If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.
Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....
Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?
She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
If she makes no moves to change things then it is still just one big mind f*ck. And you need to protect yourself and ignore it. Continue to work on yourself and get yourself in a good place. Work out, do something new, something fun, change your clothes, change your hair, etc.
Bottom line is to pay attention to what she does, not what she says.
And thus far in the past week she has intentionally locked you out of the house...
Andy, as another poster said, pay attn to her actions, not her words.
You got locked out of your own house, and left behind.
Take a 180. If she wants you back, the 180 will do it. PersonAlly, I think you should just move on. Your marriage is just train wreck after train wreck. Stop the cycle. Divorce.
If you return her texts with kindness or questions, she'll just run further.
The more you pull away, the more she will try to draw you back in just a little further--- only to cast you away again. Very cruel, but it is what it is. Posted via Mobile Device
Andy,
Your wife has continuously expressed to you what she desires in your relationship. She wants you in a Committed Friendly, NONSEXUAL, relationship. You have expressed in words only that that is unacceptable to you. But your actions are proof to her that you are indeed accepting that life.
Andy, The posters on my thread were getting annoyed about me whining about the woman I was seeking. They told me to stop mentioning her in my posts and move it in another direction. Some of the better posters told me that just me typing in my thread I was keeping the woman in my thoughts. That was true.
Same advice applies to you. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to do this, but you need to cut her out as much possible.
Let's hear from you that YOU plan on DOING the next couple of weeks to improve your situation. Can you mention some things?
It's hard for an addict to give up the high. I feel an urge to look about every two months or so, in spite of the fact that I haven't looked even once at a bikini model in over a year.
I'm assuming it's worse with you. I didn't look at porn a lot to begin with. Sometimes I see an ad with a sleek, sexy woman in it and it makes me want to look. I just have to let it go. Concentrate on things I'm doing. I see from this forum how destructive it can get. I've just been lucky that I'm not addicted to much other than a minor one with looking at tam.
I think the porn is something that has been a problem in your life and you need to get that monkey off your back.
I hate for you to, but it would probably be a bandaid for you to date another woman, being sure to tell her the truth about your situation. Get your mind off your wife.
She has told you what she wanted, and you keep letting her keep the leash tight. She doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you. It happens.. Posted via Mobile Device
Well I went round there toniggt as the kids were dying to see me. They were overjoyed...my wife gave me a hug and was glad I turned up. Only thing was...apart from being tired..she seemed tongue tied when we were alone. Didn't know what to say, although she can message me for hours! Just weird....big hug when I left...
I will think of some actions this week as to dealing with her changing behaviour. I will be more withdrawn from her tomorrow as the kids will want my full attention.
As for posters who keep on about the porn....I got it months ago....the porn stopped. I can't change the past. I try and be supportive to my wife and she knows I am remorseful. It's moving forward and trying to keep my family together that matters now, not more finger pointing bulls$$$t....I can go to my mother in law fie that!
Well I went round there toniggt as the kids were dying to see me. They were overjoyed...my wife gave me a hug and was glad I turned up. Only thing was...apart from being tired..she seemed tongue tied when we were alone. Didn't know what to say, although she can message me for hours! Just weird....big hug when I left...
If she is feeding me bread crumbs then so be it. The kids love to see me and that gives me strength.
I know that dating would not be a good idea as I still want my ex and I struggle to talk to women right now.
I am in a town on my own. I moved here with my family as my wife has her job here. All I have is my family..so yeah..it's damn hard to ignore the only adult who communicates with me. I can't move away as the girls want me close by. So I am lonely and isolated. I am trying to figure what I could do with myself. Everyone at the gym has headphones in so no interaction there. I get home late so no joining clubs....and until I get my own joint, I have no TV either! Finding happiness alone is a struggle....
The gym is about working on you. Get into better shape and you will feel good about yourself. We all can do better. The gym is a distraction. Work out hard and try not to think about your ex. When you get into a routine of going to the gym the same time each day, people will recognize you and talk to you. They use headphone while working out but they do talk to the regulars. Become a regular. Ask a guy to spot you or ask a guy for tips on an exercise. It is not just about meeting women. You can make guy friends. Plus the guy might have a cute sister.
We read a lot here about guys saying they will never date again, then a couple months later they post that they went on their second date with a great lady.
Do this one day at a time. Enjoy the time with the kids tomorrow. And get to the gym. Every day. Otherwise you will just be sitting home without TV thinking about the ex and trying to interpret her "changing behavior".
She'll be around the house keeping a low profile. I'll say Hi and then just stay with the kids. She struggles to talk to me anyway which is odd as I've been with her 12 years..
It's easier to blank her and have fun with the girls. If she has something to say she knows where I am. She's hard work and right now..even conversations about the kids is awkward.
I'll save the lock incident for the lawyer..the police logged an incident number, so it's documented.
Well it was all going so well....we were getting on better and she started to feel better around me and invited me for dinner. It was great and finally she thought that I had turned a corner and she could see all the positive work I had done. Then she found out that i had been in the house and I told her that I called the police. She is now furious and doesn't want much to do with me. She made me out to be the one in the wrong and although I have every right to go in the house, she says it's ethically wrong and that no friend would have called the police. Feel like crap and after a 3 hour argument, I tried to make peace but she isn't interested. How can it all go wrong so badly in so little time? Have I been out if order for what I did? She has dragged up the past and made me pay for it. Need sone advice now....
