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post #46 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 01:01 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Several TAMers have recommended MMSL primer. I'm going to strongly agree with them. This is a how to on becoming a better man, so you can be a better husband. The thinking is that as you become a better catch, the married man's sex life with his wife will improve but if not, you're in a position to end it with confidence that you'll be a catch for someone else.

In a marriage or LTR, this is something you can't fake. You can fake it until you make it with a STR. Because she doesn't know you that well. So impressing her would be easy but a wife of many years is different. She knows the real you. They won't be fooled by turning things around for a few weeks. When a wife pulls away, it takes a lot of effort to win them back.

Right now your wife is pulling away. She smells your neediness a mile away. Remember this woman knows you. Another guy can pull the same moves that you're doing and she would eat it up but coming from you, it comes across as weakness, which everyone knows repulses women.

You have to remember to not project what you want and think she wants the same. You want kindness, sweetness and that soft feminine smile that says everything is perfect as long as I'm with you. Her? She doesn't want that. She needs to see you strong, self sufficient and not trying to use the kids as a way to weasel up to her.

Like I said in my last post, you must work on being the best version of yourself. It must be done for you. If you win her back, awesome. If not you still must go forward. Growing up in a broken home, your kids will need a strong father more than ever.

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post #47 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
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I think half of my problem right now is the intense lonliness that I'm feeling. Even when I'm with the kids alone. Everyone I know is married and although they are supportive, when I go back to the room I am renting, I have to get in the car and go for a drive as I can't stand it.

Yes I do weasel up to her when I see the kids. She must sense that. That's why she says that right now, it's about the kids. I have got the primer and have read it. But it seems to concentrate on still being in a relationship.

My wife took a photo of me yesterday while we were all out....I look weak. There is a complete resignation about me like I haven't slept for weeks. I am smiling but there is sadness in my eyes. I miss my wife so badly that I don't know how to break the cycle I am in.

She messages me now and then during the day and sends me photos of what the kids are doing. I appreciate it..she must be lonely too sometimes. She thinks leaving me has done me good.....how?
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post #48 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 02:02 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

What she is doing is cruel. If she wants you gone, she should treat you like you have the plague. What she is doing is the worst thing someone can do. It's as bad as cheating almost. Letting you see and hear her just enough not to detach.
Keeping you on the hook.
You truly need to stop seeing her and having no contact. This is making you crazy. It did me.

Find out what makes you happy alone and stick with that until you're well. You will know you are well when you can see her and it doesn't hurt. You cannot get better without pain. But if you will force yourself to give up and move on, you WILL heal.
Please put the pirn behind you. I never had a problem with it, but I do not look at that stuff anymore. It's bad for one's mind and health, as you know.
You can be one a man lots of women would want, if you try.
What your wife is doing to you is wrong. Don't let her keep it up. Take your life back. You can.
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post #49 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 02:29 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I think half of my problem right now is the intense lonliness that I'm feeling. Even when I'm with the kids alone. Everyone I know is married and although they are supportive, when I go back to the room I am renting, I have to get in the car and go for a drive as I can't stand it.

Yes I do weasel up to her when I see the kids. She must sense that. That's why she says that right now, it's about the kids. I have got the primer and have read it. But it seems to concentrate on still being in a relationship.

My wife took a photo of me yesterday while we were all out....I look weak. There is a complete resignation about me like I haven't slept for weeks. I am smiling but there is sadness in my eyes. I miss my wife so badly that I don't know how to break the cycle I am in.

She messages me now and then during the day and sends me photos of what the kids are doing. I appreciate it..she must be lonely too sometimes. She thinks leaving me has done me good.....how?
Andy, @Evinrude58 is right. Your wife is being cruel and she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. Do not think that "she must be lonely too". You will never get out of this if you hold on to that hope. Not going to happen unless YOU CHANGE.

I just read your very two first posts and I am pissed. She is a manipulative ***** (or whatever slang you use in UK). She dated (and slept with) other guys, did cocaine, sent pictures of herself to other guys - in bikini and probably without. Jeez.

Your ONLY way out of this is to build your confidence and raise your sex market value. As long as you are needy she will control you. Your first two posts (I will read the rest later) indicate she flips out when you have attention of other women. That should be your game. She will control you without end to make sure that does not happen.

She is hot and in Sales. She is used to dealing with confidence men, power people, deciders. That is what she finds attractive. A confident man.

Oh, and she was doing porn too. So quit thinking that the divorce is caused by porn or you raising your daughter not to be just like her.

Do you know why she hated the porn? Because it was focusing your attention on other women and not her. She is attention needy.

Try Kay's Mindful Attraction Plan. You need to get to Phase 7, life without your wife.

