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Separated wife only wants to be friends

124K views 521 replies 69 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Hi all.

If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.

Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?

She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?
 
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#84 ·
I am very much in denial. I always hope that one day we can work things out. I find comfort in the thought....
When we separated before, she was crushed at the thought of me meeting someone else..now she is encouraging it..does she really mean it? She knows that I am lonely. I don't really know anyone in this place except her and my kids. She says that I wasn't that interested in spending time with her before..which is crap. She tells me to move on......this is such a nightmare for me.
 
#100 ·
--you are not going to work things out

--does she mean this? does she mean that? What difference does it make?

--She does not want you. She has told you this. Believe it.

I know it's hard, I have been in a similar place, but Andy you are looking pathetic....and you dont HAVE to. It's a CHOICE.
 
#86 ·
The agreememt is between us to decide. I see them 3 evenings a week where I help with bedtime, every saturday unless they see her family and every other sunday when she has to work. She wants to reduce the mid week visits to 2 nights as it's too much for her. She doesn't really speak to me whilst I am there and I just get on with things with the girls.
 
#88 ·
They are you children too. It is time for a legal agreement. She does not get to decide everything according to what she wants, unless you let her. That is not healthy for the family. There should be a mutually agreed upon arrangement that works for the family.
 
#87 ·
So there is no legal agreement. You haven't filed, have you?

I know how this feels. I am sorry.

You have GOT to accept she is gone, Andy. You have for to start detaching for your own good, and get right in the head before you see her with another man. That will happen very soon.

I'm 100% convinced she is done with you. No matter what happens, the person you once knew is gone.
Face it. It isbt as bad as it seems.
You WILL find someone else and it would be hard not to find one better than this one.

You need some Zoloft and some no contact months, and a freaking lawyer, like now. You won't listen and are rapidly self destructing not getting this taken care of legally.
Please listen to men who have been through this.
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#89 ·
So there is no legal agreement.

You have GOT to accept she is gone, Andy. You have for to start detaching for your own good, and get right in the head before you see her with another man. That will happen very soon.

You need some Zoloft and some no contact months,
Andy, listen to @Evinrude58 I am taking zoloft for my anxiety due to separation from a woman. It helps. I have some xanax too.

Everyone is right about no contact. Limit yourself to see her ONLY when you have to for the kids.

What I found is that the more I distanced myself from this woman of mine, the more she initiated contact with me. The more I worked to be with her the LESS she wanted to be around me. This is exactly what your wife is doing. They all do this. You NEED to understand the more your push to be with your wife the less she wants you around and the MORE she will grow to resent and hate you.

No Contact is freaking hard. There is no easy getting over it. I am going on two weeks of NC. I have held steady; she contacted me three times and each time she does it restarts my longing for this woman.

I actually want the NC because right now I cannot and do not want to see her or hear about her with another man.

Never ever give up anything without getting something else in return. If she tries to limit you see the kids during the week, trade it for something else of equal importance to you and them. If you just concede she will she you as weak and take more. Hold firm.

So besides work and seeing the kids , what are you doing for yourself?
 
#92 · (Edited)
I never claimed my situation was similar. Nor can I really understand what Andy is going though.

I was only trying to tell him that the advice offered by the other posts is the right path. I only wanted to help OP and did not want to threadjack with too much of my story.

I will now keep quiet on this thread. Good Luck Andy
 
#94 ·
It's hard for anyone to know exactly what I am going through..I thought my marriage would last forever. I met the dream girl and believed that a family should stick it out. I don't doubt my wife has feelings for me but she says she has to stay strong and stick to the separation as it would be easier to let me back in. So why tell me to move on? This is why I am in this limbo. I still believe in us so cannot detach. I wish there was a way to switch off and live alone happily. I know what the poster said about going no contact. I will try it. She contacts me every day to tell me about the kids, but never anything personal about me or her. I miss her company but right now, nothing I have done is working. Can anyone actually tell me the best way to detach when I have to see her every week to see the kids?
 
#96 ·
Andy, I STILL have to see my ex daily and deal w her about kids. Mine did to me what yours is doing to you. She even came over and used me for sex a time or two. She was cheating online, etc.

