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post #61 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:19 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Well, She already filed in January. We have agreed terms and I will continue to pay half the mortgage as to keep the kids at home and get a good return when I decide to sell. We have 50% joint custody and she doesn't want anything from me except maintenance for the kids. She said in the papers that I was addicted to porn. BS but I accepted as in the uk it would take two years separation before you can even apply for divorce! I thought that if it is over and she doesn't want me, better to be free sooner rather than later. Also, I would see if she is serious about following it through.

She kept saying that I had everything and blew it...She did too but threw it away...or has she?
So basically you are letting her call all the shots with your life and future. Maybe she won't divorce me and I can go back to the doormat life?????

Why didn't you put her sh!t in the divorce papers?

You really need to wake up. How in the hell do you live like this????

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post #62 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:46 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

He was doing the porn and not having sex with her, if I recall correctly, and she is right to be pissed about that.
But what we appear to have is a master manipulator. She gives him just enough to let him hang himself.
Your only choice here is to detach and start seeing a female friend.
She will detect both and probably come back. Do you want her after all this? Coca ine and other men is not attractive to me.
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post #63 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:53 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
Well, She already filed in January. We have agreed terms and I will continue to pay half the mortgage as to keep the kids at home and get a good return when I decide to sell. We have 50% joint custody and she doesn't want anything from me except maintenance for the kids. She said in the papers that I was addicted to porn. BS but I accepted as in the uk it would take two years separation before you can even apply for divorce! I thought that if it is over and she doesn't want me, better to be free sooner rather than later. Also, I would see if she is serious about following it through.

She kept saying that I had everything and blew it...She did too but threw it away...or has she?
Are the papers legally signed already? So she gets to stay in the house, you pay for half the house and 100% for another place to live and pay maintenance on the kids? I thought she has a good paying job. If 50% custody you eat pay maintenance on the kids. Is it too late to change the papers?

So what have you agreed to? Legal separation? When does divorce come into play. And don't let her put porn in the papers. I thought you did porn because she would not have sex with you.
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post #64 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 11:02 PM Thread Starter
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Without porn addiction on the petition, there was no case for divorce which would mean a no fault divorce that would require two years separation. She went for the kill and filed within four days of discovering the porn which means she had planned it all months before. She felt un appreciated, taken for granted....but hardly spoke to me of an evening just ranted in text messages about leaving which I hoped would stop. The petition is signed and we are going through the financial arrangements. I have agreed to pay half the mortgage because I can afford it but I can pull out of the deal giving three months notice. If a jackass came on the scene...I could force a sale if he moves in. The divorce could be finalised by September. She isn't interested in saving the marriage ATM as she has this fixed belief that we co parent apart and everything will be happy!?
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post #65 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 11:14 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Without porn addiction on the petition, there was no case for divorce which would mean a no fault divorce that would require two years separation. She went for the kill and filed within four days of discovering the porn which means she had planned it all months before. She felt un appreciated, taken for granted....but hardly spoke to me of an evening just ranted in text messages about leaving which I hoped would stop. The petition is signed and we are going through the financial arrangements. I have agreed to pay half the mortgage because I can afford it but I can pull out of the deal giving three months notice. If a jackass came on the scene...I could force a sale if he moves in. The divorce could be finalised by September. She isn't interested in saving the marriage ATM as she has this fixed belief that we co parent apart and everything will be happy!?
She's banking on controlling your life to suit her needs.

You need to show her she's wrong.

Next time she invites you over tell her you have plans.

Text only. Do not jump and answer her calls and texts. And only those that deal with the children.

You can man up and do this. Take control of your life.
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post #66 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 11:44 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

I find this thread interesting in so much as many of the males on here are telling Andy to get rid of the STBXW, how dare she mess with your mind, your future, string you along, etc.
In addition, Andy you are still very self centered, it is all about you, how you feel, your loneliness, your missing your family, how she strings you along, etc.
I in no way want to minimise your feelings and do not lack empathy for you but tbh, you created this scenario yourself.
Did you stop to think of the damage you caused your marriage relationship with the viewing of porn, did you stop to think of how your STBXW felt when you chose OW (albeit porn) over her, did you stop to think of the loneliness she felt, the hurt, the betrayal? I don't think so and it is evident you are still thinking all about yourself. Even now you still try to shoulder your STBXW with the responsibility for how you feel, it is not her job to give a damn about you as a person, only in so far as you are the father of the kids, and the faster you get that into your head the better for all concerned.