Andy, it is going to be darn fracking difficult, lonely and hurting. But you can and will get through this. The most important thing is to stick with the schedule you set with wife. Be with kids on your night. DO NOT be the sudden babysitter when she has a date. Believe, she will HATE it when she calls you to babysit and you say you cannot be cause you already have plans. She will pump you to find out what and with whom.

Remember, play the long game. No woman wants a weasel. Be the alpha male lion.

BTW, just try telling her you want to speed up the divorce because you met a "friend" and it is unfair to your friend for you to date her while still married. But before you do that, go out and really make friends. No making up stories. Go have your life.

Last edited by blueinbr; 04-10-2016 at 03:19 PM.
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post #50 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Your wife has no moral high ground. She has done far worse to you than you did to her. I don't get it. I don't know why you don't tell her to go fvck herself and that you expect to get the kids half the time or you will get the courts involved. Fvck that bullsh!t. Stop being her doormat. She wipes her feet all over you and enjoys it.
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post #51 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
kids half the time
Did I miss something? Is Andy NOT already having the kids half time, now and future?

If anything the kids need HIM more than HER. She will make the kids into copies of her dysfunctional self unless he is in their lives at least 50% time.

ETA: Andy, the more time the kids spend with "mom" the more your wife will turn them against you - especially once you show signs of increased value and start dating.

Last edited by blueinbr; 04-10-2016 at 03:18 PM.
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post #52 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 03:16 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Wearing the ring was a sign of your commitment to her? Your commitment. That's why she's got you by your short hairs and is shaking the stuffing out of you.

She knows she's in the driver's seat and is seeing just how fast you can run. There is a slightly cloying feeling that this is part of her revenge. You must have really ticked her off with the porn.

So, tell us, why did you continue with the porn as it is usual for the woman to warn the man first. Are you still watching porn? Your wife may not feel safe with you, yet.
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post #53 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 03:45 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I think half of my problem right now is the intense lonliness that I'm feeling. Even when I'm with the kids alone. Everyone I know is married and although they are supportive, when I go back to the room I am renting, I have to get in the car and go for a drive as I can't stand it.

Yes I do weasel up to her when I see the kids. She must sense that. That's why she says that right now, it's about the kids. I have got the primer and have read it. But it seems to concentrate on still being in a relationship.

My wife took a photo of me yesterday while we were all out....I look weak. There is a complete resignation about me like I haven't slept for weeks. I am smiling but there is sadness in my eyes. I miss my wife so badly that I don't know how to break the cycle I am in.

She messages me now and then during the day and sends me photos of what the kids are doing. I appreciate it..she must be lonely too sometimes. She thinks leaving me has done me good.....how?

Damn Bro, I feel the pain in your words. Sending you a virtual man hug. I don't know if you believe in God, but in a situation like this, crying out for strength can get you through it. I know that in the low points in my life, getting on my knees in asking for forgiveness for what I've done and seeking his wisdom has gotten me through some really dark times in my life.

I don't want to sound preachy because this ain't that type of forum but put God first in your life, the rest will fall into place. Get busy working out. Make sure you're sleeping and eating quality food. Do this for you and your kid. She needs a strong daddy now more than ever.
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post #54 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 04:07 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I think half of my problem right now is the intense lonliness that I'm feeling. Even when I'm with the kids alone. Everyone I know is married and although they are supportive, when I go back to the room I am renting, I have to get in the car and go for a drive as I can't stand it.

Yes I do weasel up to her when I see the kids. She must sense that. That's why she says that right now, it's about the kids. I have got the primer and have read it. But it seems to concentrate on still being in a relationship.

My wife took a photo of me yesterday while we were all out....I look weak. There is a complete resignation about me like I haven't slept for weeks. I am smiling but there is sadness in my eyes. I miss my wife so badly that I don't know how to break the cycle I am in.

She messages me now and then during the day and sends me photos of what the kids are doing. I appreciate it..she must be lonely too sometimes. She thinks leaving me has done me good.....how?
You're weak because you're on the breadcrumb diet. You know deep down what you need to do here. No one is gonna do it for you.

I do hope you find your way
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post #55 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 05:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

blueinbr you are right in a lot of ways about her.

She needs attention, she recently asked me if I was still attracted to her.
She said in the heat of the moment when I was still looking to move that we will never get back together now...because I am a ditherer! She wants an assertive and confident man.
When my counselor suggested I date other women, and I told her...she turned pale and looked uncomfortable.
The porn was a big threat as she felt I was cheating on her hundreds of times and that she couldn't compete.
When I turned up to see the kids this week looking smart from work, I could see her checking me out...

