Separated wife only wants to be friends - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-19-2016, 12:01 AM Thread Starter
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I'll try and make myself clear because posters are not reading my thread properly.

My wife filed for divorce in January.

We are at the financial stage where we have agreed out of court. My w only wants child maintenance but I OFFERED to pay my share of the mortgage. Child custody is split equally in the uk unless other issues are raised by the court.

I can afford the house as I earn a high salary. I moved out of my house to stop the extreme tension and give my w space and will not have the money for my own place for two more months then I will be ok.

My wife slept with other guys when we separated 5 years ago and hasn't since we got back together...just flirting...which is still bad.

I have a lawyer and she says the papers look ok snd my w is being very reasonable.

I'm not on this forum for legal advice with all due respect. I came on here for emotional support. To try and reconcile with her. For advice on how to actually let go and hear practical ideas.

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post #107 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-19-2016, 03:12 AM
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Letting go is the hardest part. I have no advice for you. I am struggling myself.

Hopefully others will respond.
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post #108 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-19-2016, 02:56 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I'll try and make myself clear because posters are not reading my thread properly.

My wife filed for divorce in January.

We are at the financial stage where we have agreed out of court. My w only wants child maintenance but I OFFERED to pay my share of the mortgage. Child custody is split equally in the uk unless other issues are raised by the court.

I can afford the house as I earn a high salary. I moved out of my house to stop the extreme tension and give my w space and will not have the money for my own place for two more months then I will be ok.

My wife slept with other guys when we separated 5 years ago and hasn't since we got back together...just flirting...which is still bad.

I have a lawyer and she says the papers look ok snd my w is being very reasonable.

I'm not on this forum for legal advice with all due respect. I came on here for emotional support. To try and reconcile with her. For advice on how to actually let go and hear practical ideas.
The letting go gets a LOT easier once you no longer have to see her. Focus on gritting your teeth to get through the next few months till you get your own place. Don't talk to her about ANYTHING except for the children. Don't expect ANYTHING from her unless it's about the children. Don't offer her ANYTHING unless it's about the children. Don't talk to her about how her day was, don't mow her lawn, don't bring her a coffee. Pretend she's a hired housekeeper/nanny you have no connection to. Avoid her as much as possible by bringing the children somewhere else for your time. Take them househunting with you. Even if you can't afford anything right now, practice looking around with them anyway. Focus on the future, down to the minutia. When you feel emotional, take deep breaths, remind yourself this is temporary and refocus yourself on the future.
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post #109 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-19-2016, 07:13 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I'll try and make myself clear because posters are not reading my thread properly.

My wife filed for divorce in January.

We are at the financial stage where we have agreed out of court. My w only wants child maintenance but I OFFERED to pay my share of the mortgage. Child custody is split equally in the uk unless other issues are raised by the court.

I can afford the house as I earn a high salary. I moved out of my house to stop the extreme tension and give my w space and will not have the money for my own place for two more months then I will be ok.

My wife slept with other guys when we separated 5 years ago and hasn't since we got back together...just flirting...which is still bad.

I have a lawyer and she says the papers look ok snd my w is being very reasonable.

I'm not on this forum for legal advice with all due respect. I came on here for emotional support. To try and reconcile with her. For advice on how to actually let go and hear practical ideas.
It helps to understand your situation in order to give you emotional support. If we don't know what you are facing or what your circumstances are, it is hard for us to know what might help you.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #110 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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My situation is that I am struggling day to day with the reality that my marriage is over. My wife contacts me alot, messaging me about the kids and when I see her, to see the kids, she looks great and I that fills me with regret that I cannot be intimate with her anymore. I can't just not see her so I have to try and look at her differently but that would only happen if I had someone else in my life which is not going to happen for a while.

I think about how I just wanted to have a normal family and can't believe how matter of fact she is and content with this new arrangement. For her, divorce is a fact of life as she already lived it as a child. She says that it is hard for her too but couldn't be unhappy for the rest of her life. I now feel that I don't have a normal life...everyone at work is married and I feel alone. I miss the company...

She told me to join a gym or something....and to stop using her and the kids for my company! She said that I should try and meet someone else and start over! It's a nightmare for me. Who else should I turn to if not my family?
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post #111 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

I understand the surreal world that you live in after a separation or divorce. It's about healing during this time. There is no one formula and if there were..... I would be drinking the coolaid! LOL

Your family cannot meet all of your needs emotionally. It is important to make friends or turning to your friends; to look at perhaps finding a counselor; or connecting spiritually (church, prayer, etc). There are divorce support groups in which I have just finished attending. Basically, reaching out to others is beneficial but really family is somewhat limited and skewed....they sometimes want to fix; don't know how to help; or are so emotionally involved themselves can make things worse for us.

It's difficult to let go when you have children and are contact. However, it can be done in due time.
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post #112 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 12:22 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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She told me to join a gym or something....and to stop using her and the kids for my company! She said that I should try and meet someone else and start over! It's a nightmare for me. Who else should I turn to if not my family?
This is 100% true. You have to make your own life. You will never have a successful relationship in the future if you dont learn to be on your own. You really need to work on your codependence, you cannot rely on other people to complete your life. Make sure you dont date for quite some time, you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #113 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 03:23 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

In a couple of months you will have a place of your own and be able to take the kids to your home. That will help a lot.
In the meantime, I think joining a gym would be a great idea for you. Exercise helps tremendously with stress and makes you feel better about yourself. It also makes for a great physique.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #114 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 03:21 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Your wife (for all technical purposes) is no longer your wife. It's strange that you want to hang around her when you couldn't even stay off the porn sites to sexually satisfy her. She's hot but apparently you're not interested in her sexually. She's screamed and raged at you for your entire marriage about the porn but you didn't do anything different. Now, it's too little too late.

