So I typed out a really long post twice and lost it both times when it refused to send. So I'm just going to keep it short this time and add details as people ask for them I guess.
Long story short then - my husband lost his job here in January for reasons I am not 100% sure of. All I really know is he was fired and he denies whatever it is they accused him of having done. Although my BIL told me it was due to a sexual harassment claim by a coworker. Husband denies this. He got another, actually better, job not long after but in another city about 3 hours away from here. At the time we (really HE) decided I would stay here until summer giving me time to find a job there and him to find us a nice apartment. Also at the time I was recovering from a major medical crisis that had really seriously stressed him out. I think I needed more from him during that time than he was capable of giving me.
So I was supposed to be moving in with him this month, and he tells me he likes the status quo and wants to continue what we've been doing - living 3 hours apart and only seeing each other on weekends which has become nothing more than eating out and sex. He won't tell me why he doesn't want to live together anymore except that he finds it less stressful living alone. I've been looking forward to getting back together full time and finding out that he basically only wants a part time wife really hurts. He did state that he still loves me and doesn't want a divorce. He just can't cope with his new job and a full time marriage right now. He says lots of people do it and it's no big deal. But it is to me, I didn't sign on for a part time, long distance marriage.
On top of this he is no longer direct depositing his paycheck into our joint account and due to a major difference in our income (he makes 80k a year and I make less than $20k) that means he is living well and I am struggling just to pay the rent. Fortunately we don't have kids although maybe if we had we never would have decided to live apart temporarily to begin with.
My MIL recently informed me that my husband's ex wife is back in the area and she's now divorced from husband #2. My husband always talks about how much he hates her but MIL says she thinks he's never really stopped having feelings for her. I just can't help but wonder if he's deliberately keeping me at arms length while exploring the idea of restarting his relationship with her.
A friend of mine is a member here and says she's gotten some really good advice. So I'm really hoping you folks can help me too.
Omg.... tell him to stuff it. Then quit talking to him at all and file for divorce. You know you don't want to be married part-time. He's not being open, honest or supportive. Screw that.
My advice: your husband is using you. The minute he finds another woman to take care of him and give him better sex, you're gone.
Don't wait for that.
Divorce him. File now.
You can always stop the process.
He's keeping you away because he wants time to search for other women. He's likely found one or has one in mind.
One thing is for sure: he doesn't live you like he should.
Please file. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't want to end it without trying to fix it! I've loved him pretty much since I met him and he's the only man I've ever been with intimately. I'm not the most desirable woman in the world due to health issues plus I can't have kids, but he loved me despite my problems. Now it's almost like after all our time together he's decided he suddenly can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to lose him and I'm so afraid that if I do I'll never find someone else who is willing to take a chance on me.
I've been reading up on the 180 at my friends suggestion but how do you build an attractive life of your own when your health is so poor that it's all you can do to hold down a part time job? And even that I've been calling in sick so much lately I'm probably going to end up getting fired sooner or later.
Do you go to your husbands place on these weekend visits? or does he only come to you?
Does he not give you any money to help you out,seeing as you are married and it is his choice to have a second place? Of not he should be.
It sounds like he has left the marriage and won't be back, he could just be seeing you to keep from feeling guilty about his newfound single life. I would have to tell him that we either live together like man and wife or get a divorce. He has moved on and you need to find the strength to move on too.
Your fear is going to make you a doormat. This idea that no other man would want you is just that, fear. He wants sex with you every weekend. So will other men find you attractive. As I said, file. You CANNOT work on a marriage without being together. What he has is a separation, except he gets to bang you on the side. He leaves you in limbo while he makes his mind up on other things.
You need to file. He will either shape up or he will leave. Either one should be ok with you.
Doing nothing out of fear? Guaranteed divorce, and long term anguish as he finds his new, exciting woman elsewhere--- if he hasbt already.
Don't be a chump. Talk to an attorney. You're getting played. Posted via Mobile Device
He comes up here on weekends. His parents and his brother live near me so he makes a point of seeing them as well.
