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post #376 of 437 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Originally Posted by Tomas View Post
You are right as usual Chuck, everything you say about her on what she did and what she is already doing again, it's like your reading my life story. I'm no longer worrying so much about what she's doing..I pretty much know how she's going to end up, I hope I'm wrong. For my girls sake, I hope she does good in life. But I just know she's going to need my help down the road. Her whole family is a mess, I just don't know if I should help when the time comes. I just hate that I have too because I always feel bad for my girls.

At this point I'm more worried about myself now. I do feel like I'm in a sort of depression. I don't have much friends because I was always dedicated to my family. I mean I don't even know what i like doing anymore.. sometimes I feel happy and excited about a new start, but don't know where to begin, theirs times where I'm eating at restaurant or out some other place and I meet some interesting woman and just feel like asking them out, not on a romantic date but more like hey ! Want to go out and do something fun...like an amusement park or something like that. Somewhere where I can have fun... Where I can have a good old laugh.. lol. I haven't had one in a while that I forgot what it's like. But, then again I wouldn't even know how to act or be ..I don't even remember the old me. I know someone on here will tell me, you need to spend time by yourself first..but I feel like I've been alone for years.. I don't know I just need to figure out how to crawl out of this depression
Like Bon Jovi sang in 1989 -we're together but alone- I completely get that.

You can have fun with 1-alone, 2-your girls, 3-a female, 4-the guys. It's easy but you are now "out of

your comfort zone." This is very common. Tomas.... What are your hobbies?

On the depression... I've had it, I had it bad as a teen too but I have always felt part of it was due

to my medication, tegretal. It was not classified as a depressant but by sheet it

gave me more blues than Muddy Waters. Talk to your doctor and be honest with him / her.

If you don't have health coverage, go to the local health department. Depression can get a grip

on you and it will not let go... been there. About your STBXW... I know part of you will always

love her. I GET that... he!! I still love "who my XW WAS".... I care zero for who she turned into.

Your STBXW has issues, her family has issues, that is NOT your problem. I asked myself the EXACT

question right around my D. I think it was in my first post of Crossroads II. My XW needed help and I

said I do hope she seeks that help out. But she is an adult and knows how to seek it. And she is NOT

my responsibility any longer. Tomas... your STBX poor mouths you on her family, her own issues,

the kids, etc etc etc... she's trying to pull your wanker more than a Roman bath house on dime

bear night. LET HER OWN IT. That is the ONLY way she can ever recover. She never believed you

would follow through with the D because you probably threatened leaving her in the past.

Remember the fable about the boy who cried wolf? When you become serious about your

actions and follow through.... she will then, take you seriously. And respect you a LOT more.


Last edited by Chuck71; 04-05-2017 at 12:37 PM. Reason: misworded
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post #377 of 437 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

Tomas it is ok to feel the way you do and to feel miserable. It will pass. Just don't let her know you are miserable. When she is around act happy, aloof and enthusiastic. Do the 180 with a vengeance.
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post #378 of 437 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:44 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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This woman is giving me headaches, sometimes I feel like slapping some sense into her.she is so frustrating it's amazing how she has the ability to change any situation into its your fault I did it! Just last night when we were talking she threw it in my face it's your fault I went with someone else, you should of paid more attention to me, bought me flowers, left me love notes,suprise gifts, a kiss on the forehead, tell me how beautiful I am everyday! It's like she turned everything on me! I told her if I recall your the one that use to put me down and as usual she denied it. God, I think this woman does have mental problems . I told her if I'm that bad guy then why in the hell are you trying to get back with me! I'm sorry Its just that now most of the time I think about the way she thinks it gets me so angry
There's an acronym for it.

That acronym is DARVO
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post #379 of 437 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender."
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post #380 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 04:06 PM Thread Starter
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Granted she robbed you of who you were but.... you allowed her to do that. It's so damn

easy to lose yourself in a LTR or M. You stop having a couple beers with the guys, stop watching

your fav sports team, your hobbies, etc. And it's not like she asked you to stop, you "just do."

