Wife left my girls and me for a coworker - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
Tomas,

Little exercise for you.

Go back to the first page of this thread and read the whole thing. I just did.

A WHOLE lot of speculation and pondering people and events you cannot change (her)

Very LITTLE information about you. What are your hobbies? Do you like sports? What job do you do? What do you like about your job? What do your co-workers rely on you to do?

How about your childhood? What was your mom like? Your father? What was a typical night like after Tomas came home from school?

Let me put this to you straight.

You've given us all sorts of information about someone we care nothing about - HER

You've given us almost zero information about someone we care very much about - YOU.

I'd recommend changing that... ASAP
I see your point..
My go to hobbies are hiking,enjoying nature, working on cars as I'm very mechanically inclined , there just something about fixing things that calms me down, I stoped doing it because my stbxw never saw any value in all things I knew how to do or enjoy, I love growing my own vegetables and feeding my girls as much organic foods as I can. I work in the construction field I can build block walls,pretty much anything with block, brick, I can make custom made BBQ island, fire pits, I specialize in custom stamped concrete, I love my type of work I can pretty much build my own house minus some work like plumbing and electrical, which now I'm thinking of going to school for, to further expand my knowledge. But above all I just love spending time and going places with my girls and family. Its just sad now that I think of things that she saw no value in... Now that I think of it I remember working outside in over100 weather and she never once brought me a glass of lemonade. Kind of sad....would of been nice. I guess when your in love with a person it makes you blind....
As for my dad I have a really good relationship with him, as for my mother I list her to cancer at age 12 my dad never remarried after that.

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post #92 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Tomas View Post
Yes ,we are. we were married 10yrs
I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I completely understand, but you need to shake this need to know her every move. It will drive you bonkers and to no avail. Your girls need you. Focus on them and that will distract you from your pain for maybe a couple of seconds. Fight the urge to know what she is up to.

You must learn to live without her. You cannot afford to lose your girls to her and her new soulmate...(gag me).

That will be a whole lot worse!
Yes , I have cut all connections with her the last one I had was through Pinterest which I had forgotten to delete her from , but I just did it. Im also going to block her sister from my account I just don't want to see anything that could be related to her.
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post #93 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 10:54 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

Now you are starting to lose the wife goggles.

Keep following this line of thought; it is the very beginning of your healing.

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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #94 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 10:56 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

I also remember working outside in 90% humidity and +100 degrees. My ex wife never brought me anything to drink, either.

You need to remember that some people are just untrustworthy, selfish people.
I personally think that LOTS of women want a storybook wedding where they're the center of attention, a husband and kids, a nice home, and lots of exciting vacations. When they get all or most of these things in their thirties, they get bored, start wondering what else is out there; and start a process mentally where they're constantly analyzing how bad their life and their husband is, and at the same time start needing attention from other men because they're worried about getting old and losing their beauty.

Your wife sounds selfish and lacking in any character at all. She even leaves her kids.

You should have zero regrets about divorcing her. Tomorrow.

But try not to spend much time feeling sorry for yourself like I did. Get back out there and enjoy life.

It may seem like the end of the world, but it's not. You can rise above all this.
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post #95 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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So I was up until 3:00am guys thinking like I have for the past 3 months, thinking off all the stuff she blamed me for all the things she told me i didn't do, and I do have to admit some of them I could of improved in, maybe I did show my girls more attention than her. However I realize that is not a reason to cheat but an excuse to do so. I recalled her telling me before she left I know what I want and what I deserve and you can't give me it... And I will get it. Turns out her AP is a loser and really is not the guy she made him to be, he's not buying her a house anytime soon, or giving her all the luxuries she wanted, all he's doing is making her feel good and telling her what she wants to hear. I mean my stbxw is attractive. Back to my original point ,as I was thinking last night I recalled something that I had tried to forget in the beginning of our relationship and succeeded until last night. I have been blindly in love with this woman, as I believe in god and was so happy to find out she was pregnant and made a promise to god to never leave her and love her. Well what I recalled that her first job she had which was a about 1.5 yr into our relationship she cheated on me and confessed herself she had kissed a co worker about a month when she started working, she quit that job. I forgave her. About 2 yes later new job had a physical affair with co worker I caught her through text messages telling him I love you,she confessed and with. Fast forward a couple years caught her in a emotional affair with some guy from Facebook that lived somewhere in Dubai. This happened a year ago I forgave we decided to work it out, she started working in retail store a couple weeks later and now were hear again same problem a coworker physical affair. Now I think man I really love this woman or is it the love I have for my girls and my illusion of always trying to keep my family together. Wtf is wrong with me why did I deal with this crap for so long?
I might sound like I am missing the point. The truth is I cannot offer advice for most of your post, it is going to hurt horribly and you are going through an emotional ringer.