Acceptance is the key. Mine said the same bs as yours. She feels guilty and that's why she's talking to you.
You are mistaking it for feelings. She has none.
Mine uploaded my pics and wrote me a dating profile online out of guilt WHILE we were married. They do this crazy s*#%.
aCCEPTANCE. Can't tell you how important that is.
Feeling for you.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#101 ·
The problem I have at the moment is that I am lodging and only have a room in a house. I cannot take the kids there. I also work long hours so cannot drop the kids off at school so no mid week sleep overs. Until I have some capitol I cannot afford to rent a property and that will not be until June. I therefore have no option but to visit the kids in the evenings and take them out for a few hours at weekends. So, my evening visits are important for me but it isn't easy on her seeing me. She says that I get to see the kids more than some fathers do but they need to see me too. It's always her way or not at all. A custody application would be pointless at this stage. We have 50/50 responsibility as stated in the divorce papers. She could play hard ball and stop access if she really wanted to but that would back fire as she would never get a break from them and struggle to get a baby sitter for when she works. I am happy to see them but don't like the rules changing because of her feelings towards me.
 
#103 ·
Please explain a few things that might help us.
Did you have any input in the divorce agreement? Or did you just go along with what she wanted?
When is the divorce final?
Is she living in the family home with the children?
What does the family home consist of: a rental house or apartment, a home you own?
What does the custody agreement say regarding when you each have the children? You said it gives you 50/50, but she seems to be calling all the shots.

If you are working long hours and cannot take the children to school in the morning, you will have to figure something else out. You are not going to be able to go to her house indefinitely to visit the kids. And you shouldn't be visiting them. You are their father. You aren't a babysitter or a friend who comes to visit. To keep the kids healthy and in good spirits, some kind of proper arrangement needs to be worked out between the two of you.
 
#104 ·
What a trainwreck.

Andy accepts all the blame for this situation.....his looking at porn and how it made her feel is the SOLE cause of the M breakdown.

Her going out sleeping around with other men, partying, and even doing drugs is not 'relevant'.

What a crock of sh*t.

Andy....I saw that yesterday, Bandit posted that eventually people would stop posting advice if you continue to not follow ANY of the awesome advice many posters have been trying to extend to you.

He's is probably right.....all the great advice in the world does not a single bit of good if you don't finally detach and stand up and start fighting for yourself.

What you are putting up with is RIDICULOUS.
 
#105 ·
Andy, you need to get it together man, seriously. You are participating in screwing yourself. Stop it. Just stop, and actually think for a bit. Stop worrying about your wife, and think about you, your kids, and your life without your ex. You need to face up to it, because this is what is happening, and nothing will stop it. Nothing, so just forget it for now, before you screw up the next phase of your life. You need money. Save money while living in your own house. If it bugs her that much, let her move out and visit the kids. Prepare to sell the house, if you cannot afford to keep it. Look for a place very close to the school, so the kids can walk. Set your life up in order to afford having your kids half the time, let her worry about her half. And for crying out loud, answer us, do you have your own lawyer, and have you asked him for input, or just gone along with her demands? Because that's what it sounds like.
 
#106 ·
I'll try and make myself clear because posters are not reading my thread properly.

My wife filed for divorce in January.

We are at the financial stage where we have agreed out of court. My w only wants child maintenance but I OFFERED to pay my share of the mortgage. Child custody is split equally in the uk unless other issues are raised by the court.

I can afford the house as I earn a high salary. I moved out of my house to stop the extreme tension and give my w space and will not have the money for my own place for two more months then I will be ok.

My wife slept with other guys when we separated 5 years ago and hasn't since we got back together...just flirting...which is still bad.

I have a lawyer and she says the papers look ok snd my w is being very reasonable.

I'm not on this forum for legal advice with all due respect. I came on here for emotional support. To try and reconcile with her. For advice on how to actually let go and hear practical ideas.
 
#108 ·
The letting go gets a LOT easier once you no longer have to see her. Focus on gritting your teeth to get through the next few months till you get your own place. Don't talk to her about ANYTHING except for the children. Don't expect ANYTHING from her unless it's about the children. Don't offer her ANYTHING unless it's about the children. Don't talk to her about how her day was, don't mow her lawn, don't bring her a coffee. Pretend she's a hired housekeeper/nanny you have no connection to. Avoid her as much as possible by bringing the children somewhere else for your time. Take them househunting with you. Even if you can't afford anything right now, practice looking around with them anyway. Focus on the future, down to the minutia. When you feel emotional, take deep breaths, remind yourself this is temporary and refocus yourself on the future.
 
#110 ·
My situation is that I am struggling day to day with the reality that my marriage is over. My wife contacts me alot, messaging me about the kids and when I see her, to see the kids, she looks great and I that fills me with regret that I cannot be intimate with her anymore. I can't just not see her so I have to try and look at her differently but that would only happen if I had someone else in my life which is not going to happen for a while.

I think about how I just wanted to have a normal family and can't believe how matter of fact she is and content with this new arrangement. For her, divorce is a fact of life as she already lived it as a child. She says that it is hard for her too but couldn't be unhappy for the rest of her life. I now feel that I don't have a normal life...everyone at work is married and I feel alone. I miss the company...