You lost who you were, your identity, what makes Tomas... Tomas. The Tomas that is attractive

to other women. But hey... many men do this... and he!!... at first, it seems like a good

idea! Most men can not pinpoint where this becomes more negative than positive.

Most are oblivious until she has lost the respect of her SO. By then... the sheet's about to

hit the fan or already has.

Example... I am almost certain I went through a period of depression spanning about 12-18 months. I was never diagnosed but... I knew. I pretty much lost who I was, my focus, my edge. Bet the farm my XW noticed it. One of my passions is... fooling with baseball cards. I have fooled with them for the better part of 35+ years.

Some people golf, others run a line up their nose... this is my rush. I even stopped that during not only the 12-18 month span but awhile before too. Longtime male friends who I trade with... noticed. He!! a BFF female friend did... what's that say?! Communication between the W and I was very poor, call it mutual standoffs. She retreated to her corner of the house with her family size bag of chips and salt containers and her dogs....and I to the other with my laptop and Scotch.

It wasn't all bad.... that's when I started writing novels. Some escape into a bottle, I guess I escaped into my characters in the books. The main character in the first book of my trilogy was ages 15-19. Ahhh... I went back in time I guess. Granted... W and I had some really great moments the last year we were M... just not like in the past.

I felt I was starting to climb out of that hole in May '12. Roughly five months later.... my DDay. Did it still hurt... oh yeah...a lot. But I was able to angle myself better going in. Reason I was ready to grieve, drop down the rabbit hole so quick and come out as quick. A few weeks after coming out of that dark place, I stepped into the light.... and that was pretty much, "all she wrote."

She wanted us to go out, talk, wanted us to R but never flat out said it (wanted me to take the lead after she crapped all over the bed sheets), tried to pull me back in every way imaginable. I never looked back. Doesn't mean she didn't try again... the next year ('14), and in '15, '16, '17.

Tomas... what I'm saying is.... after the D is final, she will most likely move on to another guy. They will be short lived. Every time they end... she will make a play on you. If she is still in a dead end LTR, she may contact you then too. She has an advantage.... the kids. You HAVE to talk to her and as you can see, she will play with your emotions, through the kids. You have 5-8 more years of her to deal with..... LOL. When your girls are 14-15, they will deal with their mom directly. And then... Tomas, you will be "free."

Don't feel bad Tomas... most disordered women are great in bed... they have to be to hide all those red flags. Course you had no idea you signed up for the BSC too. You by no means.... are alone.[/QUOTE]

So it's been a couple of weeks and I've been analyzing myself. Seeing what makes me happy and I've realized that through all these years I did loose myself and completely forgot what I enjoyed doing. Your right Chuck she lost respect and the attraction she felt for me because I lost myself. I did notice that when she sees I'm doing good it grabs her attention right away. If she sees I'm happy she will ask what are you smiling about so much. I'll just answer with what I can't be happy. I guess it catches her of guard and she's not use to seeing me that way. Anyways I come to realize that she's the one that made me unhappy always scared of making her unhappy or trying my hardest to live up to her expectations and her not valuing anything about me. Instead putting me down with the I don't find you attractive or your boring b.s.

