Separated wife only wants to be friends - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-24-2016, 03:15 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Wow. What I am reading sounds a lot like what i am going through. Although I am making sure i dont take any crap from my soon to be ex.

I am in my 5th week of separation. It's over between us. I know she has since slept with someone after week 1. My wife is hot and I am so jealous I won't be with her again.

She did nothing around the house, I did all the work. I cooked, cleaned, DIY'd, paid for most stuff. I got nothing but crap about how she looked after the kids while I worked, which equals me not doing any thing to help her?!

She texts or calls me daily asking me to do stuff.

Andy, like me you have to start ignoring her a bit or stop doing favours for her. I would like nothing more for my missus to use me for sex like one poster said happened to him but that would just make things worse.

I wanted to make a thread about my own issues. I know I have to be strong, this thread sounds quite familiar. I have lost the dream of the typical family, I have lost a gorgeous, hot wife. I won't have sex with her ever again. She tore my heart out and stomped on it. We have kids and have to see each other - I will do anything for them but not for her, that will be a fine line and I get crap from her when I stand up for myself and she doesn't get what she wants

It's hard but Andy you need to look after what you want and face up to the fact she won't be in that picture.

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post #122 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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It's difficult to detach in a way that you do not do anything or feel anything for the other person. My W was my life. And I was hers. To suddenly turn off from her would not only go against how I feel, but reduce my communication with the girls. I have to maintain a good relationship but learn somehow to keep my distance emotionally.

She has been more friendly and talkative this week. I don't understand why. We had a row on saturday but since then, she is not as cold towards me. Don't get it. She texted me for nearly 2 hours on Sunday, mainly to clear the air and talk about the kids but niw asks me about my job and how I am.

She is going to Disneyland with her mum and the kids this weekend. I feel sad about it as we all went together last June. I continue to feel like an outsider. Although she makes sure I talk to the kids and know what they are doing, I feel like I have no family life of my own. Are there any good reads on situatuons like mine? I seem to be stronger now than I was but maybe I am just blanking the reality out.
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post #123 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 01:24 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Do you have any close friends you can hang out with? That helps. A little.
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post #124 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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I have 2 close friends who I see often, and although it helps, it isn't the same as close female company. That is what I really miss. I thought of asking the receptionist at work on a date, but that would be a bad idea. I can only think about my W even though she has no interest.
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post #125 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Andy,
The reason she can talk and exchange pleasantries about work is that she has LONG AGO detached from you emotionally. What she is demonstrating toward you is called indifference.
I know how hard it is. Believe me, I do. But, you DO need to turn it off and block her out of your life. If not, you will just cause yourself extended time on the pain you're experiencing. It's hard. It's not impossible. Have you checked with your doctor about a zoloft prescription for anxiety? Are you having panic attacks or feeling just on edge constantly about all this? I did. The zoloft helped. I used a generic version.

You will eventually come to realize that she wasn't your life, and you weren't hers. If she was your life, you'd have not been on porn sites and would have been in the bedroom with your wife, tearing up the sheets. And if you were her life, she wouldn't be divorcing you. You are seeing things from the perspective of an understandably hurt, emotional, dysfunctional state of mind. What you're feeling now is causing you to think in a certain way. Once you are able to block her out of your life and detach, you will see things differently and be able to move on.

You will get through this. You'll just get through it faster if you follow some of the advice people with experience in this are giving you. There is NOTHING you can do about her feelings. NOTHING. ANYTHING you attempt to get her to reconcile will drive her further away (if that's even possible, now). If you would ignore her, move on, and date other women; you'd have a better chance of reconciling than hoovering around her and showing her how weak and dependent you are.
She likely will NOT ever return to the marriage-- it rarely, if ever happens, even when the marriage was stronger at one time than yours. You've got to accept this--- she's not coming back. Once you accept, you'll heal. I've said it before. Maybe it will sink in eventually.
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post #126 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 02:30 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I know that I can't hang around her, and her coldness towards me keeps me at a distance. We had an argument about how she doesn't want me taking the kids to my brothers house because she doesn't get on with his wife. It became heated because they are my closest family. She just snapped that I shouldn't have done what I did!
She is dictating what family members you can see and not see? Are you sure you are getting divorced?

