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Separated wife only wants to be friends

124K views 521 replies 69 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Hi all.

If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.

Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?

She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
 
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#192 ·
Chuck71

You are right in thinking that she just uses me but despises me. It has been more obvious to me in the last few hours.

I made the mistake of trying to kiss her on the cheek as I left to take my D4 to the beach. She then messaged me to tell me to stop trying to woo her as the relationship is over permanently. Got back sun burnt on a very hot day and not even a hello or glass of water. I left...nothing more was said.

Jesus, what an idiot. I must have a hole written on my forehead. I've had it with her but a drug clinic won't cut it. I need saving from myself. My problem is that she controls my access to the kids and I have to act nice to get more time with them.

Her childhood was not good. Parents divorced bitterly when she was ten. Father tried to kill himself during separation. Mother started dating immediately, pushing stbx out of the picture. She was sent to stay with her father whilst mother was fxxking new guy. Father met new woman and lost interest in stbx aa her eldest sister was her favorite.

She has one 3 year relationship with a guy in her home town but she wanted to move to London to be an air hostess so even though she was engaged and had a house with him..she sold up and left him. No other long term relationships until me and that was hard work keeping it all going from the start....

Not a great record. I have only has long term relationships. I left most of them myself because I couldn't stand the women. With my wife though, I really loved her, had a family , house and long term future..never expected all this.
 
#193 ·
My problem is that she controls my access to the kids and I have to act nice to get more time with them.
Andy, my friend, I will be blunt. You have no chance of having a happy life as long as you let her control your access to the kids.

Did you finalize the separation agreement? If not, then get your a$$ back to your lawyer and get a 50/50 custody put into the agreement. If you are short on money or housing now, make the 505/50 start in July or whatever.

She will control the rest of your life AND will poison your kids if let her control this custody thing.

Let me put it another way. Unless you get 50/50 shared custody you WILL lose your kids. Is that clear enough.

No excuses. Your kids NEED a father and you agreeing to this "parties will work out custody later" type agreement you are CONDEMNING your kids to grow up without a father. How dare you allow that to happen.

ANDY, PLEASE FIX THIS FOR YOUR KIDS' SAKE

Blue

PS I think you gave up fighting for 50/50 custody in hopes of getting your wife back. She has told you many times it will not happen. Listen to her. And get access to your kids. You are more bloody worried about the lock on the house than you kids, at least that is how I read your posts.
 
#195 ·
She just messaged me to say that she hopes to reastablish our friendship as long as I respect her bounderies?!

I fear it's just her trying to real me in as I was pretty pissed when I left the house earlier from dropping of D4.

I have been reading some links on here and one thing that caught my attention is that like others...I don't know how to be alone and I also don't have a clue who I am anymore.

I know my job as an engineer and I had to stand in a room and repremand 35 guys on Friday, so I am confident in that respect. It's when I leave the office and go back to my room that I get scared shixless. I fear of being alone. I can't detach from that woman until I can be happy alone. I have relied on other women since I was 17. I am now 43 and thought I would be happily married til the end. Now I have this unplanned issue that I can't date because:

- I am not legally divorced
- I can't let go of my guilt and feelings for my family
- I'm scared I won' t find anyone I like
- I am not happy in myself so I could set myself up for more pain.

Any solutions to the ever increasing web I am weaving?
 
#197 · (Edited)
Andy,

I too am an engineer who does not know who he is. I too am great at my work and suck on the personal relationships.

What does this mean to me? --> "She just messaged me to say that she hopes to reastablish our friendship as long as I respect her bounderies?! " It means do as I say and I will let you be my friend and I will let you see the kids. Step out of line, and you get nothing. That is what it says to me. So what does it mean to you?

Here is the point blank question: Why is this not proceeding towards divorce?