Well I've been working out and it's starting to feel good, I've been having fun with my girls and it feels good it's like I'm learning to enjoy myself again. My daughter have even told me that their mom is boring and never does anything fun with them. She tells me I'm tired of asking her to do stuff with us,she always makes excuses not to do anything. If were at the park she just sits and reads her books. I'm not going to lie but it does make me feel good that they have fun with me. Past week ago I went on a urban exploration with a nephew of mine we had a blast. It felt good to do something I like doing. However I still feel that I can't be myself around females I guess I'm scared of being myself and being judged or something like that, I guess I owe that to my stbxw and as usual she starting to put me down again but I learned to ignore her and give her the I don't give a crap what you think, she thinks I don't see that she's trying to hold me down so I can be a back up.
Anyways I've kept myself from women partly because I wanted to try and find out the things I like doing and just learn to be myself and laugh. Here's the thing theirs been this female friend that I met a couple months ago and she always tries to find a way to ask me out somewhere or use anything to try and give me hints she wants me to take her out. We just for now talk on the phone and text, she always laughs at the things I say and always happy to hear from me as she knows what I'm going through and I've made it clear that I'm not ready or looking for a relationship. She says she understands and to be honest she's even hinted towards a friends with benefits thing. What do you think should I go for it? Will it help me move on quicker. I have been honest with her and says she understands and says she had just likes how I am and thinks it will benefit us both as she also doesn't go out much.
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post #381 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomas View Post
You are right as usual Chuck, everything you say about her on what she did and what she is already doing again, it's like your reading my life story. I'm no longer worrying so much about what she's doing..I pretty much know how she's going to end up, I hope I'm wrong. For my girls sake, I hope she does good in life. But I just know she's going to need my help down the road. Her whole family is a mess, I just don't know if I should help when the time comes. I just hate that I have too because I always feel bad for my girls.

At this point I'm more worried about myself now. I do feel like I'm in a sort of depression. I don't have much friends because I was always dedicated to my family. I mean I don't even know what i like doing anymore.. sometimes I feel happy and excited about a new start, but don't know where to begin, theirs times where I'm eating at restaurant or out some other place and I meet some interesting woman and just feel like asking them out, not on a romantic date but more like hey ! Want to go out and do something fun...like an amusement park or something like that. Somewhere where I can have fun... Where I can have a good old laugh.. lol. I haven't had one in a while that I forgot what it's like. But, then again I wouldn't even know how to act or be ..I don't even remember the old me. I know someone on here will tell me, you need to spend time by yourself first..but I feel like I've been alone for years.. I don't know I just need to figure out how to crawl out of this depression
Like Bon Jovi sang in 1989 -we're together but alone- I completely get that.

You can have fun with 1-alone, 2-your girls, 3-a female, 4-the guys. It's easy but you are now "out of

your comfort zone." This is very common. Tomas.... What are your hobbies?

On the depression... I've had it, I had it bad as a teen too but I have always felt part of it was due

to my medication, tegretal. It was not classified as a depressant but by sheet it

gave me more blues than Muddy Waters. Talk to your doctor and be honest with him / her.

If you don't have health coverage, go to the local health department. Depression can get a grip

on you and it will not let go... been there. About your STBXW... I know part of you will always

love her. I GET that... he!! I still love "who my XW WAS".... I care zero for who she turned into.

Your STBXW has issues, her family has issues, that is NOT your problem. I asked myself the EXACT

question right around my D. I think it was in my first post of Crossroads II. My XW needed help and I

said I do hope she seeks that help out. But she is an adult and knows how to seek it. And she is NOT

my responsibility any longer. Tomas... your STBX poor mouths you on her family, her own issues,

the kids, etc etc etc... she's trying to pull your wanker more than a Roman bath house on dime

bear night. LET HER OWN IT. That is the ONLY way she can ever recover. She never believed you

would follow through with the D because you probably threatened leaving her in the past.

Remember the fable about the boy who cried wolf? When you become serious about your

actions and follow through.... she will then, take you seriously. And respect you a LOT more.

So it's been a couple of weeks and I've been analyzing myself. Seeing what makes me happy and I've realized that through all these years I did loose myself and completely forgot what I enjoyed doing. Your right Chuck she lost respect and the attraction she felt for me because I lost myself. I did notice that when she sees I'm doing good it grabs her attention right away. If she sees I'm happy she will ask what are you smiling about so much. I'll just answer with what I can't be happy. I guess it catches her of guard and she's not use to seeing me that way. Anyways I come to realize that she's the one that made me unhappy always scared of making her unhappy or trying my hardest to live up to her expectations and her not valuing anything about me. Instead putting me down with the I don't find you attractive or your boring b.s.

