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post #76 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
CynthiaDe....I don't discuss her previous behaviour because I don't feel it is relevant anymore. She has changed since then.

But for the record, we separated because again she felt unappreciated and neglected. Porn was not an issue, she had a kind of mid life crisis where she wondered if the grass was greener. It wasn't. Her personality changed, she would dress provocatively and go looking for attention. She wasn't herself. She had issues wich she attempted to solve and although it was difficult watching other men have her, I stayed strong and she realised that she didn't want to loose me to another woman.

The woman I see now, is not the same as back then. She is older and feels less attractive and doesn't want complications in her life. She works hard and looks after the children. She doesn't dress very well anymore and takes little pride in her appearance. She just wants to be a mom and says that no man is going to be a pot of gold. She needs me but can't be married to me so sees the only solution right now for our family is, in time, to be good friends and look out for each other.

That is why I don't think that she is cheating or intends to see anyone else. It's sad to look at her so heart broken. She is just doing what she can to keep some form of family dynamic.

I may be selfish in wanting more but why wouldn't I? She says that I had everything and I get it. I see what I have lost. I want the years of lost intimacy, I want to be the man she says I could have been. It's so hard.

So me or her dating someone else would only hurt our family more. There is no sparkle in her eyes, just an exhausted woman who has to juggle everything on her own. Yes it is her choice and I try and help where I can with the kids but her wanting to date another man? ....no chance.
Sorry Andy but I have to say this. I know you still love your wife and I do not want to disrespect you. But......Your wife was a whoring **** and you took her back. And she has the nerve to say that YOU had it all and You caused you to lose it all? That is a load of crap.

She is going to date other guys. You better learn to accept that.

You are quite a catch yourself. Emotionally you are not ready but there will be many quality woman who will be interested in you if you shed the porn habit.

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post #77 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 05:54 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Your W is a fruitcake.

And you are making excuses for her.

Why don't you talk to us about her Family of Origin (FOO). I think that will be eye opening and will explain a lot.

How about yours?
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post #78 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 11:07 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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She needs attention, she recently asked me if I was still attracted to her.
She said in the heat of the moment when I was still looking to move that we will never get back together now...because I am a ditherer! She wants an assertive and confident man.
When my counselor suggested I date other women, and I told her...she turned pale and looked uncomfortable.
The porn was a big threat as she felt I was cheating on her hundreds of times and that she couldn't compete.
When I turned up to see the kids this week looking smart from work, I could see her checking me out...

Is she testing me? Has she got a game plan to see if I man up? She doesn't mention our marriage anymore or the porn. She knows I quit looking at that but she also knows that I love her and finds comfort in that. But....she gives me nothing back emotionally...does she really believe in her twisted fantasy that I would worship her for eternity?
She no longer wants a sexual/romantic relationship with you. But she'll be damned if anyone else can take over that role! She's allowed to move on, but you are supposed to pine after her forever.

It's a power trip. Plus, it's also useful to her to have you keep doing all those 'honey-do' type chores.

She's not testing you. She's using you.

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I just need to get to a place where I am strong enough and confident enough to woo her back. She would spot BS a mile away. Just struggling to get moving....
No, you need to get to a place where you are strong enough and confident enough to not want her back.

You have to do it for you, not for her. That's the only way it won't be BS.

Last edited by Hopeful Cynic; 04-11-2016 at 11:14 PM.
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post #79 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 06:34 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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I hear what aine is saying and it's true. I did mess up. I hurt her over a period of time and now she has pulled away. She wants to be happy and free of the worry about us. She can't concentrate on me ATM and just wants me to be a good dad. I have no problem with that because I know how she feels. I am at least glad she is talking to me and we are on friendly terms. She knows how remorsful I am. I own what I put her through. She is well aware that I know what I did to her. I go to therapy..I stopped the porn..I am a better dad, I improved my career. She is proud of me for what I have done and can see that I am a better person....but it doesn't change how she feels right now so she keeps me at a distance but just enough to leave the door open..I hope.

My selfishness as aine puts it, doesn't help me get through each day. I still have to function and live with my guilt for my actions. I will still rationalise what is happening and still look for a solution. I can't help that...I am human but I still love my wife and am learning from my mistakes.

I hope that everything I am doing will make her see me differently at some point. Maybe she already does but is holding back for her own protection. It just kills me to not know if there is a future for us..but I will have to live with that.

People on here mention other men or her dating...she isn't interested. She just wants to be happy with the kids and doesn't see any other guy as a solution. I was the man she invested in and I let her down. Why would anyone else be different?

I just need to get to a place where I am strong enough and confident enough to woo her back. She would spot BS a mile away. Just struggling to get moving....
Andy, now you see that, just focus on you, work on yourself, you cannot change her. Be the best man, Dad, friend, employee, etc you can be. No-one knows what the future will hold and what is in store for you. Let her go, in letting her go, you might well one day win her back but for now, she needs to heal as do you. Stop thinking about 'winning her back.' Let it be.
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post #80 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 06:39 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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@aine The males are just calling what they see. As OP described, his wife dated and slept with other men, did cocaine, is very controlling, drinks heavily and smokes weed nearly daily. She is intolerant of any attempts by OP to raise this daughters properly. That said, she is free to end the marriage. Yes, she is manipulating him and knows she is doing it. That is just cruel.

@Evinrude58 post is spot on. Great summary and great advice

Andy, That friendzone spot will kill you. I spent two years there. Don't go there. Please don't go there. I listened to my friend tell me about her dates and the sex she had. It was like a punch in my stomach each time. You cannot be "friends" with your EX. You can be her lover or her EX, not friends.

