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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-19-2016, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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New friends and the kids

I left my 16 yr marriage May 9, 2015 but we went to counseling until September when I realized I was done. We should be finalizing the separation papers this week. It has been reasonably amicable with lots of nuisance issues from him. While married, he was abusive and controlling but the divorce is going much better than expected. We have nested this whole time so the kids are in the house full time. He and I have 50% custody and are only in the house during our time. I have not yet moved out of the house. He is very insecure and needs people around him constantly. My kids are 12 and 13. So how should I handle this situation?

My stbX has found a new group of friends at a new church. On my daughter's birthday, one woman sent my daughter a bouquet of balloons delivered to the door. Then when stbX went away I offered to watch MY dog but instead of asking me to watch the dog, he again had 2 women come to the house to walk the dog. I still live at the house and have my belongings in the house. I offered to come stay at the house for the dog. Then most recently my daughter said she went to one of those pottery painting places. I asked who she went with, thinking a friend of hers. She said she went with daddy's friends. I asked if there were any children there and she said no. My kids have mentioned Ms. Laura and Ms. Carol a lot. I don't care if my stbX has a relationship with these women but why are they acting like family to my kids? What can I ask of my stbX who doesn't understand boundaries?

I don't care if he has new friends or even if he is dating any of these women. I care that these women seem to be so much a part of my kids' lives and he doesn't see this as inappropriate.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 08:12 AM
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The kids are going places with dad and his friends, or just his friends?

I'm a stbx myself (August), so while I will have to come to grips with the potential of another man dating my wife and doing things with my kids I understand it may happen. Now if they have just met said friends and they are already going out with them without my wife I would be concerned as well.

Please clarify so we are on the same page. I'm soon to possibly be in this boat too so I'm interested as well on how to handle this.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New friends and the kids

My daughter said that she was at the pottery place with dad's friends and no kids (implying her brother wasn't there and he did not do pottery). She did not say dad was there or not but he didn't make a piece either. I have a son so I am presuming that dad was home with son. I don't like to assume because it can lead to wrong ideas. I am OK if he is dating and while I believe it is too soon/inappropriate for him to be bringing women around, I don't expect he sees it that way. He likes having 'his people' all together and close to him (so they can't escape, LOL). I know I can't control him or expect him to even see this from my perspective. I just would think these women would have better boundaries than him to know that what they are doing is inappropriate. I've only been hearing about his church divorce support group for a few months and I think this is where these women are from. If there is a woman in his life, I think to some degree it would be better for everyone but I guess it all depends.

One friend of mine said anytime she started dating a man with children and the relationship got to the point where she spent time with the child even with the dad, she insisted on meeting the ex wife. This sounds very respectful. She of course requested this of her ex. Not sure how that went over.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 12:42 PM
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Gotcha, yes it seems odd a friend would take daughter to pottery class. Only thing that makes sense to me is the woman has met your daughter enough at the church that there is some level of comfort there. Is she your daughters Sunday school teacher? Youth group leader? Something like that I think may lead to bonding enough to be comfortable.

It doesn't sound like it was a spur of the moment decision. I'd assume it was planned and your daughter knew ahead of time.

Only suggestion I can make is talk to H about it. Daughter said she went to a pottery class and not with you, who is she?

Not mad, just curious who is taking our kids places. I think you have a right as mom to know these things, especially in early stages. He should respect your concern. It doesn't sound like this was done with malicious intent. He's is friends with her and thinks she safe, and no thought past that. Probably didn't think you would ever find out, so telling you never was considered.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: New friends and the kids

I don't think he has a boundary issue.

Hear me out...

1.) On his time, you have no control of who he or the children associate with until you have a Restraining Order served to those people. Some pesky bit about people having freedom of association.

2.) When I divorced with 50/50 parenting time with my pre-teen daughter, having a few friends who happened to be women, married and single as a mix, proved to be beneficial to my daughter. When she got her 1st monthly visit... A friend a couple streets over had spent time with her alone and so she was comfortable enough to contact her to come help her with what she needed. My ex was an hour away. So as they sorted out, they called her to include her the best they could. Boyfriend issues that are sometimes best left to mom... A close female companion near home.

3.) Another benefit? My ex was more comfortable with a couple of my female friends when it came to occasions where I may work late and needed someone to get my daughter into town for various functions vs some of my guy friends.

4.) You live there, or you don't. If it's your dog, why is there without you? Is he caring for your dog while you aren't there? I'm confused.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 01:09 PM
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[QUOTE=Malpheous;15506753]
A friend a couple streets over had spent time with her alone

How long after D did this start happening? How old was your daughter when you D?

Introducing kids to new people? When is to soon? I doubt I have this problem as I'm moving to a new town, so I won't know anyone myself.

Just curious. Thanks for insight.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 01:56 PM
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Re: New friends and the kids

Doesn't sound like you're done.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 07:03 AM
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Re: New friends and the kids

[QUOTE=Homer j;15507249]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Malpheous View Post
A friend a couple streets over had spent time with her alone

How long after D did this start happening? How old was your daughter when you D?

Introducing kids to new people? When is to soon? I doubt I have this problem as I'm moving to a new town, so I won't know anyone myself.

Just curious. Thanks for insight.
My daughter was 12 at divorce. The situation you're referring to from my post was about a year after the divorce. She had hung out with that particular friend, and others, in various social situations prior. Barbecues, beach trips with a large group of friends, etc. Some of my friends were people I knew through work that I never really socialized with outside of work as a result of the state of my marriage. So short after my wife leaving the house, I was able to have a social life again.

I think that introducing kids to new people, isn't really time dependent. A new significant other, or person you're dating, boo, bae, what have you, is different though.

People and friends are just people and friends. If you trust them around your children, then it's not a problem.

In the midst of divorce/separation however, it's important to consider the impact to your children as to what you do. There's at least a few parts to that. Is it too soon to send that message to them? Are they mature enough to understand and cope? How will they feel about it? There's also the ex to consider. Will your ex become upset to a point to participate in Parental Alienation as a result? Is it a fling? Are you introducing them to someone who may not be there in a week?

For me - my daughter was mature enough to understand most anything she could see. I wasn't dating. I was hanging out with friends. Typically we all went places as a group. She had their children to hang out with. Many were her school friends. When I did date, I dated in her absence for quite some time. she put it together on her own. She finally approached me ans said, "I know about<person> and you should know it's ok dad."

Your experience may vary greatly.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 08:15 AM
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Thanks Mal. Appreciate the insight. Some of that I kinda was thinking along, but reassurance you are on the right path is great help.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 08:51 AM
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Re: New friends and the kids

I don't think your STBX has done anything inappropriate by allowing women he knows and trusts as friends take his daughter to do something fun. They're his friends, the activity was wholesome, and the young lady seemed to enjoy it.

As long as he isn't violating court orders or endangering/neglecting the children, he has the right to parent as he sees fit when the kids are with him. If you don't trust his judgement, you need to take that up with the court.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 09:25 PM
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Re: New friends and the kids

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I don't think your STBX has done anything inappropriate by allowing women he knows and trusts as friends take his daughter to do something fun. They're his friends, the activity was wholesome, and the young lady seemed to enjoy it.

As long as he isn't violating court orders or endangering/neglecting the children, he has the right to parent as he sees fit when the kids are with him. If you don't trust his judgement, you need to take that up with the court.
When one still desires control, they're not done.
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