- I am not legally divorced - So when is divorce going to happen?
- I can't let go of my guilt and feelings for my family. You cannot let go because your wife is perpetually using it against you to control you.
- I'm scared I won' t find anyone I like. Jeez. You are at the perfect age, great guy, great job. There are a huge number of woman in UK that will find you attractive and who will not treat you like crap. You need to start looking. That is why you need to get divorced.
- I am not happy in myself so I could set myself up for more pain. More pain than what you have now. Really, Andy, not trying to make you feel worse but it really cannot get much worse for you. That is because much of this pain is YOUR OWN MAKING.

You trust your fellow engineers right? Listen to this one.
 
#198 ·
Yes. I agree, this 'friendship' is on her terms. She is controlling everything and knows that I am weak so either I comply or I won't be seeing the
girls. Her drug dealer/ cleaner at work was round today apparently, to clear some rubbish to take to the tip...my D8 told me as she knows him. I don't think my stbx would lower herself to fxxk him but wouldn't surprise me. I walked out of there after taking the girls to the park, with the door shut in my face by my D8 and her pulling away when I went to kiss her just like her mum had done earlier! Unbelievable!!

My divorce will not be final for a while yet. The finances and child custody are still to be finalised by the court. Then It's a waiting game for the decree nisi and decree absolute. Maybe by Christmas?

I was sitting in my back garden with my D4 earlier...felt surreal that it was my home and now my stbx gwts to enjoy it whilst I am cast out. Surely she can't think she can keep this up for ever? For me now it's about getting my own place and a new life, but I fear that until I find someone else...I won't be free from her games.
 
#203 ·
Yes. I agree, this 'friendship' is on her terms. She is controlling everything and knows that I am weak so either I comply or I won't be seeing the
girls. Her drug dealer/ cleaner at work was round today apparently, to clear some rubbish to take to the tip...my D8 told me as she knows him. I don't think my stbx would lower herself to fxxk him but wouldn't surprise me. I walked out of there after taking the girls to the park, with the door shut in my face by my D8 and her pulling away when I went to kiss her just like her mum had done earlier! Unbelievable!!

My divorce will not be final for a while yet. The finances and child custody are still to be finalised by the court. Then It's a waiting game for the decree nisi and decree absolute. Maybe by Christmas?

I was sitting in my back garden with my D4 earlier...felt surreal that it was my home and now my stbx gwts to enjoy it whilst I am cast out. Surely she can't think she can keep this up for ever? For me now it's about getting my own place and a new life, but I fear that until I find someone else...I won't be free from her games.
Once again..... putting your happiness in the hands of others.....STOP IT

Damn.... WTF is it these days with guys? Or maybe it's just me?

News flash.... when you do find someone else.... and you will, your STBXW / XW WILL ramp up her game.

She will do her damndest to make sure your life is as miserable as humanly possible.

Another news flash.... if you keep this Co-D tendency with your LTRs.... you will attract an exact copy

of your STBXW / XW. Don't think so.... look around these boards.... see it all the time
 
#199 ·
Can nuke the separation agreement if you do not agree on finances and custody? I wish you can get rid of the porn reference as cause for separation. Go the full two year separation route rather than this short cut.

Tell your wife that you will go to war and spend whatever it takes and get into any debt needed to make sure that she does not EVER threaten to limit your time with the children.
 
#200 ·
You know what, I thought about contesting all her lies that are on the petition....but then I thought, at least it will be all over much sooner! I obviously would have hoped to save our marriage but I don't want to be hanging around for two more years whilst she tortures me. If she really wants out let it be done. All she wants from me is maintenance for the kids..nothing more. 60/40 split of the house which is good going for a man. More than anything, she just wants the marriage to end so she can be free and happy...and wants me to be involved with the kids.I want it to end sooner so I can find someone new! I have kept all her messages from day one so a solicitor would have some good evidence if she tried to restrict custody of the girls.

She was texting me again tonight to make small talk..she pushes me away but then can't leave me alone for long...
 
#205 ·
The worst thing in life is living with regret. Don't take that road. If you don't want those lies

in the petition... fight it. Get custody agreement locked down first.

