robert1234

Hey everyone. Just thought I'd share my experience of the last couple of days. W and I separated about 6 weeks ago. After 5 weeks of blame and anger, with no contact, it finally got through to me that I need to take some responsibility in this situation. Once the ball started rolling on that path (I started writing an email to W describing the contribution I perceived I had to the downfall of our relationship).... it just kept rolling. I could finally understand a little about how we got here. It was strangely cathartic and lead me to a place where I could see us reconcilling which astounded myself. She came around and we talked.

I outlined that I could see the relationship working based on a few conditions and understandings and was willing to try again. She is weary because she says there's no love left in the marriage, which is mostly true, but I also know she is still hurting and confused. She said she was coming around to the idea of us getting back together, but she needs some time. She wants to stay separated for 4-6 months so that I can 'find myself' and she can explore work opportunities in the city that she now lives in. She did suggest we could see each other at weekends and try to re-connect. I'm concerned that this much time apart will put even greater distance between us. I also don't want to be her 'backup plan' or a doormat, I respect myself more than that and I also know that it will be a tough struggle to get back to a loving relationship and we both have to be committed to it. I told her that I have a boundary that if she sleeps with anyone else in this period then there is no chance of us getting back together. She says it's not even on her mind, but I know from her FB and mail that she has talked about going out dating (but hasn't yet), although this is when she thought the relationship was dead and she was still very angry. She has also yet to take any responsibility for any part in the breakdown of the relationship. In this respect she's where I was about two weeks ago, and I'm willing to give her time.

So based on this synopsis, do I wait, call it a day, or talk about trying again sooner than 4 months? I don't want to push her or give her an ultimatum, but I also don't want to be a doormat or leave enough time for OM to come on the scene - what do I do??

Sod

It sounds reasonable to allow you both time to figure out what you want. If you truly want to reconcile and you BOTH think there is a chance, a separation with clear ground rules needs to be established where you both put deal breakers on the table (ie no dating other people etc). It doesnt hurt to have time apart to see if you truly miss each other and seeing each other for dates without pressure is a good step. I would suggest you try it with the ground rules and try to rekindle the relationship that way. It doesnt have to mean that it will last the entire 4 months as long as it happens naturally. Its good for both people to work on things to improve themselves and if its meant to be, you will reconnect

robert1234

Thanks Sod, that's some good perspective. I guess I see working on it under the same roof as easier than 100 miles apart, but I may be mistaken. Dating could be good fun and it could be a low pressure way to see if anything is still there.

crossbar

Sorry Robert, but if you're seperating with the intention of dating (either of you) then you might as well just go through with the divorce and cut all contact. Heal and move on.

Sod

I agree its easier to work on it under the same roof but if one party is pushing for space would you really want to smother them? Ideally, yes, you would not separate but if you love her and trust her then set ground rules and rekindle your romance so you miss each other when apart. There is always a risk that you dont miss each other and the marriage still fails but its a balance. Think of it as a chance for a 2nd courtship - wine, dine and romance her. Have some fun with and without her. Keep her wanting more