The males are just calling what they see. As OP described, his wife dated and slept with other men, did cocaine, is very controlling, drinks heavily and smokes weed nearly daily. She is intolerant of any attempts by OP to raise this daughters properly. That said, she is free to end the marriage. Yes, she is manipulating him and knows she is doing it. That is just cruel.
post is spot on. Great summary and great advice
Andy, That friendzone spot will kill you. I spent two years there. Don't go there. Please don't go there. I listened to my friend tell me about her dates and the sex she had. It was like a punch in my stomach each time. You cannot be "friends" with your EX. You can be her lover or her EX, not friends.
Please get out of your head that she will not date again. You might start to feel better in a few months, but once you hear from your kids that your wife is dating, you will sink back lower than you are now. You told us your wife already dated MEN when you separated before. Now you will be divorced. Your wife craves attention. She WILL date. I am sorry. That hurts. If she says she has no interest in men, she is either lying or in denial. She will find a new partner. So will you.
We are somewhat alike in our emotions and in our relationships. I wish we could meet at the pub for a few pints and talk. You need friends. Make it a priority to make new friends. You need that.
Are you eating better and working out? We will kept telling you to do that because it is REALLY important.