60 / 40 huh... and that's lucky for a guy in the UK? I guess in my next life I want to come back

as a Brit female. Marry a few guys.... pop out a kid with each, take 'em all to the cleaners.

By then... I'll be around 40.... screwed my three XHs out of enough money to buy my own loft

and live off of the child support payments. No wonder MGTOW has gained popularity.
 
#201 ·
Your decision man. She certainly is not expected a fight from you. If you push back you might get what you want. My concern is the custody arrangement and what you will end up with because of all the lies in the petition.

Many spouses get what they want because the other spouse wants out as fast as possible. Then, afterwards, there are the regrets.

Analyze and execute this like an engineering problem. That is what you are damn good at.
 
#202 ·
Andy.......... have you noticed yet your STBXW is following her mother's actions? If she can play you....

bet the farm she will. She will use the children to her advantage. You should have to her 50 / 50

custody or you will haul her arse to court. But see... she doesn't believe a damn thing you say.

When you were M to her... and she crossed boundaries.... what happened? Let her off with a

warning? Maybe if it was bad, she'd sling that vagina in your face?

She will never respect you until you stand up to her. Regaining your self-respect just may get you a

better standing with the kids.

STBXW thinks the world revolves around her.... we are here to help you quell that thought.

We're same age.... I promise you if you let her dictate your life....it will be a miserable existence.....

until she's through with you and sticks her fangs into another guy. AND repeats what her mom did.
 
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#204 ·
You say you have been dependent on a woman since you were 17 years old. You've never grown up. Not many women want a man who is just another child to her. You need to learn to live on your own and find happiness on your own. No one else can make you happy. What you have to offer to a woman is a plea to be taken care of.
 
#210 ·
Thanks guys. I appreciate your support. I wish I could buy you all a beer!

I know she is playing games but what's scary is that I don't think she realises it half the time. She is very matter of fact and precise in everything she does. She shows me tenderness but then goes cold. The lock incident has put everything on ice and she says that she is not easy to get around and that she will 'forgive' me in her own time.

I know that pulling away from her will get to her but I need to get along so I can see my girls more. I saw a lawyer at work today, I showed him the financial papers and he said it was a good deal and to sign immediately before she gets greedy. I have signed them now so that should get things moving with the court.

I think she would need a shock to change her mind about our marriage. The best way would be someone else as she would loose control. The thing is, if and when I look at dating, I'll do it for me and my happiness and not to get her back.

She has this idea that we are just going to continue to co-parent in this torturous relationship. She can call on me when it suits. The kids though, get to see me alot and love daddy coming over but that would be restricted if a third party was involved It's a hard call at the moment.

I also feel terribly lonely. Seeing the kids and my stbx fills that void. I feel that even though she treats me like dirt, it's better than no company at all...sad but true...
 
#214 ·
Andy.... keep in mind, this chaos is all she took from her childhood. She never dealt with it when she became

an adult so.... reason it is still encompassing her.

Doing the 180 is for you... not her. Improving yourself is for you.... not her.

Only her can fix her.... to deal with her past.

As Blue mentioned..... get a phone and practice using it when they are with you.

Try sending one with the oldest in near future.... see how it goes.

From your view.... you can either be alone and miserable or interact with STBXW and still be miserable.

But she is the one..... making you miserable.
 
#215 ·
I'm sorry, Andy. I think it was a bit harsh to say "man up." What I mean is that you are already a man. Stop letting your stbx walk all over you. Be the man that you are. You are setting an example for your children. Show them what they should expect of a man.
 
#216 ·
No problem cynthiaDe. I know what you mean.

Today I started to feel a kind of resentment towards my stbx. She messaged me to tell me that her closest friend is expecting another child. Both our kids are the same age and the family continue to live a normal life and were jealous of us at times as we were so close as a family. Guess I'm pissed at what once was.

