Can anyone actually tell me the best way to detach when I have to see her every week to see the kids?
You have to turn seeing the kids into a separate thing from having to see her. Don't go see them at her house. Bring them to yours.
Get your own place with enough bedrooms for the kids. Pick them up from school when your parenting time starts, parent them for a week, then drop them off at school again for the start of your ex-wife's parenting time.
You get to be Dad half the time, and see your ex-wife a grand total of NEVER.
She can take herself out of your life. She's a grown adult who makes her own decisions and all you can do is react like a grown adult. But she can't take your children with her unless you allow it, through apathy, or her manipulations.
This bull**** about you having to visit her home to see the children is for a hired babysitter, not a parent. She's controlling you this way, and it gives her a huge edge in getting custody when the legal stuff turns into a fight.
She's trying to minimize the time you spend with the children. "Oh, you have to come here to see them, it's less disruptive for their little lives." then comes "Oh, but you can't come here too often, I can't stand seeing you!" which is followed by "Your Honour, he hardly sees the children, so I should have majority custody."