If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.
Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....
Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?
She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
I really don't want her included the way she is. But we have young children and I have to see her and talk to her about them. What with her sister and mom being on their own now, I feel thay have become a tight unit where I am this token male that occasionally turns up to pick up the kids. They go on holiday together and spend alot of time with each other, which is great..but I am not a monster like their ex's are. They know I am good natured but have pushed me to the fringes of their lives when I should have been the rock of the family.
I feel irrelevant and pushed out. Can't believe people can be so selfish. I just live my life, work like crazy and sit and wait for the divorce to finalize. Would my stbx even care?
Thought I'd update my sitch..
Stbx told me that her lawyer is going to contact me as the decree nisi is coming up. Basically my stbx has to wait 6 weeks before a decree absolute can be declared which officially ends the marriage.
She has been saying that she feels sad about it all but that it is necessary as our vows didn't seem relevant anymore. She says we need a clean slate and that 'we' wouldn't have grown as better people without this process. She says that she knows I am trying really hard and we will have to see where our relationship goes in the future....
She asks me if I'm ok about things and I always say I'm ok. I just live my life and take care if myself and my business..and business is good. I have improved my career, I'm more independant than I have ever been and am content day to day but do miss female company.
Is she just feeding me breadcrumbs or has she got some kind of plan here? Her life has not grown. Nothing has changed for her and everything has changed for me. Just not sure where she is going with all this...
She threw away her marriage and wants to justify it in her mind. If she can convince you that you are okay with what she did, then she can feel vindicated.
Every time she asks that question ignore it and change the subject or hang up on her.
So what will be the custody and visitation arrangements? Anything enforced by the court or does she get to decide on a whim if and when you see the girls?
There is no custody arrangement. I see the girls often but I don't have a day to day say in what is going on in their lives although my stbx keeps me updated on their schooling etc.
I don't know about dating. I feel nervous about the dating scene...it's been a while..
I concentrate on my job and my home and see my friends. The girls take up alot of my free time too so dating is not a big deal right now although I know that I this can't go on forever. I am also worried that I'll anger my stbx and upset the children if they think I don't love their mother. It's a big step that would change my way of life.
Your thoughts please...I don't contact my stbx for 2 days and she thinks something is wrong and seems upset...she started acting suspicious when I went to pick up the girls...why would she care?
I 'care' because it gets on my nerves. She wonders why I don't get in touch..but she doesn't either if that is bothering her. I see this behavior as a sign of things to come. I think she thought I may have been on a date. I wasn't. Just out with friends. If I really was seeing someone, I think she could step up her tantrum and it could become either difficult for my access to the kids or she could use the kids to make me feel guilty. I have money, nice car, nice place and a good job. Just no family or what used to be a wife. I have moved on in many ways, just can't break her spell...
She is no longer your friend, buddy or pal, she is the mother of your children and needs to be treated with a certain amount of respect for their sake, not hers. If she does not ask you a question, there is no need to answer. She doesn't want you in her life, but she wants to control yours, don't let her. The biggest issue I see is you don't have a visitation agreement. See if you can get her to agree to a regular schedule and stick to it for now. This will also help the children as they will know when to expect you. You have been shaken to the core, you need to reestablish your life and be too busy with your life that she is only a minor distraction.
Man, you need to get your custody arrangement included in the divorce agreement, now. Not later, but right now. 50/50. Get that locked in, then go NC with her, except for absolutely necessary communication about the kids, but nothing else. This is for your sanity, you need to stop connecting, or trying to connect with her. You need to move on, grieve the loss, sure, but do it, get through it, and you can continue to develop yourself into a happier, better person.
Hi. I wanted to update my situation as it's been a while now...I am finally divorced. The decree absolute was posted to me last week...my ex didn't even know and was shocked by the news. She now speaks of a fresh start as she feels that the marriage was doomed from the start as she felt that getting hitched in Vegas was a joke and felt we should have gone to a church instead. She feels we are kinder to each other now than we ever have been and feels that we have achieved so much this year being apart and as we are friends..who knows what the future holds for us.....
We have spent Christmas apart..she has bearely contacted me to let me speak to the kids but has arranged for us to be together for new year...I am ok on my own but am becoming sick of the bread crumbs and feel that I deserve to be happy again. I'm nit sure what she wants anymore and feel that the situation could just go on for eternity as she is content with how things are. I am seriously considering moving on soon but still feel I should give her the benefit of the doubt. She did let loose on some issues that we had...my brother and he's wife excluded her after she cheated on me and she just wants forgiveness. She feels that it was a major factor for the divorce. My brother just wants me to be free and happy and start again at some point. The kids are ok. I see them alot and they love spending time with me which is great but I don't just want to be a dad...surely I should be able to let go of my guilt and try and meet someone new? Should I wait fir my ex now that we have a clean sheet?
