Lost in life; broken family - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-18-2011, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Lost in life; broken family

Hello, I am new to this site. I am struggling with a seperation from my husband. He left a year ago when our second son was only 5 months old (we also have an 8yr old and I have a 16yr old from a previous relationship). I have been with my husband for the last 13yrs (on and off). We dated briefly in high school and then met again when we were in our early 20's (me-23 & he was 22). Our relationship began a bit slowly and he initially didn't appear to be making any strides in life. I still adored him because he was so calm and sweet to me as well as to my then 4yr old son, a few months after dating he moved into my home. After a year we broke up because I felt that he didn't have enough motivation and he did not want me to mention anything about his lack of working steadily or financial responsibility. A year later he found out where I was living and showed up to my door unexpectedly. Our relationship seemed to blossom again and he was back in my life for good. 3yrs later we married and I had our first son. Although he still lacked financial and career responsibility, I loved him because he was so loving to me. 2yrs after our marriage, we separated from all of the stresses of life. Over the years our marriage had been marred by separations and him coming back. Last April, our second son was born. The last time he came back he appeared to be slightly more responsible, however the man that used to be so warm and caring towards me was gone. Although I was happy for him to be home and for our family to be together, I felt so lonely as he constantly went out with his friends, cheated on me repeatedly and rarely ever talked to me. Last year, I found out that he was cheating with another woman again and begged him to end the affair. He said that there was no affair and she was just a friend then by the end of Sept. 2010 he spent an entire weekend with this woman. When he returned home, he stated that he was going to leave so I told him to leave immediately. I did not want him to leave, but I feared that he may become violent again and did not want an issue-I called the police. He left the next day. This woman he left me for has 3 children of her own by 3 different men and was fully aware of his marriage to me (she even called my home by mistake and then lied that she did not even know my husband). Although I have been forced to work throughout our relationship and marriage to support him and our family. This woman does not work and he now works consistantly and takes care of her and her 3 kids. He rarely calls or even sees our children and the baby really has no idea who he is. I have a wonderful relationship with his parents and siblings and he has alienated himself from his family as well (as my father in law is a pastor and they do not accept his relationship with this woman and they way he treats his children). He refuses to talk to me or visit the children because I will not allow them to go to his home (as I found out earlier this year that he had our 8yr old sleeping on the floor and our baby sleeping in the bed with him & his mistress when they were allowed to his house and I did not know he had moved her and her kids in). For the last 5 months he has refused to pay any child support for either child even though he barely only paid for daycare for the baby since our separation. I lost a good job a few months ago and have been forced to take a very low paying job because I am limited on commuting distance due to lack of enough money for childcare for my 2 children and commuting distance from my home to be able to get my 8yr old. I have gained 20lbs since I had the baby (out of stress and depression) and am now facing foreclosure on my home. In an attempt to reconcile with my husband earlier this year, I put his name on the deed to the home even though the mortgage is only in my name. He wants to divorce me and I only want my family back. I hate what he is doing to our children because of his hatred for me and hate myself for wanting him home. Today my 8yr old wrote for is homework that 'he misses his dad because he left'. I was devestated and sent a photo of the work to my husband...he only texted back 'what do you want me to do? you won't let the kids come to my house so what?' I have never not allowed him to visit or see the children, but he says because he does not want to see or talk to me, he refuses to see the children at all. My 8yr old plays football and he won't even come to his games or practice. I am not a uber religious person, but I do not want a divorce (people make me feel stupid for trying to save my marriage and refusing to engage an any new male relationships or sexual activity)! I pray everyday that God brings me peace, strength and to bring my husband back to His grace, but so far to no avail. My husband says that he will never come back to me (even though we have no pending divorce) and that I am evil. His parents tell me to pray and be strong and that God is working on my husband. What do I do?? My life seems to have completely fallen apart and I have no idea of what to do at this point. This is the first time since 18yrs old that I can not take care of myself or my children and am in this horrible a situation. Any advice is appreciated.

Last edited by kaydjc; 10-18-2011 at 05:32 PM.
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-18-2011, 08:29 PM
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 105
Re: Lost in life; broken family

Your H is not a good father. He doesn't want to see his kids. That's inexcusable.

You need to focus on your kids and providing for them.

Find a lawyer, file for divorce and get your H paying child support to help you provide for your kids.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-20-2011, 06:11 PM
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 125
Re: Lost in life; broken family

I think you need to focus on you. You are incredibly strong and you are capable of incredible things! Like RunningOnEmpty said go see a lawyer and get the child support payments going. Pray to God for strength for you and your children. Praying to have your H change won't work. He'll only change if he wants to and it doesn't sound like that is going to happen anytime soon.

Can he see your kids somewhere neutral? Like a restaurant or a park? I can understand not wanting your kids to go to his house. But the kids need to see their dad. They need to see what he is really like. It is so tough that a child has to go through this. All you can do is assure your children that they are loved and that their daddy loves them too, he is just going through a tough time now and can't always show it.
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