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Separated wife only wants to be friends

124K views 521 replies 69 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Hi all.

If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.

Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?

She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
 
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#291 ·
I hear what you guys are saying. My blood is starting to boil..which is a good thing.

My stbx didn't answer any of the messages I sent her over the weekend, enquiring how the kids were. I knew she read them as whatsapp notifies you. On sunday evening, she finally replied and apologised for not contacting me sooner as she had no reception because her family went to the coast for two nights! She didn't even inform me...because I'm guessing, she didn't want me thinking the house was empty and I might 'break in'!

I saw the kids tonight, I left work early so I could spend some time with them. I went back to the house and my stbx was visibly angry. She just stomps around with an angry look on her face, no interaction with me at all. No good bye nothing. My girls were hanging off me not wanting me to go..which felt great.

The locks haven't been changed..as yet..she really thinks she's the master of the house.

Problem now is, as I go into the house, I am confronted by this childish stroppy attitude. I need her to at least reason a little as we have to discuss the kids schooling etc but cannot talk to her. How can I get her to stop being so stubborn and be civil in front of the girls?

I know about the lawyer stuff but I still need some normality as I'm stuck with her for years to come.
 
#294 ·
It's not that simple. I am dealing with a narcissist who could make things difficult regarding my access to the kids. I can't move back in as she will move closer to her mother who lives 50 miles away. She cannot afford the rent in our area. The kids would then have to change schools and I wouldn't be able to see the girls very often as I do now. Yes I would have my house back but at what cost? I have to be cleverer, she is dangerous ans doesn't give a shoot as long as she is winning. I need some alternative advice here. It could turn very ugly and the kids would suffer.
 
#296 ·
In the UK, the law is still not in favor of fathers. Our rights to access are primitive. I am getting more than the minimum so she could withdraw my mid week visits and nothing can be done. I work long hours so I cannot even apply to have them stay with me in the week as I leave at 5am so that wouldn't be fair on the girls. I will be applying for mediation through a lawyer but she diesn't have to agree with the suggestions.
 
#299 ·
IF the divorce laws and child custody laws are as "primitive" as you say... WITF would ANY guy want to

get M and start a family? I have never heard of UK laws being this inept.

Someone's nose might be growing....
 
#297 ·
According to whom? The attorney you haven't consulted yet? Or the pseudo wannabe's who claim to know all about UK family law but wouldn't know actual litigation if it was at the dinner table with them?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
 
#298 ·
Andy.... you keep trying to get a happy reaction from an angry person.

How's that working out for you?

How long will you continue to try?

When I was 8, I thought I could jump a creek as a shortcut to the golf course.

Tried twice.... unsuccessful. I stopped after two attempts.

How many attempts will it take you to stop trying?
 
#300 ·
As I said, I am already getting good amounts of access. Chuck...you should inform yourself before calling me a liar.custody is rarely given to fathers here. We have campaigns and organisations trying to change that. My problem is that the way she manipulates my visitation and alienates me from day to day stuff...demanding appologies and gaslighting me. What can the law do about that? Write a letter?
 
#301 ·
Tell ya what.... best of luck. You have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning.

A pre-defeated person has never won a battle, nor war.
 
#305 ·
Ok. I have made an appointment with a lawyer for next week. It's gone far enough. I may as well not own a property. The locks have been changed today and she is suggesting that I will not be welcome to visit the girls in the house after I find a place to live. She restricts times and isn't being exactly 'friendly' as my thread title suggested. If we had been friends, then would have there been any compromise? Don't think so. She has asked me for an apology for breaking into my house and says I have no integrity. It's ok for her, she has the children all the time and I get a few hours here and there? Not exactly 50/50. I hope the lawyer can help me. Something needs to change.
 
#308 ·
The lawyer basically asked me what I wantes to achieve as the petition and finances have already been signed and agreed. He said that in all fairness, I could get access to the house but a judge would only grant me entry to collect personal belongings as my stbx has a right to live without the threat of me turning up in the middle of the night. He said that if I can keep a civil relationship, it will save me $$$ and he recomended mediation to agree on visitation so that I can see the kids as nobody knows how a future partner could influence her. Anyhow, he recorded all the bs that she has done and will hold it on file if the situation becomes ugly. For now it's in our best interest to put the kids first and possibly consider selling the house.