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post #127 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
It's difficult to detach in a way that you do not do anything or feel anything for the other person. My W was my life. And I was hers. To suddenly turn off from her would not only go against how I feel, but reduce my communication with the girls. I have to maintain a good relationship but learn somehow to keep my distance emotionally.

She has been more friendly and talkative this week. I don't understand why. We had a row on saturday but since then, she is not as cold towards me. Don't get it. She texted me for nearly 2 hours on Sunday, mainly to clear the air and talk about the kids but niw asks me about my job and how I am.

She is going to Disneyland with her mum and the kids this weekend. I feel sad about it as we all went together last June. I continue to feel like an outsider. Although she makes sure I talk to the kids and know what they are doing, I feel like I have no family life of my own. Are there any good reads on situatuons like mine? I seem to be stronger now than I was but maybe I am just blanking the reality out.
Having a good time with the kids and her mum at Disney yet tells you to go find a friend at the friggin gym. What kind of bullocks is that? Time to start scheduling day trips for you and the kids. You don't need a darn gym to find a friend or keep busy. You make time for the kids away from your STXW. The evenings you see the kids. Take them for ice cream. Leave STBX and the house.

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post #128 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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I hear what people are saying but I feel trapped. I put her on a pedastal and have always admired her. Even now she had such power over me. I also feel guilty for letting down the kids as they want me home and think I should love their mum. I don't agree that she is indifferent towards me. She is emotionally a mess and still has feelings for me but thinks she is happier ling term with me at a distance. It's not healthy for me I know but I can't pull away so easily.
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post #129 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 04:34 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Seriously? Why are they going to Disney World without you?

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post #130 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 04:49 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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I hear what people are saying but I feel trapped. I put her on a pedastal and have always admired her. Even now she had such power over me. I also feel guilty for letting down the kids as they want me home and think I should love their mum. I don't agree that she is indifferent towards me. She is emotionally a mess and still has feelings for me but thinks she is happier ling term with me at a distance. It's not healthy for me I know but I can't pull away so easily.


Andy, you are in denial. She does not have any feelings for you. If she did, her actions wouldn't speak volumes to the opposite. Feeling guilty about the pain you're going through is not the same as feelings. I hate to see you so far from acceptance. It means you're a long way from getting better.

It is indifference. I hate it, but it is.
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post #131 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 05:15 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Yeah you need to blank her out. My wife is doing the same. Asking how i am, chatting generic sh#t to me as if nothing has changed. I just ignore these questions and conversation starters. She left me and sh#t on me. Why the F should I engage in pleasantries?
She has gone. You need to accept it or your pain will carry on.

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post #132 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 05:45 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Have you checked with your doctor about a zoloft prescription for anxiety? Are you having panic attacks or feeling just on edge constantly about all this? I did. The zoloft helped. I used a generic version.
Andy, you really should consider this. I am on a 50 mg daily dosage. It helps.
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post #133 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 05:48 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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But, you DO need to turn it off and block her out of your life. If not, you will just cause yourself extended time on the pain you're experiencing. It's hard. It's not impossible.
Andy, This ^^ is a MUST DO.

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Andy, you are in denial. She does not have any feelings for you.
Unfortunately ER58 is right. You must stop thinking that she has feelings for you.
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post #134 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 08:11 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

If she really does have feeling for you, she will chase you if you quit chasing her. If not, then you will know the truth and can move on. Either way, this is obviously not working out for you the way things are now. You are a wreck.
Leading your children on in them not being able to process the divorce is unhealthy for them. They need to realize that their parents are getting divorced. You stbx needs to recognize that divorce means she doesn't have you and you get to handle the kids without her input on where they go or who they are with. You aren't going to take them someplace dangerous for heaven sake.

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post #135 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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If she really does have feeling for you, she will chase you if you quit chasing her.
Right!

And Andy, do not mistake her calling you or texting you to be "chasing" you. It is not.
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