Well it was all going so well....we were getting on better and she started to feel better around me and invited me for dinner. It was great and finally she thought that I had turned a corner and she could see all the positive work I had done. Then she found out that i had been in the house and I told her that I called the police. She is now furious and doesn't want much to do with me. She made me out to be the one in the wrong and although I have every right to go in the house, she says it's ethically wrong and that no friend would have called the police. Feel like crap and after a 3 hour argument, I tried to make peace but she isn't interested. How can it all go wrong so badly in so little time? Have I been out if order for what I did? She has dragged up the past and made me pay for it. Need sone advice now....
No friend would have locked the other owner out of the house.
Hard as it is, as addicted to her as you feel, do NOT abandon your children! They will not understand your need for distance from HER. They will only see that you are distancing yourself from THEM and they will feel abandoned by you. Take them out of the house and do things away from your ex-wife. Just because you need to avoid their mother doesn't mean you have to avoid them.
We already gave you the advice you needed. Listen to @CynthiaDe - " Do not stop to talk to her, except to discuss child related issues."
Pull away emotionally and only talk to her about the kids. She is doing exactly what you/she said. What again is the title of this thread?? Keeping you as a "friend" and nothing more.
The comment about "no friend would have called the police" says it all - you are just a friend.
You should put your foot down on this house/lock business. It is YOUR HOUSE. Why are you feeling like crap?
"finally she thought that I had turned a corner and she could see all the positive work I had done. " - What is that supposed to mean? Stop getting your hopes up. She is still manipulating you. You are prolonging and making your own suffering.
She locked you out of your own home and now she's angry with you for calling the police over it? And you are trying to calm her down? This is backwards. She is the one who should be apologizing up and down over this, not you. If you are trying to defend yourself over her anger, you are doing it wrong.
I'm sorry I don't remember this, but why did you move out? You should still be there until everything is settled. In fact, you could move back in. She is treating you like a second class citizen and she has all the power in the family, not just your relationship, but in the family. That is messed up. Take your power back man!
Honestly I think she was entirely within her right to lock him out. They are separated. At this point he has no more business being in that home without her there than she would be in his. I would be highly pissed if I were her that the cops let him in.
Well yes I did have every right to enter the house. I also understand her being pissed at me calling the cops. I screwed up in keeping a friendship but she is explosive by nature so she may calm down.
My issue though is that I can't do this anymore. Today was too much. The house, seeing the kids in this tense environment, my wife treating me like this. The town and all it represents...
To be honest, I am addicted to her. I think she is quite attached to me too. We argued via messages for 8 hours today. We chatted the other night via messages for 2.
I accept all your advice that this needs to stop. It's unhealthy and the highs and lows have summed up my marriage but it is all I know.
Right guys...I can't communicate with her for a while. I know we have the kids but I'm thinking that for now maybe I should stay away from them too just to cure this addiction and get myself straight. I would continue to struggle with my feelings for her by going to the house and to be honest, I am feeling too down to entertain the kids.
From being happy to see me last night to hating my guts this morning...its messing my head up even more than usual. How can I stop myself from constantly giving in? It's like she has a spell on me. It's killing me. Posted via Mobile Device
That is the first step. It is good that you acknowledge that to yourself. It will not be easy but you can get through this.
You know what you need to do, but you just cannot help yourself. That is understandable and normal. And the next day you feel bad. That is very normal too. Do not berate yourself. You are just a normal guy (great father) going through a very tough situation.
Have you considered an anti-anxiety medication? I believe this was suggested in the past but you have not commented on it. There is no shame or weakness it taking a med such as Zoloft. I am taking it right now. 50 mg daily. It has helped me much.
You should discuss this with your doctor as a short term fix to help you get through this initially bad time. It may help you much. Think about it.
There is also Xanax for panic attacks. Discuss that with your doctor too. Both are very inexpensive.
Blondilicks....I became addicted to her the day I met her. She had me under her spell and she knew it! She has used my weakness for her to control our relationship ever since. I proposed after 6 months...I was smitten. My therapist thinks that in a dysfunctional way, we seem to click. We have grown so used to being in the roles we play that it will continue long after the divorce unless either I meet another narsissist that can control me or she finds a worthy victim. It's a shame that our kids are stuck in the middle, although they seem happier now that mummy and daddy aren't arguing amymore. I always gave my w attention, but she wasn't that interested. Her ipad became her new best friend. She was also very tired from work and dealing with the kids so I don't completely blame her for not engaging with me.
The kids still see us as a family but that I live away because of work. I hate them thinking that, but it's what she has told them. Posted via Mobile Device Posted via Mobile Device Posted via Mobile Device
Don't let her lie to the kids and make you the bad guy. Cmon, Andy these are you kids and they will resent you later. Tell them the true . That mum and dad love them but they are not able to live together . Reassure them that it is not there fault . Read up on what to tell kids.
Do not let her poison uour relationship with the kids.
Something I am noticing is that she is using our D8 as company to replace me in the evenings. She doesn't get sent to bed until 9 or 10pm. When I take the kids out, she experiences the lonliness that I go through every day and really misses them...Doesn't make her care how I feel though. Also, she told her about the locking out incident and she has told her friends at school!! One parent I am friends with asked me if I'd called the Police! So now it's common knowledge. I haven't said anything to her yet because I want calm things down as she could make my seeing the kids very awkward if I piss her off.
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