So I was up until 3:00am guys thinking like I have for the past 3 months, thinking off all the stuff she blamed me for all the things she told me i didn't do, and I do have to admit some of them I could of improved in, maybe I did show my girls more attention than her. However I realize that is not a reason to cheat but an excuse to do so. I recalled her telling me before she left I know what I want and what I deserve and you can't give me it... And I will get it. Turns out her AP is a loser and really is not the guy she made him to be, he's not buying her a house anytime soon, or giving her all the luxuries she wanted, all he's doing is making her feel good and telling her what she wants to hear. I mean my stbxw is attractive. Back to my original point ,as I was thinking last night I recalled something that I had tried to forget in the beginning of our relationship and succeeded until last night. I have been blindly in love with this woman, as I believe in god and was so happy to find out she was pregnant and made a promise to god to never leave her and love her. Well what I recalled that her first job she had which was a about 1.5 yr into our relationship she cheated on me and confessed herself she had kissed a co worker about a month when she started working, she quit that job. I forgave her. About 2 yes later new job had a physical affair with co worker I caught her through text messages telling him I love you,she confessed and with. Fast forward a couple years caught her in a emotional affair with some guy from Facebook that lived somewhere in Dubai. This happened a year ago I forgave we decided to work it out, she started working in retail store a couple weeks later and now were hear again same problem a coworker physical affair. Now I think man I really love this woman or is it the love I have for my girls and my illusion of always trying to keep my family together. Wtf is wrong with me why did I deal with this crap for so long?
I might sound like I am missing the point. The truth is I cannot offer advice for most of your post, it is going to hurt horribly and you are going through an emotional ringer.
That emotional ringer will be worse if you are not sleeping properly.
Start some hard manly exercise - personal trainer if you can afford it, boxing, weights, MMA, the less you see it as you the better. You will learn how to reinvent yourself. You need to feel physically alive and wear yourself out.
Also, yoga. You need to relax, your tension will be unbearable.
Finally, try a meditation class. Ideally, keep looking until you find one that works for you.
This is a tough time and you have to make sure you are able to cope with it as best you can.
Sleep well, you have to be in top condition for your kids and yourself.