She told me to join a gym or something....and to stop using her and the kids for my company! She said that I should try and meet someone else and start over! It's a nightmare for me. Who else should I turn to if not my family?
 
#112 ·
She told me to join a gym or something....and to stop using her and the kids for my company! She said that I should try and meet someone else and start over! It's a nightmare for me. Who else should I turn to if not my family?
This is 100% true. You have to make your own life. You will never have a successful relationship in the future if you dont learn to be on your own. You really need to work on your codependence, you cannot rely on other people to complete your life. Make sure you dont date for quite some time, you have a lot of work to do on yourself.
 
#111 ·
I understand the surreal world that you live in after a separation or divorce. It's about healing during this time. There is no one formula and if there were..... I would be drinking the coolaid! LOL

Your family cannot meet all of your needs emotionally. It is important to make friends or turning to your friends; to look at perhaps finding a counselor; or connecting spiritually (church, prayer, etc). There are divorce support groups in which I have just finished attending. Basically, reaching out to others is beneficial but really family is somewhat limited and skewed....they sometimes want to fix; don't know how to help; or are so emotionally involved themselves can make things worse for us.

It's difficult to let go when you have children and are contact. However, it can be done in due time.
 
#113 ·
In a couple of months you will have a place of your own and be able to take the kids to your home. That will help a lot.
In the meantime, I think joining a gym would be a great idea for you. Exercise helps tremendously with stress and makes you feel better about yourself. It also makes for a great physique.
 
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#114 ·
Your wife (for all technical purposes) is no longer your wife. It's strange that you want to hang around her when you couldn't even stay off the porn sites to sexually satisfy her. She's hot but apparently you're not interested in her sexually. She's screamed and raged at you for your entire marriage about the porn but you didn't do anything different. Now, it's too little too late.

Accept your actions towards your marriage's demise and try to take your next partner's complaints seriously.

You will feel better when you get your own place and establish your own routines.
 
#115 ·
she cant have you as a friend and reject you as a husband. My husbands ex wife met another man and divorced him but still expected him to go and help her out with her paper work and jobs round the house. BY then we had met and after talking about it he told her that he wasnt going to come any more except to collect the sons when he saw them. They had no more contact after that as the boys were old enough to make make their own arrangements with their dad.

if she has ended the marriage, then she has to accept that she cant have you any more. You need to be polite and civil but apart from when you collect your children, you have no need to see her. It maybe that when you cut those ties she will realise what she may loose, but right now she doesnt want you as a husband but wants to hang onto you for her own needs.
 
#116 ·
I know that I can't hang around her, and her coldness towards me keeps me at a distance. We had an argument about how she doesn't want me taking the kids to my brothers house because she doesn't get on with his wife. It became heated because they are my closest family. She just snapped that I shouldn't have done what I did! She is still very angry about the break up and rarely speaks to me so keeping a diatance from her isn't too difficult....it's the kids who are confused although they know the situation. My W tells my eldest daughter stuff that shouldn't be hearing so when she is distant, I know something has been said. I just don't know the woman anymore. She is so resentful I'm not sure how we could ever be normal in a marriage again...I know I have to live my own life but the way things are for me right now...it's very hard. Would time calm things down?
 
#119 · (Edited)
I know that I can't hang around her, and her coldness towards me keeps me at a distance. We had an argument about how she doesn't want me taking the kids to my brothers house because she doesn't get on with his wife. It became heated because they are my closest family. She just snapped that I shouldn't have done what I did! She is still very angry about the break up and rarely speaks to me so keeping a diatance from her isn't too difficult....it's the kids who are confused although they know the situation. My W tells my eldest daughter stuff that shouldn't be hearing so when she is distant, I know something has been said. I just don't know the woman anymore. She is so resentful I'm not sure how we could ever be normal in a marriage again...I know I have to live my own life but the way things are for me right now...it's very hard. Would time calm things down?
Andy, Your ex wife is trying to manipulate you. She does not want you talking the kids because she does not get along with your brother's wife? Who the heck cares!! Your ex is not going to be there so what is it to her? It is very important that you visit your family and take your kids. They are your kids family too.

Your ex wife is, every effectively, going to guilt and shame you into doing things she wants. It is all about power and control and she is controlling you for her own benefit.

She did not say your brother's wife would be bad influence on your kids. It is all about your ex wife. It is ALWAYS about her. You must know that by now.

We are looking forward to your next post about how you and YOUR kids (not HER kids) went to see your brother...
 
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