Is she testing me? Has she got a game plan to see if I man up? She doesn't mention our marriage anymore or the porn. She knows I quit looking at that but she also knows that I love her and finds comfort in that. But....she gives me nothing back emotionally...does she really believe in her twisted fantasy that I would worship her for eternity?

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post #56 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 05:49 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Is she still sleeping around with other guys?
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post #57 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:11 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy Man, this is tough. @jsmart is right. Virtual hug to you.

So, what is your plan here? Not the plan to get her back, but the plan for the separation and divorce and custody of the kids. Forget what wife wants. What is that you will insist upon?

There is no limbo allowed. If this separation continues it moves to divorce - at YOUR insistence. Any prolonged separation - wife gets house and kids 90% of time, you live in rental with kids two nights a week - is not going to cut it.

Put all your chips in. Go to war with your STBXW over the assets and kids. Not in a revenge or vindictive way, but for equal assess to the kids. Right now your wife has nothing to lose as she knows you are kept at bay by her manipulation. When she realizes that her bubble and her plans for this are threatened by this now dominant man, she will react.

I don't buy this cheating on her a hundred times crap. It is internet porn. As long as you were not cheating her out of sex by doing it, it is survivable. Did I read that sex dropped off to almost zero? No wonder you watch porn. Many or most guys do. Porn built the VHS industry and much of the early internet.

She asked you if you were still attracted to her? Really?? WTF?? BTW, what did you say?

Yes, she is testing you with EVERYTHING she does. If she wants divorce then she should have moved right away or follow whatever are the UK laws. Preempt her by filing for divorce now and 50% custody AND the house.

Yes you are going to date other women. If nothing else just for coffee. Play it low key and tell them up front you are separated and moving towards divorce. If they reject you it is because you have too much current baggage (still married, right) not because of you.

Not sure what you told the counselor to make her turn pale. Does not matter.

So again, what is your plan? Long game, right? Fight for your kids! THAT is the kind of man, the only kind of man, your wife respects.

Print out the divorce papers or get a UK lawyer to draft them. Then present wife with YOUR separation demands, show her the papers, and if she does not agree, you file. Do you know what her first reaction will be - respect for you. Remember, divorce papers does not mean divorce. YOU can stop the process at any time.

Good luck, eat well, and work out at the gym. Other than the kids and your job, that is you top priority.
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post #58 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Well, She already filed in January. We have agreed terms and I will continue to pay half the mortgage as to keep the kids at home and get a good return when I decide to sell. We have 50% joint custody and she doesn't want anything from me except maintenance for the kids. She said in the papers that I was addicted to porn. BS but I accepted as in the uk it would take two years separation before you can even apply for divorce! I thought that if it is over and she doesn't want me, better to be free sooner rather than later. Also, I would see if she is serious about following it through.

She kept saying that I had everything and blew it...She did too but threw it away...or has she?
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post #59 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:34 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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blueinbr you are right in a lot of ways about her.

She needs attention, she recently asked me if I was still attracted to her.
She said in the heat of the moment when I was still looking to move that we will never get back together now...because I am a ditherer! She wants an assertive and confident man.
When my counselor suggested I date other women, and I told her...she turned pale and looked uncomfortable.
The porn was a big threat as she felt I was cheating on her hundreds of times and that she couldn't compete.
When I turned up to see the kids this week looking smart from work, I could see her checking me out...

Is she testing me? Has she got a game plan to see if I man up? She doesn't mention our marriage anymore or the porn. She knows I quit looking at that but she also knows that I love her and finds comfort in that. But....she gives me nothing back emotionally...does she really believe in her twisted fantasy that I would worship her for eternity?
She's not into you. She just doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy so she throws you a little bit of pity friendship.

We've all been telling you. Transform yourself. Make an achievable but challenging goal. It takes 40 weeks from inception to birth to create a new life. Make a promise to yourself that in 40 weeks, you'll do... Not for the wife but for you.

Prove to yourself that you're not done. Start watching movies, reading books and listening to music to inspire your inner warrior. You can become something more. You have to do it for you. Even if you divorce, you can probably win her back but you have to willing let her go. If she's meant for you, God will open that door but you have to do the work.
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post #60 of 484 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:55 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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I just read your very two first posts and I am pissed. She is a manipulative ***** (or whatever slang you use in UK). She dated (and slept with) other guys, did cocaine, sent pictures of herself to other guys - in bikini and probably without. Jeez.
Is this correct, Andy? This changes how I view your situation. You seem to be taking all of the blame for the marriage problems, when you were viewing porn. Compared to what your wife has done, that's nothing.
It would help if you were to stick to one thread and you explained your situation more fully, so you will get posts based on the full story rather than just part of it. You could just stick with this thread and add anything new as it comes up. The same people will stick with you then.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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