Maybe someone else can tell me what I am missing here. She's kissed me more times on Sunday than she has in the last six months. I am so lost...
Almost, just 30 minutes after you started this thread, @
Farsidejunky suspected that what is
"missing here" is your ability to recognize the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That's why
Farside signaled me by putting my name in
post #3 above. He knows I lived with a BPDer exW for 15 years. I therefore have been following your thread for three weeks. Until now, however, I've not seen you mention a sufficient number of BPD traits to warrant bringing this possibility to your attention.
I just want to know what in the world happened. That is all.
The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, very controlling behavior, inability to trust, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, periods of low empathy, always being "The Victim," and a rapid flip between Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your STBXW has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.
I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have" because every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your STBXW exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.
Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. Yet, as
Farside does, I believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, childishness, and temper tantrums.
She's about as independent as a 2 year old child....
If your STBXW exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits, this statement likely is far closer to reality than you imagine. BPDers (i.e., those exhibiting such strong traits) typically have the emotional development of a 3 or 4 year old. This is why they lack the emotional skills to manage their own emotions and why they lack a strong sense of self identity.
She wasn't like this until she moved in and we got married.... When we were dating and engaged, she was wonderful. I just do not understand the transformation into this she-devil.
If your STBXW has strong traits of narcissism or sociopathy, you were simply tricked by her deceptions. If she is a BPDer, however, that is unlikely. During the courtship period, a BPDer is so infatuated with you that she is convinced you are the nearly perfect man who has come to rescue her from unhappiness and provide the self identity she sorely needs. In that way, her infatuation holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. This is why, during the courtship, BPDers typically are very passionate and genuinely love the sexual intimacy.
When we were engaged, sex got less and less.
With BPDers, it is common for sex to go off a cliff right after the wedding day, if not before. The reason is that, as soon as her infatuation starts to evaporate, her two fears return. Significantly, one of these fears is "engulfment," i.e., the suffocating feeling of being controlled and taken over by your partner. Because a BPDer has a weak, fragile sense of self, she is strongly attracted to a man having a strong personality -- who thus is able to provide the stability, grounding, and sense of direction one gets from having a strong self identity.
Yet, as soon as you provide EXACTLY THAT to a BPDer, she will quickly start feeling engulfed and controlled by you. Her ego is so weak that, during intimacy, she quickly starts feeling like she is evaporating into thin air -- losing herself into your strong personality.
This is why a BPDer typically starts the very WORST fights immediately after (or during) the very BEST of times -- e.g., right after an intimate evening or great weekend spent together -- or in the middle of a wonderful expensive vacation. Although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly every other adult, they cannot tolerate it for very long.
I am trying to figure out how everything fell apart. Nothing makes any sense.... Was it all fake?
Again, if she exhibits strong narcissim or sociopathy, it almost certainly was
"all fake" and she never really loved you. If she exhibits strong BPD traits, however, she likely did truly love you -- albeit in the very immature way that young children are able to love. Sadly, that type of love falls far short of the mature love that is required to sustain a marriage or other close LTR with another adult.
I consider this a failure, thus I tried really really hard to resurrect our marriage.
If your STBXW really is a BPDer, you never failed at a husband-wife relationship. You never had such a relationship. Instead, you had a parent-child relationship. Moreover, you had such a relationship with an adult woman having so little self awareness that she has no desire to fix herself and grow up emotionally.
Having no trust for me for no reason.
If she is a BPDer, her inability to trust is to be expected. Because BPDers have weak self identities and are unable to regulate their own emotions, they know they cannot trust THEMSELVES. Until they learn how to do that, they cannot trust anyone else.
The result is that a BPDer wife typically will administer sh!t tests to see if her H is trustworthy at this moment in time. Passing one of these tests accomplishes nothing because the BPDer is incapable of trusting you a few days -- or a few hours -- later. Hence, passing one test only means she will raise the hoop higher the next time she challenges you to jump through it.
Making up things to tell your best friend and Mom/Dad about me which are not even true, but you, for some weird reason think they are.
Smart observation. If she is a BPDer, she likely believes most of the absurd allegations coming out of her mouth. And, a week later when she is claiming the exact opposite, she likely will believe that nonsense too. BPDers frequently experience very intense feelings due to their inability to regulate their own emotions. These feelings are so intense that they distort the BPDer's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion."
Not caring at all about my needs.
BPDers can be very caring individuals. Their problem is not being unable to care. Rather, it is being unable to care
consistently. They are so emotionally immature that they rely heavily on "black-white thinking," wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" (white) or "all bad" (black). When a BPDer is perceiving of you as "all good" (i.e., "splitting you white"), she likely will exhibit very caring behavior. If you make the mistake of trying to establish a close LTR with her, however, you will start triggering her two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Once her infatuation evaporates, she will start splitting you black. During these times, she will not be caring or empathetic.
Maybe down the line she'll appreciate what she had.... I doubt it though.
