New to board, here's my story so far...
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 10-20-2011, 10:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New to board, here's my story so far...

My soon to be ex and I met almost 8 years ago online. We courted for 10 months and I decided to move 1700 miles for him and other reasons. I was 24, he was 29. We have always had a rocky relationship. We broke up 1.5 yrs after we were together because his stress and pessimism were bringing me down. I am a rather optimistic woman. We worked things out, but he reminded me that he is the way he is, which I have tried to understand and respect. We get engaged soon after that and got married a year later, almost to the day that I moved here. We argued a lot the first year we were married and I have initiated 3 more splits since the first one. The second to last split was in August when I told him that I don't think I can "handle" his issues any more. He was shocked, but wanted to stay amicable and after a week of talking we worked things out again. It's been a month and a half and I decided 2 days ago that this really isn't going to work out. I have grown so much in the past 8 years, and he remains stagnant. He does not want to buy a home, have another child (we have a 15 yr old stepson) and his personality is overwhelming to the point that it's making me sick mentally. He is only 5 yrs older than I, but he acts like he is 60 and I am 31 and feel really alive. He doesn't compliment me, or tell me I'm beautiful, things I've argued with him about, he knows he doesn't do this, and says he can't, but it's more like a won't. I have been getting compliments from other men, and it's starting to feel really good, and it's tempting.

I have realized that I haven't been "in love" with him for a while. I got back with him every time because he was stable and had most of the responsible qualities a marriage minded woman looks for and loneliness. I have compromised A LOT of my life for him, and he acknowledged that he didn't. He knows it is what it is, and we have decided to stay amicable and follow the plan that we were going to follow this past August: we have agreed on what assets to take, I will be buying the divorce kit, which isn't much since this is a no contest divorce.

I am ready to move on, although it's really hard not to feel pain, I never intended to get a divorce, but it's time him and I both move on. Thanks for listening, if I've left anything out, let me know and I will divulge what I can.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: New to board, here's my story so far...

Have you considered counseling together? Its tough when two peoples goals diverge but marriage is about growing together. Did he attempt any changes before you reconciled after your last reconciliation?
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Old 10-20-2011, 02:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: New to board, here's my story so far...

As we all know there are always two sides to every story, but I will say this: marriage is about forming a union, and that union by definition requires compromise to meld and integrate both parties aspirations, goals, boundaries, and personalities.

If only one party is willing then the union will fail. And it is about "will", everyone has the ability to take the other person's wants/needs into consideration, only their own tunnel vision, pride, and selfishness prevents it.

You can try counseling IF you really do have love for him. However, if the love isn't there, and he is more just a security blanket then be strong and do what you have to do. God willing, you have 2/3 of your life left; don't waste it.
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Old 10-21-2011, 08:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: New to board, here's my story so far...

He would not do counselling and after the August split I suggested he get on some antidepressants. He refused. He has had ample time to appreciate me more, but it's just too late. I have not been in love with him for some time, and not happy being in this marriage. He says that he can't change, and I tell him he shouldn't have to, that there is a woman out there that is going to be different and fit him better.

We had a more in depth talk about it last night, and we just want to be happy for each other, even if that means moving on. We have always been great friends, and it hurts that I'm hurting him. I feel so much guilt, but I know what the reality is.
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