Your STBXW knows you better than anyone else and probably knows that you are still self centered, still the same man who created the mess. She has to cut you out to protect herself, she is being nice to you for the sake of the kids, the family (we women will put our kids and their happiness before even our own), yet all you can think about is how you feel. The selfishness that led you to do what you did to your STBXW is still very much there and until you weed it out, nothing will change.

I would say it is time to face your weaknesses, acknowledge you destroyed your marriage and family life, you cannot now expect anything from your STBXW. Instead of sinking into the pit of self-pity, pull yourself together and become a better man, a man your kids could be proud of. Leave your wife alone to lick her wounds and do what she needs to do to move on.
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post #67 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 11:57 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
Without porn addiction on the petition, there was no case for divorce which would mean a no fault divorce that would require two years separation. She went for the kill and filed within four days of discovering the porn which means she had planned it all months before. She felt un appreciated, taken for granted....but hardly spoke to me of an evening just ranted in text messages about leaving which I hoped would stop. The petition is signed and we are going through the financial arrangements. I have agreed to pay half the mortgage because I can afford it but I can pull out of the deal giving three months notice. If a jackass came on the scene...I could force a sale if he moves in. The divorce could be finalised by September. She isn't interested in saving the marriage ATM as she has this fixed belief that we co parent apart and everything will be happy!?
See, you are still making excuses. I cannot believe that a person can see his STBX wife's faults so clearly but not his own.

Your wife knew long before she discovered the porn that your heart, mind and soul was not with her and you were 'giving' them to someone or something else.
To live in that limbo not knowing is excruciating for your wife, she knew that she had 'lost' your love to something else. Yes, she probably thought long and hard about what was the best thing to do.
You simply dismiss what went before the discovery, for her it probably was a long list of hurt, lonely nights, confusion, distrust, bitterness, resentment, etc. Those you don't even consider.

Please note, very rarely do wives with children dump all (also with no third party involved) until they feel they can take no more, no more pain, no more lies, no more lack of trust. You pushed her to the wall and she filed because she wanted to get away from the very man who promised to love her and cherish her but instead did the opposite.
So can you see now, when a woman threatens to leave over a period of time, they are telling you that something is terribly wrong and if you do not make it right it will come to pass. You didn't make things right, you only cared about how it would affect you. So reaching the point where she thought you would not change, she made the decision to put distance between you and she was right to, because your addiction would have ultimately destroyed her and it was highly unlikely you would have listened to her pleas anyhow. Ask yourself what would it have taken for you to change?

Too many men, do not listen until the house falls down, their wives cry out for understanding, for a change in how they are treated but selfishness ensures they are ensnared until the wife makes a bid for freedom. So stop the rationalizing and minimizing and the blaming of her. Your victim hood does not suit you. You have only yourself to blame for this.

Go to your therapist and look at yourself, what you have done, make a reckoning of the damage you have caused, why you did it, why you now want your family and wife when you were prepared to let it all go belly up.
Your wife will have to deal with her own demons, leave her be to do that. You are far from being the man you could be, go work on yourself and stop trying to place the blame for the demise of the marriage on her, it falls squarely on your shoulders.
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post #68 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 04:16 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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I like the idea of living my life for me and see if she worries about loosing me but I know that it could work against me.

You don't seem to know anything of any actual value to you. There is no possible way starting to live your life for yourself could work against you. None. So do it. What do you think is the worst that could happen?
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post #69 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 05:14 AM Thread Starter
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I hear what aine is saying and it's true. I did mess up. I hurt her over a period of time and now she has pulled away. She wants to be happy and free of the worry about us. She can't concentrate on me ATM and just wants me to be a good dad. I have no problem with that because I know how she feels. I am at least glad she is talking to me and we are on friendly terms. She knows how remorsful I am. I own what I put her through. She is well aware that I know what I did to her. I go to therapy..I stopped the porn..I am a better dad, I improved my career. She is proud of me for what I have done and can see that I am a better person....but it doesn't change how she feels right now so she keeps me at a distance but just enough to leave the door open..I hope.

My selfishness as aine puts it, doesn't help me get through each day. I still have to function and live with my guilt for my actions. I will still rationalise what is happening and still look for a solution. I can't help that...I am human but I still love my wife and am learning from my mistakes.

I hope that everything I am doing will make her see me differently at some point. Maybe she already does but is holding back for her own protection. It just kills me to not know if there is a future for us..but I will have to live with that.

People on here mention other men or her dating...she isn't interested. She just wants to be happy with the kids and doesn't see any other guy as a solution. I was the man she invested in and I let her down. Why would anyone else be different?

