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post #91 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 04:46 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

225985, your post would have been more honest if you had stated that you have a wife at home - it is your EA you're grieving. Your situation is nothing like Andy's.

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post #92 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 04:52 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
225985, your post would have been more honest if you had stated that you have a wife at home - it is your EA you're grieving. Your situation is nothing like Andy's.
I never claimed my situation was similar. Nor can I really understand what Andy is going though.

I was only trying to tell him that the advice offered by the other posts is the right path. I only wanted to help OP and did not want to threadjack with too much of my story.

I will now keep quiet on this thread. Good Luck Andy

Last edited by 225985; 04-16-2016 at 04:57 PM.
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post #93 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 04:56 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

blue, no need to keep quiet. I was not trying to shush you, please forgive me. It helps the OP if they know where the responder is coming from - that's all.
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post #94 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
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It's hard for anyone to know exactly what I am going through..I thought my marriage would last forever. I met the dream girl and believed that a family should stick it out. I don't doubt my wife has feelings for me but she says she has to stay strong and stick to the separation as it would be easier to let me back in. So why tell me to move on? This is why I am in this limbo. I still believe in us so cannot detach. I wish there was a way to switch off and live alone happily. I know what the poster said about going no contact. I will try it. She contacts me every day to tell me about the kids, but never anything personal about me or her. I miss her company but right now, nothing I have done is working. Can anyone actually tell me the best way to detach when I have to see her every week to see the kids?
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post #95 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 05:23 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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It's hard for anyone to know exactly what I am going through..I thought my marriage would last forever. I met the dream girl and believed that a family should stick it out. I don't doubt my wife has feelings for me but she says she has to stay strong and stick to the separation as it would be easier to let me back in. So why tell me to move on? This is why I am in this limbo. I still believe in us so cannot detach. I wish there was a way to switch off and live alone happily. I know what the poster said about going no contact. I will try it. She contacts me every day to tell me about the kids, but never anything personal about me or her. I miss her company but right now, nothing I have done is working. Can anyone actually tell me the best way to detach when I have to see her every week to see the kids?
There is no "us"; there is you and there is her, and she is using you.

As to how to detach when you have to share custody, that is something that others will have to address as I have no experience in that area.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #96 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 05:31 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy, I STILL have to see my ex daily and deal w her about kids. Mine did to me what yours is doing to you. She even came over and used me for sex a time or two. She was cheating online, etc.

Acceptance is the key. Mine said the same bs as yours. She feels guilty and that's why she's talking to you.
You are mistaking it for feelings. She has none.
Mine uploaded my pics and wrote me a dating profile online out of guilt WHILE we were married. They do this crazy s*#%.
aCCEPTANCE. Can't tell you how important that is.
Feeling for you.
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post #97 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 06:10 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Can anyone actually tell me the best way to detach when I have to see her every week to see the kids?
You have to turn seeing the kids into a separate thing from having to see her. Don't go see them at her house. Bring them to yours.

Get your own place with enough bedrooms for the kids. Pick them up from school when your parenting time starts, parent them for a week, then drop them off at school again for the start of your ex-wife's parenting time.

You get to be Dad half the time, and see your ex-wife a grand total of NEVER.

She can take herself out of your life. She's a grown adult who makes her own decisions and all you can do is react like a grown adult. But she can't take your children with her unless you allow it, through apathy, or her manipulations.

This bull**** about you having to visit her home to see the children is for a hired babysitter, not a parent. She's controlling you this way, and it gives her a huge edge in getting custody when the legal stuff turns into a fight.

She's trying to minimize the time you spend with the children. "Oh, you have to come here to see them, it's less disruptive for their little lives." then comes "Oh, but you can't come here too often, I can't stand seeing you!" which is followed by "Your Honour, he hardly sees the children, so I should have majority custody."
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post #98 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 06:18 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Absolutely right
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post #99 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 07:08 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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You have to turn seeing the kids into a separate thing from having to see her. Don't go see them at her house. Bring them to yours.

Get your own place with enough bedrooms for the kids. Pick them up from school when your parenting time starts, parent them for a week, then drop them off at school again for the start of your ex-wife's parenting time.

You get to be Dad half the time, and see your ex-wife a grand total of NEVER.

She can take herself out of your life. She's a grown adult who makes her own decisions and all you can do is react like a grown adult. But she can't take your children with her unless you allow it, through apathy, or her manipulations.

This bull**** about you having to visit her home to see the children is for a hired babysitter, not a parent. She's controlling you this way, and it gives her a huge edge in getting custody when the legal stuff turns into a fight.

