Without porn addiction on the petition, there was no case for divorce which would mean a no fault divorce that would require two years separation. She went for the kill and filed within four days of discovering the porn which means she had planned it all months before. She felt un appreciated, taken for granted....but hardly spoke to me of an evening just ranted in text messages about leaving which I hoped would stop. The petition is signed and we are going through the financial arrangements. I have agreed to pay half the mortgage because I can afford it but I can pull out of the deal giving three months notice. If a jackass came on the scene...I could force a sale if he moves in. The divorce could be finalised by September. She isn't interested in saving the marriage ATM as she has this fixed belief that we co parent apart and everything will be happy!?
See, you are still making excuses. I cannot believe that a person can see his STBX wife's faults so clearly but not his own.
Your wife knew long before she discovered the porn that your heart, mind and soul was not with her and you were 'giving' them to someone or something else.
To live in that limbo not knowing is excruciating for your wife, she knew that she had 'lost' your love to something else. Yes, she probably thought long and hard about what was the best thing to do.
You simply dismiss what went before the discovery, for her it probably was a long list of hurt, lonely nights, confusion, distrust, bitterness, resentment, etc. Those you don't even consider.
Please note, very rarely do wives with children dump all (also with no third party involved) until they feel they can take no more, no more pain, no more lies, no more lack of trust. You pushed her to the wall and she filed because she wanted to get away from the very man who promised to love her and cherish her but instead did the opposite.
So can you see now, when a woman threatens to leave over a period of time, they are telling you that something is terribly wrong and if you do not make it right it will come to pass. You didn't make things right, you only cared about how it would affect you. So reaching the point where she thought you would not change, she made the decision to put distance between you and she was right to, because your addiction would have ultimately destroyed her and it was highly unlikely you would have listened to her pleas anyhow. Ask yourself what would it have taken for you to change?
Too many men, do not listen until the house falls down, their wives cry out for understanding, for a change in how they are treated but selfishness ensures they are ensnared until the wife makes a bid for freedom. So stop the rationalizing and minimizing and the blaming of her. Your victim hood does not suit you. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Go to your therapist and look at yourself, what you have done, make a reckoning of the damage you have caused, why you did it, why you now want your family and wife when you were prepared to let it all go belly up.
Your wife will have to deal with her own demons, leave her be to do that. You are far from being the man you could be, go work on yourself and stop trying to place the blame for the demise of the marriage on her, it falls squarely on your shoulders.