She has been more civil lately. It was our wedding anniversary this week and she started saying that if she could turn back the clock, she would have enrolled us in marriage therapy and that our future is in the hands of a higher being...what is meant to be will be...what does that mean? She also said that she knows I never meant to hurt her. It drives me crazy because she is the one who could turn all this around instead f making statements like that...any ideas what she meant or where she is going with all this?
 
#309 ·
If you sell the house can she legally move the kids far away? You said she cannot afford to live in the same area at her pay.

Sell the house before she has another guy sleeping in the house you paid for.

Just more standard crap from her. Does she want you to feel sorry for her? :wtf:
 
#310 ·
So you did the divorce and asset separation already? Did she get the house? Do you have a custody agreement?

None of this makes a lot of sense.

The comments she makes to you are to keep you hopeful and under her spell, so she can poop on you constantly and get you to lap it up.
As you said, it means nothing or she'd work on the marriage instead of divorcing.

She LIKES f'ing with your head. She is not alone. Lots of these type of women do.
She'd be totally disappointed if you went dark on her. She's lose her entertainment.

If you had a hot gf, it would drive her crazy. I'd get one and flaunt her. It might help you be a little more confident, too.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#311 ·
Seriously? How can you NOT see what she is doing? It's called bait and switch a game both genders like to play. You pay the mortgage, you take care of the bills for the kids and she treats you nice enough to live free. You sit there and have no access to your kids, but claim it is getting better. It's sad because all of this catering has got you less access to the kids, no access to YOUR HOUSE and more emotional turmoil than when you were living together.
 
#314 ·
I agree with the recent posts.
My stbx knows how I feel about her so she has control over me. She is however trying to build a strong relationship with my mom and is being pleasant to me and confides in me now with her work issues as she hasn't really got anyone else to talk to. She messages me throughout the day and is happy for me to see the kids often....

But..she still likes her space and control over the house and when I should leave and say good bye. It may be that she has plans for us or that she is just keeping her options open..

I on the other hand, have my own agenda now. I am planning on renting a small house as soon as one comes available. Buying a nice car, hitting the gym and buying a new wardrobe. I will then wait to see her next move. If she fails to make a positive move for our marriage, I will see out the divorce and then try and find someone else. The kids will have somewhere to stay, I will continue to improve my career and carry on the best I can.

Does that sound like a good plan if action?

I know that along the way I will continue to feel the loneliness and frustration that my dream has died but it's out of my hands. I would love to save my marriage but am powerless.

I try and look at her in a negative way and tell myself that she is not so attractive and look at all her flaws hoping to manage to detach somehow. That is my main objective...to get her out of my head...just need some good ways to do that.
 
#316 · (Edited)
I on the other hand, have my own agenda now. I am planning on renting a small house as soon as one comes available. Buying a nice car, hitting the gym and buying a new wardrobe. I will then wait to see her next move. If she fails to make a positive move for our marriage, I will see out the divorce and then try and find someone else. The kids will have somewhere to stay, I will continue to improve my career and carry on the best I can.

Does that sound like a good plan if action?
No. As long as you "wait to see her next move" then the plan svcks. @Blondilocks is right. You need a good plan listing the DOs and the Don't DOs. You have some great posters here to help with that. Let's put together that list and show it here. Do you want to start or do want us? A great poster did the same for me @marduk.

As for the her building a relationship with your mom, what the heck is all that about? TO CONTROL YOU. So she can bad-mouth you to your mom. You need to get custody of the kids whatever it takes and your mom can see the kids when you have them.

Lately male engineers have been showing a weak performance on TAM. We give our profession a bad name. We are better than that. Much better. If anyone can plan and execute on a plan, it is us.

Get planning. No more waiting. And date. I hear UK has awesome women. I've even seen them first hand (from a distance of course). Just make sure you disclose your status. Separated on way to divorce, not separated and hoping EX takes you back.
 
#317 ·
Well the latest outburst came today when I was going to take the kids out for dinner and asked if she wanted to come along. She said "I know what you are doing..you are trying to get me back..." she continued that I am so much more improved as a person and a father, better than I ever was before. She said she loves me..but had fallen out of love but feels our friendship is stronger now...just gets to me. It doesn't change my situation. I am still living in a room and driving a borrowed car with the evenings after I drop the kids off being the lonliest I have ever felt. I cannot date when I cannot even live and my stbx feeling sorry for me and wanting chats to talk about our feelings makes me want to puke.