That emotional ringer will be worse if you are not sleeping properly.

Start some hard manly exercise - personal trainer if you can afford it, boxing, weights, MMA, the less you see it as you the better. You will learn how to reinvent yourself. You need to feel physically alive and wear yourself out.

Also, yoga. You need to relax, your tension will be unbearable.

Finally, try a meditation class. Ideally, keep looking until you find one that works for you.

This is a tough time and you have to make sure you are able to cope with it as best you can.

Sleep well, you have to be in top condition for your kids and yourself.
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post #96 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 11:47 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks

Last edited by Tomas; 06-05-2016 at 06:49 PM. Reason: .
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post #97 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 12:31 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

She is following the cheater script. It's all your fault. Man you are young and can build your next life what you want it to be. You're correct. You need to purge everything about her from your life.

Love is blind. You never saw or perhaps never wanted to see her for what she is. You should be able with a good attorney get primary custody of your kids.

Move on fast and get out of this. There are many good women out there that are way better than what she is.

Go, go, go!!!!!!!!
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post #98 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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She is following the cheater script. It's all your fault. Man you are young and can build your next life what you want it to be. You're correct. You need to purge everything about her from your life.

Love is blind. You never saw or perhaps never wanted to see her for what she is. You should be able with a good attorney get primary custody of your kids.

Move on fast and get out of this. There are many good women out there that are way better than what she is.

Go, go, go!!!!!!!!
Thanks brother I have an appointment with lawyer on Tuesday. Time to get this ball rolling
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post #99 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 01:08 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

There are millions of women out there that would love a thirty-one year old single father.

You will get through this. Your wife has cheated multiple times. You are going to have so much better of a life without her. You could use a physical person to talk to. I suggest a therapist that specializes in infidelity.
I think if you have truly accepted this for what it is and really are going to divorce her, then you're already doing well.
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post #100 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 01:10 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Originally Posted by Tomas View Post
I see your point..
My go to hobbies are hiking,enjoying nature, working on cars as I'm very mechanically inclined , there just something about fixing things that calms me down, I stoped doing it because my stbxw never saw any value in all things I knew how to do or enjoy, I love growing my own vegetables and feeding my girls as much organic foods as I can. I work in the construction field I can build block walls,pretty much anything with block, brick, I can make custom made BBQ island, fire pits, I specialize in custom stamped concrete, I love my type of work I can pretty much build my own house minus some work like plumbing and electrical, which now I'm thinking of going to school for, to further expand my knowledge. But above all I just love spending time and going places with my girls and family. Its just sad now that I think of things that she saw no value in... Now that I think of it I remember working outside in over100 weather and she never once brought me a glass of lemonade. Kind of sad....would of been nice. I guess when your in love with a person it makes you blind....
As for my dad I have a really good relationship with him, as for my mother I list her to cancer at age 12 my dad never remarried after that.
Your skills and knowledge are Golden! A DIY concrete man!

Take a look at the DIY people. Lots of great ideas with plans and step by step instructions to build wonderful things for your beautiful babies at a fraction of the price!

I'm so sorry about your mom. I just lost mine 2 months ago. She was 84. I was very blessed with having her this long. I miss her terribly though. I wish she didn't have to leave, but she was very ill the 3 months prior to her departure.

She is in a better place for sure! It's just the fact that I can't see her here anymore that hurts so much and makes it hard to accept that she is gone.

Anyhoo, keep telling us about you. Your love for your girls makes me smile!


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #101 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 02:12 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

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Thanks brother I have an appointment with lawyer on Tuesday. Time to get this ball rolling
Tomas,

Let me bore a bit deeper into this.