Well I've been working out and it's starting to feel good, I've been having fun with my girls and it feels good it's like I'm learning to enjoy myself again. My daughter have even told me that their mom is boring and never does anything fun with them. She tells me I'm tired of asking her to do stuff with us,she always makes excuses not to do anything. If were at the park she just sits and reads her books. I'm not going to lie but it does make me feel good that they have fun with me. Past week ago I went on a urban exploration with a nephew of mine we had a blast. It felt good to do something I like doing. However I still feel that I can't be myself around females I guess I'm scared of being myself and being judged or something like that, I guess I owe that to my stbxw and as usual she starting to put me down again but I learned to ignore her and give her the I don't give a crap what you think, she thinks I don't see that she's trying to hold me down so I can be a back up.
Anyways I've kept myself from women partly because I wanted to try and find out the things I like doing and just learn to be myself and laugh. Here's the thing theirs been this female friend that I met a couple months ago and she always tries to find a way to ask me out somewhere or use anything to try and give me hints she wants me to take her out. We just for now talk on the phone and text, she always laughs at the things I say and always happy to hear from me as she knows what I'm going through and I've made it clear that I'm not ready or looking for a relationship. She says she understands and to be honest she's even hinted towards a friends with benefits thing. What do you think should I go for it? Will it help me move on quicker. I have been honest with her and says she understands and says she had just likes how I am and thinks it will benefit us both as she also doesn't go out much
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post #382 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

I would agree but ONLY if you don't see or have sex with or talk to her more than once a week. You know why.
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post #383 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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I would agree but ONLY if you don't see or have sex with or talk to her more than once a week. You know why.
Yeah I think I might need this. I thinking maybe the experience of being with someone else would help. As for the not seeing each other that much, she actually said it was a no pressure thing and said we could see each other only when we both had time.
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post #384 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

Yes, but do you know WHY to limit to once a week?
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post #385 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Yes, but do you know WHY to limit to once a week?
I'm thinking it's to keep me from getting attached to her and becoming dependant on her and repeating the whole thing over again as for her it's to keep her from getting attached. Was I right?

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post #386 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 06:52 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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I would agree but ONLY if you don't see or have sex with or talk to her more than once a week. You know why.
Twice a week on special occasions
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post #387 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 07:30 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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I'm thinking it's to keep me from getting attached to her and becoming dependant on her and repeating the whole thing over again as for her it's to keep her from getting attached. Was I right?
Yes. You are learning, grasshopper.

Casual dating for about six months before you start getting serious with anyone. Gives you time to see them in good situations and bad ones.
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post #388 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 07:32 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Twice a week on special occasions
But not twice a week EVERY week.
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post #389 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 08:44 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

If you like one, treat the. Like you like them. No rules for goodness sake. Just be mindful that it takes a couple of years to see a person's true self. Enjoy the honeymoon period of the relationship of you find one you think you really like. But remember not to make any permanent plans until it's been quite a while. I suggest 2.5 years.

Then again, I've gotten attached to the one I dated for a while after my ex. She was perfect the first 16 months, then I started seeing the real her. An exceptional woman, but difficult and sometimes selfish(aren't we all)

Just be careful
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post #390 of 437 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 09:08 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
If you like one, treat the. Like you like them. No rules for goodness sake. Just be mindful that it takes a couple of years to see a person's true self. Enjoy the honeymoon period of the relationship of you find one you think you really like. But remember not to make any permanent plans until it's been quite a while. I suggest 2.5 years.

Then again, I've gotten attached to the one I dated for a while after my ex. She was perfect the first 16 months, then I started seeing the real her. An exceptional woman, but difficult and sometimes selfish(aren't we all)

Just be careful
Evinrude, that's why I introduced the 'rule' you refer to - to not see each other more than once a week for at least a few months, so that you DON'T become emotionally attached and throw caution to the wind because it feels so good to keep seeing them more. That's those pesky PEA chemicals that keep people together for a year or three, so they can procreate (caveman stuff), and then the chemicals wear off, as you have experienced, and you're left wondering why you just wasted 16 months on someone who may not even be right for you.
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