Separated wife only wants to be friends - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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Separated wife only wants to be friends

Hi all.

If you have read my previous threads, you will know that my wife has given me a hard time since discovering porn on my phone and filing for divorce after years of feeling taken for granted.

Well, I have moved out now, the divorce financial settlement has been agreed and my wife's attitude towards me has changed.
She now wants me to spend as much time with the kids as possible. We have been on days out as a family and she says things are so much better between us. I compliment her, which she likes but has told me that she just wants to develop a friendship with me and not a romance. She admits she would be lost without me but just wants us to have fun together as friends and to bring up the children together.
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy I cans hare a few glasses of wine with. Am I being selfish? Should I just back down and embrace this new dynamic? Does she think that this will be enough for me or is she testing me to see if the changes are permanent?

She was sad when I left the house, she sat there crying saying that although things had been difficult, I am all she knows. There is no OM and I'm not sure she would want me around so much if there was. I feel stuck in a place where I want her back and know I will have to wait for her feelings to change, but for how long? Is there a way forward for us without pushing her away?

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post #2 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 05:32 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

So basically she is getting her emotional needs met by you, without having to reciprocate.

That sounds like a pretty crappy arrangement.

The irony is, likely the sooner you refuse that type of relationship and begin to move on, the sooner she will be willing to step out of her comfort zone with you.

You may as well start doing it now. If she doesn't fight for you, it's not worth it for you anyway. If she does fight for you, then maybe you can begin to rebuild your relationship.

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post #3 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 05:40 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

So she has friendzoned you.

Don't let her get away with that.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #4 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 05:57 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

If she wants a divorce, that is understandable, but it is not reasonable for her to expect you to be there as you always have been as her husband. When you are no longer her husband, your relationship will change.

Let her see the changes in you are permanent. Let her know that you still care about her, but I think it's best that you do not tell her that you love her anymore or that you will always love her or anything like that. You could help her sometimes, but she shouldn't come to expect that you will always be there for her personally. Yes, you will be there for your kids - always, but not for her. She is not your wife. Yes, you messed up, but she has chosen to divorce.

She may be willing to date you. If she is, I would recommend doing that and building a new relationship with her. Take it slowly as you would if you were dating someone new, because you are at square one now.

Like farsidejunky said, you don't want an unbalanced relationship where you are meeting her emotional needs, but she is not meeting yours. Relationships have to be balanced to work properly.

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post #5 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 01:10 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Geez, you're STILL doing everything wrong! Stop kissing her ass, man up, and divorce her! The pathetic displays have got to stop. She will take advantage of you at every turn with no intention of being with you. So dont let her. Stop hanging out as a family and learn to do things on your own with your kids. End it with some dignity.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #6 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 09:09 AM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Trust was broken for your wife. This is what men do not understand. There is a huge sea of women out there and porn at your fingertips but when you engage in seeking a woman for your sexual pleasure whether it is fantasizing about the woman across the room or plugged into your phone watching porn videos or looking up naked pics of movie stars you are not putting the time and effort into your marriage. It is a betrayal. You were not being emotionally available to your wife as you were caught up in the fantasy of sexual thoughts with another woman. She wants to be friends for the sake of the family and she wants to keep that relationship good, does not want the fighting and the hardship and does not want her children pulled into the middle of an ugly mess between mom and dad. But she has emotionally detached in order to do this. She does not want to be close to you in an intimate way because she has been hurt by your actions. She does not want to involve herself emotionally with someone that she feels will betray her again.

Are you complimenting her and being nice to her to try to win her back? At this point, not knowing you or her or the situation, the only way you can win your wife back is to get some serious therapy for yourself and involve her in the process. If she sees you are serious about giving up the porn and seeking other women she "might" have a change of heart. The advantage you have right now is that she is still communicating with you and she is wanting the friendship, you share the children and that is all to your advantage but the big key here is you have to be willing to look in the mirror and face the reason why you were seeking the porn instead of being loving and engaging a relationship with your wife. If she believes that all you want from her, or other women, is sex she will remain emotionally distant to keep herself safe.
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post #7 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 12:50 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

This is like groundhog day...

Brother, if you want to come here and vent thats fine. Your clearly not ready to take anyones advice yet.

When you get crushed again, and you will, we will be here to pick you up....

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post #8 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 01:10 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I have told her that I respect her feelings but hope things will change in the future.....

Just so confused and lonely. I should be happy that things have improved but I want my wife back not a buddy
OP, I have not read your other threads (I will) but from just these few posts I think you might be a lot like me.

If you still love her and do not want to divorce her, then being around her afterwards as "friends" will be ongoing torture for you. DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELF. You will interpret almost anything as a signal that she wants to get back together with you. And you will be wrong every time.

I am going through a similar emotional situation with a woman. She wants to be friends. I do not want a buddy. I want more. But I will never get it. My only path is to stop being friends with her and I am currently able to do so.