Accept your actions towards your marriage's demise and try to take your next partner's complaints seriously.

You will feel better when you get your own place and establish your own routines.
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post #115 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 06:17 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

she cant have you as a friend and reject you as a husband. My husbands ex wife met another man and divorced him but still expected him to go and help her out with her paper work and jobs round the house. BY then we had met and after talking about it he told her that he wasnt going to come any more except to collect the sons when he saw them. They had no more contact after that as the boys were old enough to make make their own arrangements with their dad.

if she has ended the marriage, then she has to accept that she cant have you any more. You need to be polite and civil but apart from when you collect your children, you have no need to see her. It maybe that when you cut those ties she will realise what she may loose, but right now she doesnt want you as a husband but wants to hang onto you for her own needs.

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post #116 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-24-2016, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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I know that I can't hang around her, and her coldness towards me keeps me at a distance. We had an argument about how she doesn't want me taking the kids to my brothers house because she doesn't get on with his wife. It became heated because they are my closest family. She just snapped that I shouldn't have done what I did! She is still very angry about the break up and rarely speaks to me so keeping a diatance from her isn't too difficult....it's the kids who are confused although they know the situation. My W tells my eldest daughter stuff that shouldn't be hearing so when she is distant, I know something has been said. I just don't know the woman anymore. She is so resentful I'm not sure how we could ever be normal in a marriage again...I know I have to live my own life but the way things are for me right now...it's very hard. Would time calm things down?
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post #117 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-24-2016, 10:02 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

SMH.

Stop asking questions.

Stop playing "what if".

Find legal advice before you miss out on time with your kids due to a misaligned custody agreement.

Just let her go.

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post #118 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-24-2016, 10:27 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy,
Time, in my experience, will surely help. But until I accepted my marriage was over and had zero hope, the pain really didn't lessen over time all that much.
Once I realized my life with her was over, and that there was nothing I could do to stop my family being broken apart, I started slowly improving. I forced myself to date. In truth, I dated just to spite her for a while. It was helpful because what she had done destroyed my self image and I didn't think there was a decent woman that would have me. I didn't think there were any women my age out there that weren't low class divorcees that nobody wanted. Honestly, I always thought divorced people were people that just couldn't keep a promise. Of course I realized it's not always their fault.
There is life after divorce. Yes, this will always bother you. Yes, it's going to take a long time to get over. Yes, you are going to be in pain for a while.

But, you WILL find happiness again IF you do your part and force yourself to think about a different future little by little, and then do things to make it happen. I took Zoloft for about 2 months and it helped. I never knew what a panic attack was until this divorce started. It's a terrible, helpless feeling to know there's not a damn thing you can do to change your wife's mind. It's hard to get your head around the fact that YOUR OWN WIFE doesn't love you anymore. I constantly racked my brain trying to figure out how to get my family back, how to be a man my ex would want again, how I could say I'm sorry for whatever I had done so she'd understand I meant it. Trying to understand the WHY of it all. That was a waste of time, and brought me nothing but pain.
You've got to get to the point that you realize WHY is not important. What is important is that you know it was not all your fault, and that who IS at fault makes no difference whatsoever since the problem can't be fixed. All you can do is start building a new life without her. Grieve the loss of your marriage, but at the same time, spend as much energy as you can working toward goals of making your own life better.
Do not try to make her happy. This is a time that you have to change your mindset to helping yourself.
I hope you are working with your lawyer on child custody. As it appears, your ex wife is not going to let you have any time alone with them. That's not fair. She won't be fair about it, either, unless the court forces her to.
Doing nothing won't make things better. Move forward.
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post #119 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-24-2016, 10:37 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I know that I can't hang around her, and her coldness towards me keeps me at a distance. We had an argument about how she doesn't want me taking the kids to my brothers house because she doesn't get on with his wife. It became heated because they are my closest family. She just snapped that I shouldn't have done what I did! She is still very angry about the break up and rarely speaks to me so keeping a diatance from her isn't too difficult....it's the kids who are confused although they know the situation. My W tells my eldest daughter stuff that shouldn't be hearing so when she is distant, I know something has been said. I just don't know the woman anymore. She is so resentful I'm not sure how we could ever be normal in a marriage again...I know I have to live my own life but the way things are for me right now...it's very hard. Would time calm things down?
Andy, Your ex wife is trying to manipulate you. She does not want you talking the kids because she does not get along with your brother's wife? Who the heck cares!! Your ex is not going to be there so what is it to her? It is very important that you visit your family and take your kids. They are your kids family too.

Your ex wife is, every effectively, going to guilt and shame you into doing things she wants. It is all about power and control and she is controlling you for her own benefit.

She did not say your brother's wife would be bad influence on your kids. It is all about your ex wife. It is ALWAYS about her. You must know that by now.

We are looking forward to your next post about how you and YOUR kids (not HER kids) went to see your brother...

Last edited by blueinbr; 05-02-2016 at 04:33 PM.
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post #120 of 480 (permalink) Old 04-24-2016, 03:02 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

It is damaging and unhealthy for your children if your stbx is alienating them from you. Do not let this continue. She also wants to alienate them from your family. She cannot do that. You are their parent too. I recommend that you start working on dealing with these issues. Perhaps speak to a therapist for advice and do some reading on how to counter these tactics. Letting it go without saying anything is unhealthy and not protecting your children. Speak to your daughter and ask her what is being said, then talk it through with her, always reassuring her that you love her and always will and that you will always be there for her. Your kids needs to hear this from you often. They are likely afraid.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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