I just need to get to a place where I am strong enough and confident enough to woo her back. She would spot BS a mile away. Just struggling to get moving....
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post #70 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 06:55 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

And the only way you will get "strong enough" is to accept she's done with you and move on. You won't accept it, and it's killing you. She isn't helping you accept it.

I believe you should have no contact other than what kids require. No chat, no answering texts about in-kid related stuff.
Just do your thing and forget her.

She has filed for divorce. She has gotten you out of the house.

If you let her keep stringing you along, it will break you. If you leave her alone and let her have time to miss you a little, and see what it's like to have you out of her life, she might change her mind--- but that is so rare it's not worth hoping for.

So your thing. Get a friend like your therapist suggested. Of you keep this up, I can guarantee you will be unhappy and she will be completely done.

You don't want to be friend zoned--- don't let her do that to you.

And, aine is right about a lot. But your wife is no angel. But if a woman has a man that won't have sex with her---- that's a problem she will remedy just like a man would.

Yes, she probably is totally untrusting of your changes. Probably the smart thing.

Show her you've changed by moving on and maybe you'll have a chance, or at the same time, you'll be preparing yourself for a new life without her.
She thinks you can't do it, just like you couldn't break the porn addiction. Show her she's wrong about one, maybe she'll feel she might be wrong about both.
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post #71 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 08:08 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
I find this thread interesting in so much as many of the males on here are telling Andy to get rid of the STBXW, how dare she mess with your mind, your future, string you along, etc.
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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
And the only way you will get "strong enough" is to accept she's done with you and move on. You won't accept it, and it's killing you. She isn't helping you accept it.

If you let her keep stringing you along, it will break you.
You don't want to be friend zoned--- don't let her do that to you.
@aine The males are just calling what they see. As OP described, his wife dated and slept with other men, did cocaine, is very controlling, drinks heavily and smokes weed nearly daily. She is intolerant of any attempts by OP to raise this daughters properly. That said, she is free to end the marriage. Yes, she is manipulating him and knows she is doing it. That is just cruel.

@Evinrude58 post is spot on. Great summary and great advice

Andy, That friendzone spot will kill you. I spent two years there. Don't go there. Please don't go there. I listened to my friend tell me about her dates and the sex she had. It was like a punch in my stomach each time. You cannot be "friends" with your EX. You can be her lover or her EX, not friends.

Please get out of your head that she will not date again. You might start to feel better in a few months, but once you hear from your kids that your wife is dating, you will sink back lower than you are now. You told us your wife already dated MEN when you separated before. Now you will be divorced. Your wife craves attention. She WILL date. I am sorry. That hurts. If she says she has no interest in men, she is either lying or in denial. She will find a new partner. So will you.

We are somewhat alike in our emotions and in our relationships. I wish we could meet at the pub for a few pints and talk. You need friends. Make it a priority to make new friends. You need that.

Are you eating better and working out? We will kept telling you to do that because it is REALLY important.
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post #72 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 08:10 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

If you want her back being at her beck and call isn't going to do it.

Show her you're fine without her. Be your own man.
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post #73 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 10:24 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

@ Andy101, Is there are reason why you won't address whether your wife has been faithful or is/was a cheater?

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post #74 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 02:46 PM Thread Starter
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CynthiaDe....I don't discuss her previous behaviour because I don't feel it is relevant anymore. She has changed since then.

But for the record, we separated because again she felt unappreciated and neglected. Porn was not an issue, she had a kind of mid life crisis where she wondered if the grass was greener. It wasn't. Her personality changed, she would dress provocatively and go looking for attention. She wasn't herself. She had issues wich she attempted to solve and although it was difficult watching other men have her, I stayed strong and she realised that she didn't want to loose me to another woman.

The woman I see now, is not the same as back then. She is older and feels less attractive and doesn't want complications in her life. She works hard and looks after the children. She doesn't dress very well anymore and takes little pride in her appearance. She just wants to be a mom and says that no man is going to be a pot of gold. She needs me but can't be married to me so sees the only solution right now for our family is, in time, to be good friends and look out for each other.

That is why I don't think that she is cheating or intends to see anyone else. It's sad to look at her so heart broken. She is just doing what she can to keep some form of family dynamic.

I may be selfish in wanting more but why wouldn't I? She says that I had everything and I get it. I see what I have lost. I want the years of lost intimacy, I want to be the man she says I could have been. It's so hard.

So me or her dating someone else would only hurt our family more. There is no sparkle in her eyes, just an exhausted woman who has to juggle everything on her own. Yes it is her choice and I try and help where I can with the kids but her wanting to date another man? ....no chance.
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post #75 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 02:56 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

I think you are giving her entirely too much credit in the "emotional stability" department.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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