Hi. I wanted to update my situation as it's been a while now...I am finally divorced. The decree absolute was posted to me last week...my ex didn't even know and was shocked by the news. She now speaks of a fresh start as she feels that the marriage was doomed from the start as she felt that getting hitched in Vegas was a joke and felt we should have gone to a church instead. She feels we are kinder to each other now than we ever have been and feels that we have achieved so much this year being apart and as we are friends..who knows what the future holds for us.....
We have spent Christmas apart..she has bearely contacted me to let me speak to the kids but has arranged for us to be together for new year...I am ok on my own but am becoming sick of the bread crumbs and feel that I deserve to be happy again. I'm nit sure what she wants anymore and feel that the situation could just go on for eternity as she is content with how things are. I am seriously considering moving on soon but still feel I should give her the benefit of the doubt. She did let loose on some issues that we had...my brother and he's wife excluded her after she cheated on me and she just wants forgiveness. She feels that it was a major factor for the divorce. My brother just wants me to be free and happy and start again at some point. The kids are ok. I see them alot and they love spending time with me which is great but I don't just want to be a dad...surely I should be able to let go of my guilt and try and meet someone new? Should I wait for my ex now that we have a clean sheet?
What? Now I may be somewhat late to the party here, but as I understand it, she actually cheated on you at some point in your marriage, you say? The only reason that she wants you now is because she's probably having difficulty in finding someone who thinks she's attractive enough to drop their drawers for!
Revel in that fact and just be happy that she "cashed your check" before you ever had to cash hers!
And like a Mayflower moving van, you should just move on down the line!
But if you're sincerely intent on honoring her wishes in attempting to reestablish the severed relationship, then I'd offer up that she'd better agree to undergo some extremely traumatic marriage counseling, all on her nickel and with absolutely no guarantees of success attached!!
Sorry about your situation. I only read some of it, but since I may be heading the same way, I know what I would do.
*There is no such thing as "friend". I'm not going to become another abused man who clings to the kids every other weekend. He11 no!! Likewise, I am not going to be helping out with ANYTHING because I know these games very well.
*So she admitted to cheating? Well, people are different and you seem like a nicer person than me, but if I have confirmed cheating I will never talk to her again. Cannot trust her.
*Get a new chick and then flaunt it right in her face if it will hurt her. She started this..
I'm sorry, but it definitely looks like she treating you like that "friend" with hope. I've been friend zoned twice in my life and it took me months to get out of it. There is nothing good that can come out of that.
At some point you really need to wake up. You have no future with this. She's shown and told you who she is but for some reason you refuse to believe it.
When are you going to quit swallowing her BS and have a meaningful life?
Thanks for the update. I was thinking about you last week but assumed you left TAM 3 months ago.
From your words you seem to be doing much much better.
Great job.
You already know what 100 percent of us are going to recommend about how to deal with EX. Remember she wants control. IMO she really is not seeking forgiveness. Nothing you ever wrote about her indicated that.
Sadly, she reminds me of my ex-SIL. She screwed over my brother but then acted (still acts) like she is everyone's friend.
Thanks blueinbr. I am in a much better place. Probably in the best place to make a positive move and get away from my ex's spell! Posters on here are right...Her grip round my throat has been so tight that I have been powerless to get away from her games. She wants to control me and our situation. I told her that when my job contract ends at the end of next year, I will sell the house...her face contorted in disbelief..she must know she is on borrowed time but will play me until the end as she struggles to make decisions and would need to be shocked into acting on something. The only bonus in all this is that I see my girls all the time. My ex sometimes talks to me when I collect them..sometimes not. I'm used to it now..
Listen to your brother. I just started reading your threads and I regret not reading them sooner. Uptown might have given you insight into your wife. Read his many posts @Uptown. You do realize your brother and his wife are the only two people who are objective. She appears to have BPD tendencies.
You do realize the only time she treated you well was when you lost weight and showed signs of moving on? What does that tell you? You want her? Be an ass. That's right be an ass. Drop the weight, pick up the guitar, get a Harley and skip of to Amsterdam from time to time and get stoned. She will always either be at your throat or at your feet. Not what I want in a woman, actually not in a friend either. Understand that's all she can give you, all she can do for anyone over the long haul.
Well I get what is being said on here but my issue is with this feeling of obligation to her. She had such a hold on me for so long it has become difficult to just let go even if I know deep down that she is no good for me. I worry that the children will think less of me if I 'abandon' their mom.
One thing that has really been getting to me this week, she says that we are friends but only contacts me to briefly ask how I am and to ask for money or to take the kids of her hands. Sure, the extra cash is for the girls schooling and activities, but she shows no interest in me as a person whatsoever. I always have to keep conversations going as she has hardly anything to say to me..if the kids were not present it would be very awkward! Why would she keep me hanging but not at least pretend to care? Really gets to me.
How many friends do you have that only contact you when they want money or need a favor? I hope none.
BTW. She abandoned you. You are not abandoning her.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Talk About Marriage
4.9M posts
105.3K members
Since 2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!