not HER kids that she is allowing to see. They are YOUR kids too and you have equal right to see them equal time.
QFT.


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post #45 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

180, 180, 180. Do it hard. You owe her no explanation. She wanted you out and space.

Give it to her. Become your own man. This maybe good for you long term.
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