She's trying to minimize the time you spend with the children. "Oh, you have to come here to see them, it's less disruptive for their little lives." then comes "Oh, but you can't come here too often, I can't stand seeing you!" which is followed by "Your Honour, he hardly sees the children, so I should have majority custody."
1,000 Times yes to the above.

She is manipulating the situation and you are letting her. If you don't start standing up and making sure you have a legal plan in place asap, you are going to not only lose your wife, but your children as well. Wake up!

You do not go to her. You take the kids to school on Monday and she picks them up Monday afternoon. You switch this out weekly. You make a plan for holidays, because if she gets Christmas this year and then sticks to every other week, you will never get them for Christmas again, because there are an even number of weeks in the year. You have to specifically outline which years you get the kids for each holiday, in the parenting plan.

Buy a book for divorce and custody in your state and start reading up on it immediately. Know your rights. Having an attorney is great, but you need to know your rights from another source, not one who is relying on your ignorance for billing purposes.

Enough is enough. You are being expertly manipulated.

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #100 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 07:34 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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I am very much in denial. I always hope that one day we can work things out. I find comfort in the thought....
When we separated before, she was crushed at the thought of me meeting someone else..now she is encouraging it..does she really mean it? She knows that I am lonely. I don't really know anyone in this place except her and my kids. She says that I wasn't that interested in spending time with her before..which is crap. She tells me to move on......this is such a nightmare for me.
--you are not going to work things out

--does she mean this? does she mean that? What difference does it make?

--She does not want you. She has told you this. Believe it.

I know it's hard, I have been in a similar place, but Andy you are looking pathetic....and you dont HAVE to. It's a CHOICE.


The world says 'no' in ten thousand ways, and 'yes' in only a few
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post #101 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 07:25 AM Thread Starter
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The problem I have at the moment is that I am lodging and only have a room in a house. I cannot take the kids there. I also work long hours so cannot drop the kids off at school so no mid week sleep overs. Until I have some capitol I cannot afford to rent a property and that will not be until June. I therefore have no option but to visit the kids in the evenings and take them out for a few hours at weekends. So, my evening visits are important for me but it isn't easy on her seeing me. She says that I get to see the kids more than some fathers do but they need to see me too. It's always her way or not at all. A custody application would be pointless at this stage. We have 50/50 responsibility as stated in the divorce papers. She could play hard ball and stop access if she really wanted to but that would back fire as she would never get a break from them and struggle to get a baby sitter for when she works. I am happy to see them but don't like the rules changing because of her feelings towards me.
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post #102 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 07:39 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy, has a divorce been filed, and is there a signed custody agreement in place?
Until you can answer yes, your time with your kids is in great jeopardy.
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post #103 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 10:06 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Please explain a few things that might help us.
Did you have any input in the divorce agreement? Or did you just go along with what she wanted?
When is the divorce final?
Is she living in the family home with the children?
What does the family home consist of: a rental house or apartment, a home you own?
What does the custody agreement say regarding when you each have the children? You said it gives you 50/50, but she seems to be calling all the shots.

If you are working long hours and cannot take the children to school in the morning, you will have to figure something else out. You are not going to be able to go to her house indefinitely to visit the kids. And you shouldn't be visiting them. You are their father. You aren't a babysitter or a friend who comes to visit. To keep the kids healthy and in good spirits, some kind of proper arrangement needs to be worked out between the two of you.

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #104 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 11:21 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

What a trainwreck.

Andy accepts all the blame for this situation.....his looking at porn and how it made her feel is the SOLE cause of the M breakdown.

Her going out sleeping around with other men, partying, and even doing drugs is not 'relevant'.

What a crock of sh*t.

Andy....I saw that yesterday, Bandit posted that eventually people would stop posting advice if you continue to not follow ANY of the awesome advice many posters have been trying to extend to you.

He's is probably right.....all the great advice in the world does not a single bit of good if you don't finally detach and stand up and start fighting for yourself.

What you are putting up with is RIDICULOUS.
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post #105 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 11:46 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy, you need to get it together man, seriously. You are participating in screwing yourself. Stop it. Just stop, and actually think for a bit. Stop worrying about your wife, and think about you, your kids, and your life without your ex. You need to face up to it, because this is what is happening, and nothing will stop it. Nothing, so just forget it for now, before you screw up the next phase of your life. You need money. Save money while living in your own house. If it bugs her that much, let her move out and visit the kids. Prepare to sell the house, if you cannot afford to keep it. Look for a place very close to the school, so the kids can walk. Set your life up in order to afford having your kids half the time, let her worry about her half. And for crying out loud, answer us, do you have your own lawyer, and have you asked him for input, or just gone along with her demands? Because that's what it sounds like.
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