He doesn't give me money for rent or anything but he does spend money on me while he is here, like he will take me out to buy groceries. He does pay the car insurance and the credit card bill since they are joint accounts. But if we don't move back in together I am probably going to have to move in with my parents or else get a roommate because I have almost nothing left after rent and utilities.
This is the big issue to me. Marriages have survived long distance phases, but in those cases there was true partnership and the travelling spouse didn't leave the at home spouse without money!
What does he say when you tell him you can't keep up with the bills for the house by yourself? What does he say when you tell him you don't like the arrangement and want to move where he is? If you can't communicate about things like this, your marriage has much bigger problems than long-distance.
So no one has any advice for me on how to at least try to fix this? You really think I should give up on a 12 year marriage because we've been having problems for 5 months? I'm seriously willing to do whatever it takes to get our relationship back on track. Should I just accept that he can't cope with my health issues full time and that this long distance relationship is how it's going to be for now? Or maybe I should try insisting that I move down there with him and see how he reacts?
I do think he probably does believe this situation is totally acceptable, because his parents did this for several years when he was a kid. His dad got transferred to another city and he and his mom and his brother stayed behind because they didn't want to take the boys out of their really good school district. His dad came home on weekends and they did this for something like 5 years before his dad got transferred back. His parents are still married over 40 years now.
I do think he probably does believe this situation is totally acceptable, because his parents did this for several years when he was a kid. His dad got transferred to another city and he and his mom and his brother stayed behind because they didn't want to take the boys out of their really good school district. His dad came home on weekends and they did this for something like 5 years before his dad got transferred back. His parents are still married over 40 years now.
My parents did this as well when I was young. My dad would only come home on the weekends, and then he would only really want to work in his garden and take care of the farm. Needless to say we did not have a great relationship. And my parents eventually divorced.
Do you all communicate at all during the week? Does he take the time to at least connect or keep in contact? The reason I say that is a lot of guys can be judged by their actions. If he is not making any effort outside of the weekends, it pretty much tells how he is thinking about you the rest of the time.
As others have mentioned, don't stay with him out of fear of not being in a relationship. Sure it is nice to have someone to be with, but if they are not there, are you really in a relationship? There are other men in the world.
You need to sit him down on the weekend and really have a talk. Don't accept vague answers, allow him to deflect the conversation from the topic, or allow him to gloss over the situation with some excuse. Either he wants you to be with him in the new city or he doesn't. Sure it will be hard, but much better to have it out in the open.
He is running away from his responsibilities to you. You putting your head in the sand is not helping. Tell him that living apart is messing with your self esteem, self worth, finances and most of all your marriage.
Be bloody honest with him. If he doesn't care about making you feel safe, then whether you are fearful, or not ready; he is pretty much gone from the marriage and you will end up alone anyway.
He takes you on "dates" when he comes to "visit?" That is not a marriage.
He lost his job for sexual harassment, and now he has moved 3 hours away and is no longer contributing to your finances so the two of you can live on 50% of your combined finances.
Have you discussed this with him? What was his response? If you are going to live like you are single, you might as well BE single and at least be free to meet someone who loves you, isn't chasing other women.
I'm sorry your husband's true colors took 12 years to show. Don't stay because of 12 years of marriage. He is probably going to divorce you when he finds a replacement for you anyway, so you will have wasted 13, 14 or more years. Quit while it is just 12.
OP, I appreciate that you want to try and fix the marriage, however the more you beg, plead, and show desperation, the more cloying you will become... and he will want to push you away all the more.
If he's behaving like he doesn't want YOUR definition of marriage and cohabitation, and loves the meager status quo, then BELIEVE him and don't waste another calorie trying to beg him back.
You are married and your husband lets you struggle to pay the rent? Are yous serious. That is not a marriage. He is treating you like a mistress. You need to get out of this relationship. If I were you I would move in with your folks until you can find another job. I'm sorry OP but what you have is not a marriage anymore.
I am not saying give up totally. I'm saying to file. Otherwise you are letting your husband treat you like less than a wife. He has decided he no longer has a wife. He DOES NOT live with you.
