Wife left my girls and me for a coworker - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-08-2016, 12:57 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

As some suggested, you can hook up or just go out when you have the need for some company.

Your panic attacks can be fixed with anti-anxiety meds. Visit your doctor and let him know what you are going through. He will know exactly what to prescribe. Many of us going through what you are dealing with needed meds to take the edge off and function a bit better. It's temporary. Once your world is more normal, you will not need meds to cope.

Seek help from an IC as well. I know you said you can't afford it, so you probably need to get a hold of some good books. @turnera has given a few great titles.

Your emotions are normal regardless of how $hitty they make you feel. You gotta go through this; sadly, there are no short cuts


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #137 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-08-2016, 12:58 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the words of wisdom , I do ask myself that question on why I put up with it for 10years and I always get the same answer I love her or at least the image I had of her, even though she is no longer the same person. I stayed because I never wanted my girls to go thru the pain of divorce. I lost my mother at the age of 12 to cancer and it was really hard to not have both parents, I always imagined growing old together and having a happy family. I guess that's what gets me down the most I feel like I failed my girls and seeing them sad and crying some days just breaks me down and to top it off she don't care about her daughters feelings all she would say is they'll be OK they'll get over it . when they see me happy they'll be happy. I got over it when I was little and it didn't affect me one bit. This guy doesn't even seem worth it to be honest, he probably just tells her what she wants to hear, maybe its the fact that he might be better looking than me. Its just gotten to the point where my self esteem is really low.

Just have to put in my two cents. I lived through something similar to this a few years ago, feel free to read my previous posts. I too was left by the person I loved more than anything in the world (at that time), I felt like a tornado whipped through my life and destroyed everything I cared about. My partner turned into an enemy and I was helpless to stop any of it. Much of what you write, tells my story as well. I was with mine for ten years too and like your wife, mine became a completely different person also. And like you, I considered that marriage to be forever and believed we would grow old together. The loss of this dream was unbearably heartbreaking for me when I went through it.

Unlike you, I did not have children with this person. I can only imagine how much harder that makes this situation; on the other hand, having your daughters to focus on might actually help you move forward.

I've moved on with my life and am remarried now. My new W and I have our share of problems but we are moving forward and things now are very good, even when things with my new W were rocky they still were better than before, because I found my voice and will not let myself be pushed around and used again. We live and we learn and we do better next time. This pain will ease, and you will find someone better for yourself and your children.

All the best to you and your girls. They are lucky to have you.
Thanks for your comments it gives me hope and hopefully one day i will meet that wonderful woman. I do feel lucky to have my girls but i live in constant fear that my girls will be taken from me as courts are blind and tend to favor the mother. I also fear her taking them to live with her new lover i mean i doubt this guys as good as she says if he was honest he would. Of never got involved with a married woman i dont know what type of person he is . i hope that when i divorce her and if i get custody that this guy will leave her when he finds out hes going to be responsible for her now, i wonder if they'll actually be able to trust each other knowing what there doing... I think you probably had it easier with no kids as i hate having them go through this. It would of been much easier for me without kids, because. Theres nothing to tie you together.
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post #138 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-08-2016, 01:00 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

I've never been through what you are going through, Tomas, but I have been through heart breaks before after LTRs. I learned to compartmentalize my thoughts. I would keep my mind occupied on other things as much as possible, and when I felt the pain I would get extremely busy with something that would take my mind elsewhere. I also learned, with practice, to set aside a time each day (sometimes 5 minutes, sometimes up to 20 minutes) where I would actually allow myself to wallow in self-pity, and cry, pray, or even take out some frustration on an inanimate object (LOL!). That's how I learned to control my emotions better, because I used to be (and still am to some degree) a volatile and emotional person.

It will take a while, believe me, but you WILL get through this. Don't let the good memories of her outweigh the bad in your thoughts. Changing your environment is a good idea, and will likely speed up the process, but you will need to compartmentalize your thoughts and emotions. Anytime a "good" memory about her invades your thoughts, replace it with a "bad" memory. It's hard to do but can be done. It worked for me.

You idealized what your marriage would be, but you just married the WRONG person. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the pain go away for you quicker. It's going to take some time for sure, but it will get easier, and eventually will make you think "Why did I put up with this woman and her crap for that long? I should've ended that marriage much earlier."

Getting out of the house and meeting other people is always a good idea. I don't think you are ready for dating yet. Having a friend with benefits can be helpful for sure, only IF you can control your emotions enough to not fall in love. Falling in love with somebody right now would DEFINITELY not be the thing to do because it would be unfair to you and her in the long term.