Please get out of your head that she will not date again. You might start to feel better in a few months, but once you hear from your kids that your wife is dating, you will sink back lower than you are now. You told us your wife already dated MEN when you separated before. Now you will be divorced. Your wife craves attention. She WILL date. I am sorry. That hurts. If she says she has no interest in men, she is either lying or in denial. She will find a new partner. So will you.

We are somewhat alike in our emotions and in our relationships. I wish we could meet at the pub for a few pints and talk. You need friends. Make it a priority to make new friends. You need that.

Are you eating better and working out? We will kept telling you to do that because it is REALLY important.
If she is the manipulator you say she is and has done all that, advice still stands, let her deal with her own s*** and take care of yourself Andy, focus on you. maybe when you focus on being a better man, you will realise you do not need the drama in your life and are fine being alone. You sound a bit co-dependent? Maybe you should check out Co-dependent no more by M Beattie. It is not healthy to want someone so badly when they don't want you.
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post #81 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 02:55 PM Thread Starter
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Today my stbx told me that perhaps I need to go and meet someone else. She has not said this before. I was shocked. She says that she only wants to be friends for the sake if the kids and needs space from me as its all too much for her. She again said that she does not want anyone else but that we were not truly happy together. She says that it crushes her for us to all live apart but she couldn't live being unhappy for the rest of her life.

Does she really mean it? Find someone else? She doesn't want me to rely on her for my happiness and wants me to move on.

Am I so wrong to want us all to be a family again? If both if us are not interested in other people what then? Just live alone?

I fixed the garden fence today and took the children out for a few hours. I then asked if I could go back to read my youngest her bedtime story...it was too much for and she refused. That hurt. She now wants to reduce me seeing the kids to 2 evenings in the week as she needs space from me.

I have read co dependant no more and can see I have to detach but god knows how. I wish I could erase her from my brain but I have to see her when I visit the kids. How can I detach without replacing her?
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post #82 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 03:00 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy, what will it take for you to listen to her when she says she is done?

Denial is killing you.

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post #83 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 03:10 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

She is so done with you. Even encouraging you to find someone else?

Might also very well be her trying to alleviate her own guilt for cheating on you.

Protect yourself. Detach.

Protect your relationship with your kids and get a lawyer.
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post #84 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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I am very much in denial. I always hope that one day we can work things out. I find comfort in the thought....
When we separated before, she was crushed at the thought of me meeting someone else..now she is encouraging it..does she really mean it? She knows that I am lonely. I don't really know anyone in this place except her and my kids. She says that I wasn't that interested in spending time with her before..which is crap. She tells me to move on......this is such a nightmare for me.
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post #85 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy, what is the agreement on custody of the kids?

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post #86 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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The agreememt is between us to decide. I see them 3 evenings a week where I help with bedtime, every saturday unless they see her family and every other sunday when she has to work. She wants to reduce the mid week visits to 2 nights as it's too much for her. She doesn't really speak to me whilst I am there and I just get on with things with the girls.
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post #87 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 05:04 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

So there is no legal agreement. You haven't filed, have you?

I know how this feels. I am sorry.

You have GOT to accept she is gone, Andy. You have for to start detaching for your own good, and get right in the head before you see her with another man. That will happen very soon.

I'm 100% convinced she is done with you. No matter what happens, the person you once knew is gone.
Face it. It isbt as bad as it seems.
You WILL find someone else and it would be hard not to find one better than this one.

You need some Zoloft and some no contact months, and a freaking lawyer, like now. You won't listen and are rapidly self destructing not getting this taken care of legally.
Please listen to men who have been through this.
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post #88 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 05:09 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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The agreememt is between us to decide. I see them 3 evenings a week where I help with bedtime, every saturday unless they see her family and every other sunday when she has to work. She wants to reduce the mid week visits to 2 nights as it's too much for her. She doesn't really speak to me whilst I am there and I just get on with things with the girls.
They are you children too. It is time for a legal agreement. She does not get to decide everything according to what she wants, unless you let her. That is not healthy for the family. There should be a mutually agreed upon arrangement that works for the family.

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post #89 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 05:30 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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So there is no legal agreement.

You have GOT to accept she is gone, Andy. You have for to start detaching for your own good, and get right in the head before you see her with another man. That will happen very soon.

You need some Zoloft and some no contact months,
Andy, listen to @Evinrude58 I am taking zoloft for my anxiety due to separation from a woman. It helps. I have some xanax too.

Everyone is right about no contact. Limit yourself to see her ONLY when you have to for the kids.

What I found is that the more I distanced myself from this woman of mine, the more she initiated contact with me. The more I worked to be with her the LESS she wanted to be around me. This is exactly what your wife is doing. They all do this. You NEED to understand the more your push to be with your wife the less she wants you around and the MORE she will grow to resent and hate you.

No Contact is freaking hard. There is no easy getting over it. I am going on two weeks of NC. I have held steady; she contacted me three times and each time she does it restarts my longing for this woman.

I actually want the NC because right now I cannot and do not want to see her or hear about her with another man.

Never ever give up anything without getting something else in return. If she tries to limit you see the kids during the week, trade it for something else of equal importance to you and them. If you just concede she will she you as weak and take more. Hold firm.

So besides work and seeing the kids , what are you doing for yourself?
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post #90 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 05:32 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy...at some point the good people here on TAM are going to get fed up with trying to give you advice and stop posting.

You need to listen and absorb what we are telling you.
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