If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.
Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....
Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?
She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
Well there has not been any visitation rights set up except what she has "agreed" with me.
She changes the rules to suit her mood and my next one hour is next monday!! It was originally 3 times then two and now one. She playing games. One minute messaging a spiteful message then trying to joke with me. My responses are now all the same...formal and polite. No joking or arguing. I have obviously kept all the messages since 2015 and will let her hang her self. I am tempted to go along with her plan. I would rather not see the kids for a while if it means getting her out of my head. She is being very cruel but if she keeps it up, I will be seeing my lawyer. I can see what she is doing and as my best friend said...she has done this the whole marriage but now I can finally see it from a safe distance. I am now being aloof and only answering with one or very brief replies. She messages me every day with either a jab or something relating to the kids so that I am forced to answer. She is wondering why I have gone quiet and it must be killing her that I am not being my usual friendly self. Her spell is slowly breaking but I am worried what she will try next if she isn't getting to me.
Well there has not been any visitation rights set up except what she has "agreed" with me.
She changes the rules to suit her mood and my next one hour is next monday!! It was originally 3 times then two and now one. She playing games. One minute messaging a spiteful message then trying to joke with me.
She has lost her moral compass, so stop following in her path. If she is not keeping her end of the deal, then the deal is off. It is your house, so move back in even if you have to sleep on a blow up bed on the floor. Ignore her when she complains and lawyer up. You will pay dearly both financially and in rights to your children if you continue with the path that you are taking.
If you want as much custody as you can get, you better see those kids every chance you can get. She can keep records, too. How's it going to look when she says 'well, I offered visitation on this day and that day and these other days and he refused. he didn't want to see them'. Don't make your kids suffer and spoil your chances just because she's a loon.
Chuck71, Moving back home would be a living hell. She would go crazy and it would affect the children badly. I'm not going back in there. Period.
I can apply for mediation if we cannot agree amicably. What I am concerned about is how changeable she is so having something drawn up maybe the best solution.
I'll see today if she had just overlooked my Friday visit by accident....then I'll want to hear some good excuses. ..
Chuck71, Moving back home would be a living hell. She would go crazy and it would affect the children badly. I'm not going back in there. Period.
I can apply for mediation if we cannot agree amicably. What I am concerned about is how changeable she is so having something drawn up maybe the best solution.
I'll see today if she had just overlooked my Friday visit by accident....then I'll want to hear some good excuses. ..
God you guys are militant!
Today I tried a different approach. I first demanded to see the kids after she told me that her mother was staying for the weekend. I am a much higher priority than that old witch! I told her that one hour in the week was not acceptable. She then said you can come over for one hour tonight then. So I collected my D8 from her club, and returned to the house. I decided to speak to my stbx a little and she responded. We conversed a bit more as I asked her questions about her day etc and ended up spending three hours with the girls and leaving on good terms.
So it seems that if I butter her up..not with compliments but general chit chat, she is more amenable.
Lets face it, she changes like the weather and I am going to get good days and bad, but if I can navigate her moods better, I will get results. We'll see what she pulls out of the bag next!
Lets face it, she changes like the weather and I am going to get good days and bad, but if I can navigate her moods better, I will get results. We'll see what she pulls out of the bag next!
Oh. Sorry guys...news flash....she had started messaging me asking how I got into the house the other day. I told her I picked the lock but should not have had to.
She has now sent me a string of abusive messages calling me names and that she is changing the locks???!
I left the house earlier and everything was fine. WTF??
I've stopped posting on your thread, but follow it.
Geez, how can you even act surprised at her behavior at this point?????
You are one of the worst I've seen at taking advice. I think you even beat me, when I was going through the worst of mine. I know it's hard, but when are you going to stop letting this person emotionally destroy you?
You're addicted to her? O.k., well you're addicted to a lot of things. You stopped one addiction easily, according to you. Stop this one.
Go by and get your kids when you feel like it. How can she POSSIBLY stop you? Does she have a court order, a divorce decree, or a custody agreement ON PAPER?
NO? Well you can get YOUR kids whenever the hell you feel like it, then. Right?
And, you've been told to move back into your house and save money for a lawyer. Have you done it? Why not? You're afraid of your wife? Well you shouldn't be.
Andy, As a woman, I would find your behavior to be off putting to say the least. Women want men not boys. You are not acting like a mature man. She changed the locks on your house and she is angry that you got in? She is angry that you called the police? And you are paying her bills? Who gave her this power? You. Only you.
And you're afraid to move back into your own house because you are afraid of her. To a woman, that is death to a relationship. It's kind of gross.