If she is a BPDer, you are correct. It will be impossible for you to build up a store of appreciation that later can be drawn on during the hard times. With BPDers, trying to build up a store of good will is as foolish as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It will all be washed aside by the next wave of intense feelings flooding her mind. This is why, with BPDers, it's always "What have you done for me lately?"
Took me hours to make. For Christmas, I had requests for deserts and appetizers. The wife tells them it's all an act.
Like I said, if she is a BPDer, it's always "What have you done for me lately?" You will be lucky if the appreciation lasts a few days or a few hours.
People say she realy didn't change, you just stsrted to open up your eyes and finally saw you received a raw deal.
If she is a BPDer, they likely are correct about her not changing. They likely are mistaken, however, about you having your eyes closed. As I noted above, a BPDer typically is being herself both during the courtship and after the wedding. What changes is the fading of infatuation -- an experience that eventually occurs with every lover on the planet at some point. With BPDers, however, the passing of infatuation allows their fears to return, at which point you cannot avoid triggering her two fears.
The reason you "cannot avoid" triggering them is that the two fears lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away from her to avoid triggering her engulfment fear, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering her abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints position (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand. I know because I wasted 15 years hunting for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.
When the choices of being miserable marriage or no marriage at all, she'd rather be in the miserable marriage.... She is not a person who likes to be alone with her own thoughts.
Because BPDers have very little sense of who they really are, they don't even have a "self" to keep themselves company when they are alone. BPDers therefore absolutely HATE to be alone. They need someone to provide the missing self identity. And they need someone to blame for every misfortune so they can get frequent "validation" of their false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This is why it is common for BPDers to remain in toxic marriages for many years even though they are miserable. And this is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!
I just worry that she'll think she has nothing to live for and hurt herself.... She's said several times her life is worthless without a family and she has no point in being here.
If she is a BPDer, she has very low self esteem, has great shame and self loathing, and has a weak self identity. It therefore is not surprising that "self harm" (and threats of self harm) is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.
She feels that she's in this life all by herself, which is untrue.
Yes, but the feeling itself is very real. If she is a BPDer, her perception of reality is whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Like a young child, a BPDer is too immature to intellectually challenge the truth of her intense feelings. Instead, a BPDer figures that any feeling that intense MUST be true. BPDers therefore regard strong feelings as self-evident truths and, if you insist, they will come up with some absurd explanation of why that is so.
When challenged with irrefutable proof, they usually will abandon that explanation and quickly replace it with another one just as absurd. And, if you are foolish enough to disprove that explanation, a BPDer will immediately replace it with the very first explanation -- acting as though it had never been discussed in the first place. In this way, BPDer arguments tend to loop back on themselves, being circular. Of course, this also is the way young children argue.
I swear, she just keeps on digging herself deeper and deeper.
If she is a BPDer, she is not trying to make herself more miserable. Rather, her problem is that -- absent years of intensive therapy -- she will be miserable
no matter what choice she makes. As I noted above, a BPDer is miserable when she is alone -- because she has little self identity and thus nothing to ground her. Yet, when she draws close to someone, her two great fears -- that of abandonment and engulfment -- will start to be triggered. She therefore will be miserable living with a loved one. This is a sad predicament I would not wish on my worst enemy.
She doesn't show me her checking or credit card statements. She doesn't want me to police her spending, yet she asks questions about mine all the time.
If she has strong BPD traits, it is impossible for you to have a calm, reasoned discussion on any spending decisions without her feeling you are trying to control her. My exW, for example, felt I was controlling her when giving her a surprise gift because I was the one who picked it out. Yet, when I started buying gifts she had already approved beforehand, she still felt controlled because I was the one who decided when to get them. When I gave her a generous monthly budget of "mad money" for fun purchases, she resented me for setting a limit on the budget.
Indeed, I found that it was absolutely impossible for her to NOT FEEL CONTROLLED unless she bought her own gift -- and picked something she knew I would not like. I quickly learned that, if she liked a piece of furniture for our home, it was the kiss of death for me to say I liked it too. In that event, she could not be sure "she" was the one picking it out. Her solution to this dilemma was to pick something she knew I would not like because it was the wrong size or did not match anything else in our home.
For example, we once drove six hours out of state to buy an arm chair. She decided beforehand that it had to be a high-back "wing" chair, i.e., the kind that are so vertical and hard that nobody wants to sit in them. I said "fine," which was the kiss of death for that type of chair. So, by the time we were shopping, she switched her preference to the absolute opposite: a soft, feminine, overstuffed arm chair with matching ottoman. Although it was very expensive, I said "excellent choice." So that killed off this idea too.
She then said she was in love with a pink-colored soft chair. When I objected that it didn't match any of the several colors in our living room, she insisted that the pink fabric was really "yellow." Never mind that two other customers on the showroom floor agreed with me that it was pink. The result is that we drove six hours back home without any chair at all.
Please tell me what I did wrong.... I honestly want to learn so I can attempt to avoid this again in the future.
Learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your STBXW's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.
I therefore recommend you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you have been dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.
An easy place to start reading is my list of
18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in
Maybe's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care,
Almost.