You must make a clean break and put her behind you, as painful and difficult as that will be. Go about a new life. Then in the future you MIGHT reconnect with your ex wife, but only then and only once you are no longer lonely, confused and needy.

It hurts bad. I know. Stay strong and keep posting.

BTW, the cannot believe she would divorce you over JUST "discovering porn on my phone"
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post #9 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Cynthiade...That is pretty much what is going on.
She is hurt and has detached emotionally. She says that I am all she knows and would be very lost without me. As it stands, by going along with this arrangement, I get to see the kids when I want. I am totally involved. I will continue to 180 and show her that I am a better man and hope she opens her heart to me. I know this can't continue forever and I can't believe she would expect it to. She says she is done with men...but just wants me in her life. Problem is, I am not done with women and will want an intimate normal relationship at some point.
All this is torture but I have no other choice right now. Once the divorce is finalised I will have to make a decision weather to keep going or move on. I did it before...when I told her I had a date...she suddenly wanted to work on the marriage. I don't think I would try that trick now as it could back fire and affect me seeing the kids. I am grateful that she is on good terms and even she says that things are looking good...but how can I progress from this?
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post #10 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 05:03 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Dude,
I read all your old threads.

Your wife is telling you what you need to know. See your kids. Support them. Be a good man.
Treat your ex like you'd like to be treated.

But, get her out of your mind as far as a romantic partner.

Yes, do all the things I've mentioned, and get yourself a nice girlfriend.

Your wife is NOT done with men. She's done with you. The quicker you accept this, the better. Getting yourself a girlfriend will not bother her if she's truly done with you. If it does bother her, then you can let it keep bothering her until she does something about it, like either asking you back or whatever. What are you going to do? Stay abstinent until she asks you back--/ which is unlikely.
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post #11 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 05:23 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

I'd be friendly with her, for the sake of your kids, but I wouldn't sit around 'having a glass of wine' with her. It will only keep you confused. When people say 'I want to be friends,' it doesn't always mean as it sounds. It often just means that they have forgiven and are willing to be friendly ...and don't want to hold a grudge anymore. The other 'I want to be friends' mantra is given out by narcissists who don't mean it at all, and wish to keep the person on a string, yanking them to their every whim when it suits, and the person who is being yanked will oblige, because after all...they're ''friends.'' Not sure which category she fits into, but rarely do people who say 'i want to be friends,' in these types of situations, really mean that.

Focus on making your life better, healing...and being your best self. Focus on your kids while doing so and build your own happiness. Only you can control your happiness.
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post #12 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 06:16 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I'd be friendly with her, for the sake of your kids, but I wouldn't sit around 'having a glass of wine' with her. It will only keep you confused. When people say 'I want to be friends,' it doesn't always mean as it sounds. It often just means that they have forgiven and are willing to be friendly ...and don't want to hold a grudge anymore. The other 'I want to be friends' mantra is given out by narcissists who don't mean it at all, and wish to keep the person on a string, yanking them to their every whim when it suits, and the person who is being yanked will oblige, because after all...they're ''friends.'' Not sure which category she fits into, but rarely do people who say 'i want to be friends,' in these types of situations, really mean that.

Focus on making your life better, healing...and being your best self. Focus on your kids while doing so and build your own happiness. Only you can control your happiness.
Worth repeating!!!
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post #13 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 06:28 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Back in the day when I had friends....some were happy for me when I found a romantic interest, and some were jealous....what kind of friend will your ex wife be when you find another romantic interest?

It's nice to have a friend to have a drink with, it's also nice to have a friend hand you a wrench when your doing your brakes, lending you a few bucks until pay day, and pick you and your date up when you both had to much to drink. And vise verse of.

So the question remains....does your ex old lady want to be friends or just friendly?
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post #14 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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Does she want to be friends or just friendly?
That is a good question. I'm not sure she knows herself. She says she wants to 'develop' a friendship.. which could mean that she needs to free herself of me in a romantic light and then become my buddy?!
She does need me as she has nobody to really speak to or support her..so in a way, this arrangement suits her but it also gives me access to the kids.

I visited this evening because I finished work early and being my first day of a new job, I missed her and wanted to share my day. She was a little cold with me and said your here to see the girls...I thought oh ok and I left her alone. Maybe she was tired..I don't know but I thought..thanks for nothing.

I like the idea of living my life for me and see if she worries about loosing me but I know that it could work against me. For now I don't have an alternative as I also have no friends or support locally. We built our marriage around the two of us and depended on one another. For her to file for divorce must have been a very decision.

I now go to therapy, I have stopped all porn and enjoy every second I am with the kids. I don't know what else to do?
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post #15 of 522 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 09:23 PM
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Re: Separated wife only wants to be friends

Do what single dads do.

Also read the MMSLP book below. Download it there or at amazon. You need to learn/relearn what it means to be a man.
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