Filing and showing him there are consequences to throwing you away, and showing him the possibility he will lose you IS YOUR ONLY chance of fixing this.
If you allow this to continue, it will and only get worse.
I'm not telling you to divorce, I'm telling you to file. I do think there are things that you don't know that will likely lead to divorce, but filing will help on those, too.
You basically need to file so that YOU aren't the only person working on this marriage.
You'll get all kinds of suggestions. Taking action is what is effective, I'm my opinion.
Don't see filing as giving up. See it as the only option you are left with that serves a logical purpose. Posted via Mobile Device
My guess is that he's seeing other women. Just a hunch though. Hope not.
I'm with Evinrude on this one. File for D. After that, no begging or pleading. Call up your H and tell him that you're married, and you can live like it, or you can be single, and live the lives of single people.
I don't think any other methods will be as likely to succeed, if your M can be salvaged.
"I don't want to end it without trying to fix it!"
You can't fix that which isn't yours to fix. It's your husband who decided he didn't want a full-time wife. His problem to fix.
Do not beg, plead or cajole. You will only wind up looking pathetic in his eyes. Stop the sex. He doesn't act like a husband so he doesn't get to enjoy the benefits of being a husband.
If you can't afford an attorney, you can call around for free consultations. Or you can call the county clerk's office and find out the cost to file. You can file the first paperwork on your own, which gives him time to respond and gets the ball rolling. You can stop this process at any time.
Fear of the unknown is understandable. But, you are pretty much living single now... so not much would actually change.
And just to validate E's post further, I was devastated when my wife wanted to divorce...and I discovered that I was stronger than I ever dreamed, and it was all for the best.
So in answer to ? 1 he said my chronic health issues were stressing him out to the point that he couldn't cope anymore. He couldn't sleep because I was always tossing and turning and in a lot of pain some nights and making too much noise because of it. Apartment is too messy because I don't feel good enough a lot of the time to deal with it. I never want to go anywhere because I don't know when I might get sick. He says the 2 days/2 nights a week when he doesn't have to go to work the next day is as much as he can deal with. All of which I have to admit I totally understand.
#2 Why he got fired it was my BIL who told me it was sexual harassment in the form of inappropriate comments. Husband says it was all a misunderstanding and that both the woman and the management over reacted.
#3 and 4 I can't imagine him cheating. His ex wife cheated on him and he hates her for it and has always said how little use he has for cheaters. He thinks they are the lowest of the low. So I just don't see him turning around and engaging in that type of behavior himself.
Last night was terrible though. My car broke down on the way home from work and I had no one to come and get me. I ended up having to spend money I don't have for a tow truck and a taxi home. I guess I'm going to have to have a serious talk with him this weekend if only about the money problems. Especially since my doctors are telling me I may end up on disability soon.
So in answer to ? 1 he said my chronic health issues were stressing him out to the point that he couldn't cope anymore. He couldn't sleep because I was always tossing and turning and in a lot of pain some nights and making too much noise because of it. Apartment is too messy because I don't feel good enough a lot of the time to deal with it. I never want to go anywhere because I don't know when I might get sick. He says the 2 days/2 nights a week when he doesn't have to go to work the next day is as much as he can deal with. All of which I have to admit I totally understand.
Sounds to me like he never really loved you. Very selfish man.
#2 Why he got fired it was my BIL who told me it was sexual harassment in the form of inappropriate comments. Husband says it was all a misunderstanding and that both the woman and the management over reacted.
#3 and 4 I can't imagine him cheating. His ex wife cheated on him and he hates her for it and has always said how little use he has for cheaters. He thinks they are the lowest of the low. So I just don't see him turning around and engaging in that type of behavior himself.
My bil used to say the same thing . . . until he cheated.
Beware loudmouths on cheating.
Last night was terrible though. My car broke down on the way home from work and I had no one to come and get me. I ended up having to spend money I don't have for a tow truck and a taxi home. I guess I'm going to have to have a serious talk with him this weekend if only about the money problems. Especially since my doctors are telling me I may end up on disability soon.
He is not care giver material. It's hard to care for another. Not everyone can do this.