Last edited by Luvher4life; 06-08-2016 at 01:06 PM.
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post #139 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 11:44 AM Thread Starter
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So yesterday i finally filed for divorce and today i have another meeting with my lawyer to file for custody of my girls. But why dont i feel good about it, i woke up feeling down and worse than ever, im going to be honest theirs days where i feel ok and motivated but theres days like today that i cant see the light
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post #140 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 11:59 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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So yesterday i finally filed for divorce and today i have another meeting with my lawyer to file for custody of my girls. But why dont i feel good about it, i woke up feeling down and worse than ever, im going to be honest theirs days where i feel ok and motivated but theres days like today that i cant see the light
You aren't happy about it because justified or not, you are still closing the doors on a chapter of your life that I'm sure includes some of the happiest moments of your memory. Not to mention that this is also closing the doors on a great many years of your life. its like spending Years restoring an old classic car and then selling it. you look at it and realize the bond because of the time and energy you put into it and you realize that it was all for not.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #141 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

Tomas, you showed strength. Keep it up. It will never feel good-- anything about this whole deal. But YOU are doing the right thing and YOU will feel better. It takes time. Zoloft. You should get it. Please. It helped me. I didn't stay on it but about two months or less. Highly recommend it.
Kudos on the filing. Best for all involved. Really.
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post #142 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 12:26 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Originally Posted by Tomas View Post
So yesterday i finally filed for divorce and today i have another meeting with my lawyer to file for custody of my girls. But why dont i feel good about it, i woke up feeling down and worse than ever, im going to be honest theirs days where i feel ok and motivated but theres days like today that i cant see the light
Hang in there man. It's a long and rough road. Just keep your head up, focus on your kids and your life, and keep motoring forward. Make sure to eat well, sleep, get lots of exercise and spend as much time with the kids as you can.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #143 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
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So yesterday i finally filed for divorce and today i have another meeting with my lawyer to file for custody of my girls. But why dont i feel good about it, i woke up feeling down and worse than ever, im going to be honest theirs days where i feel ok and motivated but theres days like today that i cant see the light
Hang in there man. It's a long and rough road. Just keep your head up, focus on your kids and your life, and keep motoring forward. Make sure to eat well, sleep, get lots of exercise and spend as much time with the kids as you can.
Thanks man i have started lifiting weights and running for these past few days but i have to admit its hard to find the energy and motivation. My motivation is like a rollercoaster it has its ups and downs. I guess the biggest downer for me is that she's happy and careless about everything . she doesnt have any responsibility with her girls and shows no remorse and seems to care more about her new man then her own girls. Im going to get in shape to see if i can get my self esteem up as at the moment i feel like i have none she made me feel so unattractive and its making it hard to think any other woman would actually be interested in me.
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post #144 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

Cheating wives ALL act carefree (they are), they all ignore their kids, have zero loyalty to their family, ignore your pain, etc.

But, use this carefree attitude to your advantage while it lasts. When the bills start coming in, the dishes need washing, and the drier breaks and the car needs repairing--
OM will look like what he is and the shot will hit the fan. Then she will want 99% of what you have, and what you're ever gonna have.

Believe me--- she will not be "carefree" forever. She's living in. Dream world. The real world will wake her up. She hasn't caught that rich guy that solves all her problems yet.

Take care of your kids. Work through the pain. It will well up on some days. The good days will get more frequent as time goes by.

Her good days are coming to and end when you divorce and reality hits.
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post #145 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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So its done filed for custody of my girls and divorce. Never thought i would be in this situation

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post #146 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 10:25 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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So its done filed for custody of my girls and divorce. Never thought i would be in this situation
If it's any consolation, most of us didn't either.

Life goes on Tomas, and life gets better too.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #147 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 10:40 PM Thread Starter
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So its done filed for custody of my girls and divorce. Never thought i would be in this situation
If it's any consolation, most of us didn't either.

Life goes on Tomas, and life gets better too.
Yeah i guess its just scary . this has been hard handling everything by myself and not knowing what new challenges the world has for me, it sucks the mother doesn't even show much interest for our daughters, she rather spend time with her AP. It seems its easier for a single mother or wife thats messing around to find someone than a single father. I guess all i have left is to work on myself and hope to one day be lucky enough to find a woman that will accept me and my girls.
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post #148 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 11:27 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Yeah i guess its just scary . this has been hard handling everything by myself and not knowing what new challenges the world has for me, it sucks the mother doesn't even show much interest for our daughters, she rather spend time with her AP. It seems its easier for a single mother or wife thats messing around to find someone than a single father. I guess all i have left is to work on myself and hope to one day be lucky enough to find a woman that will accept me and my girls.
You are going to do great. You are going to meet a very nice woman, one who will love your daughters. And your ex will eventually get out of the fog and renew her relationship with her girls.

Believe in yourself, Tomas, and believe in the future. It is going to be good, because you are good.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #149 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 08:26 AM Thread Starter
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So i havent had contact with the stbxw for over a month,however every tuesday when she comes to pick up the girls for a few hrs. i see her and i fall apart, i dont talk to her and only see her when i answer the door, do you think my trying to avoid her is making it harder to let go. Is my mind playing tricks on me , when i dont see her during the week for the most part im good. Should i try to engage in small talk to see how it feels .she has tried to do it but i totally give her the f -off attitude. What should i do?
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post #150 of 426 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 09:05 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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So i havent had contact with the stbxw for over a month,however every tuesday when she comes to pick up the girls for a few hrs. i see her and i fall apart, i dont talk to her and only see her when i answer the door, do you think my trying to avoid her is making it harder to let go. Is my mind playing tricks on me , when i dont see her during the week for the most part im good. Should i try to engage in small talk to see how it feels .she has tried to do it but i totally give her the f -off attitude. What should i do?
Keep giving her the f-off attitude.

Business only with her.
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