In your own words.... there are things you love to do and are passionate about that you stopped doing because SHE saw no value in it.

Do you see the point about placing low value on yourself? Realize now, you are FREE to pursue what you like and to set your own schedule. Show your girls the side of you they would have missed (their entire lives) if you still had this albatross of a wife around your neck.
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post #102 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 03:36 PM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

Delete your last post immediately. Do not discuss with anyone, I mean anyone again.

As to WW and OM, now is the time to go for full custody. He will not want your kids around, use this to your advantage. If you can financially offer to forego child support as an encouragement.
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post #103 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 05:45 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

I know it hurts. I left a serial cheater, too. It took me far to long to admit what was going on, and yes, he maintained- once confronted-that I was the cause. Rubbish. Not being a perfect spouse means that you are a human being, but never does it justify cheating.
Good luck with the attorney tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #104 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 06:15 AM
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Re: Wife left my girls and me for a coworker

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomas View Post
As for my dad I have a really good relationship with him, as for my mother I list her to cancer at age 12 my dad never remarried after that.
I think it is nice he never remarried. It shows his commitment to his children. I am sure his devotion made you feel valued and helped with remaining grounded after the unfortunate loss of your mother.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #105 of 379 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 09:15 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
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Originally Posted by Tomas View Post
I see your point..
My go to hobbies are hiking,enjoying nature, working on cars as I'm very mechanically inclined , there just something about fixing things that calms me down, I stoped doing it because my stbxw never saw any value in all things I knew how to do or enjoy, I love growing my own vegetables and feeding my girls as much organic foods as I can. I work in the construction field I can build block walls,pretty much anything with block, brick, I can make custom made BBQ island, fire pits, I specialize in custom stamped concrete, I love my type of work I can pretty much build my own house minus some work like plumbing and electrical, which now I'm thinking of going to school for, to further expand my knowledge. But above all I just love spending time and going places with my girls and family. Its just sad now that I think of things that she saw no value in... Now that I think of it I remember working outside in over100 weather and she never once brought me a glass of lemonade. Kind of sad....would of been nice. I guess when your in love with a person it makes you blind....
As for my dad I have a really good relationship with him, as for my mother I list her to cancer at age 12 my dad never remarried after that.
Your skills and knowledge are Golden! A DIY concrete man!

Take a look at the DIY people. Lots of great ideas with plans and step by step instructions to build wonderful things for your beautiful babies at a fraction of the price!

I'm so sorry about your mom. I just lost mine 2 months ago. She was 84. I was very blessed with having her this long. I miss her terribly though. I wish she didn't have to leave, but she was very ill the 3 months prior to her departure.

She is in a better place for sure! It's just the fact that I can't see her here anymore that hurts so much and makes it hard to accept that she is gone.

Anyhoo, keep telling us about you. Your love for your girls makes me smile!
I'm really sorry to hear about your mother I know how hard it must be to not be able to see her and talk to her Im sure you miss her terribly. She is definitely in a better place ,just take comfort in knowing that you guys will be united again one day. I still hurts not having my mother ,I remember growing up in school was hard for me specially on mothers day when everyone was celebrating and I had no one.coming home from school was also pretty sad as I had no one to talk to or share stories about how my day went. My father was working and would be home late, he did he's best providing for me.
So a little bit more about myself I'm a kid at heart there's nothing that I enjoy more than just getting lost in the moment with my girls whether its watching cartoons with them( which I love to do) or just going out in the backyard and playing, showing them to just let there imagination run wild. I myself get lost in those moments. My daughter sometimes ask me and it makes me smile " daddy how do you have such a big imagination and are so fun". One thing that I look forward to is school field trips my daughter says everytime there's a trip and ask for volunteers her friends always say pick her dad her dad is fun! I received the best volunteer award by the principal this year!
Needless to say that you know who killed it for me by saying all those times I went I never got anything and all you care about is you girls and not me.I don't even find what you do is funny, huh I guess i t got to a point that I learned to block her comments out or just got use to the pain. I just love kids, I find it that there truthful and easy to get along with. I just always dreamed about having a big family, always wanted 4/5 kids and just always looked forward to those Christmas holidays with the family together..
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