Yes, you need to hold him accountable monetarily. If your illness is just an excuse. He will fight giving you money because he wants it to build a new life for himself and your replacement.
What people say and what they do is very different. However, if the man can't sleep because you're all over the place in bed and such, that is rough.
What's the chronic illness? Curable?
It does sound like you're a handful. But he can sleep on the other room. Not another town. A person that loves you wants to be with you.
You are seeing your faults. You're not seeing his. Posted via Mobile Device
Of course nobody's telling you to stay with this man. Look at what he's doing with the money. He has a legal obligation to support you, and he is not doing it.
If you want to know where someone's priority lies, look at where their time and their money are going. Neither of those are going to you.
I''m echoing the others. Yes, chronic health issues can be difficult for a spouse to deal with...but he could sleep in another room, etc.
How did it feel to have your car break down, with no spouse nearby to come to your aid? Does that feel like a good marriage?
I never felt so lonely as I did sitting in the E.R. with my elderly mom (congestive heart failure) and having my calls to my wife go straight to voice mail. She was in another state, on business, as she was 80% of the time.
Just think about it.
He's not engaged any longer and it shows in his actions.
Like the others, I am very leery of his excuses for his situation as well.
So I called my husband today and told him about my car which needs almost $1500 in repairs. I can't fix the car and pay the rent this month. I told him he would need to pay for one or the other and he told me I should give up the apartment and move in with my parents because he can't afford to pay my rent and his. I suggested once again that I simply move in with him and he said that wasn't an option because he insists his new place isn't big enough for two people which is true because it's a small studio apartment. But if I didn't have to pay rent on my place we could combine our income and get someplace bigger quite easily.
Well, he finally broke down and told me the truth. He's already lost the new job. Seems he didn't tell them the truth up front about why he lost the last job and they found out and fired him for dishonesty. So he's living in a tiny dumpy apartment while he hunts for another position. He didn't want me to know he'd lost two jobs in less than 4 months. It would seem he hasn't told his family either. So I told him why not just move back up here we'll find a cheap place together and he'll have a better chance to find another job here because it's a bigger city. But he says his professional reputation is so destroyed locally that he figures he won't get another decent job unless he leaves the area completely - maybe even the state.
In the end we got nowhere except he's going to stay where he is for now and job hunt and I'm going to give up my apartment, sell my car, and find another place on the same bus route as my workplace and learn to cope with public transportation for the first time since I graduated from college. He says we can revisit the situation once he finds another job.
I get where he's coming from, I really do. But I hate that he is the one making all the decisions and not letting me have any say in anything. Maybe it's because he's almost a decade older than me and because he's had to be my caregiver several times over the years but he treats me like a child and I'm really getting sick of it. I'm in my mid 30s and honestly I think I'm more mature than he is not less.
I'm starting to even wonder if I want to stay with him. What kind of man hides it from his wife that he got fired twice in a matter of just a few months? And he still denies any wrongdoing at the first place...
BTW Evinrude I have Lyme disease, IBS, PCOS, thyroid disease, frequently recurring kidney stones, and mitral valve prolapse. So I'm basically a walking medical disaster. And yes, every single one of those conditions has been officially diagnosed. I've been fighting for disability for over 2 years now and I'm just hoping it comes through before I lose MY job for calling in sick too often.
You have to be there for him now that you know the truth. He didn't handle losing two jobs very well. He blamed his leaving on you to hide the fact that he lost two jobs in such a short time. He is probably feeling depressed. He will not want to come back to your town due to shame. Keep talking to him. Move in with your parents if they will take you.
Money problems destroy marriages too. You need to communicate and observe him more. If he is in his 40's, he may be going through midlife. Problems are magnified for some midlifers at this time in their lives.
I am so glad he wasn't cheating. That would have hurt you like crazy. I hope you guys make it out of this monetary rut.
I am so sorry that all these things have happened to you. I don't know why he doesn't want to live with you. I don't care how small the apartment is, it wouldn't matter to me.
But, I hope you can work this out and be happy. Posted via Mobile Device
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