Moving back in is no longer an option anyway. The locks have been changed and a security system installed. I told her she has to give me a key but she has refused. She says that I have no business going there whilst she is out. She is prepared to sell the house rather than have me having access to it. Apparently her lawyer said that I cannot go back as it would be harrassment. I don't believe that. She continues to state that I broke in and had no right to do so. She has since thrown crap from the past at me constantly for hours. I only answered politely denying any wrong doing as these messages are my evidence.
I told her that I am paying the mortgage to keep the children in their home as they have had enough changes in their lives and that she doesn't even appreciate it. She said she doesn't care and would rather be in a small appartment than have me have power over her with the house. I am now contemplating selling up. She said that if I break in again, she will force a sale. Looks like the house has become the leverage between us.
She also can't understand why my D4 idolises me. She thinks that if she was older she wouldn't want to be near me!! Just really cruel hurtful stuff.
I need to think weather I'll even stay in the area now. I can collect the kids every other weekend when I get a place but no need to live so close anymore.
She has a job but relies on commission as she works in sales. She could never have a mortgage on her own. She works part time but earns a full time salary in effect. If she looses the house, she would be renting unless she meets someone else to live with.
My salary is higher than an average engineer as I am an independant contractor and have my own company. I can afford to pay the mortgage and cs but I don't know if I want to for much longer as her attitude is disgusting and if I now can't even have a key, I'm seriously considering selling up. I did it for the kids but she is making it as difficult as possible for me as she actually believes that I have no rights. She does have a lawyer for sure as we are mid way in a divorce. I have all the letters and court papers. I'm not about to get arrested or get the police involved as I'm not putting my job at risk. Just want to get the hell out of dodge to be honest.
Andy.....Do you have a Lawyer? Get one immediately. A bulldog.
The kids will be fine wherever they live. They love apartments because other kids are around and pools and playgrounds. Don't think they got some huge emotional connection to the house.
Ask your attorney how much money you should be giving her and do not give her a penny more. Sell the house. Make her feel the consequences of divorce.
Do you have an attorney?
Are you paying for her attorney?
Do you know if someone wants to hurt you and you do nothing to stop them, they will continue to do as they please?
@Andy101 , Brit to Brit, pull your **** together. We have American posters here would would struggle to walk up a few flights of stairs thinking we are soft.
Put the kids first. Your ex is not being a suitable Mother. Normally, there will be a big overlap in the interests of the Mothers and children, but not in this case. That means you have to go hard core. You have money, use it wisely. You can give it to your ex to use wisely, how will that work out? Get a bull-busting solicitor and know where you stand.
Think of it this way. As your kids get older and have to witness your wife treating you like this which you allow. What do you think they're thoughts will be?
Kids should be able look up to their parents. Will they look up to you?
Indeed. @Chuck71 mentions humility. But making yourself humble focuses on you. The point here is to forget about yourself and be a good example to the kids, which involves standing up to their Mother and taking control of the situation.
I struggled in these types of situation. It is not about being tough in the conventional sense (I played rugby league for twenty years, that was easier), but on moving your focus.
When I first became a writer... my first boss was a Brit.... grew up during WW2. My undergrad was to teach history
in high school. I always preferred US history, island history (any island any where... never knew why, I
blame it on my ADHD / autism LOL), and anything pre-2000BC. I had took a Sub-Saharan history
class a few years before just because it was a good time fit (class I wanted would have made me drive to
school -100 mile round trip- for just that class on Fridays. The professor captivated me with
the class.... lectured three hours, no notes. He also looked like a Grateful Dead hippie.
Around five years passed... I'm writing for a paper owned by the Brit. We spoke in great detail about
the UK, during the Wars. How Europe was before and after the Two. He compared / contrasted
Chamberlain and Churchill... which embarked me on an extensive research of the British Empire.
My boss stated -Germany could have crossed the channel eventually.... but he would never have
captured England. We're nice, polite, well spoken but will fight to the death for our country. The Nazi Party
didn't have that fight we had. Notice where the Romans stopped....-
Somewhere along the lines... UK and.... US men have lost that "fire" where you treat others with respect
AND you demand it from others. My pop died 20 years ago... so yes... in some ways that 'ol Brit boss
was a father figure to me. You stand up for what you believe is right, you refuse to be walked on,
you refuse to lose time with your girls just because some drama queen entitled princess said so.
Win or lose.... you stand tall and you stand firm. Get your balls back.... why?
Your two girls are CLOSELY observing what will go on. If their daddy folds like a deck of cards,
they will seek out weak men as Hs and do to them what you are let happen to you.
Now if you stand tall... they will respect you and.... seek a strong man for a H. Much better chance for
a happy M. What your W thinks of you..... dude when you stand tall above your enemies.... you will not
give a damn what she thinks.
So here ya go Andy...... your choice here will shape the lives of your girls, their future mates, their kids....
I've said it before.... how one handles these situations will go a long way in determining three generations.
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