I am also quite angry that she has now restricted my access to the children to one hour twice a week and a few hours over the weekend. There us nothing I can do as it is still deemed 'adequate' and regular contact. She is trying to punish me for calling the police, which should not involve the children but she just says she just doesn't want to be around me too much! But what had that got to do with my girls??

I am starting to get sick of her. I'm finding that her behaviour is souring my feelings for her. I am in disbelief that someone who was supposed to stick by me could be so cruel. We were best friends yet now I am treated like dirt. I really want to drop the rope. I want to move on, especially after seeing my D4 asking me to stay with her tonight...it was heart breaking. Please help me get her out of my head....
 
#218 ·
Yes, this is pretty much it.

Andy, You are letting this happen. We cannot help you here.

Not fighting this is the choice you made.

In a few weeks she will give you a few more hours added to what you have now until she does not like something you do, then she will punish you again.

This is the wonderful, addicting person you married? :confused:

Maybe the UK does not do 50/50 joint custody. IDK.
 
#219 ·
No blue..she is not the addicive person I married. Today a colleague of mine told me to get a grip or I'll go mad. Simple words but true. I sent the financial papers today so now I have to wait for the court. I feel I have given it my all. I have to detach now as I have no choice. I can't be held to ransome by her or anyone. I'll back off now and concentrate on me. I'll leave seeing the kids for a bit. I can't do one hour here and there. I'd rather not see them at all until I am free from her control. Once I am stronger, and have some money...I'll take her to court and apply for joint custody. The problem in the UK is that the mother usually wins and fathers don't have many rights. I would still have to negotiate with her to have access. I'm better off just getting her out of my life and go NC for a period of time and once I am free, her games won't work. I still need ideas on how to get her out of my head though.
 
#220 ·
No .she is not the addicive person I married.
That is a good sign you are finally feeling that. You already know this but you are now feeling this is true.

You know UK laws on custody better than us. I know you are doing the best you can. You are right not to accept the one hour limits. Just say no. Your greatest power right now is to tell her no. She probably never heard that and will try to reel you in.

Your colleague must be an engineer.
 
#221 ·
Who exactly sets up temp custody there when a couple separates?

Try every angle to get the kids more.... when you do, you pizz her off and she lashes out at you....

Using the kids to get to you.... this is only if you can look beyond her "anger dumps"

Why.... if you distance yourself from the kids, you distance yourself from her. She does not want that.

She too much enjoys trying to control you.

"Wiggle easy until your head is out of the lion's mouth"
 
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#228 ·
Again...... who set up the temp child visitation / living arrangements?
 
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#235 ·
I asked twice how it was set up. My guess is she set it up, Andy agreed in hopes of winning her back.

Hey Andy.... how's that working out for you?
 
#237 ·
This is what I am getting from this thread also.

Andy you are going to have to find your NUTS.

She tries to hold you hostage start missing support payments.

You aren't court ordered to pay anything yet anyway.

Tell her the deal where she keeps the house is off. Hell move back in for that matter. Then you see the kids on your terms.

You my friend are getting worked over like pizza dough.
 
#238 ·
And the CS payments you withhold.... set that up in an account just in case the courts ask you to

back pay. ReGroup was advised of this and it worked.

I do hope you have separated the accounts by now......

Who came up with the CS $ agreement? Lemme guess....

If the home is in your / both names... move BACK in TONIGHT!

Lemme guess.... you're paying the mortgage while she's there and you're not......

If you move back in you are no longer obligated to pay any CS and if I'm paying a mortgage,

by schit I better be living there.
 
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#239 ·
If you stop seeing the kids, that will be considered abandonment. How do you think your children would feel to be abandoned by you? Who is important here? It seems like you put yourself above your kids and cannot handle your own emotions. Frankly, that is being a terrible father. Pick the kids up and take them to a park. Or move back into the house. I do not understand how you can just act like a puppet on a string. Use your backbone. You don't have to get angry with her to have a backbone. You just stand up and do what's right.

Your kids are going to end up with emotional problems is you don't resolve this properly. These children are your responsibility.
 
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