I need some help in direction. She will always affect me as the kids are young but I need to somehow build a shield that will deflect her bs...
 
#318 ·
Well the latest outburst came today when I was going to take the kids out for dinner and asked if she wanted to come along..
Why did you do that? Well, we all know why. Ok, you messed up this time. Only thing to do is try again.

Next time you have the kids out for dinner, what are you going to do differently?

My Friend, I know it hurts, it hurts bad, but the THINKING Andy knows that you are doing the exact OPPOSITE of what you need. Either to move on or win her back, inviting her to dinner is NOT the way to do it. Plus you don't have the money to pay for her dinner. You drive a borrowed car....

You said that you and ex took the accelerated path to separation to avoid the two year process. Remind us again what needs to happen for the divorce to finalize and when is that going to happen? Because you won't date until after you are divorce and you cannot move on until you date (IMO) and find someone else. And you wife is doing EVERYTHING possible to prevent that from happening. She knows you as well as you know yourself and is purposely pushing your buttons to control you.

Next time you think about inviting her for dinner, think of the ***** that changed the door locks in YOUR house that YOU pay for. That is your shield.
 
#319 ·
#321 ·
There is nothing anybody can post that has not already been said in this thread, likely many times. You are where you are because you want to be. I hope one day you wake up.
Andy KNOWS what to do. He is just having much difficulty doing it. I can relate to that.
@Andy101 I am addicted to a person I put on a pedestal. She is not a good person on paper, but to me she is awesome and I could not stay away. It is destructive to me and my marriage. TAMers have been helping me. I am doing fairly well at No Contact, but had some reality BAD relapses. You had one with that dinner event.
@marduk put together the below plan for me to follow. I made some minor changes to fit your situation with the kids. I am doing pretty good on this, not yet 100% on all items but getting better each day. Give it a try

*******From Marduk

It's hard because you lack discipline and brutal self honesty.

Do this for one week. Don't post, don't whine, don't do anything but the following.

Do:
1. Work out every day. High intensity, heavy weights. Try strong lifts.
2. Eat only quality food high in protein and good fats. Avoid carbs.
3. Sleep 7-8 hours per night.
4. Tell your kids that you love them every day or as often as you can contact them. Do this without any unnecessary conversation with ex-wife.
5. Meditate 15-30 minutes per day. Focus: strength of resolve.
6. Distract yourself with reading books (sci-fi, fantasy, other) or some other activity that you enjoy. BBC has awesome sci-fi series.

Do not:
1. Drink any alcohol if that will make you depressed and think about your ex-wife.
2. Talk to your ex-wife unless specially and only related to the kids. Think about your ex-wif. Daydream about your ex-wife.
3. Do porn
4. Feed any self-negative talk. Zero. Just catch yourself and think about something else. Something positive.
5. Read any relationship self-help books. You need a break from that. You need to focus on YOU.

I'm recommending this because you need discipline. The exercise stuff is to clear your mind and discipline the body. A disciplined body can help lead to a disciplined mind.

Anybody can do this for one week.

Can you? Do you actually want to become stronger or do you just want someone to magically give you an easy button to make it all go away?

**********

BTW, the titles to our threads will never work. You can never be "friends" with your ex-wife. I can never be "friends" with the object of my affection. Not going to happen.
 
#326 ·
Hi all. Been a while...

I have been very busy lately furnishing my rented house and working long hours. I am ok here. I feel safe and I am no longer desperately longing for my stbx to come back. I see the kids when I can and go out with my friends although I am lonely at times.

I do not speak to my ex about our marriage at all now. We occasionally go out as a family but its just for the kids. We don't argue and mainly communicate via messages..and only about the girls.
I actually don't know what to do about the marriage anymore. She looks at me fondly but life is what it is and we have this routine where I collect the kids or stay briefly for a coffee and a chat. I sometimes give her a hug or caress her arm, she doesn't mind but that's where it ends. It seems like this is it now...a stalemate where nothing is progressing nor getting worse. She has got me as a support if she needs to talk to me and I can ask her to collect parcels for me or small chores while I am at work.
I don't know how long the divorce will take. We seem to be on a waiting list for the courts to issue a decree nisi..this could still take some time. I am therefore in limbo as far as the marriage goes. Wish yhere was something I could actively do to shake things up......
 
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